2 months

In the past week I have had 8 people ask me how much longer we have until Austin gets home, and they have all responded in the same way. When I tell them it will be sometime around Christmas they all say, “oh wow only 2 months? Almost here!”

All I can do is laugh, because I don’t know how to express that 2 months is much longer than you may think. When you’ve already been waiting for 8 months, 2 months doesn’t seem short. When you THOUGHT you would only have about 35 more days, 60 sounds treacherous. Especially when 35 sounds pretty dang bad too!

People ask if I’m getting excited and I don’t know how to respond. I don’t want to mislead anyone – of course I will be excited beyond belief to see Austin at the airport – but no, I’m not getting excited yet. Because every time I think about it, I realize how far away it is. It doesn’t matter how many times I search online for the perfect welcome home outfit. It doesn’t matter how much I plan his welcome home surprises or how early I buy William’s airport t-shirt. It doesn’t matter how many Christmas presents I buy for our family (trying to CONVINCE the world that it is December…). It’s still October. We still have so much longer to go.

I usually try to maintain a positive spin on things and keep my spirits up. I try to be joyful and live by mantras such as “let people leave you happier than when they came” and “be joyful in all things” and other upbeat attitudes – I try. But the past few weeks have literally felt like time has been going backwards. I look at the calendar fully expecting our countdown to be nearing 30, yet every time I look it is higher than I remember it being the day before. How can we possibly be near 70 days when I SWEAR yesterday it was 50?

Back in June I was contacted by a fellow army wife who writes a military blog (SUCH a good writer and I don’t know how she comes up with all her topics) and she asked if I would be able to write a guest post. She was in the middle of moving and wasn’t going to have time to write much, but wanted to keep things up on her blog for her readers. (imagine – a blog with readers other than family/close friends…what a thought) At the time I was struggling with the mid-deployment blues so I used that as my muse for her guest post. This is what I wrote:

I knew this time was coming, I just didn’t know it would be so soon.

It’s the middle-of-deployment slump. I’ve been here before; it happens every time. It’s just more encouraging when it comes later on. It’s when you realize how long it’s been since you’ve seen your spouse, but you realize how long it is until you’ll see them again. It’s when you realize you are used to an empty bed, and you instantly hate that you’re used to it. It’s when you realize you have completely established your own routine, without a partner, and you know how much longer that routine has to last.

It’s when you ask yourself why you’re doing it at all.

Deployments are a lot like races: The beginning is when you are motivated, you are positive, and you are just ready to get going and kick this deployment in the butt. The end is when you are excited, rejuvenated, and you are determined to “finish strong”. But in the middle it just all wears on you. The burden seems so heavy. The end is nowhere in sight. The initial push of support has started to wear off, though you know if you just had the courage to reach out for help someone would be there in an instant. But wasn’t it easier when they were always there – without asking, without being told, and maybe without you wanting them anyway?

“stay busy”
“be positive”
“countdown”
“exercise”

I know all the “tips and tricks”. And they do help, they really do. But the middle needs something more. The middle needs a renewed sense of value for the purpose. I am doing this because my marriage is worth it. I am doing this because the man I’m waiting for is more incredible than any other man I could have, even if I’d have the other man all the time. I’m doing this because it’s so small in comparison to what he is sacrificing. I’m doing this because we are in it together – for better or for worse. And I wouldn’t know how great “better” is if I didn’t have a small taste of “worse” to compare it to.

So here’s to the middle. The nitty gritty. The part of the race when we find out who is in it to win it and who doesn’t have what it takes. I know I do, I just have to bite through the pain and do it.



I just wish that at the time, I knew the REAL trenches would come later. I just wish I knew that I really had no idea yet. Isn’t that how things go? You don’t ever know it can get worse or harder or more strenuous until all of a sudden you realize it has. And then, what can you do but hope that it turns around soon?

So – here’s to the “past the middle but not near enough to the end”. The “nittier and grittier”. The part of the race where no one looks like they have what it takes anymore, but dammit someone will make it to the finish line. Here’s to October…and November…and here’s to kissing them goodbye. December will be here; before I know it but not a minute too soon. It comes every year, and I’ll be waiting with open arms.


- manda