I’ve been in the business of grieving for 14 years now. I won’t even get started on how unreal it is that it’s been that long. I tend to think I know a thing or two about grief, or at least how it works with me, and rarely does it perplex me. It may sneak up on me and surprise me, but I generally understand how or why. Silly me to think I was the puppet master.
Last weekend I woke up in the middle of the night after having a bad dream about my dad. I was at William’s school dropping him off and when I walked out of the front door to go to work I saw my dad and Austin walking towards the school. I was so excited that they were there and I immediately thought of how ecstatic William would be to see them, but they were both smoking (which neither of them do/did besides an occasional cigar for Austin). I was so angry so I yelled at them and left. After leaving I told myself “how stupid of me to get mad at them for smoking…I never get to see my dad, why waste the opportunity being mad over something dumb?” But when I turned around to go back they were gone.
Just like that. He was there and moments later he was gone. I didn’t hug him, I didn’t kiss him, I didn’t even talk to him. Without thinking twice or batting an eye I drove off.
I woke up angry. I would give my left leg to hug my dad, and I had the opportunity at a virtual hug and walked away. I know that must sound odd – a virtual hug – but sometimes the happy dreams leave me feeling just a little bit closer. The opposite is unfortunately true as well. This isn’t the first time I’ve had a sad or unsettling dream about him, and usually I wake up telling myself “don’t worry, your mind is just playing tricks on you because his birthday is next week”. Or father’s day or some other significant day. Reminding myself of that doesn’t make the dream any easier to swallow, but it makes logical sense and I’m able to let it go. But this time I just woke up angry. I was angry at myself all day! How could I do that? How stupid and stubborn to just walk away…and I’ll never get it back.
I was angry at myself the next day too. Being left with “if only’s” and “I should have’s” is the worst. (ask Jacoby Jones and the Houston Texans). But never once did it occur to me that the reason behind the unsettling dream was this fourteenth anniversary of his death looming in front of me. It wasn’t until I wrote my blog yesterday about William’s birthday that I realized what else was lurking in the shadows. The dark knight that I think may forever haunt me on my baby’s special day.
My mom asked me to help her find the scripture about God turning our mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11) because she is going to use it in a few weeks in reference to William’s birth. God did turn our mourning into dancing and gave us something to celebrate on this day. 2 years ago I would have paid someone to make his birthday February 1 or 3, but I am so thankful that God knew better and gave me the most amazing reason to celebrate. I’ll dance. I’ll celebrate. I’ll make cake batter pancakes for his special dinner and maybe even have some balloons. But my mourning isn’t gone. It just hides for a little bit and doesn’t take prominence in the way it once did.
He is gone. My mourning isn't.
- manda
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