I have a sneaking suspicion that I won't be blogging tomorrow. I don't know when Austin will get in, but I have a feeling I will be juggling my heavy workload and my inability to focus, so I thought I should go ahead and get William Wednesday checked off my list. In case that's all I accomplish :)
I'd love to write about all of the amazing things that have happened with William over the last week or two, but his alphabet and counting and memory will just have to wait. I am feeling a bit nostalgic , being the end of a chapter for us, and have decided that instead I'll write about how much William has blessed me over the last 10-13 months.
The day we brought William home from the hospital I wanted to sing to him while I rocked him, but I had trouble thinking of songs that I knew in full. Of course I sang twinkle twinkle, Jesus loves me, and the spirit of aggieland...but I wanted to sing for hours and the next song that popped out of my mouth was the smile song. I'm sure it has a title and I'm sure I could go look it up, but if you're that curious you and google can have a chat. I just call it the smile song.
Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking...
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by
If you smile through your fears and sorrows, smile there may be tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through if you
Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying, smile, what's the use in crying
You'll see that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
My mom once said it was a sad song, and maybe you can look at it that way, but I think it's a happy song. It's a song about how things can be tough, but you can grin and bear it and that it will get better. And it was a bit of foreshadowing that it became my daily song to William as he later became that 'smile through fears and sorrows' for me.
There were days when I wasn't sure I'd make it out of the office without falling on the floor in tears. There were days when I didn't think I'd ever get out of bed. There were days when the pain and worry and frustration and loneliness and exhaustion were swarming and I felt like I was drowning. And the one consistent thing that happened on each of those days is that William was extra-William. Extra loving. Extra charming. Extra funny. Extra intelligent. Extra cuddly. Extra William.
Ive learned a lot through him. I didn't know I had as much patience as I've had as his mom. I didn't know I could make car noises. I didn't know I could give in on senseless arguments. I didn't know I could go hours without verbal communication and yet have the best time.
I was given the biggest blessing through one of my life's greatest challenges. I thought to myself a few nights ago, 'I never would have dreamed up a life in which I became a single parent without really being a single parent for an entire year'. I thought this after William fought with me about his dinner, jumped in the bath in his clothes, and threw the diaper and pj's across the room as he revolted against bedtime. But then, a few short minutes later, he asked me to read his moose book, zoo book, mismas light book, egg book(a classic in our house), and then after the lights were out he sweetly asked 'rock chair. Mommy songs'. At 16 months he no longer wanted his bedtime rocking, and I certainly was given no time to sing, but here was my almost 2 year old asking me to take him back to his infancy a bit and rock him as I sang.
Gladly.
Had Austin not been deployed, William and I would not have had the time to bond as much as we have. I'm not saying we wouldn't have had a fabulous year WITH austin, but the time together - alone - has been a special treat for our relationship. I got all the hugs, all the kisses, all the looks for approval...I got it all, and I cherished it all.
I am sure that this transition will be somewhat bumpy. I'm sure that if William likes how dada does something better than mommy, I'll be a little hurt. I'm sure if William favors mommy all the time, dada will have hurt feelings a little bit too. But, I'm sure William will absolutely enjoy as mommy and dada learn to do things in new ways together. New bed time, new breakfasts on the weekends, new train play, new cars watching...we will relearn and recreate our routine and patterns and rituals...and I can't wait.
But in my last night as a single parent, I didn't refuse William's first, second, OR third request to 'rock chair'. I read all the books he wanted to hear. I sang songs when he asked, stopped when he asked, and started again when he was tired of the silence. Our usual 20 minute bedtime routine became an hour and 20 minutes, and I soaked in every minute. I thanked God for the opportunity to be William's mommy. I told William repeatedly that he will never know how much he blessed what easily could have been the worst year of my life. He will never know the joy and the blessings he has given me. I promised him I'll tell him. I'll write it, read it, and tell it over and over...but he will never know.
Because of him I was able to light up my face with gladness, I did a fairly good job of hiding traces of sadness, and surely I now see the sun shining through.
Thank you William, and thank you God for your wonderful plan.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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