Don't Make Assumptions

Please excuse me while I jump on a soap box for just a minute...

Ok, I'm ready.

Last week I was talking with two of my coworkers when it came up that one of their wedding anniversaries was coming up. It was going to be her 22nd wedding anniversary. I asked if they were going to go out for dinner or anything to which she said, "No, you quit doing that stuff after you have kids. You don't know that yet but you will soon." I said, "I have a kid and so far we haven't quit doing stuff like that" and she said, "you haven't been married long enough, you just don't know. give it time" I told her I didn't believe that and she let me know that we haven't been through enough yet to know.

I started to open my mouth and say more than I needed to but I decided it would fall on deaf ears. But the fact is that it doesn't matter how long or short your marriage has been. That has nothing to do with it. I've seen marriages so full of love after 10, even 20, years, and I've seen marriages that are dead in the water after just one or two. The length doesn't dictate the passion, the two are not dependent on each other.

And don't presume to know what we have or have not been through in our marriage. It hasn't been long, and we still have a lot to learn. I know that. But we've been through plenty that could have put out the fire, so to speak. We just haven't allowed it to happen.

In what we are going through right now there is plenty of room for resentment, anger, bitterness and hate to grow. It would be very easy for me to be angry that I am having to be responsible for William by myself. It would be easy for my to blame Austin when I don't get sleep or when I have to miss work again and again or when I have to find babysitters so that I can work on weekends. It's his job to be the second parent. It's his place to help me when my plate is too full. I shouldn't be bouncing our child from person to person; he should be here. It'd be really easy to throw all of that in his face or hold it inside and let it fester. But I have to remember the reason we are doing what we are doing. I have to remind myself that there's a purpose, and that it's no easier for him than it is for me.

I'm sure it would be easy for him to allow those same feelings to grow too. I'm sure on his end I could appear to be selfish as I write all the time about how tired I am and how stressed I am, forgetting sometimes that he is more tired and more stressed. I'm sure he could fuel bitterness as well as I get to spend every minute with our son and I probably take some of it for granted.

There are lots of military marriages that never make it. 50% to be exact. Half! Most of those marriages never saw their 10th wedding anniversary, so how can someone assume that young marriages don't see turmoil and distress? It's not a matter of what we have or haven't seen. It's a matter of what we focus on.

Two months before my dad passed away my parents celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary and I will never forget the day that he brought the pictures in my room to show me. He had tears in his eyes as he held a picture of my mom and him, saying "Isn't she beautiful?!" He was just as in love with her then as he ever had been - and that was after 20 years of many ups and downs. Two of my best friends just celebrated their 12th wedding anniversary this past fall and they are just as in love as two teenage kids on their way to their high school prom. And two years ago I watched our friend Marty get teary eyed as he talked about how Jan has completed his life - and that was after 26 years!

So don't tell me that its because I'm just young and dumb and don't know any better. At some point along the way I think couples lose sight of why they ever got married to begin with, and I'm sure its easy to do. The point is to make sure you remind yourself over and over. I want to always be excited to have an evening alone with my husband. I want to get butterflies in my stomach when he brings flowers home. I want my children to say "ewww gross" as he kisses me across the dinner table. I want to remember, be it 5 or 50 years from now, all the reasons I fell in love with him to begin with. And I'm sorry for those people who lost sight of it too long ago to find it again.