Frustrated

In 13 years without my dad I've learned that grief is a tricky little monster. One day you think you're fine, and then the next day for no apparent reason at all everything hits you like a ton of bricks. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to ignore it or move past it or slap it in the face it's just there...like a devil shaking his sword and laughing in your face. Deployment is a lot like that. And the days that you think will be the worst, the days you prepare for and dread...they're never as bad as they should be. But after you've had a wonderful weekend and a relaxing day for yourself you can wake up and instantly know that its going to be one of those days. Why? Why does it work that way? I mean I expect that mother's day, father's day, my birthday, his birthday will be hard. I know that and I'm ready for it. But April 4...why? And how can I already know its a bad day when I've only been half-awake for 5 minutes? But I did. I woke up and I already knew "this is going to be an i-wish-i-was-back-in-bed kind of day." And there's nothing I could do to stop it. Every song on the radio made me sad. Songs that have no symbolism or connection in my life. Songs that probably aren't even truly sad songs. Then I get mad. I'm mad at myself for being so stupid, mad at the radio for deliberately playing this horrible songs, mad at the musicians for even making music like this, and mad at the army for putting me in this position - a position where anything can make me sad. I'm mad because I can't get my sprinkler on and now I have to ask someone to help me. I don't want to ask someone to help me. I want to do it by myself. Why can't I do it by myself? Why does it work every year for Austin, and the one year he's not here I follow his instructions and it doesn't work? And, I'm most mad because Austin told me that he had given me the wrong address. The military addresses overseas are so complicated and its like they're written in another language or something. He had given me one wrong digit in his zip code, and unlike America one wrong digit is the difference between Kuwait and Afghanistan. Pretty big error for one digit, I think. So, I've already mailed him 3 packages. Everything in the address depicts Afghanistan but that one stupid number, and according to my less than helpful postal friend this morning, that is the ONLY thing the delivery people will look at. Really? That's the ONLY thing they'll look at? Do these people get trained?! So, the fate of my packages will fall into 1 of 3 categories, and solely relies on a delivery person who apparently only looks at one number. 1. The package will be returned to me, and may take 3-4 months. 2. The package will be dispersed among soldiers in Kuwait, as sometimes delivery people think "oh it was for a soldier, I'll give it to random soldiers." even though its not right. Again, are they trained? 3. The delivery person will think to look at the other components of the address and forward it on. We won't know the fate of the packages until they either do or don't show up at either of our door steps (or tent steps, as the case may be). So 6 months from now I could get a package, or a year from now I could count it all as lost. Not knowing is a pretty unsettling thing. I mean, even an email from a random soldier saying "thanks for the goodies" would be better than always wondering if Austin will get the oh-so-cute collage I made him from William's art gala. I was feeling especially loving and crafty and I made miniature copies of all of his art and pictures from the Gala, then made a little collage so Austin could feel like he had kind of been there. But now GI Joe will feel as if he was at William's art gala. Or, maybe he won't. We may never know. Not fun. I'm mad that I went to 2 post offices and 4 fax machines just to get a copy of a form to the Denver distribution center, only to hear "I doubt we'll be able to find the package". I had JUST mailed him a package on Saturday full of fun stuff for Easter, so I had high hopes that it could be recalled before ever leaving the country. I still think it should be possible, I just don't think they care. So I'm mad. I'm mad at pretty much every person I've encountered today. But mad is really just an emotion to cover sad sometimes, and all I really am is sad. Sad because it feels like it's been a year since I saw Austin and it hasn't even been 2 months. And if he were here, none of the above mentioned issues would even exist. So, today deployment wins. I'm conceding. I've spent all day trying to fight it and all its done has gotten me more and more mad at myself for not being able to turn it around. So, today I lose. That's ok though. Tomorrow is a new day. And tomorrow I can tell you about the wonderful weekend I had.