Hard to Get Excited

I'm sitting here, alone in my room, the only noise I hear is the vibrations of my ceiling fan. This is the time with which I am "supposed" to do things for myself. Savor the nap time! I should be taking a nap or reading a book or doing some sort of craft or drinking a beer...or really, doing anything that revolves only around me. For this is the only time in the day which is not devoted to someone else.

Yet I am just sitting here.

This is the part of the deployment where things get less-fun. Were they fun before? Questionable. But more fun than they are now. I am not sad, I am not weepy, I am not lonely...Or maybe I am all of the above. I do not feel like any of those things, but I am also not the opposite. I remember this emptiness and void of emotion from the last deployment...and I distinctly remember it started in June. I guess I'm a little early this time. It is the time when I can't remember what it was like to have Austin home with me. It is the time when I don't recall what its like to have someone greet me with a hug at the end of the day. It's the time when all of those things are a distant memory, and they are too far away to get excited about again.

Void of emotion, that's the best way to put it. I am not purposely blocking out my feelings, I am not suppressing anything, I am not lying or putting on a front...I just don't feel any of it. I feel numb. And everywhere I turn, I feel like all people want to talk about is the one thing that is making me feel (or not feel) this way: deployment.

People talk about it like I'm not standing here. Have you ever done this to people? I will be a mere few feet away as people quietly talk to each other, saying, "Oh, that must be so hard" or "Now how long is her husband gone again?" or other things pertaining to the sadness they feel for me. I hesitate to call it pity, because I am trying to convince myself it is anything but that, but that's how it feels. I am right here! I can hear you! I'm listening! And yet, I sit quietly and just let them chatter. Just like I can't muster up the excitement over seeing Austin again, I can't muster up the courage to tell these people what I want them to hear.

Then I stop and think - I still have my soldier(s...all of them, praise Jesus!) I still have their lives as a part of mine. Today we remember those who gave everything, and the families who no longer have them. The families who deal with the whispering and chattering every day. The brave men and women who gave everything. My burden is short lived while their families' is forever. And it is thanks to them that I am able to write this today. It is thanks to the lives lost, and thanks to their families for supporting and sacrificing. Even though excitement may be hard to muster right now, I still have so very much to be excited about. I have four amazing family members and countless friends who have offered up their time and made the sacrifice to protect our nation - and they are just a fraction of all that I have to be thankful for. Excited or not, I am thankful.

So, now that I've already made a few greeting cards in my craft room, worked on William's scrapbook, prepared our lunches for tomorrow, and tidied up a bit I am left waiting for nap time to end. Because when little bear is awake, I am no longer void of emotion. I am filled with elation. He doesn't look at me with sadness or pity. He doesn't whisper my name to the people around him, and he doesn't worry about how I am feeling or what I am going through. He just wants to be with me. He just wants to laugh and play and love and be happy. And although it is hard for me to get excited about anything, that's all I want too. When he wakes up he will remind me of all that I have to be excited about, and he will help carry me through this slump that is the middle of deployment. So much responsibility on such tiny shoulders, and yet somehow he manages to carry the burden every day. He amazes me.