I wish I could count how many times my husband has texted or emailed me to say there is a unit function in a week (or, let's be honest about his planning skills, a day) and it's adults only. This means one of two things: he will go alone and I'll stay home with kids, or I'll scramble to find a sitter and add at least $50 to the cost of the unit function. In the days of only having one kid, finding a sitter wasn't too hard or too costly. These days, I don't have people lining up at the door, let's just say that, and the hourly rate goes up with each extra mouth to feed and butt to wash. We can't possibly afford a sitter for every function there will be.
I wish I could tell you how many times I have seethed with jealousy at the frequency some people have date nights because they have parents nearby who just adore spending time with their kids. Or the number of times I've cringed listening to friends talk about how their parents or siblings took their kids so they could clean their house/go to their doc appointment/get their hair done. These are luxuries I've never known in my 8 years of parenting, and to say I never have pangs of jealousy would be a flat out lie. I won't even try.
I wish I could put into words how difficult the last 8 weeks have been for my kids (and for me) but really, I can't. Maybe I don't want you to know the weight anyway! I can't put it into words because every day the depth of their sadness and grief shocks me; I can't because there just really aren't words. For example, there was a full out meltdown and tantrum a couple of weeks ago because I took a polaroid picture and said I was sending it to dada. Why is that a meltdown? "Because I don't want my dada to be in Kuwait with my picture, I want my dada to be here." I can't possibly put into words what it is like to rock my child in my lap as she begs me to bring her dada home, or what it's like to have no answers when my child asks me why his dada can't be there for his last baseball game. I thought parents had all the answers, but in the last 8 weeks I have had fewer answers than I ever thought possible.
I chose this life. I won't say "I knew what I was getting into" because that's quite impossible for any life, but I did know it'd be migratory and there would be things "back home" I'd miss out on as a result. I knew there were sacrifices on the table and I still made this choice. I chose to marry the man I madly loved despite the costs. I'm not saying there aren't benefits, because there are. The costs are heavier than I ever imagined, though. And my kids? They didn't choose this. They didn't choose for their relationships with their grandparents to be 95% on facetime, or for their only time with cousins to be when we go on cross country trips. They didn't choose to change schools, leave friends behind, and lose everything they thought was real in life outside of their nuclear family. My kids certainly didn't chose to give their dad up for 9 months for a cause they may never understand - a cause I may never truly understand.
I see friends who have upgraded to house #2, using their buying/selling power from house #1, and are so settled in their community that I can't help but wish that was my life. I see friends having get togethers with people they've been friends with for 10+ years, growing together and building villages together. I see friends climbing the ranks of the employer they've had since college graduation, building quite the career empire. I see friends who get to use their vacation time for actual vacations (gasp!) because they see their extended families regularly. I see all of this and I start to wonder why we didn't chose that life. When I look at it that way, it makes this path we're going down seem awfully lonely. Wouldn't it have been easier to hang this hat 10 years ago and build that life?
But, by the grace of God, we have been blessed with "framily" who love us through the chaos. I call it framily because sometimes friends are more than family, and sometimes family is more than we ever thought we deserved. For the friends/family members who love and support us, make extra efforts to maintain relationships through the chaos, and are willing to put everything on hold to welcome us back whenever our schedules allow I'll be eternally grateful. A couple of weeks ago my kids and I went to a birthday party for the daughters of a friend who I talk to maybe once or twice a year, just because we were in town and we are always welcomed with open arms. I had a friend willingly use her vacation time to ride 18 hours in the car with 3 kids, a dog, and ME just so I wouldn't be alone and then another friend willingly leave her husband and new house behind for a few days to help me on my road back. I had a friend text me this week, after maybe a month of silence between us, just to say "order you and the kids dinner sometime soon when you don't feel like adulting and the tab is on me". My mom made it clear that during my short time visiting she was willing to take on whatever I needed in relation to the kids just to give me a break. Now back home, I've still got 6+ months of playing the role of a single parent to grieving kids, so for the brief time I was offered a haven. Lots of dinner invitations, friends arranging their schedules to make sure they have time to see me on a tight schedule, people wanting to come visit to see our new home. It goes on and on. I have a list of people ready and willing to use their vacation time to fly to Georgia and help me when/if I need it while Austin is away. And the beauty of our framily doesn't end with the people in Houston with whom we started this journey! We've had the privilege of meeting people from all over the country, on all different paths; people who we'd never have had the opportunity to meet otherwise. I have a friend I haven't seen since 2014 because work/life/kids hinder the 1,500+ mile gap from closing for us. But, we talk almost daily and she's one of the greatest supports in my life. I have friends on the west coast checking in to make sure I'm doing well, while I am making new friends on the east coast who are treating me as if I've been in their circle for years.
But, by the grace of God, we have been blessed with "framily" who love us through the chaos. I call it framily because sometimes friends are more than family, and sometimes family is more than we ever thought we deserved. For the friends/family members who love and support us, make extra efforts to maintain relationships through the chaos, and are willing to put everything on hold to welcome us back whenever our schedules allow I'll be eternally grateful. A couple of weeks ago my kids and I went to a birthday party for the daughters of a friend who I talk to maybe once or twice a year, just because we were in town and we are always welcomed with open arms. I had a friend willingly use her vacation time to ride 18 hours in the car with 3 kids, a dog, and ME just so I wouldn't be alone and then another friend willingly leave her husband and new house behind for a few days to help me on my road back. I had a friend text me this week, after maybe a month of silence between us, just to say "order you and the kids dinner sometime soon when you don't feel like adulting and the tab is on me". My mom made it clear that during my short time visiting she was willing to take on whatever I needed in relation to the kids just to give me a break. Now back home, I've still got 6+ months of playing the role of a single parent to grieving kids, so for the brief time I was offered a haven. Lots of dinner invitations, friends arranging their schedules to make sure they have time to see me on a tight schedule, people wanting to come visit to see our new home. It goes on and on. I have a list of people ready and willing to use their vacation time to fly to Georgia and help me when/if I need it while Austin is away. And the beauty of our framily doesn't end with the people in Houston with whom we started this journey! We've had the privilege of meeting people from all over the country, on all different paths; people who we'd never have had the opportunity to meet otherwise. I have a friend I haven't seen since 2014 because work/life/kids hinder the 1,500+ mile gap from closing for us. But, we talk almost daily and she's one of the greatest supports in my life. I have friends on the west coast checking in to make sure I'm doing well, while I am making new friends on the east coast who are treating me as if I've been in their circle for years.
I don't share all of the above examples to guilt anyone into taking our next road trip or offering to buy our next meal. I share them to say thanks to those of you who have chosen to love us and adapt to this crazy ride along with us.
If any/all of the above applies to YOU:
Thank you for loving my kids even if you only see them once a year. Thank you for making efforts to see them at any cost. Thank you for supporting me even when I've had to break our last 15 planned outings because the army says so. I may not ever have weekly date nights with my husband, and I will likely always be jealous of those of you who do. But what I do have is a village that extends coast to coast, and the support I can feel is indescribable.
If any/all of the above applies to YOU:
Thank you for loving my kids even if you only see them once a year. Thank you for making efforts to see them at any cost. Thank you for supporting me even when I've had to break our last 15 planned outings because the army says so. I may not ever have weekly date nights with my husband, and I will likely always be jealous of those of you who do. But what I do have is a village that extends coast to coast, and the support I can feel is indescribable.
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