You can do this.
You've been here before, you've gotten through this before.
You can do this.
This is me motivating myself.
First, let me apologize if this is the first you are learning of what I'm about to write. Generally when things like this come up I run to many, many people for comfort, advice, encouragement, just an open ear etc. I probably go to each person for a specific need as I believe God plants people in our lives to fill different needs we may have. But this time I found myself holding it in. Processing it alone. And with a shocking level of peace. I do apologize though if you are someone I generally run to and now you feel as though I didn't utilize the gift of our friendship. It isn't for lack of needing you, I promise. I think I needed to do this one alone, and honestly - it happened at light speed.
This past week Austin let me know that we had to have a "serious discussion". He told me this in a text message and to any text-lovers reading this: do not send that message in a text message. Ever. Sometimes, when possible, face to face is the only option. He could have left his message at that and I would have known exactly what it was about, but he didn't. His text read:
We need to have a serious discussion tonight. About a deployment. CSM and 1SG asked me today if I can go on a JACKL deployment.
You don't need to know what all the acronyms mean; they're not important. There is only one word in the entire text that is important, and it is the word that I predicted after I saw "serious discussion".
Deployment.
I am an Army wife. I would seriously never have dreamed I'd be an Army wife, but maybe I should have seen the writing on the walls years ago. When GI Joe came out with the larger GI Joe dolls I used to steal my brother's so Barbie could marry GI Joe instead of that pansy boy Ken. I wasn't a fan of Ken. Call me crazy, but I have trouble trusting men who have better hair, better teeth, and take longer to primp themselves than I do. Those men are great for the girls who have better hair, better teeth, and take longer primping than they do, but I'm pretty low key as far as physical maintenance. My first serious boyfriend is now in the Air Force. Lots of guys that I dated or had crushes on are either now in the military or have served already. So why I "never would have dreamed” I'd be a military wife, I'm not really sure. I even told my ex-boyfriend that I couldn't imagine marrying him if he ended up joining the air force because what if our country went to war?
How naive I was.
I never would have thought to myself, "I think I want to be an army wife". I never even thought I was built for that. I don't know what I thought it took to be the wife of a service member, but I was pretty certain I didn't have it. Hell, sometimes I'm still pretty certain. So when Austin's 1SG told me a few weeks ago that I'm the perfect mold for an army wife, I was a bit taken back. Me? First of all, do you even know me? I mean sure we see each other every now and then, and when Austin is working late sometimes I call the office and you answer. Yeah you hear Austin talk about how magnificent I am (cause what else would he have to say?), but do you even know me? How on earth can you presume to know that I was made for this? And please, enlighten me as to why. In any case, I took it as a compliment at the time. I held my head a little higher and walked a little prouder because, as inconsequential as it was, 1SG Keir thought I was a good army wife. ME! Let's relish in the moment.
Well, the relishing is over now. It ended quickly this week when the real test of an army wife slapped me in the face. My husband is asking my permission to agree to a voluntary deployment. Voluntary meaning he can say no. Voluntary meaning he chooses to go over stay with me. Voluntary meaning he has the option to make me a single parent for 9 months or not, and he's choosing the first. What do I do? What do I say? It's very different to hear "Company Commander TOLD me I'm going on a deployment" like he told me 3 years ago. But they asked him? And now he's asking me.
What answer do I have?
I can think of a million reasons why his answer should be no. I can think of one reason why it should be yes. He can think of a million reasons why his answer should be yes, and 2 why it should be no. So its hard to find common ground here. We talked until 2 in the morning and I'm not sure either one of us understood the other side any more than we did going into it. Its important to note that when we have these discussions, I pride our marriage in that we are very productive. We don't resort to name calling, yelling, silent treatments, or other common arguing tactics. I am especially proud to note this because I have never been able to say that before. I was the queen of snide remarks that hit below the belt. I was the queen of bringing up past remarks that contradict current remarks. I was the queen of forcing the other party to cave out of sheer ability to argue regardless of which side may have truly been right. With Austin though, I generally do not employ these tactics. So when I say we were talking until 2 in the morning, I mean we were having as constructive of a conversation as you possibly could have in that situation.
The barrier here is perspective. Then again, isn't it always? If you've seen the movie Dear John you may remember the scene in which John tells Savannah that he is reenlisting and she doesn't have much say in it. She is clearly mad and hurt and frustrated and lost and so many, many other things that I feel but can't describe. He doesn't understand, and in his attempt to calm her he says maybe the worst thing he could say: Savannah, you don't understand. Offensive as it may be, it is true.
It is impossible for someone who is not in the military to truly understand their inner calling. It's impossible to understand their sense of responsibility, loyalty, honor, bravery, and all of the other big strong words that I see posted all over army posts. I can't pretend to know what goes through Austin's head. While I am filled with an overwhelming amount of pride for Austin, Brian, and Jesse's call to service, I do not begin to understand it. However, it is also very true that it is impossible for the soldier to understand the burden left on the spouse. Austin has no idea what all I took care of while he was deployed last time, and he didn't need to know. He has no idea how many times people rushed over to see how he was doing, forgetting that I, too, was going through hell. He has no idea the responsibility of maintaining the house, the bills, the pets, family relations, and countless other things on top of trying to keep a strong front so that he doesn't have to spend extra energy worrying about me. There is a horrible, horrible saying that goes "A distracted soldier is a dead soldier" implying that wives should silently carry that burden. And so I did. I know that not everyone was pleased with how I chose to manage my stress and emotions during his last deployment, but all I can say to that is that I managed it in the best way I knew possible. You show me a way that would be better, and maybe I'll give it a try. Maybe. But this time is oh-so-very-different. This time we have a child. And while I know it tears Austin apart to imagine the things he'll miss, it's no easier for me to imagine raising him alone. No, I won't be alone. I have family, I have friends, and no matter how far away I know I have Austin. But physically speaking - alone.
Two years ago if I needed to curl up in a ball in bed for an entire day I could. If I needed to take 3 bubble baths in a row, changing the water out only as it got too cold, and drink a bottle of wine while staring blankly at the ceiling I could. If I needed to run around town all day, squeezing as many stops in as I possibly could, that was ok too. But its not about me anymore. Its about William. He needs someone stronger than that. Someone who can look at him every day, show him pictures of daddy and say "see your daddy? he misses you and loves you SO much!" with a big grin on my face. He needs someone to wake up with him every day, play with him, feed him, love on him, and help him with all of his development. He doesn't need a wine-o in the bathtub. He makes it SO easy for me to make my life about him because he's so marvelous, but sometimes I hardly know how I made it through the last deployment when my biggest concern was Reagan's bleeding tail. If I barely made it that time, how will I possibly do it this time? And for 3 months longer?
The bottom line here is that though I have no answer I want to give Austin, I do know the answer. And the answer is that he should go. I hate it. It gives me pits in my stomach, wells tears in my eyes and makes my throat ache with a lump the size of a golf ball. I hate that the answer is that he should go, but I honestly never really wondered. I knew the answer before he asked. That is where the shocking peace comes in. I don't want him to go. I want to push him down the stairs so he breaks his leg and can't go. I want this all to be over. Yet, through it all I've known since I got that text message that this is where God has been leading me. He's been working in me for awhile now, and I knew we were headed somewhere. When I got Austin's text, it all became clear. I can't explain it, I just know it was a God thing. And you can't fight a God thing.
Oh, but God help me if Reagan has a bleeding tail.
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