William Wednesday

All day yesterday I felt like it was Thursday. The only thing that kept reminding me that it wasn't was the fact that I hadn't written about William yet. Thank God for WW right? I know you're just as pumped.

Other than the fact that I have the most wonderful baby in the whole entire world, I don't have a lot to report here. Nor a lot of time in which to report it. The past 7 days have been insanely hectic for me, and the end is still a few days away. William has been a rockstar and, although I can tell he's affected, he has been SO good with all the shuffling around.

I stomped my feet, like I promised I would, as I arranged for his care for the weekend. Friday night Paul's wonderful wife Janell (who was less than a week from delivering their second beautiful daughter - born this morning) picked him up at day care and watched him for the night. I picked him up at 9:00 and we drove down to Colorado Springs to be with daddy. you should have seen the excitement as William leaped out of his car seat into Austin's arms. He had been asleep for 2 hours and it was 10:30 pm, but he was ECSTATIC to see daddy. Saturday I dropped him off at Dusti's house and after the torture of having to walk out of the house with him screaming bloody murder, she said he was awesome. He was just sad to see me leave, but once I was gone he had a blast. When Austin picked him up Eric said, "dude you have the best baby ever". Yeah, we know.

Saturday night Austin left his truck at our house, I drove him back to Colorado Springs then Sunday morning drove back home. I was ready to scream I was so sick of driving, but little William was a trooper. Just chattered away in the backseat, shaking his head side to side, kicking the seat and laughing his precious little head off. His teacher's 16 year old daughter wanted to babysit him Sunday, so we met at our house and she stayed with him. Again, he was screaming his head off as I left. SO hard to walk away from. He was reaching both arms and a leg through the baby gate and his face was bright red like I was abandoning him forever. Broke my heart. But, again, apparently once I was out of sight he was back to playing with his bus and being happy. Sunday night Tiff came over to hang out and stayed with him when I drove to the airport to get Addie, so by Monday William was hell bent on being glued to my leg. I can't blame him, I had shuffled him from person to person and I was hardly to be seen. I felt awful, but all in all he was really good about it. And my friends were AMAZING to help. Really, amazing.

Addie and William are having fun this week and she's being great about sending me pictures every night. This morning I scrolled through my iPhone pictures of him twice...and there are nearly 200 pictures. That's how much I miss him, and how much i LOVE her sending me pictures. He got sick today at school so I had to leave for a bit to take him to the doctor and get him settled, but honestly - still the best part of my day. He just has a stomach bug and needs to lay off the sauce (formula) for a few days, other than that he's ok. Addie says he's still as playful as ever and even wore Layla out so bad that she was hiding from him! So, no little bug is gonna get my little bear down!!!

He's so incredible, if I forgot to mention that. It's funny how something that takes so much work and effort and time and energy and thought can be the only thing to keep me sane some days. But he really is! I'd wash bottles all night, every night in exchange for him and that kind of love. It's intoxicating!!!

I wish I could share more...maybe next week? here's to hoping.

Know where I don't see God?

Remember we all see him in different places, I poignantly noted a few weeks ago, and I love Colorado because among many other reasons I can see God in the mountains.

But I do not see him as I shovel my driveway for an hour, in case you were wondering. That is not one of my most pious moments, and not one of the things I love about Colorado. Add that to the "texas" column of my comparison chart: do not need to own, or even be able to identify, a snow shovel.

And remember how I don't like taking out the trash and would pay a neighborhood kid $5 to have it done for me? Had a kid come and asked me for $30 to shovel my driveway I would have considered it a steal. It is a pain - literally and metaphorically - and I just want it to magically be done for me. Is that possible? Anyone want to come do it for me? When Austin does I make him hot chocolate, so I can promise you'll get at least that much. And seeing as I'm willing to pay some neighborhood punk $30, you'll probably get more than hot chocolate. Just a thought.

Another thought - I did not receive one email with your problems. Not one. That tells me one of four things.
#1 no one reads this blog. I do not believe that to be the case as I have eyes in the back of my head now that I'm a mommy, but if it is the case then I can start writing a heck of a lot more.
#2 My readers don't have problems. I like and dislike this. I like, because it proves me right in saying I would NOT want to grab my problems back if I knew yours, and I love being proven right. I dislike because that just means I want a "freaking bone" thrown my direction even more so now that I realize I am alone in my misery
#3 You did not take me seriously in my offer to be here for you. If that's the case, I apologize. I certainly am here for you, whether selfish motives are at play or not.
#4 your problems are so large that you don't even have time to drop me an email. If THAT is the case, then I sincerely apologize for being such a baby about my problems.

In any case, I'm one day closer to the provision being final and to seeing Austin again on Friday, William was ECSTATIC when I dropped him off at Goddard this morning, and Addie allowed me to come home to a nice clean house last night prompting me to want to hire her full time. So things can't be SO bad can they? Email me and let me find out :)

Wanna trade?

I got one of those inspirational emails today. It's the one, I'm sure you've read 20 times, that lists 45 life lessons that the writer learned by age 45. You know, lessons like "your work won't care for you when you're sick. Parents and friends will. Keep in touch" and other things like that. (funny that at the present time I chose that one as my example huh?) So...life lesson #40 made me stop and think.

If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

So, while I'm wallowing in self pity here I can either say A. no, i don't want mine back I can guarantee it. or B. wow, their lives must SUCK.

So, in an effort to make myself feel better, please share your problems with me. For my sake, please. Email me all of your problems. Really! Your marital problems, problems with kids, financial problems, work problems...I wanna hear it all. I will read it all with my sincerest heart, I will reply with advice that can only be offered by a professional because if psychology 101 wasn't so dang boring I may have stuck with that and actually be a professional right now, and I will be here for you. Really, I will. Plus, along the way maybe I'll stop feeling so darn bad for myself. So I had to spend an hour shovelling my drive way, twisted my knee and strained my shoulder. So I had a sick baby. So my husband is going to war. So I'm the lowest paid person in my department yet feel like I live here. So I have no time to finish my poor baby's first birthday invitations. So my house smells like vomit mixed with dog pee mixed with cat food mixed with baby formula. Come on, you've gotta have it worse.

Let me have it. Put me in my place. Force me to scramble trying to grab my own problems back and run for dear life. I double dog dare ya. That, or I'm on my knees begging you. Whichever spurs you to write that email.

A Real Life

Reality TV can be so ridiculous, yet so awesome. It really gets to me.

American Idol makes me want to sing. So much so that if I'm in the house alone, sometimes I'll just start belting out touching, moving songs as if I'm performing. And as if I sound like Carrie Underwood.

Dancing with the Stars makes me feel like I, too, am light as a feather and could glide across my living room floor with my back arched and arms stretched wide.

Hoarders makes me want to clean. Obsessively.

The Bachelor...well, that is not reality. So it doesn't make me want to do anything but laugh.

And the Biggest Loser...that makes me want to hit the gym 10 times/day, eat nothing but fruits and veggies, and share my life story on why I was overweight with the whole world. Ok, not the last part, but the first parts for sure.

I hadn't ever seen the show before, but for some reason I decided this season I would start watching it. I'm really not sure what is enthralling about it or what makes it a good show...I mean you just watch people work out and watch their trainers yell. That's it. But its so motivating! It also makes me want to hug the trainers here at work for never yelling at me that way.

So, thank you reality TV for putting a fake spin on my real life. I am not carrie underwood. I am not Emmitt Smith. I am, thankfully, not vying for Brad Womack's heart, and I do not weight 500 pounds. But thank you for making me feel like I can be all of those things.

William Wednesday

I can't tell you the number of times I wanted to get on the computer last week and write about William. But I was having too much fun watching him and playing with him to spare the time. It was an awesome week! Go grab a cup of coffee and settle in, I've got lots to share.

I'll start with Christmas - what a blast!!! We had friends over for dinner on Christmas Eve and William behaved like a little angel. One couple had a baby that is roughly William's age and it was fun to watch them stare each other down, touch each other, and steal toys from each other. I didn't get to spend much time with them because I was in the kitchen, but William was enjoying himself right up until bedtime. Then he was a MONSTER. He did NOT want to go to sleep! We had to leave him in his room screaming as we went downstairs and tried to ignore the noise. His late night lead to him sleeping in which was just torturous for me. I wanted to see how he'd like opening presents! He finally woke up and had breakfast and we got to the present-opening around 8:30.

He wasn't interested in opening presents, but loved playing with them once they were opened. He pulled tissue out of bags and would rip the paper up once we had torn it off the boxes, but he never pulled any presents out of their packages. So, we did a lot of unwrapping :) He loved all of his toys though! Once we'd open a new one he forgot about the one in hand and moved on. He especially loved daddy's wrench set...oops! :)

Christmas was also fun because it was the beginning of 8 days of the 3 of us being together with nowhere to be and nothing to do. It was AWESOME! For Christmas Austin's unit collected donations for families with young children - I am not sure how the selected the families to donate to, I assumed it was on a need base or a nomination base ,I don't know, but somehow we were selected. I was very touched at what they gave to William. Anyway, one gift he got from them was a toy school bus that has 4 various sized balls, all in different colors. The school bus has a hole in the top that senses which ball has been dropped in it, then it will say "the red ball is in the bus" or something of that nature. For the first few days all William knew how to do was open the door and let all the balls roll out. Then Austin or I would put the balls back in the bus, one by one, before he's release them all again. He really seemed to enjoy the game, so we played it, and in a matter of 3 days he had figured out how to get the balls in on his own. I had read he was getting close to the age of "putting things together or where they belong" so I suppose he's right on track there. He also has started trying to stick his elmo bath clings onto the wall after he pulls them off. It's pretty impressive to just see him one day do something that he's never known how to do before. And equally enjoyable for me is the fact that now his toy bus can occupy him for a good 20 minutes so I can cook or eat or go to the bathroom or do something. He also has a dinosaur toy that has 3 holes for balls to be inserted into, and he's enjoying exploring that as well.

His walking is moving along and now he walks everywhere in our living room. He never crawls at all downstairs, actually. He still crawls when he's in his room, which I find interesting. I'm not sure if its because he's spent less time playing and exploring in there so he's less comfortable or what. But when we're downstairs he's a full time walker. His teachers were so impressed - he left for Christmas a crawler and came back a walkin' fool!

last Tuesday we went to Lil' Monkey Bizness with Janell and Brooklyn (Paul had other obligations), my boss Dana and her son, daughter in law, and grandson. Her grandson is right in between William and Brooklyn's ages. Lil' Monkey Bizness is similar to Gymboree or other play gyms for kids, the difference being that it is all open play. They don't have structured classes or memberships, you just pay each time you go. Tuesday nights they are open later and have cheaper admission for "family night" so it cost us $3 for 2 hours of William's entertainment. (could have been 3 hours but he was exhausted) We started out playing in the "crawlers" area but William's daddy was far too adventurous to stay there. He caught one glimpse of a large blow up slide (kind of like a moon walk) and decided William needed to go down the slide. I would NEVER have thought to take a 10 month old up there, but I'm not a dad. Janell and I laughed at how the dad's are so much more daring with the kids than we would be. She said when they had gone before Paul had been the same way with Brooklyn, but Brooklyn didn't seem interested. She just wanted to play in the little tykes play houses! William, however, loved the slide! After a few trips down the slide he started walking over to it himself and trying to climb up there. luckily he can't get up on his own or it could have been dangerous! (says the mom)

I feel like I have been secretive on the picture-sharing lately, so I'll share some from our wonderful week together. I know there are plenty of stories I'm forgetting to share...like William dumping out a bottle of jet dry, a bag of mini yukon gold potatoes, climbing onto the couch on his own, and other things...but there were just too many events to document. I really should have been blogging nightly! A day in the life of an almost-one-year-old...I could write a whole book! I had such a great time playing with him and he really seemed to enjoy our family time too. We had a wonderfully blessed holiday, and I hope you did too! And now...enjoy the pics!

looking at his daddy doll:

Playing at Monkey BiznessDumping the baby potatoes

Throw me a Freaking Bone Here

I love that phrase: throw me a freaking bone. I don't love having to use it because it means that you're stretched so thin that your once blubbery belly may tear apart. But I do love the phrase.

I think I've mentioned that I'm a planner. So in my infinite wisdom about 5 seconds after I accepted the fact that Austin was going to be deployed I begun my planning. I have a very demanding job and at key points in the year I have to work insane hours. So, how does one do that as a single parent? I was on a mission to figure it out.

I came up with a plan. I would buy plane tickets for friends/family to fly up to Denver, feed them, house them, let them sleep in and relax while I take William to daycare, then have them pick William up and do his night time routine with him. This way I'm not having miscellaneous local friends trying to juggle their own lives and William. During less busy times I will rely on those friends, but when I have to work until midnight I need someone who doesn't have other obligations. Next step: find the most demanding times, get down on my knees and beg for favors.

I do not like asking for help. It's not beneath me or anything like that, I just don't like it. Especially when it comes to William. He is MY child. Not only is he MY responsibility, but being with him is what I WANT to do. I work to provide for him; I work to save for his college, clothe his precious little heiny, etc. But I did not have him to shuffle him between various other people while I slave away at work. There has to be a balance somewhere. So, asking for people to help me take care of my child isn't my favorite thing to do. However, I did it. I let me boss know that I would have someone fly up for one week during each of our provisions, which is 4 times a year, and then if other needs arise through the year I can make more arrangements. For now, its just those 4 weeks. She wasn't overly thrilled that I wasn't offering more, still isn't as a matter of fact, but I'm not thrilled that I'm offering anything. SO - it is what it is.

For this provision, the plan was as follows: provision starts on Thursday, but I won't be working late. Friday Austin would pick William up and be home for the weekend, I'd work as late as needed through the weekend. Addie is generously giving a week of vacation time to fly up here on Sunday evening and will pick him up throughout the week so I can be at work as much as they need me. Our goal is to be done by next Friday, but if we aren't we'll work Saturday and Austin/Addie would take care of William again.

Please, please keep in mind that I hate this plan.

Now, please close your eyes with me. Picture 2 beautiful, majestic rams. See their pretty horns curled backwards. Imagine them running across a field RIGHT AT EACH OTHER. Envision them ramming their heads against each other's over and over and over and over...yep, you get it. Now imagine that both of those rams have black and yellow hats on. One with the western union logo, one with the army logo. And that, my friends, is the best picture I can paint of how I feel right now. yesterday Austin called to let me know that he can't come home this weekend. ONE weekend Austin is working through his entire training. And it happens to be the ONE weekend I have to work. Like I said, throw me a FREAKING BONE!!!! is this a competition to see which job wins? Cause last time I checked, you can't tell the army no. So the army wins. Any questions?

My wonderful, beautiful, brilliant friend Dusti is going to help out in a huge way on Saturday and I haven't worked Sunday out. I will be stomping my feet as I do because I just don't want to have to work it out at all. So, this is me whining. I think I'm done now ;)

Sometimes I Have Thoughts

I just want everyone to know that I am phenomenally better at this army-life thing than I was at this time 2 years ago.

2 years ago this week I dropped Austin off at the airport for his 6 weeks of training, which was then followed by 8 months in Iraq. I was a disaster. To give an example, my brother's birthday is January 23 and I didn't even call to wish him a happy birthday until after our other brother's birthday which is February 1. I don't ever forget to call my family on their birthdays, and it wasn't even because I forgot it was his birthday. I remembered. All day I thought about how it was his birthday and I should call. Same thoughts the day after and for the next 2 weeks. I just never called. Why? I didn't have the energy to talk to anyone. Bottom line: I did not do well.

I decided very early in that deployment that I was going to keep a journal. I bought a cute spiral bound journal with a pink plastic cover that had felt flowers on it. I also had a special purple pen that was designated as my journal-pen and was only used for writing. I was so full of ambitious thoughts that someday this journal would be inspiring to someone going through a deployment that I even titled the thing. The front page had a nice, pretty title with the dates of the deployment written on it. Little did I know that 3 months into it I'd quit writing because my thoughts were just too dull and depressing.

I wrote every night for the first 3 months. Every night. And every night I tried to be positive and optimistic, with this outlook like "today was gloomy but tomorrow...tomorrow is going to be better". That sort of optimism only works for so long because how encouraging is it to read every day that the day sucked? Doesn't help. And didn't help to write it, either. So, I quit. I found that journal about 6 months ago and laughed at the thought that I'd ever let anyone read it. I had thought that maybe one day I'd have a friend with a deploying husband or maybe I'd have a daughter who would marry a soldier and need encouragement during separations. (I am VERY hopeful that when my daughter that I don't have is married to a man who is probably also unborn, we are not in a time of war and that therefore their only separations will be for trainings. or maybe I'm just hopeful she doesn't marry a soldier. my hopes for my unborn daughter are a little blurry, sorry) In any case, as I read through my journal I realized that if a friend or daughter or someone married to a soldier was in need of encouragement, my journal would serve the opposite purpose. So, I trashed it.

I no longer have a journal at home because I think it'd take a lot of energy to have a home journal and an online blog. I only have so much energy and I choose to channel it to you, my readers. Be thankful. Also be thankful that I wasn't so generous with my thoughts 2 years ago :) The point of all of this being that because my thoughts are written for your morning enjoyment, and because I do not have a personal depressing bright pink journal on my nightstand(seriously how does someone turn a bright pink journal into depressing???), I feel that I need to warn you that sometimes I may have thoughts. I may have sad or depressing or gloomy thoughts. I don't right now, which circles back to my statement that I'm much better at this army thing now than 2 years ago. Or maybe I just don't have any time for gloom in my busy world, I don't know what the culprit is. All I know is 2 years ago my daily journal was nearing scary and now it is still light hearted and has attempts at humor. Gold star for me.

But, in the event that those sad thoughts do surface and do need to be released, please take them for the moment they were written and know that moments pass. Don't be sad or scared or worried or call up the troops to check on me. Moments come and go, but all in all I am much more stable than I was 2 years ago. I'm stronger, I'm braver, I'm happier, and I'm more confident. All of that plays into why I'm better at this life than I was last time. So...if, most likely when, I do have to use this blog for that purpose...please excuse the mess. I'll be sure to make up for it soon after, I promise.

Until then...happy monday! Oh, and I found $50 this morning when I switched purses. It's a good day :)