If heaven wasn't so far

I had 2 dreams last night. First, I dreamt Austin was home for r&r and it was wonderful. Right up until I woke up :) The next dream was more abstract. I was watching a storm build in the sky. It was the kind of storm where you can visibly see the different pressure systems forming storm clouds and colliding.

And to my surprise, I didn't wake up disturbed or bothered by it. I know what it meant, and it doesn't bother me.

This week hasn't been the easiest, and I have felt at times like there is a storm cloud sitting over my head. From the animals to the hail storm, to my commute on Wednesday that took twice as long as it should - I've just felt like the more I tried the more my life resisted.

Add to that the fact that Sunday is both father's day and the anniversary of mimi's death and what do you get? Low pressure and high pressure systems building up a big storm. But for the first time all week, I woke up feeling as if I am in the calm of it all. And it felt great.

Father's day has always been very hard for me. Last year I loved it because I was able to focus all of my energy on celebrating Austin, but this year celebrating him doesn't bring any comfort. I made a fun package and am very excited for him to get it, but besides that it is just a day to remember even more how much I wish he and William could be together.

And it reminds me how much I wish I could be with my dad. And with his mom.

It's been a year since mimi passed away, and I still think of her almost every day. I don't struggle with thinking she's still alive anymore, or that I could still walk into her house and see her sitting in her chair. But I miss her as much as ever. I can still hear the way she would say 'I love ya!' or 'you're such a dear' every time I called. I miss that she always asked how Reagan and 'leasle' were doing, then quickly remembered Nancy too. I miss the calming feeling of driving up to her house, and the warm welcome with which she greeted me at the door. I miss her every day.

And missing her goes hand in hand with missing my dad. I still sometimes can't fathom that my children will never know my dad, or that I have now lived longer without him than with him. Those two facts just seem too far fetched for me to wrap my head around. I want William to know him, and not just by my words. I want him to run up to him the way he runs to Brian, and I want my dad to be as much of a blessing to William as mimi was to me.

I know William has 4 grandparents who adore him to pieces, and I know he is so richly blessed. I just know how full my life has been as a result of mimi and my dad, and I wish I could share that. As Justin Moore sings, 'if heaven wasn't so far away I'd pack up the kids and go for the day, introduce them to their grandpa...'

I wish I could send my dad a fathers day card, and I wish I could see William give Austin a fathers day hug. But I guess this year just isn't the year for that. So I'll rely on him one more time to wrap his little arms around my neck and fill me with the warmth of his love. And I know that soon I will again be able to celebrate Austin and william's relationship, and how much I am blessed through them.

Although this post seems very sad, this is the end of the struggles of my week. I've been through many, many grief milestones and it has been my experience that days like Sunday are much easier than the time leading up to them. So I know that the storm clouds are lifting, and I know that my dad can see me now. he knows how much I love him, and he loves his grandson like no other.

Like Laura story says in her song 'blessings': what if trials of this life are blessings in disguise?'

Thanks for that Alexis, I've leaned on it all week.


- manda