Prayers for a Week

I am going to be frighteningly transparent for the next few minutes. Maybe translucent, but its still a vulnerable place to be. Bear with me as I'm nervous, and when I'm nervous I'm wordy.

I recently saw a website of 14 things not to say to an army wife. It was shocking how I had heard all 14 countless times. It reminded me of high school when I had horrible acne and I used to tell my friends they should know their audience before talking; when talking to someone with a face full of bumps you probably should refrain from complaining about one. Not that I didn't care for my friends, but their complaints were "oh my gosh this is so hideous". Hmm, really? Because I have about 100 times more than you do so what does that make me? That's how the army wife comments make me feel.

I'll condense the website's wordiness and just share the 14 phrases with you:

1. Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?

2. I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it.

3. At least he's not in Iraq. (why people think Iraq is worse, I don't know)

4. Do you think he'll be home for ___(insert holiday)?

5. What are you doing to keep yourself busy while he's gone?

6. How much longer does he have until he can get out?

7. This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it.

8. My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through.

9. Wow, you must miss him.

10. Where is he exactly? Where is that?

11. Well, he signed up for it so it's his own fault.

12. Don't you miss sex? I don't think I could do that!

13. Well, in my opinion...(insert political or moral or spiritual opinions about the war)

14. Oh, that's horrible I'm so sorry.

Where I'm going to focus for today is a combination of #7, #11, and my own foolish pride.

A lot of people think that because we've done this before I'm an expert. While I do have experience, I have no expertise. Big difference. I focused so much on getting through his last deployment that I never quite paid attention to how. I don't know if that ever changes. A lot of other people think that because I chose to marry him, I wanted this life. I chose him. I love him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. If missing him sometimes is what it required, I was willing to make that sacrifice because he was worth it. That's not what I wanted. I didn't ask for it or want it just because I signed up for it. I know it must be hard for some people to understand the difference as they are fairly closely linked, and that's ok. I don't expect everyone to understand. Just know.

Take the two of those controversial issues and add to them my desire to not need help, not need support, not need prayer, and not need your concern(basically my pride) and what you get is my inability to express when something is wrong. If I'm having a bad day I tell everyone I talk to I'm fine, and I think I do a pretty good job of lying, and then when I talk to Austin I tell it all to him. Who understands better than the person on the other end? He doesn't make me explain or expand on things if I don't want to, he doesn't get confused on logistics and ask questions, he doesn't expect me to need him to swoop him and "fix" my life. He just listens, responds when I need him to and keeps his mouth shut when I need him to. And the best part - he knows exactly which one I need without me saying so. If I'm at my wits end with my job or William or loneliness - I just save it all for him. I'm sure he feels very lucky for it :) I'm not saying that anyone is wrong or bad if they need to stop me to ask for clarification or details, or if they don't get the logistics of what I try to say. I am not saying I don't appreciate the love and support that I am so richly blessed with. I'm just saying that in my hour of need, Austin knows best what I need as I'm sure many of your spouses do too.

The problem is, roughly 24 hours from now he will be out of pocket for roughly a week.(gotta be vague here) 8 days is the longest we've ever gone without talking - we did it a couple of times when he was in Iraq and I almost had no hair by the end of each week. I know plenty of people go far longer than that, and my hat goes off to them. I'm certain I'd be bald. The difference now, which I'm banking on being a lifesaver, is that when he was in Iraq I never knew when he "should" be back so I never knew if something had gone awry. This time they have to schedule things more so he's able to tell me "I won't be able to talk until___" and insert a day. Then I can rest a little easier until that day, telling myself things are going according to plan. So, I have a day. I know I don't need to worry until that day.

Of course I'm worried about him. His loss of access means he's moving around, and moving around is where the danger is. So yes, I worry. But I told him I'm also worried about me. I've only had 3 real meltdown-days since he left, but what if I have one next week? His response was "You have SO much more support this time than last time. You have everyone in Houston, all your family in Illinois, your brothers, plus all of your friends in Colorado. If you have a meltdown or need help or need someone to spend the night at the house, I really want you to call someone." Hmm. He doesn't ask a whole lot of me while he's gone, but he's asking me to find someone to call if I need something. I want to honor him, but I don't want to do this. The only answer here is for me not to need anyone during that week.

Generally God does not give us what we pray for, rather he gives us what we need. So in my prayer for not needing anyone, his answer could very well be that he just gives me who I need. I hope He is listening right now as I stress that I'd much more prefer my option. In any case, please pray for us during this week. Please pray for Austin's safety. I pray every day that God keep him safe - in body, mind and spirit as the last 2 are just as important. Please pray for him as he will miss William TERRIBLY during this time. He relies on my email updates and my pictures to help him feel a part of William's life, and for a week he won't have that. Please pray that he will find other ways to comfort himself and allow him to focus on the tasks at hand. And please pray that when that day I mentioned earlier comes, he IMs me and says he made it back safely.

For me? Just pray for no meltdowns. I know that you would gladly support me at any hour of the day (assuming that the people reading this aren't blog stalkers, though I do know of a few of you out there) and I know that you almost hope that one day I'll call on you in my hour of need. Maybe I will. But please just pray I don't need you this week. I'd much rather call and gripe about my lack of iPad, my red velvet cupcake I left at my friend's house, my messy bedroom, or the latest Idol news.

So please pray with me.