Vantage Points

Two nights before Austin left we went to a pre-deployment meetings for spouses. All in all I was pretty pleased with the meeting; there were lots of people there with lots of information for spouses on how to handle things, services available, etc. There were things about the meeting that I felt could have been handled better, but seeing as during Austin's last deployment I don't think anyone even knew he HAD a wife...there's been much improvement for sure.

When I arrived at the meeting the chaplain approached me and asked how I was doing. I first met him at the marriage retreat in August, and he was just commenting on how much William has grown. We were making small talk and he said, 'Have you guys been through a deployment before?' I told him that this would be Austin's third and that during each we have been in different stages. I explained that we were dating during the first, newlyweds during the second, and now married with a baby for the third. He said he thought I had an interesting perspective having been in such different situations, and asked which I thought was the hardest. I said "I don't know, they all have their different struggles". I hadn't ever thought much about it, but he was right. Each deployment for us has been very different simply based on the life-situations we were in. I have thought more about it since then, but I'm still not sure if I know which one is the hardest. They are just different.

During the first deployment I dealt with the least amount of deployment-related stress, that's for sure. We were just dating; we both had our separate lives outside of our new relationship. I had my college home, my college friends, my college life. So although I worried for his safety and I was stressed about those aspects of the war, my life wasn't intertwined with the Army in that way yet. Should something tragic have happened to Austin in Iraq not a lot would have changed in my day to day life. I would have kept living where I lived, working where I worked, and spending time with the same people day in and day out. I would grieve a loss, but my life would remain mostly in tact.

The hardest struggle, though, was the unknown. I had no idea what to expect once he got home. Did we have a real relationship? Were we both caught in the illusion and the romance of war, soon to find that there was no bond? Did he view our relationship under a different light than I did? Was I just filling a man's need to be needed and missed back home? Would things crumble once he came home? I spent nearly that entire year devoted to checking emails, mailing cookies, chatting online at 3am...was it going to be for nothing? Maybe. I had no way to know but stick it out and hope that it wasn't all just done for the sake of supporting some lonely soldier overseas.

I know that doesn't sound like much, but it was. To be dedicated and loyal and to spend my time supporting him was a huge sacrifice for a college girl in a new relationship. And the last thing I wanted to look like was a fool. I didn't, though. He came home and our relationship flourished. I soon learned that yes, he did view it under a different light but the light was much brighter and stronger in his eyes. Which led us into deployment number two.

Austin's second deployment to Iraq was very different for both of us. Neither of us knew what to expect going into it. Sure, we'd experienced it once before but we were barely dating back then. The level of commitment and love was so shallow at that point, we had no clue what it would be like to be apart from the person that we had just vowed to spend our lives with. The concern over what our relationship would be upon his return was replaced with an overwhelming fear of losing him. How could I lose the man that I just stood in front of God and our families and pledged to love forever? I know I said "til death do us part" but how could that possibly come so soon? That would be so unfair. It'd just be wrong! How do I even begin to start a marriage and a life together when we aren't even together? The free side of dating was that I didn't have his bills or his house or his anything to take care of. I just had to live my life and hope that one day he could be a daily part of it. It was so different the second time around.

But, there was comfort in knowing that once this nightmare was over he'd be home with me. We'd reunite back in our home and we'd spend our lives together. I didn't worry that he would come home and I'd find he had other girlfriends or that he'd just needed a shoulder to lean on through cyberspace. I knew that what we had was real and special and unique, and i knew that if I could just hold on for 8 months we'd be together again. So while the deployment-related life was much deeper and more a part of who I was, I didn't have any concerns over what the nature of our relationship was. And as silly as that sounds, in the darkest and loneliest of nights that alone can be great comfort.

And now, we have just embarked upon deployment number 3. Yesterday I was telling my friend a story and started with, "we had dinner at romero's house a few weeks before they deployed...". I trailed off for a moment, realizing that in fact they had just deployed 24 short hours earlier. It had felt like a lifetime. 24 hours??? 24 hours.

Take the stresses and the pains and the worries from deployment number two and multiply them by 2 - or maybe even more. I worry for my potential loss, while I also worry for the loss my son may have to endure. These are the scary things, the ugly faces of military life that we all like to smooth over and pretend aren't there. But they are real worries. Will my son get to know his father? Will he get to be a big brother? My faith and trust in the Lord tell me yes. Yes to both. That doesn't completely erase my concern though. Add to that the stress of taking care of a house which I skated away from last time. Pets who I had help in caring for from my roommates. And the new responsibility of being a single parent. When do I get to shower if not at 5 am? When do I get to exercise if not at work? When do I get to sulk and whine and cry and be a big selfish baby about the predicament I find myself in? There's no time for that. There are diapers to be changed and dishes to be done. Meals to be made and clothes to be washed. The list never ends and the tasks compound on top of each other.

But, in light of all of that look what I have that I never had before? I have this child. I have this precious baby who runs to me and wraps his little arms around my neck. I have my little bear who loves and needs me unconditionally. Who looks up at me with such wonder and amazement and trust in his eyes. I am a mom and no matter the stresses that come with it, it is by far the greatest pleasure in my life. So when I may feel the need to cry in my pillow I can just go play with mega bloks, dump trucks and countless balls downstairs. I can watch him sleep, hold him all night, feed him, play with him, and ignore the rest of the world with my focus solely on him.

So, I really don't know which is harder. I miss Austin more now than I believe I've ever missed him before. But maybe I'd just forgotten? I don't know. He is more a part of my life today than he was yesterday or 3 years ago - so what I have laid on the line is much greater. What I stand to lose is much more, but what I've gained because of that is immeasurable. Is it harder to be away from someone that you have more with? Maybe. But is it easier knowing that we have built this life, home and family? Maybe. I don't know.

It truly doesn't matter all the much if it's harder now or was harder then. This is the life we've chosen. I've learned more about the military, about myself and about Austin since the last time I said goodbye and I think that has influenced how I will handle this separation. I do believe that in a lot of ways I will be better this time, though I know I'll make mistakes too. For now, I'll keep checking the clock to see how much time has passed and keep waiting on that phone to ring.