M.M.

Drum roll please…

I’ll be starting a new series for the next few months – Monterey Monday. I realize it's now Tuesday but there are some posting issues on the blog and I found out a few that I thought I posted (like this one) never came through. So- pretend its Monday. I think it’ll be a good place for me to organize my thoughts as well as answer questions that a lot of people ask and unfortunately no one gets answers to. I don’t have a lot of answers – people ask why I don’t have much to say about Monterey and its mostly because I don’t have many answers. Take your questions and multiply them by 1,000 and that’s where I am. Lots of questions, no answers. There’s not a lot to talk about because conversations go nowhere when they end in questions.

So, I decided I should start with what I do know. Start with what little information I have and maybe then I can navigate through the other parts. And, if not, Monterey Monday may just be short lived. Guess we’ll see.

First up: the ugly stick in the mud.

There are a lot of parts of moving that make me anxious. There are a lot of details that make me want to go drink a margarita with a beer and a shot of cointreau in hopes that I will soon forget there were ever details to begin with. None of them compare to my anxiety surrounding William’s day care. It’s no secret that I humbly believe I’m raising the most brilliant boy who ever walked the earth. Add to that his manners (most of the time) sweet charm and ability to play well with others… and on the list goes. While I love to brag that he’s just that brilliant and sweet and good natured all on account of genes, I do believe that his great natural abilities and character have been exemplified through a GREAT school. I believe very much in his school. And his teachers. I could go on all day about how much I value The Goddard School and though I may sometimes cringe at the thought of paying as much for day care as I do for my mortgage, I would probably pay more if I had to and were able to. I love it. I couldn’t do a better job myself, I know that much, and it has been so easy to leave him in the hands of such wonderful people so that I am able to work and help do the best for our family that I can.

There is no Goddard in Monterey, CA. There really are no daycares, from what I can see. There are quite a few preschools which look decent on their websites, but they start at age 3. So our limited options are: military on-post day care commonly referred to as CDC, I stay home with him, or we get there and miraculously find a day care. Flip a coin, I (dis)like every option about as much as the other.

For a minute, let me remind you why I do not like the option of being a stay at home mom. Sure, I’d LOVE the opportunity if it were more financially feasible. Who wouldn’t love to spend all day every day with a boy as wonderful as William? You’d be a fool. But if the cost of staying home is that we live paycheck to paycheck, have very little cash once bills are paid, can never go on vacation, can visit family MAYBE once a year if we’re lucky, and have to really count the pennies – I do not think that’s a good trade. I am very money conscious and have lofty financial goals. Goals that do not include having my current savings amount in my savings account 3 years from now. Plans that include contributing to William’s college fund as much as possible. Plans that include family vacations.

Plans that single-income enlisted military families are not able to do. The military has its perks, but salary is not on that list. 100% covered healthcare – that’s a perk. Good retirement if you make it 20 years – that’s a perk. Military discounts, cheap on-post shopping, the nice handshakes you receive from random passersby at restaurants and malls – those are all perks. And quite frankly, most soldiers don’t sign up for perks or salary anyway. But there is a lot of room for improvement in their income if you ask me.

So to be clear, I don’t work because I don’t want to spend time with my child or because I am just so selfish that I have high career aspirations. I think its pretty clear how I feel about my current career path, and the only reason I am on that path is to provide for my family in the way I think is best.

Taking the assumption that I can find a job (which is sure to be a topic in an upcoming Monterey Monday) then we remove the possibility of me staying home and our options are to hope there is a day care I’ve not found online or the military day care. While it’s great to hope for the best, I think the most realistic option here is that William will go to the CDC. I apologize in advance if what I’m about to write sounds judgmental or rude or like I’m up on a high horse – I am not disagreeing with you if that’s your opinion, but I do apologize for it.

I’ve never considered William going to the CDC here in Colorado. When we were pregnant and were slapped in the face with the cost of high-end day care centers we never once considered sending him to the CDC as a more cost efficient option. Because I did grow up with a mom who was fortunate and able to stay home I never experienced day care and my only association with day care were the rumors from kids at school. Austin did go to day cares, having had a single mom who worked two jobs to support her family of three, and I have heard both of their horrible stories from subpar centers. So making a “cost efficient” choice was never an option in my head. William was going to go to a school where I felt he was going to be loved and educated and happy. If we were able to afford it – even if it required sacrifices in other areas – it was going to happen. Luckily God provided us with the means to take William to a place which I thank him for every day. Literally, I thank God for the ability to take William to Goddard every day in my prayers. I have gotten somewhat snobby in my opinion of other places, and I’m ok with admitting that. I’m ok with admitting that I am very proud of taking William to what my friend Jen refers to as “the Harvard of day cares” and I will gladly brag about its benefits. I’d much rather be called things like proud and snobby and materialistic and any other opinion that could be made than have him in a more “cost efficient” place that is more in line with the traditional thought of “day care”. I don’t want him to go somewhere with teachers who are there simply because it’s a job. I don’t want him to go somewhere that fills the time with useless playing and mindless activities. I love that he is being TAUGHT and EDUCATED and I don’t want to give that up.

Maybe God has different plans for me, that is certainly a possibility. Maybe God wants me to stay home with William. Maybe God wants to transform my financial goals and anxiety related to our financial security and financial future. Maybe. I’d like to think God knows me better than that and doesn’t want me to have anxiety attacks related to choose whether or not we can have a gourmet home cooked meal versus macaroni and cheese, but maybe He knows me in a way that those anxiety attacks can shape me in a way I’ve never imagined. He is powerful and can move mountains, so if He has a plan that involves this I will certainly do my best to trust and listen. But for now, I’m assuming that’s not his plan and that His plan is for William to continue to go to day care. Maybe His plan here is to change my closed minded view of the CDC. Maybe the teachers there love their kids just as much. Maybe the kids are well educated. Maybe it isn’t as bad as I have made it out to be. Maybe God wants to give me an ego check and show me that just because it isn’t Harvard doesn’t mean it’s bad.

Either way, I think God has some plans with where we’re going – I can feel it. From the sermons at church repeatedly speaking to me, to other messages and overall feelings I get – I really think He is doing some work in us right now. Whether he has a new plan for what we thought we wanted for our family, my career, William’s day-care or an overhaul all together is yet to be known. But I am doing my best to trust that His plan is (as always) the better plan and that the last thing I need to do is waste time worrying about the CDC.

Jesus fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish; surely he has great plans for my baby who he loves more than I can even comprehend.

- manda