Sometimes I Have Thoughts

I just want everyone to know that I am phenomenally better at this army-life thing than I was at this time 2 years ago.

2 years ago this week I dropped Austin off at the airport for his 6 weeks of training, which was then followed by 8 months in Iraq. I was a disaster. To give an example, my brother's birthday is January 23 and I didn't even call to wish him a happy birthday until after our other brother's birthday which is February 1. I don't ever forget to call my family on their birthdays, and it wasn't even because I forgot it was his birthday. I remembered. All day I thought about how it was his birthday and I should call. Same thoughts the day after and for the next 2 weeks. I just never called. Why? I didn't have the energy to talk to anyone. Bottom line: I did not do well.

I decided very early in that deployment that I was going to keep a journal. I bought a cute spiral bound journal with a pink plastic cover that had felt flowers on it. I also had a special purple pen that was designated as my journal-pen and was only used for writing. I was so full of ambitious thoughts that someday this journal would be inspiring to someone going through a deployment that I even titled the thing. The front page had a nice, pretty title with the dates of the deployment written on it. Little did I know that 3 months into it I'd quit writing because my thoughts were just too dull and depressing.

I wrote every night for the first 3 months. Every night. And every night I tried to be positive and optimistic, with this outlook like "today was gloomy but tomorrow...tomorrow is going to be better". That sort of optimism only works for so long because how encouraging is it to read every day that the day sucked? Doesn't help. And didn't help to write it, either. So, I quit. I found that journal about 6 months ago and laughed at the thought that I'd ever let anyone read it. I had thought that maybe one day I'd have a friend with a deploying husband or maybe I'd have a daughter who would marry a soldier and need encouragement during separations. (I am VERY hopeful that when my daughter that I don't have is married to a man who is probably also unborn, we are not in a time of war and that therefore their only separations will be for trainings. or maybe I'm just hopeful she doesn't marry a soldier. my hopes for my unborn daughter are a little blurry, sorry) In any case, as I read through my journal I realized that if a friend or daughter or someone married to a soldier was in need of encouragement, my journal would serve the opposite purpose. So, I trashed it.

I no longer have a journal at home because I think it'd take a lot of energy to have a home journal and an online blog. I only have so much energy and I choose to channel it to you, my readers. Be thankful. Also be thankful that I wasn't so generous with my thoughts 2 years ago :) The point of all of this being that because my thoughts are written for your morning enjoyment, and because I do not have a personal depressing bright pink journal on my nightstand(seriously how does someone turn a bright pink journal into depressing???), I feel that I need to warn you that sometimes I may have thoughts. I may have sad or depressing or gloomy thoughts. I don't right now, which circles back to my statement that I'm much better at this army thing now than 2 years ago. Or maybe I just don't have any time for gloom in my busy world, I don't know what the culprit is. All I know is 2 years ago my daily journal was nearing scary and now it is still light hearted and has attempts at humor. Gold star for me.

But, in the event that those sad thoughts do surface and do need to be released, please take them for the moment they were written and know that moments pass. Don't be sad or scared or worried or call up the troops to check on me. Moments come and go, but all in all I am much more stable than I was 2 years ago. I'm stronger, I'm braver, I'm happier, and I'm more confident. All of that plays into why I'm better at this life than I was last time. So...if, most likely when, I do have to use this blog for that purpose...please excuse the mess. I'll be sure to make up for it soon after, I promise.

Until then...happy monday! Oh, and I found $50 this morning when I switched purses. It's a good day :)