Faith deployed

Has God ever placed something good in your lap, yet you instantly knew it was a tool you were going to need for some unknown reason? And you figured you'd rather give back this gift than see why he chose to give it to you? That happened to me last week.

I stumbled across a new book on Tuesday called Faith Deployed. It is a collection of stories written by 15 military spouses about the struggles of military life and how to use your faith to help you flourish. The moment I started reading I feared that this book, which has been around for years, was purposely revealed to me at that time. I didn't know why, but I assumed I wouldn't like the reason.

Assumption proven true.

If I'm being completely open and honest, this transition back into deployment hasn't been the smoothest. I haven't been crying in my cereal or wearing mismatched shoes, I just haven't felt normal or in the drivers seat. I felt like I couldn't get a grasp on what my routine had been for the last 6 months, much less how to get it back. I was hopeful that once I got back to work on tuesday it would all start to settle in.

I think it would have had I not soon found out that Austin's group would be extended for 3-4 weeks. He was supposed to be home Dec 1, and you Better believe I was counting down before he even left. His new date is Dec 26.

I could go into the reasons according to his unit. I could go into the reasons according to me. But the why's aren't all that important here.

I know that some families endure far more than 10 months of separation, and I know that some families endure extensions of 3+ months. So I won't pretend for one minute that I have it worse than anyone in the history of this painful war. I don't.

But the fact is that extensions, long or short, allow the army to take what you thought was yours. If I had been told last fall that his deployment would be feb 18-January 15, I would have been expecting this all along and planning accordingly. I would have already figured out what to do for a 'family' Christmas card. I would have already made arrangements for how to spend Christmas apart. I would have planned Jamaica accordingly and my sails would still be flying high at full speed.

But I already gave the army what they asked for. I already surrendered 9 months of deployment and 3 months of training and what was to come after December 1 was supposed to be mine. My calendar. My schedule. My control.

Extensions take away all of that.

I know that 26 days isn't very long, and when you consider that we were supposed to be apart 290 days, changing it to 316 isn't that much of a difference. It's just that I feel like I had perfectly allocated my Rosie ways to last 290 days. I already allotted my strength and endurance. Don't tell me at mile 20 that a marathon is actually 30 miles instead of 26. Tell me from the start.

And while 26 days isn't a lot, these 26 days are. It's our anniversary. Christmas. Our trip to Jamaica. Our family hunting trip. Our year-end-blowout vehicle purchase. There were a lot of plans crammed into the last month of 2011 that unfortunately don't just easily slide to January 2012. My work schedule just doesn't allow it to work that way, car dealerships don't work that way, and deer hunting doesn't work that way.

The army took my control when I thought I was just a few paces away.

But Gods little gift has reminded me that I don't have that control even when I think I do. His gift reminded me that I am in charge of building my family's attitude toward the army and toward our life's choice. My attitude will be absorbed and mimicked by William and any future sibling/s. I used to be able to say that I didn't choose the army, I chose Austin. But when I agreed to 5 more years, this time I did choose it. And my new book is helping me see (or diligently trying) that I need to remember I made this choice for a reason. God gave my life this plan for a reason. And our time together as a family is not ours, it is His.

I'm not saying I'm over it. I'm not saying I quit pointing the blame or that my thoughts of kicking certain people in certain bodily regions have subsided. But I will take the tool that God has given me and see where it leads. It's not guaranteed to make this any easier or make me any more of a pro. But when has deploying your faith ever done harm? So here we go.

106 days. A little bit of deja vu, but almost down to double digits.


- manda