What a Parent Wants

Tuesday morning when I was just about ready to go wake William up I heard him crying.  I opened his door to hear, “mommy, mommy” amidst his tears.  I went to his bed and said “What is it little bear?”  He replied without hesitation, “mommy I just want oh gosh”.

I crumbled.  I crumbled not because it wasn’t me who he wanted, but because I couldn’t give him what his hurting heart wanted.

I had another moment of crumbling during the day.  I have always told myself I would never “publicly” announce this, but Austin and I have been hoping to get pregnant for a little while now.  Define “a little while” as “long enough to be impatient, not long enough to schedule a doctor appointment”.  I keep it somewhat private and under the table for two reasons.  First, I’m just kind of a private person.  Hard to tell via my life-exposing blog, but I don’t openly discuss personal topics to just anyone.  After the fact, it’s free game – but when I’m walking through the trenches I generally keep it private.  Second, once you have told someone you are trying to get pregnant it’s a matter of roughly 30 days before the first question ensues.  Questions like…

Are you pregnant?

Are you still trying to get pregnant?

When do you think you’ll get pregnant?

Should we buy baby clothes soon?

Why aren’t you pregnant yet?  (this one is my favorite)

Questions like this are harmless in the eyes of the person asking.  If anything they prove their vested interest and excitement.  Rarely do these questions come from people other than those who would be the most excited alongside you.  I know this.  But not only can they be received as, “what’s wrong with you?” or “what’s taking so long?” – both thoughts that a hopeful parent probably battles – there are really only two answers to those questions.

Yes, I am pregnant but was not ready to tell you yet.  Now I awkwardly either lie, or I tell you reluctantly.

No, I’m not pregnant and I’m disappointed as I have already expressed my desire to be, and I’d rather not talk about it.

So while I understand the intent behind the Spanish Inquisition, and while I have been guilty of this as well, I think it’s also important to look at things from the other side. In regards to someone very close to you who is trying to conceive, If they are pregnant, it’s likely that you’re no more than a month away from knowing.  And, if they’re not, it’s probably not their favorite topic of conversation.  It’s a hard middle ground to find between excitement and anticipation and offering space out of respect.  It’s hard for both sides.

That said, I was having a moment on Tuesday of sheer disappointment.  I was explaining to Casey that William is already one year older than I wanted him to be when his sibling would be born, so every day that passes is like a very loud tick of a timer.  I told her that I know I need to let go of the fact that I wanted them to be two years apart because obviously that’s out of the realm of possibility, but I just don’t understand why God can’t just end the frustration and let it happen.  Her response was simple but upon further reflection, absolutely perfect.

In response to my heart in a million pieces because of both William’s request for Oh Gosh and his lack of a sibling she said,

I think it hurts God’s heart too right now that you don’t have what you want.  He knows you want to expand your family and it’s hurting you, which hurts Him (especially because that isn’t a selfish desire but a God-given desire).  But you know William will see Oh-Gosh again, and I have full faith that you will be the mother to multiple children.  So you both will get what you want again!

At first glance the response was pretty simple – trust in God, He has a plan.  But then on my drive to pick William up I reflected on it more.

When William cried to me, “mommy I just want oh gosh” it broke my heart because there’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t give to grant his wish.  But how can I possibly explain to a three year old that his daddy’s job and Oh Gosh’s job put them in certain places at certain times and there is a need for Oh Gosh somewhere else right now too?  A need that unfortunately trumps his.  How can I explain to him that I promise he will see Oh Gosh again, but I can’t promise when and I can’t make it now?  The picture I see is much larger and much more detailed than the picture he sees, I just can’t impress that upon him yet. One day, but not now.

And it clicked.  Not for the first time in the journey of my faith, and I’m sure not for the last.

God sees a much bigger picture, one that he can’t possibly impress upon me.  He can’t make me understand the details he is orchestrating and the plans he has to line up.  He has a sibling for William created in His image whose life he has planned beautifully - from the doctor who will deliver him/her, to the nurses there to help; from the car he will safely ride home in to the place he will take his first steps.  He has that life planned out immaculately and he needs all of those pieces to be in place at the right time. 

In my little world I see my desire for a baby and I see my lack thereof.  In William’s world he sees his desire for an Oh Gosh and his lack thereof.

One day we will both understand but until then as children we will ache for what we want, and as parents we will ache for what we can’t change.  I just have to remember God aches in this too, He just knows more than me.