What do you think of?

In times like this, what is it that you think of? Where does your focus land?

Do you think of the innocent lives lost? Do you think of the lives cut short, and what they could have become had someone not stolen it from them? I wonder what they thought when they saw the shooter enter the theater. I wonder if they saw him at all.

Do you think of the injured? Do you think of the people laying in the hospital with gun shot wounds? Their lives will never be the same. They will look at the world through new lenses. Will the lenses be good? Will they embrace the gift of another day and make something of themselves? Or will their vision forever be tainted and battered, seeing the worst in everything around them?

Do you think of the employees at the theater? The people who were awake in the middle of the night to try and earn some extra money on their next paycheck. The ones who were mindlessly serving popcorn and coke to people whose lives were going to end suddenly? I wonder what they felt when they were watching the time tick by on the clock then suddenly heard gunshots and screams.

Do you think of the families who got dreaded phone calls? Mothers kissed their teenagers before they went to bed that night and told them to come straight home after the movie. Parents paid babysitters to care for their children until their expected safe return a few hours later. But while someone was murdering innocent people at a theater, their families were sleeping peacefully at home in their beds. They had no idea the horrific loss they were going to endure in their sleep. I wonder if they’ll ever sleep well again.

Do you think of the family of the shooter? Did they suspect anything was wrong with him? Did they talk to him at all? I wonder a lot about his mother. I wonder if she will replay his entire life in her head for years to come. I wonder if she will beat herself up forever over potential mistakes or wrong choices, never knowing if she failed as a mother. The guilt of motherhood is the heaviest burden to carry I think.

Do you think of your own families? Do you hug them one more time just because you realize life is precious? Do you call and apologize for the mean thing you said yesterday? I usually tell William we don’t have time for 4 books in the morning (he asks for 4 because he knows at bedtime he gets 4) but today I let him sit in my lap as I read 4 books of his choice. I squeezed him tighter, I kissed him more, and I thanked God for the opportunity to be his mom. Again. And again.

Do you think of the shooter? Do you think of him with hatred? pity? compassion? I wonder how long he planned this. Weeks ago when he saw his state ablaze did the thought ever cross his mind that enough lives were lost? I wonder why he planned this. Was he angry? Was he lonely? Was his brain so convoluted to think that he was just acting out a scene from the movie? Did he just want his name to go down in history? I wonder what he’s thinking right now.

Or are you like me? Me – I think of all of them. I juggle thoughts of the victims, the witnesses, the families, my family, and the shooter. Am I so affected by this tragedy because it occurred 10 minutes from our last home? Or are we all so affected by tragedies like this because it brings reality to the forefront of our attention? I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m scared. I’m sorry.

And I’m thankful. I’m thankful that I have been given today. I’m thankful that I can appreciate the blessings in my life. My entire day was filled with love and blessings, and I’m thankful I can remember that today.



- manda