Perspective

I know I've talked about how our minds can play tricks on us before and how different perspectives really shape our outlooks and views. Yet it always seems to surprise me when I discover that my perspective is clouding my vision, and this time "vision" is said literally.

I have struggled with my weight since my sophomore year of college. My freshman year I surprisingly only gained 5 pounds (beat that, freshman 15!) and according to my doctor I was at a healthier weight having gained the 5 pounds anyway. Looking back at pictures from the end of high school I'm not sure how my scrawny neck held my dome up anyway! My sophomore year, however, the weight started packing on and I was helpless to stop it. Part of it I would attribute to stress - the first semester of my sophomore year was stressful in my dating relationship, extremely stressful in my living situation, and I had a pretty heavy load of classes. At the end of that first semester I decided I needed to get control of my weight and for a month I was on a strict diet (south beach) and was doing heavy cardio 4-5 times per week. Yet at the end of one month I had gained more weight! I later found out that I had hypothyroidism and my weight gain and anxiety were attributed to the out of control thyroid hormones. From that point on I spent years trying to regulate my thyroid with my doctors and I don't think it got "under control" until maybe 2008. In the meantime, however, I never did get control of my weight.

At the beginning of 2007 I decided I had to do something because it had just really gotten away from me. I'm embarrassed to admit, but not too proud to admit, that when I weighed in before my first workout in January of 2007 I weighed 197. I was wearing size 14 clothes but I probably should have been wearing size 16. By the time my wedding came around in December I weighed in at 165 and was between a size 10 and 12 depending on the brand. I intended to continue my weight loss, but the next year proved to be especially trying. I worked insane hours, ate at my desk sometimes 2 meals every day (and rarely was it healthy) and found little time to workout. Austin was deployed which added extra stress and my thyroid was again all over the map. By the time Austin got home I weighed in at 184.

In January of 2009 we committed to living a healthier lifestyle. A coworker gave me a copy of her regimented diet plan called Slim 4 Life (now renamed as slimgenics if you're looking it up online) and I committed to working out 5-6 days per week. I had learned that if I tried to do it after work I would always find excuses, especially during busy times at work, so I made a habit of going to the gym before work which worked very well. After 3 months on the diet and 2 more months off the diet I had gotten down to 164. I had to stop dieting, though, because I then found out I was pregnant.

Fast forward 9 months and I was so very fortunate to lose my "baby weight" effortlessly and in a mere 2 weeks. I was back down to 164, however I certainly didn't look the same as I did before William was born. To say I had no abdominal strength would be an understatement. I still had about 10 pounds until my initial goal of 155, and wanted to be more toned, so Austin and I again decided to go all out with our Slim 4 Life program and workout schedule. (Austin had gained a little bit of "sympathy weight" which unfortunately doesn't just fall off at the hospital during delivery) When I came back to work I weighed 160 and was very pleased with my progress. Some coworkers asked if I'd want to do a weight-loss bet to see who could lose 10 pounds the fastest, so I moved my goal from 155 to 150. I have now surpassed my initial goal of 155 and am working on the 150, yet somehow I am unable to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Don't get me wrong, I do know the weight has come off. I am wearing size 8 pants which I haven't worn since that notable sophomore year of college, and some of those are even looser than they were a few weeks ago. So in my head I do know that the difference is notable. Yet when I look in the mirror I don't see it. How can one lose essentially 40 pounds (if we're talking about January 2007 to now) and not see it?

I am in a wedding this weekend for one of my oldest and best friends, Patty, and we ordered our bridesmaid dresses when I was 6 months pregnant. A bit of wisdom for you: do not allow someone to take a measuring tape to your body when you are 6 months pregnant. The woman at the bridal store recommended, based on my measurements at the time, that I order a size 18. She convinced me that I would gain plenty more weight before William was to be born and that some women really struggle with losing the weight. I was embarrassed enough to be standing next to beautiful Patty, her gorgeous size 4 sister and her super-cute and thin soon to be sister in law, so I was going to argue. Size 18 it is!

So you'd think I would have been THRILLED to walk into the tailor this morning and pick up what was at one time my size 18 dress and see the difference. She even told me she'd taken out 7 inches! However, when I put the dress on and looked in the mirror I saw the same flaws I saw in my bridesmaids dress in February of 2007: fat bulging over the top, a stomach pooching out in the middle, and hips wider than the grand canyon. How is it that I look the same to myself in 2 dresses that are obviously very different in size? I don't know what size my current dress is, but I know I was swimming in it when it was a size 18 and I'm guessing my bridesmaids dress for Jen's wedding was near that. So how can they seem the same?

I realize that it is my mind playing tricks on me. I know that people, especially women, never see themselves the way others do and that it is a struggle to learn to be happy with the way you look. To carry confidence in your appearance I think is one of the most attractive traits, yet one of the hardest to attain. And if I can't look and be pleased with the results of 40 pounds lost, will 5 more make any difference? I see, now, why people become addicted to losing weight and how easy it could be to fall into an unhealthy weight category without intending to. I don't plan to lose more than 5-10 pounds more, but I can see how simple it would be to keep lowering that goal in hopes of finally looking in the mirror and smiling.

I don't have a happy conclusion for this blog. I don't have the answer. I know I'm proud of myself for the work I've done, whether I can see it or not. And hopefully, with time, I can retrain my brain in looking in the mirror. Until then, I'll leave this one open ended in hopes that the answer is just beyond the horizon.