Wanna cry with me?

This title is my warning to those who asked for tissue-notices.

sometimes the human mind works in the most peculiar ways. Sometimes things that seem to just go together logically don't really process together mentally...and it's just odd and slightly unfair.

First, I had a slight meltdown on Tuesday when I was asked what William will be getting for Christmas. I didn't have a meltdown because of the fact that I don't know - I mean hello I have almost 3 months. I had a meltdown because for the first time it occurred to me that I'll be shopping alone.

I know what some of you may be thinking:
~you'd love to go with me!
--while i do appreciate the offer, it's like sugar free ice cream. Great intentions but purpose not fulfilled.
~Austin and I can shop online together
~we could just buy his present/s after Christmas and probably get better sales

Ok - I know all of those make sense. But that's not the point. Me and Austin should be shopping together, and somehow when I was throwing a hissy fit over his one month extension my mind never travelled to the topic of Christmas shopping. I thought about Christmas day and our anniversary and Christmas decorating and Christmas eve church. But not shopping. And it's not fair! I was done with my fits! I was being a big girl! I was sucking it up! Why did my brain have to omit that part only to revisit it later?

But that's not why we are crying. That's just the first example of how my brain deceived me this week.

Second came tonight when I was at Austin's uncle's viewing. I'd never been to a viewing. I didn't know how it'd feel or what I'd think or even how I'd act.(I also apparently didn't know what the appropriate attire was) What I REALLY didn't know was what little tricks my mind would play on me unrelated to uncle frank.

My mom sent me a picture of Brian and William in her pool and in the small thumbnail version in the text, before I maximized it on the screen, my heart skipped a beat and I had to blink twice. I saw my dad. My dad was holding my son. And once my vision cleared enough for me to realize it was Brian, my brain realize something else too. I won't ever see that. Ever.

Just like the Christmas shopping realization, this should have come earlier in my grief. I knew he wouldn't ever get to be a grandfather. I grieved that loss long before I was married. But what my brain hadn't processed was that in his not being a grandfather, that meant I'd never see him hold my baby.

I know it sounds the same. I know it is the same. But somehow my mind split the two. When I saw that picture of my dad holding William in the pool, it seemed so right. It seemed like a scene I'd seen many times before.

I guess that must have been in my dreams. Just before blink number three I realized the truth and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Or a Mack truck. Or how I hope mario Williams hits ben rothelisberger this weekend. Or all three at once.

It's not fair! None of it is fair! I don't want to shop by myself or online or with an Austin substitute. I didn't want to stand in a room tonight fielding the same deployment questions over and over, eaves dropping on people talking about what life must be like for an army wife with a toddler. (if you wanna know- just ask! Or read my blog...you'll learn more that way) I don't want to go to Austin's uncle's funeral Tomorrow without him. And I don't want to accept that my dad will never hold my son.

I don't want to.

If I kick and scream enough will it go away? I don't have a better blog-conclusion than that. It just needs to go away.

Grief is a funny beast. And even after 13 years, when you think you're a pro, it'll sneak up and bite you when you least expect it.


- manda