I was in a conversation this weekend with someone about what it's like having Austin gone, how he's doing, what it's like for him being away from William, and other aspects of our life. I've known this person for awhile and she's such a sweet person, so I know that nothing she asked or said was meant in an ill way or meant to be offensive. She just doesn't know.
The old adage "speak not of which you do not understand" comes to mind, but then...then I think that just perpetuates the lack of awareness. If she kept silent and didn't ask her questions, she'd know no more now than before we talked and then my frustration about people's lack of knowledge would just be perpetuated. So maybe its a lose lose, or maybe its a win win...guess it depends on how you look at it.
The questions about how we're doing or what its like do not bother me in the slightest. The curiosity of things which we aren't accustomed to is normal and I am more than happy to share details of my (oh-so-thrilling) life. But it's when the questions that sound like this start coming:
So, can he just say he doesn't want to go?
When can he be done?
How much longer does he have to serve?
Isn't 3 deployments enough?
When will he be home for good?
In a cynical way I can certainly appreciate the "3 deployments" question, especially when I meet people who have never been deployed. But in all honesty, I know there isn't a mark for "enough". You go when you're told to go, you may or may not volunteer for more, and that's the life you chose. But that's the part that gets under my skin...the part where people don't understand that he chose this. As for the last question, until the war is over or he is out of the Army he is never home for good. In December he will be home for the time being, and we will celebrate and enjoy our time together. We don't know when the next time may be, so we'll just tackle that when it comes. It isn't a matter of when he CAN be done or how much longer he HAS to serve. He signed up because he wanted to serve, whatever that meant. That doesn't mean he isn't homesick or doesn't miss William - absolutely he does. But he made that choice and, seeing as he's made it a few times, it's safe to say that he doesn't do this as a have to, but a want to.
When I told Austin I was frustrated -not so much with the person but with the fact that it is just not widely understood - he just calmly told me to forgive them. It isn't anyone's fault if they are unaware, and it can be my job to help people better understand.
So - to anyone reading who didn't get it before, that's how just about any wife would answer those questions if she were being honest. Her husband chose to do it and is proud to do it, no matter the cost. They do it because they want to serve and protect, and if that means sacrifice great or small they are willing and ready. So don't feel bad for them. Don't cringe your face up and feel sorry that they miss their families; just be thankful that there are people willing to do it so that those of us who aren't willing aren't required.
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