Good riddance.
One more month down, less than 3 to go.
We can do it!
- manda
Sep 30, 2011
Sep 28, 2011
Wanna cry with me?
This title is my warning to those who asked for tissue-notices.
sometimes the human mind works in the most peculiar ways. Sometimes things that seem to just go together logically don't really process together mentally...and it's just odd and slightly unfair.
First, I had a slight meltdown on Tuesday when I was asked what William will be getting for Christmas. I didn't have a meltdown because of the fact that I don't know - I mean hello I have almost 3 months. I had a meltdown because for the first time it occurred to me that I'll be shopping alone.
I know what some of you may be thinking:
~you'd love to go with me!
--while i do appreciate the offer, it's like sugar free ice cream. Great intentions but purpose not fulfilled.
~Austin and I can shop online together
~we could just buy his present/s after Christmas and probably get better sales
Ok - I know all of those make sense. But that's not the point. Me and Austin should be shopping together, and somehow when I was throwing a hissy fit over his one month extension my mind never travelled to the topic of Christmas shopping. I thought about Christmas day and our anniversary and Christmas decorating and Christmas eve church. But not shopping. And it's not fair! I was done with my fits! I was being a big girl! I was sucking it up! Why did my brain have to omit that part only to revisit it later?
But that's not why we are crying. That's just the first example of how my brain deceived me this week.
Second came tonight when I was at Austin's uncle's viewing. I'd never been to a viewing. I didn't know how it'd feel or what I'd think or even how I'd act.(I also apparently didn't know what the appropriate attire was) What I REALLY didn't know was what little tricks my mind would play on me unrelated to uncle frank.
My mom sent me a picture of Brian and William in her pool and in the small thumbnail version in the text, before I maximized it on the screen, my heart skipped a beat and I had to blink twice. I saw my dad. My dad was holding my son. And once my vision cleared enough for me to realize it was Brian, my brain realize something else too. I won't ever see that. Ever.
Just like the Christmas shopping realization, this should have come earlier in my grief. I knew he wouldn't ever get to be a grandfather. I grieved that loss long before I was married. But what my brain hadn't processed was that in his not being a grandfather, that meant I'd never see him hold my baby.
I know it sounds the same. I know it is the same. But somehow my mind split the two. When I saw that picture of my dad holding William in the pool, it seemed so right. It seemed like a scene I'd seen many times before.
I guess that must have been in my dreams. Just before blink number three I realized the truth and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Or a Mack truck. Or how I hope mario Williams hits ben rothelisberger this weekend. Or all three at once.
It's not fair! None of it is fair! I don't want to shop by myself or online or with an Austin substitute. I didn't want to stand in a room tonight fielding the same deployment questions over and over, eaves dropping on people talking about what life must be like for an army wife with a toddler. (if you wanna know- just ask! Or read my blog...you'll learn more that way) I don't want to go to Austin's uncle's funeral Tomorrow without him. And I don't want to accept that my dad will never hold my son.
I don't want to.
If I kick and scream enough will it go away? I don't have a better blog-conclusion than that. It just needs to go away.
Grief is a funny beast. And even after 13 years, when you think you're a pro, it'll sneak up and bite you when you least expect it.
- manda
sometimes the human mind works in the most peculiar ways. Sometimes things that seem to just go together logically don't really process together mentally...and it's just odd and slightly unfair.
First, I had a slight meltdown on Tuesday when I was asked what William will be getting for Christmas. I didn't have a meltdown because of the fact that I don't know - I mean hello I have almost 3 months. I had a meltdown because for the first time it occurred to me that I'll be shopping alone.
I know what some of you may be thinking:
~you'd love to go with me!
--while i do appreciate the offer, it's like sugar free ice cream. Great intentions but purpose not fulfilled.
~Austin and I can shop online together
~we could just buy his present/s after Christmas and probably get better sales
Ok - I know all of those make sense. But that's not the point. Me and Austin should be shopping together, and somehow when I was throwing a hissy fit over his one month extension my mind never travelled to the topic of Christmas shopping. I thought about Christmas day and our anniversary and Christmas decorating and Christmas eve church. But not shopping. And it's not fair! I was done with my fits! I was being a big girl! I was sucking it up! Why did my brain have to omit that part only to revisit it later?
But that's not why we are crying. That's just the first example of how my brain deceived me this week.
Second came tonight when I was at Austin's uncle's viewing. I'd never been to a viewing. I didn't know how it'd feel or what I'd think or even how I'd act.(I also apparently didn't know what the appropriate attire was) What I REALLY didn't know was what little tricks my mind would play on me unrelated to uncle frank.
My mom sent me a picture of Brian and William in her pool and in the small thumbnail version in the text, before I maximized it on the screen, my heart skipped a beat and I had to blink twice. I saw my dad. My dad was holding my son. And once my vision cleared enough for me to realize it was Brian, my brain realize something else too. I won't ever see that. Ever.
Just like the Christmas shopping realization, this should have come earlier in my grief. I knew he wouldn't ever get to be a grandfather. I grieved that loss long before I was married. But what my brain hadn't processed was that in his not being a grandfather, that meant I'd never see him hold my baby.
I know it sounds the same. I know it is the same. But somehow my mind split the two. When I saw that picture of my dad holding William in the pool, it seemed so right. It seemed like a scene I'd seen many times before.
I guess that must have been in my dreams. Just before blink number three I realized the truth and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Or a Mack truck. Or how I hope mario Williams hits ben rothelisberger this weekend. Or all three at once.
It's not fair! None of it is fair! I don't want to shop by myself or online or with an Austin substitute. I didn't want to stand in a room tonight fielding the same deployment questions over and over, eaves dropping on people talking about what life must be like for an army wife with a toddler. (if you wanna know- just ask! Or read my blog...you'll learn more that way) I don't want to go to Austin's uncle's funeral Tomorrow without him. And I don't want to accept that my dad will never hold my son.
I don't want to.
If I kick and scream enough will it go away? I don't have a better blog-conclusion than that. It just needs to go away.
Grief is a funny beast. And even after 13 years, when you think you're a pro, it'll sneak up and bite you when you least expect it.
- manda
Sep 23, 2011
Isn't it ironic
8 hours ago I blogged and I was feeling good. Rosie was back and we were ready to tackle the next three months with grace and charm and all other admirable qualities. We. Were. Pumped.
5 hours later I had to do one of the hardest things a family member of a deployed soldier has to do. I had to tell Austin that a family member had passed away.
I delivered this news to Brian when mimi passed away, and those are honestly the 2 hardest things I've done.
It's hard enough to pass that news on to someone. But to listen to silence on the other end of a crackling phone connection; to hear what sounds like the sniffles of someone trying not to cry; to have to say 'I'm sorry' and yet feel the words are so empty; to know that they don't have someone to hug or cry with or lean on. The phone call ends and they have to go back to a world that is so foreign to me.
People shouldn't have to be strong when they hear of a loved one's passing. People shouldn't be alone. Austin should be able to lean on me and rely on me, and he should be able to have William warm his heart the way he did mine after mimi passed.
This isn't right. It isn't fair. It isn't fun.
This isn't what me and Rosie agreed to when we reunited last night. But, again I note - it's impossible to not see that God's timing is impeccable. It took me far too long to snap out of my post R&R blues, but it wasn't a minute too late. He knows.
And so I know that Austin isn't alone. I know that Jesus can wrap his arms around him and hold him tighter than I could. I know God is in charge and he has a plan. And I know that God will show me how best to support and honor my husband, though it's not how I think it should be.
So I'll flex my muscles, I'll put my game face on, I'll be strong and be supportive and be whatever he needs. And I know that will be more than enough.
- manda
5 hours later I had to do one of the hardest things a family member of a deployed soldier has to do. I had to tell Austin that a family member had passed away.
I delivered this news to Brian when mimi passed away, and those are honestly the 2 hardest things I've done.
It's hard enough to pass that news on to someone. But to listen to silence on the other end of a crackling phone connection; to hear what sounds like the sniffles of someone trying not to cry; to have to say 'I'm sorry' and yet feel the words are so empty; to know that they don't have someone to hug or cry with or lean on. The phone call ends and they have to go back to a world that is so foreign to me.
People shouldn't have to be strong when they hear of a loved one's passing. People shouldn't be alone. Austin should be able to lean on me and rely on me, and he should be able to have William warm his heart the way he did mine after mimi passed.
This isn't right. It isn't fair. It isn't fun.
This isn't what me and Rosie agreed to when we reunited last night. But, again I note - it's impossible to not see that God's timing is impeccable. It took me far too long to snap out of my post R&R blues, but it wasn't a minute too late. He knows.
And so I know that Austin isn't alone. I know that Jesus can wrap his arms around him and hold him tighter than I could. I know God is in charge and he has a plan. And I know that God will show me how best to support and honor my husband, though it's not how I think it should be.
So I'll flex my muscles, I'll put my game face on, I'll be strong and be supportive and be whatever he needs. And I know that will be more than enough.
- manda
She's back!
I apparently left Rosie in San Diego where she must have enjoyed herself a little too much because she took a lot longer to come back home than I did.
It took me awhile to re-find my motivation and attitude and drive after Austin left. I just plain didn't want to! I didn't want to wash dishes and make lunches every night. I didn't want to workout, I didn't want to read, I didn't want to write, I didn't want to work. What did I want to do?
I wanted to be with my husband.
But, this week I've slowly been back to normal and I can happily say I finally feel the way I did bak in July. Whew, I was getting a little worried that I wouldn't ever get back there!
The biggest sign that I'm back: I'm playing mission organization in our garage.
We have a normal 2 car garage...the kind that could maybe squeeze in 2 cars if there were nothing else in it. (or if you drove 2 honda civics or something)
There isn't extra space on the sides or at the back like I've seen in some, so it's always been a struggle to keep it organized, store everything we need, and still have room for my trailblazer. But, since TB has been gone for 7 months the garage has exploded. Austin has more tools than home depot, we have enough golf clubs for a 4some and one extra, we have tons of lawn chemicals (which come on, we never use), pet supplies, paint galore, camping gear, a ping pong table, a heavy bag, and other random stuff which seems to just appear out of nowhere. We've also received a lot of bulky hand me down toys for William that are a little old for him, yet can't fit in the crawl space or house. So - they've been sitting out in the open collecting dust and grass and random crap that I've dropped and never picked up.
That time is done. Expy (the name for my explorer until I finalize her real name) deserves better. So, away I went.
I've spent one hour the past 3 nights Cleaning and categorizing, moving things around, making piles for goodwill and for the crawl space, making a pile for 'where the H will this go?' and...the best part...finding that I DID have one more place in the house I could paint. (silly me thought I was done!) I used the spare maroon paint from the office and painted the stairs that lead to the kitchen. They were an ugly dingy blue before with brown and black stains (somehow there were printed words that seemed to have peeled off something else????) But now they are happy and maroon, and soon will be happier when I add white stickers that say gig 'em or howdy or aTm. Still deciding on that one.
But it seems that's where I found her. She was hiding in the clutter, just waiting for my organizational itch to bother me enough to get me back on my feet.
Feels good to be back. And in 3 more months I can send her on her way for good. Or for awhile :) September has been as gruesome as February was, but I'm about to kick it to the curb and welcome October with open arms and lots of pumpkins adorning my house. Happy first day of fall :)
- manda
It took me awhile to re-find my motivation and attitude and drive after Austin left. I just plain didn't want to! I didn't want to wash dishes and make lunches every night. I didn't want to workout, I didn't want to read, I didn't want to write, I didn't want to work. What did I want to do?
I wanted to be with my husband.
But, this week I've slowly been back to normal and I can happily say I finally feel the way I did bak in July. Whew, I was getting a little worried that I wouldn't ever get back there!
The biggest sign that I'm back: I'm playing mission organization in our garage.
We have a normal 2 car garage...the kind that could maybe squeeze in 2 cars if there were nothing else in it. (or if you drove 2 honda civics or something)
There isn't extra space on the sides or at the back like I've seen in some, so it's always been a struggle to keep it organized, store everything we need, and still have room for my trailblazer. But, since TB has been gone for 7 months the garage has exploded. Austin has more tools than home depot, we have enough golf clubs for a 4some and one extra, we have tons of lawn chemicals (which come on, we never use), pet supplies, paint galore, camping gear, a ping pong table, a heavy bag, and other random stuff which seems to just appear out of nowhere. We've also received a lot of bulky hand me down toys for William that are a little old for him, yet can't fit in the crawl space or house. So - they've been sitting out in the open collecting dust and grass and random crap that I've dropped and never picked up.
That time is done. Expy (the name for my explorer until I finalize her real name) deserves better. So, away I went.
I've spent one hour the past 3 nights Cleaning and categorizing, moving things around, making piles for goodwill and for the crawl space, making a pile for 'where the H will this go?' and...the best part...finding that I DID have one more place in the house I could paint. (silly me thought I was done!) I used the spare maroon paint from the office and painted the stairs that lead to the kitchen. They were an ugly dingy blue before with brown and black stains (somehow there were printed words that seemed to have peeled off something else????) But now they are happy and maroon, and soon will be happier when I add white stickers that say gig 'em or howdy or aTm. Still deciding on that one.
But it seems that's where I found her. She was hiding in the clutter, just waiting for my organizational itch to bother me enough to get me back on my feet.
Feels good to be back. And in 3 more months I can send her on her way for good. Or for awhile :) September has been as gruesome as February was, but I'm about to kick it to the curb and welcome October with open arms and lots of pumpkins adorning my house. Happy first day of fall :)
- manda
Sep 21, 2011
William Wednesday
I've learned so much about William this week! The sum of all of it is that William has a lot more of me in him than I knew, and most of the traits that came out this week aren't my most admirable :)
We had a blast this week. Patty came to visit this weekend and to say William had a crush would be an understatement. He even developed a special face just for patty. She loved it, he knew it, and he milked it. Anytime I'd say 'William can you say patty?' he'd just tilt his head sideways and give her his special patty-look.
He also quickly learned how to get patty wrapped around his finger. Anytime he made a whimper she was there to give him whatever he needed. (ahem: wanted) all I can say is - patty, where are you now?!
Brian came up on Sunday for football and lawn mowing and he showed up just in time. William was having trouble being content with anything but once we opened the door and saw Katy barreling in and Brian a few steps behind, he was singing a new song. He loved cuddling with Brian on the couch and yelling 'go go go go go go'. That's his new cheer this week :)
But once patty and Brian were gone was when I began seeing myself in William. We both had a tough time saying bye to them and were both a little blue that evening. William has developed a little bit more separation anxiety lately which I hear comes as they near 2, and I knew that we had an empty calendar for the next few weeks so we both were sad to have an empty house.
Then Monday I saw William throw a fit of all fits. I could throw a fit in my heyday (not saying my heyday is over) and he rivaled me for sure. Everything was wrong. He was mad I got him out of bad. Irate at the thought that I'd think of changing his diaper. I picked bad clothes (he fittingly wanted his Oscar shirt) and the rest of our morning went that way too. Tuesday morning brought on a similar, though less severe, fit so I decided that he may be tired of rushing out the door first thing in the morning. So, always thinking, today I decided to change up our morning routine and I woke him up early to let him relax, watch an episode of some goofy kid show, and enjoy some eggs and sausage.
It made all the difference in the world.
I've had a few conversations with the owner of Goddard this week about a few small concerns I've had since miss Cassie left, and we also discussed william's upcoming transition to the hippo (2 yr old) room. I got nervous, anxious, upset - deja vu to his transition into zebras just 7 months ago. Then Brooke said something interesting. She said:
William builds such strong bonds with people and my staff just adores him to pieces. He has trouble sometimes with change and transition, so I've debated bumping his move to hippos up a few weeks to avoid a strong bond with our new zebra teacher. He's just such a lover, we all talk about it. We don't want to make it harder for him.
Well well well. My son not only throws fits, but he's resistant to change. Sounds a little familiar...
I wanted to know the opinion of someone who knows him on a higher level so last night I had a long conversation (2+ hours) with miss Cassie. We talked about lots but the main point was to get her take on some issues and on my conversation with Brooke. We got onto the topic of hitting and biting and other coping mechanisms and Cassie said, 'what I love most about William is how well he communicates. Some kids bite, some hit, some cry in the corner and some give up on what they want. Not William. He knows what he wants, he knows what he doesn't want, and he knows how to make sure to communicate that message.
Ok so fits, change averse, and strong willed and stubborn?
Yikes.
But a little self discovery wasn't all the fun of the week. We also had some other fun stories:
~be careful passing gas in front of him, especially if you're kneeling down. He will relentlessly try to check your diaper and repeatedly say poo poo. I'm not saying this happened to me, I'm just saying.
~ in the truck last night he warmed and broke my heart. He kept repeating 'dada home' as he looked at his picture
~ he carried a baby wipe around and wiped the noses of all of his elmo's, Layla, and Nancy. He tried Reagan but - well you know Reagan.
~ he and arianna kissed goodbye on the lips. That's all I'm gonna say about that.
~ he asks to talk to papa and yaya a lot, and tonight he had a lot of fun on FaceTime with them. He put on a little show
Austin's cousin Kelly sent William a new shirt and hat, and he sure loved the hat!
He's my little ham and when he smiles like that I barely even remember the morning's fits :) I look forward to learning more an more about the personality God gave him and learning how to be the best parent I can for him. A face like that deserves it!!!
- manda
We had a blast this week. Patty came to visit this weekend and to say William had a crush would be an understatement. He even developed a special face just for patty. She loved it, he knew it, and he milked it. Anytime I'd say 'William can you say patty?' he'd just tilt his head sideways and give her his special patty-look.
He also quickly learned how to get patty wrapped around his finger. Anytime he made a whimper she was there to give him whatever he needed. (ahem: wanted) all I can say is - patty, where are you now?!
Brian came up on Sunday for football and lawn mowing and he showed up just in time. William was having trouble being content with anything but once we opened the door and saw Katy barreling in and Brian a few steps behind, he was singing a new song. He loved cuddling with Brian on the couch and yelling 'go go go go go go'. That's his new cheer this week :)
But once patty and Brian were gone was when I began seeing myself in William. We both had a tough time saying bye to them and were both a little blue that evening. William has developed a little bit more separation anxiety lately which I hear comes as they near 2, and I knew that we had an empty calendar for the next few weeks so we both were sad to have an empty house.
Then Monday I saw William throw a fit of all fits. I could throw a fit in my heyday (not saying my heyday is over) and he rivaled me for sure. Everything was wrong. He was mad I got him out of bad. Irate at the thought that I'd think of changing his diaper. I picked bad clothes (he fittingly wanted his Oscar shirt) and the rest of our morning went that way too. Tuesday morning brought on a similar, though less severe, fit so I decided that he may be tired of rushing out the door first thing in the morning. So, always thinking, today I decided to change up our morning routine and I woke him up early to let him relax, watch an episode of some goofy kid show, and enjoy some eggs and sausage.
It made all the difference in the world.
I've had a few conversations with the owner of Goddard this week about a few small concerns I've had since miss Cassie left, and we also discussed william's upcoming transition to the hippo (2 yr old) room. I got nervous, anxious, upset - deja vu to his transition into zebras just 7 months ago. Then Brooke said something interesting. She said:
William builds such strong bonds with people and my staff just adores him to pieces. He has trouble sometimes with change and transition, so I've debated bumping his move to hippos up a few weeks to avoid a strong bond with our new zebra teacher. He's just such a lover, we all talk about it. We don't want to make it harder for him.
Well well well. My son not only throws fits, but he's resistant to change. Sounds a little familiar...
I wanted to know the opinion of someone who knows him on a higher level so last night I had a long conversation (2+ hours) with miss Cassie. We talked about lots but the main point was to get her take on some issues and on my conversation with Brooke. We got onto the topic of hitting and biting and other coping mechanisms and Cassie said, 'what I love most about William is how well he communicates. Some kids bite, some hit, some cry in the corner and some give up on what they want. Not William. He knows what he wants, he knows what he doesn't want, and he knows how to make sure to communicate that message.
Ok so fits, change averse, and strong willed and stubborn?
Yikes.
But a little self discovery wasn't all the fun of the week. We also had some other fun stories:
~be careful passing gas in front of him, especially if you're kneeling down. He will relentlessly try to check your diaper and repeatedly say poo poo. I'm not saying this happened to me, I'm just saying.
~ in the truck last night he warmed and broke my heart. He kept repeating 'dada home' as he looked at his picture
~ he carried a baby wipe around and wiped the noses of all of his elmo's, Layla, and Nancy. He tried Reagan but - well you know Reagan.
~ he and arianna kissed goodbye on the lips. That's all I'm gonna say about that.
~ he asks to talk to papa and yaya a lot, and tonight he had a lot of fun on FaceTime with them. He put on a little show
Austin's cousin Kelly sent William a new shirt and hat, and he sure loved the hat!
He's my little ham and when he smiles like that I barely even remember the morning's fits :) I look forward to learning more an more about the personality God gave him and learning how to be the best parent I can for him. A face like that deserves it!!!
- manda
Sep 19, 2011
We all fight different battles
I have always felt like trials are relative to the person who bears them. Someone may have carried a heavier load, but to the person with fewer burdens - theirs still seem just as heavy. Their vantage point is different and their struggle is hard too. I think this is why it always bothered me when people wouldn't share their troubles with me when my dad was sick and why it bothers me when people think they cant while Austin is gone either. Just because you THINK what I'm going through is harder than whatever is on your plate doesn't make your burdens any lighter for you to carry.
The bible tells us in Galatians to 'Bear one another's burdens, and therefore fulfill the law of Christ'. Big or small, harder or easier, He wants us to share with each other and lighten the load of those around us.
He does not tell us to compare though, and that's where I lost my focus today.
I am all for helping other people, trying my best to sympathize with them, and am always willing to lend a hand or an ear or a glass of wine. Whatever the situation warrants :) I do not aim to compare our lives and tally up which of us has it harder. But when someone looks at me and has the audacity to compare their situation to mine, I forget that I aim to sympathize. I forget that I want to lend an ear.
A coworker told me today that she understands what I'm going through with Austin's extension because today she found out her husband would have to stay on his business trip until Friday when he was supposed to be home tomorrow. He has been gone since friday, so it'll be a whole week before she sees him. As I ever so gently reminded her that 3 days does not equal one month, and that during these 3 days she will not give up what we will in the month of December, she tried to back track by saying she knows that a week isn't much but that in February she actually only got to see her husband for 2 days. I stared blankly at her face as she tried to recover again by saying, 'I know you've been doing it longer but I mean it's just really a pain to have to go let the dog out every day at lunch time and pick up all his extra duties like the trash and the dog'
Ok, first of all, I am not the one who wanted to compare. I didn't. But if she wants to, yeah I'd go head to head with her. Come on, an easy win. (prize being crappier situation, so a bittersweet win at that)
I think the first issue here is that we are comparing a business trip to a war. Austin is not on a business trip. He is not in Nebraska picking up scrap pieces from his companies latest project. He is not staying in the Marriott watching Monday night football in his hotel.
Second, one week and one month do not even come close to 6 or 9 or 12 months. I've never done 12 so I cant speak to that, and I thank god every day that he hasn't trusted me with a year long deployment. But I've spent a week with Austin working in California, I've spent 3 weeks with him in el paso, and I've spent 3 months with him in Arizona. I can attest to the fact that we aren't comparing apples to apples here. We aren't even comparing apples to oranges. We are comparing apples to cows floating in the Tigris river.
Third, one dog doesn't come close to one dog and two cats. Add a baby in there, and caring for that one dog is like having to endure washing your own wine glass after enjoying wine in your bubble bath.
So really, there is no comparison. I'm in a tornado while she has a box fan on high pointed straight at her face.
It's clear to me why Jesus wants us to BEAR one another's burdens rather than COMPARE to another's burdens. I just spent 15 minutes convincing myself of why I have it worse, and I am in no better place than I was before I started. What's more, she is still at her house struggling through loneliness of her own. So she doesn't know what it's like to go 6 months without her husband, should I hold that against her? So she's never had two dogs barking up a storm, a baby screaming and throwing toys over a baby gate while one cat pukes and the other self destructs. That doesn't mean she doesn't know hardship. It doesn't mean she doesn't know pain or loneliness, and it doesn't mean that her burdens are exempt from the instructions in Galatians. I just wish I'd had the courage and strength to respond in that manner earlier.
This is all a learning process, but by the end of it I think I will be a better person for having endured it. If nothing else, I hope to be able to have compassion for others regardless of their circumstances. Lord knows I have been blessed with the sympathy, compassion and love of others throughout my hardships and all I can do with that is offer it on to someone else.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
The bible tells us in Galatians to 'Bear one another's burdens, and therefore fulfill the law of Christ'. Big or small, harder or easier, He wants us to share with each other and lighten the load of those around us.
He does not tell us to compare though, and that's where I lost my focus today.
I am all for helping other people, trying my best to sympathize with them, and am always willing to lend a hand or an ear or a glass of wine. Whatever the situation warrants :) I do not aim to compare our lives and tally up which of us has it harder. But when someone looks at me and has the audacity to compare their situation to mine, I forget that I aim to sympathize. I forget that I want to lend an ear.
A coworker told me today that she understands what I'm going through with Austin's extension because today she found out her husband would have to stay on his business trip until Friday when he was supposed to be home tomorrow. He has been gone since friday, so it'll be a whole week before she sees him. As I ever so gently reminded her that 3 days does not equal one month, and that during these 3 days she will not give up what we will in the month of December, she tried to back track by saying she knows that a week isn't much but that in February she actually only got to see her husband for 2 days. I stared blankly at her face as she tried to recover again by saying, 'I know you've been doing it longer but I mean it's just really a pain to have to go let the dog out every day at lunch time and pick up all his extra duties like the trash and the dog'
Ok, first of all, I am not the one who wanted to compare. I didn't. But if she wants to, yeah I'd go head to head with her. Come on, an easy win. (prize being crappier situation, so a bittersweet win at that)
I think the first issue here is that we are comparing a business trip to a war. Austin is not on a business trip. He is not in Nebraska picking up scrap pieces from his companies latest project. He is not staying in the Marriott watching Monday night football in his hotel.
Second, one week and one month do not even come close to 6 or 9 or 12 months. I've never done 12 so I cant speak to that, and I thank god every day that he hasn't trusted me with a year long deployment. But I've spent a week with Austin working in California, I've spent 3 weeks with him in el paso, and I've spent 3 months with him in Arizona. I can attest to the fact that we aren't comparing apples to apples here. We aren't even comparing apples to oranges. We are comparing apples to cows floating in the Tigris river.
Third, one dog doesn't come close to one dog and two cats. Add a baby in there, and caring for that one dog is like having to endure washing your own wine glass after enjoying wine in your bubble bath.
So really, there is no comparison. I'm in a tornado while she has a box fan on high pointed straight at her face.
It's clear to me why Jesus wants us to BEAR one another's burdens rather than COMPARE to another's burdens. I just spent 15 minutes convincing myself of why I have it worse, and I am in no better place than I was before I started. What's more, she is still at her house struggling through loneliness of her own. So she doesn't know what it's like to go 6 months without her husband, should I hold that against her? So she's never had two dogs barking up a storm, a baby screaming and throwing toys over a baby gate while one cat pukes and the other self destructs. That doesn't mean she doesn't know hardship. It doesn't mean she doesn't know pain or loneliness, and it doesn't mean that her burdens are exempt from the instructions in Galatians. I just wish I'd had the courage and strength to respond in that manner earlier.
This is all a learning process, but by the end of it I think I will be a better person for having endured it. If nothing else, I hope to be able to have compassion for others regardless of their circumstances. Lord knows I have been blessed with the sympathy, compassion and love of others throughout my hardships and all I can do with that is offer it on to someone else.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Sep 15, 2011
Wednesday, thursday, what's the difference
He got to stay up late. He got to sleep in a big boy bed. He got to play at the park, eat chick fil a, have quesadilla for dinner. He got to yell and scream and climb furniture. He had no rules.
That is to say - William had his first sleepover without mommy at his fun uncle brian's house. Uncle brian's house where there are no rules, no bedtimes, no poopy diapers...
Oops, broke that last one.
This weekend I had a wedding to attend in golden and a few friends flew in for it, so saturday morning bright and early William and I headed down to Colorado springs to drop him off. Immediately he and Brian started playing their couch game as I tried diligently to explain where his diapers were, his bath stuff, extra clothes in case he got dirty, instructions...
My words were lost. Who needs instructions for fun play time? Silly mommy.
That was by far the highlight of william's week! Sunday Brian brought him home in time for all of us to watch the texans game (and tell go texans go!) William smiled when he saw me, but that was about it. He was perfectly happy with uncle Brian, I was there or not- didn't matter.
Don't misunderstand my humor there - my feelings aren't hurt that I was expendable. I'm william's mommy, I know that. And no amount of fun or freedom in the world will ever change that. Or the fact that he needs mommy sometimes. But I love that he has such a great connection with his uncle and that he has family so close by.
The rest of the week has been Pretty normal. I've worked a little late every night so miss Kim has taken William home with her until I can make it there. We've still been home in time for bath so it isn't crazy crazy hours, but it does mean I have no fun stories or pictures.
Kim did comment yesterday on his speech and communication. She said she can't believe how well he communicates and how much his vocabulary has grown in the past month. It's just so crazy how fast it's happened!!! He was slightly behind on his speech - not to a concerning level yet, but just not quite as up to speed as others his age. Then in a matter of weeks he surpassed some of his little friends!!!
One of his favorite ways to build his vocabulary is with a sesame street book miss jan gave him. It came from the $1 bins at target (best marketing scheme EVER!) and it's the simplest book. It is called 'murray's book of words' and literally the premise of the book is to flip the page and identify items. I thought he'd find it boring with no story line, but I guess I'll leave the child psychology and development to the experts. He loves it! 4 weeks ago the only word he knew in the book was Elmo. Now he points out:
Cat
Bike
Door
Abbey
Zoe
Oscar
Ernie
Bert
Big bird
Water
Pool
Chair
Table
Snack
Flower
Sun
Pretty soon he'll know all the labeled words and he'll start identifying new things on his own. I love having him read the book to me, nice change of pace and it's too precious how proud he is to be able to read it just like mommy. (and daddy and Corinne and cici and Brian and everyone else who has been suckered into murray's vortex)
Oh, and yesterday he learned 'jacket' and therefore wants to wear it all the time. Even in his 69 degree bedroom. Jacket? Jacket? Jacket? Hmm, maybe I need to invest in a lighter weight one...Because this was the crying face I got when I took the jacket off!
I am looking forward to getting back to our normal schedule this week so I can take pictures and tell more fun stories :)
- manda
That is to say - William had his first sleepover without mommy at his fun uncle brian's house. Uncle brian's house where there are no rules, no bedtimes, no poopy diapers...
Oops, broke that last one.
This weekend I had a wedding to attend in golden and a few friends flew in for it, so saturday morning bright and early William and I headed down to Colorado springs to drop him off. Immediately he and Brian started playing their couch game as I tried diligently to explain where his diapers were, his bath stuff, extra clothes in case he got dirty, instructions...
My words were lost. Who needs instructions for fun play time? Silly mommy.
That was by far the highlight of william's week! Sunday Brian brought him home in time for all of us to watch the texans game (and tell go texans go!) William smiled when he saw me, but that was about it. He was perfectly happy with uncle Brian, I was there or not- didn't matter.
Don't misunderstand my humor there - my feelings aren't hurt that I was expendable. I'm william's mommy, I know that. And no amount of fun or freedom in the world will ever change that. Or the fact that he needs mommy sometimes. But I love that he has such a great connection with his uncle and that he has family so close by.
The rest of the week has been Pretty normal. I've worked a little late every night so miss Kim has taken William home with her until I can make it there. We've still been home in time for bath so it isn't crazy crazy hours, but it does mean I have no fun stories or pictures.
Kim did comment yesterday on his speech and communication. She said she can't believe how well he communicates and how much his vocabulary has grown in the past month. It's just so crazy how fast it's happened!!! He was slightly behind on his speech - not to a concerning level yet, but just not quite as up to speed as others his age. Then in a matter of weeks he surpassed some of his little friends!!!
One of his favorite ways to build his vocabulary is with a sesame street book miss jan gave him. It came from the $1 bins at target (best marketing scheme EVER!) and it's the simplest book. It is called 'murray's book of words' and literally the premise of the book is to flip the page and identify items. I thought he'd find it boring with no story line, but I guess I'll leave the child psychology and development to the experts. He loves it! 4 weeks ago the only word he knew in the book was Elmo. Now he points out:
Cat
Bike
Door
Abbey
Zoe
Oscar
Ernie
Bert
Big bird
Water
Pool
Chair
Table
Snack
Flower
Sun
Pretty soon he'll know all the labeled words and he'll start identifying new things on his own. I love having him read the book to me, nice change of pace and it's too precious how proud he is to be able to read it just like mommy. (and daddy and Corinne and cici and Brian and everyone else who has been suckered into murray's vortex)
Oh, and yesterday he learned 'jacket' and therefore wants to wear it all the time. Even in his 69 degree bedroom. Jacket? Jacket? Jacket? Hmm, maybe I need to invest in a lighter weight one...Because this was the crying face I got when I took the jacket off!
I am looking forward to getting back to our normal schedule this week so I can take pictures and tell more fun stories :)
- manda
Sep 14, 2011
Am I the only one?
**due to time constraints WW will be posted tomorrow**
Today at work we were discussing the weather change when one of my coworkers griped about how her husband is so horrible at dressing their child. They have a daughter 3 months older than William. Another coworker chimed in that her husband is also, and they don't see how their husbands can squeeze the kids into clothes 3 sizes too small, or think it's ok for their shirts to hang to their knees because they are so big.
They looked at me and asked if Austin is as bad at dressing William.
My response: I'm still stuck on where your husbands find these clothes that don't fit? Why don't they just grab clothes from the closet?
So apparently of the 5 parents at the table, I am the only one who does a complete closet overhaul every-time my child outgrows his clothes.
Is that normal?
I have an old diaper box at the bottom of the closet and as clothes are too small I drop them in there. Once it is clear that it isn't just two or three items that were just small for the size, and that he in fact has outgrown a size, I go through and pull out anything else that size. Unless of course it seems to run big. Then sometime in the near future I box it up and put it in the crawl space.
Am I the only one who abides by this system? I never think I do things weird until a table full of people stare at me like I'm a Martian.
But hey, at least my kid isn't wearing last year's winter coat today, with sleeves that stop at his elbows. Obsessions come in handy.
- manda
Today at work we were discussing the weather change when one of my coworkers griped about how her husband is so horrible at dressing their child. They have a daughter 3 months older than William. Another coworker chimed in that her husband is also, and they don't see how their husbands can squeeze the kids into clothes 3 sizes too small, or think it's ok for their shirts to hang to their knees because they are so big.
They looked at me and asked if Austin is as bad at dressing William.
My response: I'm still stuck on where your husbands find these clothes that don't fit? Why don't they just grab clothes from the closet?
So apparently of the 5 parents at the table, I am the only one who does a complete closet overhaul every-time my child outgrows his clothes.
Is that normal?
I have an old diaper box at the bottom of the closet and as clothes are too small I drop them in there. Once it is clear that it isn't just two or three items that were just small for the size, and that he in fact has outgrown a size, I go through and pull out anything else that size. Unless of course it seems to run big. Then sometime in the near future I box it up and put it in the crawl space.
Am I the only one who abides by this system? I never think I do things weird until a table full of people stare at me like I'm a Martian.
But hey, at least my kid isn't wearing last year's winter coat today, with sleeves that stop at his elbows. Obsessions come in handy.
- manda
Sep 13, 2011
Love more each day
On Saturday before we left for jodi's wedding I quickly wrote in her card:
Congratulations! We are so excited for you and excited to share in your special day. Always remember to love each other more every day and you will have a richly blessed marriage.
It was almost like I had coordinated with the pastor!
The wedding was beautiful. It had a small, close knit feeling and was nestled up in the mountains. Beautiful!
The bride was exquisite. Which is just as one would expect from her. Her dress was one of the most striking I've ever seen and it looked like it was made for her body, the colors made for her hair and skin, and she looked more beautiful than a beauty queen.
The pastor gave the most touching wedding message that I've ever heard I think. He spoke of the 3 kinds of love in the bible: the feeling, the Romantic love, and agape(the deepest love). He focused on agape, explaining how love is a choice. By exchanging vows you are choosing to love each other forever, even when the other two loves may be missing. You may not feel love sometimes, you may not connect romantically sometimes, but you must always choose love. In all your decisions, every day. Then in their vows the final line wad 'I will love you more each day than the day before.' This is only possible by choosing love.
As wonderful as all of that was, what really made the day for me was the groom. Of all the weddings I've attended or been a part of, I probably know Ben the least on a personal level. But I was deeply touched when I saw him give his vows to Jodi. Truly, I've never seen a groom with more emotion and sincerity than he had. He was EXCITED to be making these promises to her and everyone in the vicinity could feel the power with which he meant his words. I may not know him as well as I've known other grooms, but if I had to place money on which groom could withstand the trials of marriage he'd have my bet.
And I couldn't be more thrilled that my friend Jodi has found someone who loves her that much.
Congrats mr and mrs pappas!
- manda
Congratulations! We are so excited for you and excited to share in your special day. Always remember to love each other more every day and you will have a richly blessed marriage.
It was almost like I had coordinated with the pastor!
The wedding was beautiful. It had a small, close knit feeling and was nestled up in the mountains. Beautiful!
The bride was exquisite. Which is just as one would expect from her. Her dress was one of the most striking I've ever seen and it looked like it was made for her body, the colors made for her hair and skin, and she looked more beautiful than a beauty queen.
The pastor gave the most touching wedding message that I've ever heard I think. He spoke of the 3 kinds of love in the bible: the feeling, the Romantic love, and agape(the deepest love). He focused on agape, explaining how love is a choice. By exchanging vows you are choosing to love each other forever, even when the other two loves may be missing. You may not feel love sometimes, you may not connect romantically sometimes, but you must always choose love. In all your decisions, every day. Then in their vows the final line wad 'I will love you more each day than the day before.' This is only possible by choosing love.
As wonderful as all of that was, what really made the day for me was the groom. Of all the weddings I've attended or been a part of, I probably know Ben the least on a personal level. But I was deeply touched when I saw him give his vows to Jodi. Truly, I've never seen a groom with more emotion and sincerity than he had. He was EXCITED to be making these promises to her and everyone in the vicinity could feel the power with which he meant his words. I may not know him as well as I've known other grooms, but if I had to place money on which groom could withstand the trials of marriage he'd have my bet.
And I couldn't be more thrilled that my friend Jodi has found someone who loves her that much.
Congrats mr and mrs pappas!
- manda
Sep 11, 2011
Faith deployed
Has God ever placed something good in your lap, yet you instantly knew it was a tool you were going to need for some unknown reason? And you figured you'd rather give back this gift than see why he chose to give it to you? That happened to me last week.
I stumbled across a new book on Tuesday called Faith Deployed. It is a collection of stories written by 15 military spouses about the struggles of military life and how to use your faith to help you flourish. The moment I started reading I feared that this book, which has been around for years, was purposely revealed to me at that time. I didn't know why, but I assumed I wouldn't like the reason.
Assumption proven true.
If I'm being completely open and honest, this transition back into deployment hasn't been the smoothest. I haven't been crying in my cereal or wearing mismatched shoes, I just haven't felt normal or in the drivers seat. I felt like I couldn't get a grasp on what my routine had been for the last 6 months, much less how to get it back. I was hopeful that once I got back to work on tuesday it would all start to settle in.
I think it would have had I not soon found out that Austin's group would be extended for 3-4 weeks. He was supposed to be home Dec 1, and you Better believe I was counting down before he even left. His new date is Dec 26.
I could go into the reasons according to his unit. I could go into the reasons according to me. But the why's aren't all that important here.
I know that some families endure far more than 10 months of separation, and I know that some families endure extensions of 3+ months. So I won't pretend for one minute that I have it worse than anyone in the history of this painful war. I don't.
But the fact is that extensions, long or short, allow the army to take what you thought was yours. If I had been told last fall that his deployment would be feb 18-January 15, I would have been expecting this all along and planning accordingly. I would have already figured out what to do for a 'family' Christmas card. I would have already made arrangements for how to spend Christmas apart. I would have planned Jamaica accordingly and my sails would still be flying high at full speed.
But I already gave the army what they asked for. I already surrendered 9 months of deployment and 3 months of training and what was to come after December 1 was supposed to be mine. My calendar. My schedule. My control.
Extensions take away all of that.
I know that 26 days isn't very long, and when you consider that we were supposed to be apart 290 days, changing it to 316 isn't that much of a difference. It's just that I feel like I had perfectly allocated my Rosie ways to last 290 days. I already allotted my strength and endurance. Don't tell me at mile 20 that a marathon is actually 30 miles instead of 26. Tell me from the start.
And while 26 days isn't a lot, these 26 days are. It's our anniversary. Christmas. Our trip to Jamaica. Our family hunting trip. Our year-end-blowout vehicle purchase. There were a lot of plans crammed into the last month of 2011 that unfortunately don't just easily slide to January 2012. My work schedule just doesn't allow it to work that way, car dealerships don't work that way, and deer hunting doesn't work that way.
The army took my control when I thought I was just a few paces away.
But Gods little gift has reminded me that I don't have that control even when I think I do. His gift reminded me that I am in charge of building my family's attitude toward the army and toward our life's choice. My attitude will be absorbed and mimicked by William and any future sibling/s. I used to be able to say that I didn't choose the army, I chose Austin. But when I agreed to 5 more years, this time I did choose it. And my new book is helping me see (or diligently trying) that I need to remember I made this choice for a reason. God gave my life this plan for a reason. And our time together as a family is not ours, it is His.
I'm not saying I'm over it. I'm not saying I quit pointing the blame or that my thoughts of kicking certain people in certain bodily regions have subsided. But I will take the tool that God has given me and see where it leads. It's not guaranteed to make this any easier or make me any more of a pro. But when has deploying your faith ever done harm? So here we go.
106 days. A little bit of deja vu, but almost down to double digits.
- manda
I stumbled across a new book on Tuesday called Faith Deployed. It is a collection of stories written by 15 military spouses about the struggles of military life and how to use your faith to help you flourish. The moment I started reading I feared that this book, which has been around for years, was purposely revealed to me at that time. I didn't know why, but I assumed I wouldn't like the reason.
Assumption proven true.
If I'm being completely open and honest, this transition back into deployment hasn't been the smoothest. I haven't been crying in my cereal or wearing mismatched shoes, I just haven't felt normal or in the drivers seat. I felt like I couldn't get a grasp on what my routine had been for the last 6 months, much less how to get it back. I was hopeful that once I got back to work on tuesday it would all start to settle in.
I think it would have had I not soon found out that Austin's group would be extended for 3-4 weeks. He was supposed to be home Dec 1, and you Better believe I was counting down before he even left. His new date is Dec 26.
I could go into the reasons according to his unit. I could go into the reasons according to me. But the why's aren't all that important here.
I know that some families endure far more than 10 months of separation, and I know that some families endure extensions of 3+ months. So I won't pretend for one minute that I have it worse than anyone in the history of this painful war. I don't.
But the fact is that extensions, long or short, allow the army to take what you thought was yours. If I had been told last fall that his deployment would be feb 18-January 15, I would have been expecting this all along and planning accordingly. I would have already figured out what to do for a 'family' Christmas card. I would have already made arrangements for how to spend Christmas apart. I would have planned Jamaica accordingly and my sails would still be flying high at full speed.
But I already gave the army what they asked for. I already surrendered 9 months of deployment and 3 months of training and what was to come after December 1 was supposed to be mine. My calendar. My schedule. My control.
Extensions take away all of that.
I know that 26 days isn't very long, and when you consider that we were supposed to be apart 290 days, changing it to 316 isn't that much of a difference. It's just that I feel like I had perfectly allocated my Rosie ways to last 290 days. I already allotted my strength and endurance. Don't tell me at mile 20 that a marathon is actually 30 miles instead of 26. Tell me from the start.
And while 26 days isn't a lot, these 26 days are. It's our anniversary. Christmas. Our trip to Jamaica. Our family hunting trip. Our year-end-blowout vehicle purchase. There were a lot of plans crammed into the last month of 2011 that unfortunately don't just easily slide to January 2012. My work schedule just doesn't allow it to work that way, car dealerships don't work that way, and deer hunting doesn't work that way.
The army took my control when I thought I was just a few paces away.
But Gods little gift has reminded me that I don't have that control even when I think I do. His gift reminded me that I am in charge of building my family's attitude toward the army and toward our life's choice. My attitude will be absorbed and mimicked by William and any future sibling/s. I used to be able to say that I didn't choose the army, I chose Austin. But when I agreed to 5 more years, this time I did choose it. And my new book is helping me see (or diligently trying) that I need to remember I made this choice for a reason. God gave my life this plan for a reason. And our time together as a family is not ours, it is His.
I'm not saying I'm over it. I'm not saying I quit pointing the blame or that my thoughts of kicking certain people in certain bodily regions have subsided. But I will take the tool that God has given me and see where it leads. It's not guaranteed to make this any easier or make me any more of a pro. But when has deploying your faith ever done harm? So here we go.
106 days. A little bit of deja vu, but almost down to double digits.
- manda
Sep 7, 2011
William wednesday
Forgive me, I'm having a little bit of trouble getting in the blogging groove today.
I can't believe just one week ago when I wrote William Wednesday he had spent all week with daddy. Feels like ages ago.
Friday when it was time to take Austin to the airport we decided to drop William off with a friend. He was preoccupied with a basement full of toys while we snuck out. He would have thrown a fit if he had to watch daddy get on the airplane and there was only room for one fit-throwing person in the airport that day. When I got back to our friend's house I found that William had been a doll, playing and laughing and eating all morning. And as if he knew my heart was heavy, he behaved that way all day! We played at the park, ran errands, took a nap, went grocery shopping, and he was an angel for all of it.
He did try to mail himself to daddy though as I was filling out customs forms
Saturday after a long overdue haircut
We went to uncle brian's house. Within minutes of arriving he ran straight to brian's room and repeatedly asked for help getting on the bed
Brian says William thinks he has the most fun bed in the history of the world!
We spent the night Saturday and woke up Sunday to go to Cheyenne mountain zoo. I had heard so many great things about it and with weather quickly changing I figured we needed to go before it got cold. Errr, colder. Good thing one of the 4 of us had a sweatshirt!
We had a fun time and we left just in time to avoid the crowds :) William seemed to really enjoy some animals and hardly notice others, but his favorite part was when uncle Brian pushed his wagon. Magic speed bumps popped up all over the place!!! They are two peas in a pod
Since Austin left William has definitely been more attached to daddy doll
He goes everywhere! So I made him a daddy book too, which he loves reading
Monday we enjoyed labor day by working on pages for daddy's scrapbook (William was a great help), playing in the wawee in the backyard, and having lots of good Elmo time. Is there any better way to spend a holiday?
- manda
Sep 6, 2011
I thought I could love strong enough
I know how stupid this is going to sound. So stupid that I wasn’t sure I even wanted to admit it.
Tonight Brian and I are going to see Zac Brown Band at Red Rocks Amphitheatre. I went last year with kaila, dusti, steff and tiff (and a few thousand more) and it was by far the absolute best concert I’ve ever been to. They are such incredibly talented musicians and they just blew me away with their talent. Add to that the magnificent view and surroundings of red rocks outdoor amphitheatre where you stand in the middle of beautiful natural red rock formations overlooking Denver, and it was just out of this world. The only thing that could have possibly made it better would have been if William wasn’t at home with a fever and, therefore, Austin was there with me.
When Brian and I heard they were coming back this year we got people on board with trying to buy us tickets and Dusti scored 4 tickets for us. It took 4 people trying just to get one person through on ticketmaster – they sold out in less than 5 minutes! We didn’t have 2 more people but figured we’d find 2 more or sell them on craigslist. A few weeks ago Brian met a girl who he’s dating now so he invited her, and I said “ok I’ll try to find a 4th”. I knew the perfect person to ask was Scott because I know he likes ZBB, but I stalled. Brian kept asking if I’d found anyone but I kept saying “not yet, I will though”. Why didn’t I just ask? I knew he’d want to go, I knew that’s who I’d ask, so why not just offer the ticket? I saw him twice while Austin was on R&R and we texted a few times planning those 2 occasions, so I had every opportunity. I finally did ask yesterday and he said yes, but I thought all night about what the hold up was.
And I figured it out.
As the end of R&R neared I found myself holding Austin tighter and tighter as I hugged him. I imagined getting a magical phone call that his deployment was cancelled, everyone was coming home, and he didn’t need to go back. I pictured him coming to ZBB with us. And I think in my wildest dreams I believed that if I held on tight enough and loved strong enough, it’d come true. Love conquers all right? It can conquer this can’t it?
The answer is yes and no. Love can conquer this. Love will conquer this. But not in the fairy tale way that I hoped it would. He did have to go back and we do have to endure a few more months. I don’t get to have him by my side as Zac Brown sings about our toes being in the water and the tide reaching our chairs. Love will carry us through, along with Jesus and lots and lots of support from friends. But I guess Austin will miss the second annual Zac Brown concert as planned. Better luck next year.
Not me though, add him to the list of things that are going to fill up my last 90ish days!!! It could be worse, that’s for sure
- manda
Sep 3, 2011
God has a sense of humor
There's a notion among army wives that 'if it can break when he's gone, it will. And probably right after he leaves'. This was true in February as my trailblazer battery, sprinkler, garage door and refrigerator all decided to screw with me within weeks of him leaving. And now it's true again.
I ran over something and popped a tire in the truck today. I'm pretty sure god was laughing a little, but not me. As I slowly turned into my neighborhood and slowed the truck to a stop all I was thinking was about how much I hate car maintenance ESPECIALLY tires. I've blogged about it before, actually, that's how much I hate it. I blogged about it 30,000 miles ago when I griped about spending $800 on new tires that would last 60,000 miles. I want my money's worth.
Being Rosie and knowing that I've changed 3 flat tires by myself in the past (I am woman hear me roar) I decided to quit crying and figure it out. Well, ok I didn't DECIDE that because really I wanted to call President Obama and let him know that if he had kept his promise about this damn war my husband would be here to change the tire. Therefore it only makes logical sense that it would be on Obama's shoulders. But, I left his phone number at home. Oops. So then I wanted to abandon the truck. Who needs it anyway? Except I don't have my super cool new car yet, dammit. THEN I contemplated laying in the road kicking and screaming. But the gravel isn't smooth so I realized that'd just be uncomfortable.
All out of better ideas, putting on my Rosie bandana, flexing my biceps and figuring it out was really just a decision by default. In any case that's what I set out to do.
Brian told me I'd find the parts under the back seat or under the hood. Easiest spot to look: under the side of the back seat that doesn't hold william's seat. Lo and behold, I find the jack-crank-wrench-thingy. There was a big sign that called it that, actually. But no jack. Look under the hood, no jack. Well hot dog, of course I'd need to remove the car seat. Why wouldn't I? So there I see it, the jack. Except it may as well have been a mirage in the desert because it is bolted in the truck. Or something. As I resort to yanking on it, cursing at it and crying a nice man stops an asks if I'm ok. I look up and I'm not sure what(ahem: red splotchy eyes) gave him the clue that I wasn't, but I didn't even have to answer. I was slightly consoled when he admitted he couldn't figure out the jack either so he got his.
He worked on the flat as I read the instructions on the spare. In the 3 previous vehicles I worked on, removing the spare was the easy part. This time was different and again I wanted to lay in the road and scream. So I did.
The man helping me (which by the way, he was roughly my age so I feel very odd calling him a man because I don't feel that old) looked at me very funny, but the screaming must have worked because I got it.
So just a few F bombs, alternative words for 'poop', and tears later the truck is now sitting on it's spare tire. And as William is napping I'm writing and trying to find the lesson that our humorous God was offering.
Was he reminding me that Austin and I need to be better about making sure I know how to handle all of these things? Nah. Surely God lives on the notion that there are always good Samaritans.
Was he showing me that even though I miss Austin and feel half empty, I will be ok? No, that'd just be cruel. That's a lesson time alone could teach.
Was he showing me that our tire pressure sensors need to be changed? the truck told me the front left PSI Was at 5 while the rear was at 34...while the rear wheel was practically on the ground. Ok, the sensors are backwards. But that's kind of a pointless lesson. I mean I think I was doing fine before.
Was he reminding me that Obama lies and should never be voted for again?
Yup. Surely that's the lesson here. Because if hurricanes can be George Bush's then dammit my flat tire is Obama's. The only way he could change this assumption would be if he single handedly made Austin walk through my front door right now.
Well, i guess all I can hope now is that God's sense of humor caused a patchable hole on my tire, because I would really like to see it go a full 60,000 miles.
P.s. Austin did not walk through the front door, so please see previous statement about voting for obama.
- manda
I ran over something and popped a tire in the truck today. I'm pretty sure god was laughing a little, but not me. As I slowly turned into my neighborhood and slowed the truck to a stop all I was thinking was about how much I hate car maintenance ESPECIALLY tires. I've blogged about it before, actually, that's how much I hate it. I blogged about it 30,000 miles ago when I griped about spending $800 on new tires that would last 60,000 miles. I want my money's worth.
Being Rosie and knowing that I've changed 3 flat tires by myself in the past (I am woman hear me roar) I decided to quit crying and figure it out. Well, ok I didn't DECIDE that because really I wanted to call President Obama and let him know that if he had kept his promise about this damn war my husband would be here to change the tire. Therefore it only makes logical sense that it would be on Obama's shoulders. But, I left his phone number at home. Oops. So then I wanted to abandon the truck. Who needs it anyway? Except I don't have my super cool new car yet, dammit. THEN I contemplated laying in the road kicking and screaming. But the gravel isn't smooth so I realized that'd just be uncomfortable.
All out of better ideas, putting on my Rosie bandana, flexing my biceps and figuring it out was really just a decision by default. In any case that's what I set out to do.
Brian told me I'd find the parts under the back seat or under the hood. Easiest spot to look: under the side of the back seat that doesn't hold william's seat. Lo and behold, I find the jack-crank-wrench-thingy. There was a big sign that called it that, actually. But no jack. Look under the hood, no jack. Well hot dog, of course I'd need to remove the car seat. Why wouldn't I? So there I see it, the jack. Except it may as well have been a mirage in the desert because it is bolted in the truck. Or something. As I resort to yanking on it, cursing at it and crying a nice man stops an asks if I'm ok. I look up and I'm not sure what(ahem: red splotchy eyes) gave him the clue that I wasn't, but I didn't even have to answer. I was slightly consoled when he admitted he couldn't figure out the jack either so he got his.
He worked on the flat as I read the instructions on the spare. In the 3 previous vehicles I worked on, removing the spare was the easy part. This time was different and again I wanted to lay in the road and scream. So I did.
The man helping me (which by the way, he was roughly my age so I feel very odd calling him a man because I don't feel that old) looked at me very funny, but the screaming must have worked because I got it.
So just a few F bombs, alternative words for 'poop', and tears later the truck is now sitting on it's spare tire. And as William is napping I'm writing and trying to find the lesson that our humorous God was offering.
Was he reminding me that Austin and I need to be better about making sure I know how to handle all of these things? Nah. Surely God lives on the notion that there are always good Samaritans.
Was he showing me that even though I miss Austin and feel half empty, I will be ok? No, that'd just be cruel. That's a lesson time alone could teach.
Was he showing me that our tire pressure sensors need to be changed? the truck told me the front left PSI Was at 5 while the rear was at 34...while the rear wheel was practically on the ground. Ok, the sensors are backwards. But that's kind of a pointless lesson. I mean I think I was doing fine before.
Was he reminding me that Obama lies and should never be voted for again?
Yup. Surely that's the lesson here. Because if hurricanes can be George Bush's then dammit my flat tire is Obama's. The only way he could change this assumption would be if he single handedly made Austin walk through my front door right now.
Well, i guess all I can hope now is that God's sense of humor caused a patchable hole on my tire, because I would really like to see it go a full 60,000 miles.
P.s. Austin did not walk through the front door, so please see previous statement about voting for obama.
- manda
Sep 2, 2011
Rejuvenation
Last month I wrote about R&R, why soldiers get it, what it means, etc. Austin corrected me and told me it doesn't stand for rest and relaxation like I had written, the second R is for rejuvenation.
Rejuvenation.
Webster says this means:
1 a : to make young or youthful again : give new vigor to b : to restore to an original or new state
2 a : to stimulate (a stream) to renewed erosive activity especially by uplift
I think relaxation fit better. I do not feel rejuvenated. I do not feel like I was restored to my original state.
I have said countless times that my mind made me forget how hard separation was, and I've wondered if it's some sort of coping mechanism. But that was when years stood in between the separations. When it's just been 2 weeks it's too fresh to forget, and it makes going back to it that much harder.
3 months is so short, I know that. 3 months is that summer vacation that flew by every year. 3 months is the last trimester of pregnancy that ends in the blink of an eye. 3 months is only half of what we've already done. I know it's nothing. And with Jodi's wedding, Zac Brown Band concert, Patty's visit, Thomas the Train in town, and my sweet little busy bear I know September will be over as fast as it started. October is sure to fill up like all the previous months have, and November will be a blur between getting ready to meet my niece, the holidays, and getting ready for daddy to come home. I know this. I KNOW this. And yet still 3 months seems like an eternity right now.
I don't feel rejuvenated. But I'm able. It's time to hang daddy's keys back on the key hook, put his clothes back in the drawer, and get ready for the blessing of 3 months of bonding time for me and my bear. I'm not ready, and I'm not happy about it, but I'm able. And the bonding starts right now at monkey bizness.
- manda
Rejuvenation.
Webster says this means:
1 a : to make young or youthful again : give new vigor to b : to restore to an original or new state
2 a : to stimulate (a stream) to renewed erosive activity especially by uplift
I think relaxation fit better. I do not feel rejuvenated. I do not feel like I was restored to my original state.
I have said countless times that my mind made me forget how hard separation was, and I've wondered if it's some sort of coping mechanism. But that was when years stood in between the separations. When it's just been 2 weeks it's too fresh to forget, and it makes going back to it that much harder.
3 months is so short, I know that. 3 months is that summer vacation that flew by every year. 3 months is the last trimester of pregnancy that ends in the blink of an eye. 3 months is only half of what we've already done. I know it's nothing. And with Jodi's wedding, Zac Brown Band concert, Patty's visit, Thomas the Train in town, and my sweet little busy bear I know September will be over as fast as it started. October is sure to fill up like all the previous months have, and November will be a blur between getting ready to meet my niece, the holidays, and getting ready for daddy to come home. I know this. I KNOW this. And yet still 3 months seems like an eternity right now.
I don't feel rejuvenated. But I'm able. It's time to hang daddy's keys back on the key hook, put his clothes back in the drawer, and get ready for the blessing of 3 months of bonding time for me and my bear. I'm not ready, and I'm not happy about it, but I'm able. And the bonding starts right now at monkey bizness.
- manda
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