When all is said and done, I think one of the best things to come out of our 2.5 years in Killeen will be my reintroduction to my flute. Before this summer I hadn't played (for longer than maybe 10 minutes) since high school. I recently had the opportunity to audition for a local volunteer symphony. I only had about a week to practice before my audition and I hadn't looked at sheet music in 15 years, so I wasn't overly confident I'd even make it through a song. I was surprised to find that I was actually pretty good. Obviously not where I was once, but, all things considered, I was very impressed at how much I retained after such a long drought. I practiced every day for that week and I got fairly confident on the pieces for the audition. I learned they had auditioned 32 people o different instruments already and only 5 made it, so I was realistic about the possibility of not making it.
I was honestly blown away by my own performance and the feedback during my audition. The conductor (who is a famous flutist himself! good thing I didn't know that before) was overflowing with compliments. He complimented my music education and asked where I went to school. When I told him the name of my band director and school district he said "ah yes, now it makes sense". Naturally I had to pass that compliment along, so I sent a message to my former band director to tell him the story. Again, I was blown away by his response. "I'm glad you're playing again, you're a very talented musician and that doesn't go away".
Me? A talented musician? That really made me take a step back and think for a minute. I spent 3 years playing piano and then 7 years playing flute and piccolo. Never in those 10 years would I have said I was a talented musician. I don't think I would have even said I was "good". I spent those years, especially the last 4, so focused on trying to be perfect and trying to be the best that I completely missed what I was doing. A classmate was always ahead of me for flute first chair, and when I thought maybe I could pass her up someone 2 years younger came in and blew us all out of the water. (she's phenomenal, btw, can't blame us for being left in her dust) When I switched to piccolo I thought for sure I'd be the best in the district, but then a flute player at the high school down the road switched to piccolo and she was always a few steps ahead. I could never catch Amanda on flute and I could never catch Amie on piccolo. I wasn't the best and that's all I ever saw.
Being in band in high school was one of the best decisions I made in those years. I had a director and mentor who cared about me as a person and helped me through very difficult years. I developed leadership skills as the drum major (read: I like to boss people around). I made friends who made a lasting impact on my life, some of which are still my close friends today. I stayed out of trouble as I stayed busy, and I really believe music helps education. But, despite all of those things I never truly felt good enough because my measure of success was beating those 2 people.
Here's a life lesson it's taken me 30+ years to even begin to learn: being perfect is not what it's about. What if I had beaten Amie to be the best in district our senior year? I would have gone on to find there was someone else better in the state. I would have been so beaten up about not beating her that I probably wouldn't have allowed myself to celebrate the progress, just like I didn't allow myself to celebrate my progress over my 7 years of playing. Lesson: Progress not Perfection.
I am so excited to be a part of the symphony. I am stretching myself, pushing myself, and loving making music again. The best part so far has been the change in perspective. I am celebrating progress each week and enjoying listening to myself improve. 15 years ago all I heard were mistakes. Now, when I listen to myself, I hear beautiful music.
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