Goodbye February

The end of a month is such a nice milestone during a deployment. At least it is for me. It's funny, I really don't remember much about last time but I do remember being extremely excited to flip that page on the calendar and know another month was down.

Austin just left on Friday, but because that sounds depressing to think I'm only 4 days in, I like to think that he left November 29 when training started. Looking at it that way we are 3 months in, and 25% done. Sorry, I can't help but convert to percentages. It's who I am.

So, I will happily flip all of my calendars at the end of today (please don't make me admit how many I have) and look at March with optimism. 2011 hasn't been too terribly fun so far, but I think things are on the up and up. The person I mentioned with cancer will begin treatments soon, things look hopeful in that area. I got an unexpected bonus at work. The fitness schedule was renewed and has been confirmed so I won't in fact turn into a fat blob while Austin is away. And most of all, the final goodbye has been said which means all that we have left is to plan for the welcome home.

I've learned that there is a difference in joyfulness and happiness. I combined a sermon from church, some other tidbits I've been told, and personal experiences to get to this conclusion. Life is full of happy times, but life is also full of sad times. You can't mistake the two. The trick, I think, is to remain joyful and hopeful in the sad times. I don't have to be happy for the next 9 months, and I don't have to try to fake it when I'm not. But I can be hopeful and I can certainly be joyful in the fact that I have such an incredible man who is fighting for our freedom and will do everything in his power to come home to me in 9 short months.

9 months - think how fast William got here? 9 months is nothin. So I think with our sad goodbye, 2011 started looking up. With my special phone call yesterday, I already know it has. And I am extremely hopeful that it will continue in that direction

Vantage Points

Two nights before Austin left we went to a pre-deployment meetings for spouses. All in all I was pretty pleased with the meeting; there were lots of people there with lots of information for spouses on how to handle things, services available, etc. There were things about the meeting that I felt could have been handled better, but seeing as during Austin's last deployment I don't think anyone even knew he HAD a wife...there's been much improvement for sure.

When I arrived at the meeting the chaplain approached me and asked how I was doing. I first met him at the marriage retreat in August, and he was just commenting on how much William has grown. We were making small talk and he said, 'Have you guys been through a deployment before?' I told him that this would be Austin's third and that during each we have been in different stages. I explained that we were dating during the first, newlyweds during the second, and now married with a baby for the third. He said he thought I had an interesting perspective having been in such different situations, and asked which I thought was the hardest. I said "I don't know, they all have their different struggles". I hadn't ever thought much about it, but he was right. Each deployment for us has been very different simply based on the life-situations we were in. I have thought more about it since then, but I'm still not sure if I know which one is the hardest. They are just different.

During the first deployment I dealt with the least amount of deployment-related stress, that's for sure. We were just dating; we both had our separate lives outside of our new relationship. I had my college home, my college friends, my college life. So although I worried for his safety and I was stressed about those aspects of the war, my life wasn't intertwined with the Army in that way yet. Should something tragic have happened to Austin in Iraq not a lot would have changed in my day to day life. I would have kept living where I lived, working where I worked, and spending time with the same people day in and day out. I would grieve a loss, but my life would remain mostly in tact.

The hardest struggle, though, was the unknown. I had no idea what to expect once he got home. Did we have a real relationship? Were we both caught in the illusion and the romance of war, soon to find that there was no bond? Did he view our relationship under a different light than I did? Was I just filling a man's need to be needed and missed back home? Would things crumble once he came home? I spent nearly that entire year devoted to checking emails, mailing cookies, chatting online at 3am...was it going to be for nothing? Maybe. I had no way to know but stick it out and hope that it wasn't all just done for the sake of supporting some lonely soldier overseas.

I know that doesn't sound like much, but it was. To be dedicated and loyal and to spend my time supporting him was a huge sacrifice for a college girl in a new relationship. And the last thing I wanted to look like was a fool. I didn't, though. He came home and our relationship flourished. I soon learned that yes, he did view it under a different light but the light was much brighter and stronger in his eyes. Which led us into deployment number two.

Austin's second deployment to Iraq was very different for both of us. Neither of us knew what to expect going into it. Sure, we'd experienced it once before but we were barely dating back then. The level of commitment and love was so shallow at that point, we had no clue what it would be like to be apart from the person that we had just vowed to spend our lives with. The concern over what our relationship would be upon his return was replaced with an overwhelming fear of losing him. How could I lose the man that I just stood in front of God and our families and pledged to love forever? I know I said "til death do us part" but how could that possibly come so soon? That would be so unfair. It'd just be wrong! How do I even begin to start a marriage and a life together when we aren't even together? The free side of dating was that I didn't have his bills or his house or his anything to take care of. I just had to live my life and hope that one day he could be a daily part of it. It was so different the second time around.

But, there was comfort in knowing that once this nightmare was over he'd be home with me. We'd reunite back in our home and we'd spend our lives together. I didn't worry that he would come home and I'd find he had other girlfriends or that he'd just needed a shoulder to lean on through cyberspace. I knew that what we had was real and special and unique, and i knew that if I could just hold on for 8 months we'd be together again. So while the deployment-related life was much deeper and more a part of who I was, I didn't have any concerns over what the nature of our relationship was. And as silly as that sounds, in the darkest and loneliest of nights that alone can be great comfort.

And now, we have just embarked upon deployment number 3. Yesterday I was telling my friend a story and started with, "we had dinner at romero's house a few weeks before they deployed...". I trailed off for a moment, realizing that in fact they had just deployed 24 short hours earlier. It had felt like a lifetime. 24 hours??? 24 hours.

Take the stresses and the pains and the worries from deployment number two and multiply them by 2 - or maybe even more. I worry for my potential loss, while I also worry for the loss my son may have to endure. These are the scary things, the ugly faces of military life that we all like to smooth over and pretend aren't there. But they are real worries. Will my son get to know his father? Will he get to be a big brother? My faith and trust in the Lord tell me yes. Yes to both. That doesn't completely erase my concern though. Add to that the stress of taking care of a house which I skated away from last time. Pets who I had help in caring for from my roommates. And the new responsibility of being a single parent. When do I get to shower if not at 5 am? When do I get to exercise if not at work? When do I get to sulk and whine and cry and be a big selfish baby about the predicament I find myself in? There's no time for that. There are diapers to be changed and dishes to be done. Meals to be made and clothes to be washed. The list never ends and the tasks compound on top of each other.

But, in light of all of that look what I have that I never had before? I have this child. I have this precious baby who runs to me and wraps his little arms around my neck. I have my little bear who loves and needs me unconditionally. Who looks up at me with such wonder and amazement and trust in his eyes. I am a mom and no matter the stresses that come with it, it is by far the greatest pleasure in my life. So when I may feel the need to cry in my pillow I can just go play with mega bloks, dump trucks and countless balls downstairs. I can watch him sleep, hold him all night, feed him, play with him, and ignore the rest of the world with my focus solely on him.

So, I really don't know which is harder. I miss Austin more now than I believe I've ever missed him before. But maybe I'd just forgotten? I don't know. He is more a part of my life today than he was yesterday or 3 years ago - so what I have laid on the line is much greater. What I stand to lose is much more, but what I've gained because of that is immeasurable. Is it harder to be away from someone that you have more with? Maybe. But is it easier knowing that we have built this life, home and family? Maybe. I don't know.

It truly doesn't matter all the much if it's harder now or was harder then. This is the life we've chosen. I've learned more about the military, about myself and about Austin since the last time I said goodbye and I think that has influenced how I will handle this separation. I do believe that in a lot of ways I will be better this time, though I know I'll make mistakes too. For now, I'll keep checking the clock to see how much time has passed and keep waiting on that phone to ring.

Where is My Invitation?

Dearest Steve,

I hope this note finds you well. I hope your medical leave of absence is allowing your body the necessary time and rest it needs to recover from whatever ailment you are suffering from. I hope that you and your family are doing very well.

But Steve, I do believe you must have my email address wrong in your address book. Yesterday when you sent exclusive invitations to your March 2 party in California I believe you must have typed my email address in incorrectly. I did not get my invitation.

Please feel free to forward it along whenever you have a free moment. I know you're a busy man.

Look forward to seeing you next week,

Amanda

PEOPLE. Apple has made a huge mistake here.

They are throwing a launch party, or press conference, or whatever you want to call it. March 2. To discuss their next iPad, which is rumored to be revealed at the launch. And I. Wasn't. Invited.

How rude.

Regardless, I am happy to announce that Austin secretly saved some of his allowance for months and handed me cash before he left with which I am to buy an iPad. Maybe I'll have my own little launch party and leave Steve out. How about that for vengeance?

In any case. Launch party or not, No more whining. No more griping. No more envy. No more drool. Once this March 2 meeting is concluded and the sales date announced, my plans will be made to bring my baby home. And to all you iPad haters out there who will argue that it is just like my computer but smaller, or just like my phone but bigger, I will just smile and say "ok". I know its just a toy. It is expendable, yes. Why do you think I hadn't run out and gotten one already? It isn't necessary. But, it is no less necessary than the TV in my bedroom(which VERY rarely gets turned on) or the iPod in William's room or the new rims and tires Austin wants on his truck. None are needed, but they sure do make life a little more fun.

So, iPad, beautiful baby, I'm on my way. And then I guess a good wife would begin saving her allowance to finally buy Austin the rims he's drooled over longer than the iPad has even existed. Am I a good wife? Time will only tell.

William Wednesday

I used to tell Austin, during his last deployment, that it was worse for me than it was for him. He was the one with a new adventure, as dangerous as it may have been, while I was the one at home with an empty piece of my life.

This time, hands down I have the better end of the deal. Because no matter how much I miss Austin, I have William. He has made the last few months, and especially the last few days, more bearable than they would have been otherwise. He gives me motivation to wake up, reason to keep going, and his infectious laugh brings a smile to my face like no other. A lot of people seemed concerned that I had an entire weekend, a long weekend at that, with no plans but William made the weekend a blast.

On Saturday the highlight of the day was going to the park. We woke up, had breakfast, played a little bit and watched some cartoons. William hasn't been too interested in cartoons yet, but he did watch a little bit this time. After lunch I got him strapped into his stroller and we headed down to the park with Layla. We had gone to the park once before when he was about 5 months old, so to his knowledge this was his first trip to this particular playground - but he was not at all shy or scared. He went straight for the stairs to climb up to the top of the slide, and he knew exactly what to do when he got to the top. He flipped his body around and slid down the slide, feet first, on his tummy. He did this a few times until I walked him over to the swing to show him that.

He liked trying to kick me when he was in the swing and make me fall backwards (or pretend to) He laughed harder and harder each time, and it was so adorable watching him wiggle his legs more and more to try to get me. After I thought we were done on the swings I got him out, he did the slide one more time, then went back to the swing for more.

We spent about 45 minutes at the park, most of which he was climbing and running around, so when we got home he drank a cup of milk and fell asleep for over 2 hours! What a great nap :) We may be spending LOTS of time at the park this summer before naptime!

Sunday we tried out a new church and William went to nursery. He didn't enjoy me leaving him, but once I was gone they said he had a lot of fun. In the baby room they have a little playhouse with a slide, so apparently he spent a lot of time going down that slide too. After church we played some more at home for the rest of the day. I told you last week that he was learning to stack his mega bloks together, and this weekend he figured out how to stack them on the dumptruck that they came in. There are spots on the dump truck to hold the blocks and he figured out how to position them to make them stay. Still just 2 or 3 at a time, but he's learning fast and he plays with the blocks a lot so I'm sure he'll be building in no time.

Much to Austin's comfort, William has been reaching towards our family picture every time we pass by, smiles and says "DADA!" Last night I was trying to teach him to blow kisses to dada but he just thought I was being funny. He still babbles a ton, but the only recognizable words are mama and dada. He seems to know what they mean, but sometimes says them without referring to Austin or myself.

One of the funniest moments came on Sunday afternoon. William and Austin had been playing a game where they blow spit bubbles or make raspberry sounds or whatever you want to call it. They'd go back and forth for 20 minutes just making the noise. Well, on Sunday we were playing with his blocks and Layla was near us. Layla let out a little toot (not so little, she's a big dog you know) and without skipping a beat William blew his spit bubbles as if he and Layla were now playing a game. I don't think he even knew where the sound came from, but I sure was cracking up!

He's been climbing up the stairs for awhile but this week he has mastered climbing down too. He goes down on his tummy mostly, but sometimes he holds onto the spindles and just takes steps down. It scares me every time because I think he'll fall, but he never does and I think he enjoys giving me a scare. Its difficult to get him to go all the way down, though, because once he's halfway down he just wants to climb back up!

Another development first for him came Monday night when we were playing with his ball popper. First of all - some toy manufacturers are genius and put volume controls on their toys. Fisher Price: please improve this on your next version of the ball popper. It is WAY too loud to be played over and over and over and over...and over. :) There are 5 balls with the ball popper and when it really gets going the balls fly all over the place. The purple ball ended up too far for me to reach so I pointed to it and said, "William go get the purple ball" At first he just looked at me, so I rolled another ball towards the purple one. Then I said it again and he walked right over there, picked up the purple ball and brought it back to me. Then I said, "William can you get me the red ball now?" and he did! I was very impressed. The days of "William go get mommy some water" are upon us :) Just have to teach him to fill a cup and carry it without spilling. Maybe we'll start with "go get mommy the tub of blue bell" :)

That about sums up our week. LOTS of playing and exploring. Life with a little boy is never dull, that's for sure. And when William wants something, look out cause he's gonna find a way to get it!

What Would You Do with a Free Day?

I thought long and hard about using my President's Day holiday to make up for one of the days I took off last week in order to save some vacation time.

Thought long and hard.

Then I thought I was dumb for wasting the time and energy to think long and hard on such a simple question. To work when I don't have to? Silly me. William's school was open so I had the option of having a free day to myself - what a fool I would be to pass that up. So, I turned the alarm off and let myself snooze a bit before I tasked out my day.

William woke us up around 7:30 and because I was so prepared the night before we were out the door before 8. Lunch packed, clothes for both laid out, blanket and sheet washed and clean - we were ready to go. I decided to take William on a little breakfast date before school and because I am so generous we shared a breakfast meal at chick fil a. William had a fruit cup, one chick-n-mini and a few hash browns. I had the rest of the meal :) He loves chicken nuggets, but really if he didn't I think I'd worry that he wasn't my child. And hash browns? Hello, they are fried. Who doesn't love fried? We had fun sitting at the table, feeding each other and laughing before we made our way to Goddard.

After I dropped him off I headed straight to the gym. I've found the best way to ensure you get a work out in is to make it as convenient as possible so I was already dressed, needed gas which is next door to the gym, and I didn't let myself stop at home to get distracted. The gym didn't open until 9 because of the holiday, and I got there at 8:55. you'd think I was an over achiever, but it was a good thing I got there when I did because by 9:10 the parking lot was full. And who wants to park across the street and WALK to the gym? That's so demotivating, even if the purpose of the outing is for exercise. I got my workout in, gas tank full, and a quick stop to Target all before 11. It was already turning out to be a successful day.

Why did I need to go to Target? 2 reasons. One, its target. And a day off wouldn't be complete without a trip to Target. Also, I needed 8 more shoe boxes. I didn't go on a shoe-purchase binge or anything, I've just needed a couple new boxes here and there and have stalled on buying them. So, when I finally got tired of stacking my shoes on each other I decided it was time to count and see how many I needed. 8 - whoa! I let it get out of hand there. But, my procrastination paid off as the 4-packs were on sale for $2 off so I saved $4 on a $14 purchase - pretty good huh? Once I was home I realized the other reason I hadn't bought new boxes in awhile - my 2 shoe shelves were full and there was no more room. What would I do? Well, reorganize the hall closet to make room for sheets so the sheets could move out of my shoe-and-purse-heaven so I had 2 more shelves. Ah, and the shoe heaven looks much sweeter because of it. Plus, the hall closet got a nice revamping in the process too and I breathed a nice sigh of relief as I looked at the organizational masterpiece.

The rest of the day was spent washing cars, taking pictures to prepare the trailblazer to be sold (hopefully yet sadly), playing Wheel of Fortune on the Wii, and grocery shopping for the week. So, other than the wheel of fortune game (which I won, by the way, and won $50,000) my day was spent cleaning and organizing...and I absolutely loved it :) Next on the list: use my label maker to make labels for all of my shoe boxes. My heart is smiling just thinking of it.

So thanks George and Abraham and Teddy and Ronald - thanks for giving us a reason to take a day off work. Oh, and thanks for serving our country too.

Just Call Me Rosie

Do you think that sometimes God plants little things in our lives and secretly laughs to himself knowing that 10 years later we may look back on the rare, insignificant coincidence and just think "hmm"?? In high school I went on a band trip to Washington DC and in one of our Smithsonian tours I got a metal lunch box with the image of Rosie the Riveter on the front with the phrase "We Can Do It". Being no history buff in any way I didn't know much about the poster or the phrase, I just liked the picture of the girl showing off her buff muscles (at one point in time I had really nice arm muscles...they are still in there I think, just can't see them) I also like weird/unique purses so I bought the lunch box to use as a purse and to show off my muscles. Had no idea it had any sort of relation or foreshadowing into my future.

But my first words to my son this morning as I walked out of the airport were "we can do it little bear, we can do it" We will have lots of fun while daddy is away, we'll send him lots of pictures and love and before we know it we'll be driving back up to this very airport to hug him again.

He was unphased, though, and made my ride away from DIA far more enjoyable than it would have been had I been alone. He was laughing and chatting and shaking his head from side to side. He had a blast at the airport and was loving all of the attention from Austin's fellow deployers. He was climbing around the bags, playing peekaboo, grabbing their legs - he was the center of everyone's attention while everyone was trying to ignore the woman at the baggage counter who was trying to charge them each $200 for their bags being overweight.

I got to work right around 8:00 and people looked at me like I was nuts. Lots of people asked me why I was here so early, or why I was here at all. I just wanted to say "I'm Rosie, dude. I don't need to sit at home and cry in my ice cream, I need to get back to the factory that is Western Union and get back to work" . Miss Kim and I talked a little bit this morning about how good it is to be busy, especially at the beginning, and I honestly don't know if I've ever been more thankful to be employed than I am right now.

God must really think my life is here for his comical pleasure, though, because this morning I also found out that someone very close to me has cancer. My mom said to me, "I just had this dumb belief that because your dad died we were done with cancer. I know it was dumb but I did." But honestly, in a way, I did too. I feel like we paid our dues. We did our part, we had our battle - our family went through hell and in the end we didn't win the fight. So shouldn't it forever be someone else's turn? Apparently not. Apparently we get another go-round. The worst part is, the person who has cancer and that person's immediate family were SUCH a wonderful support for me when my dad was sick and I don't even know what I can do on this end. I don't know how I can be as much of a help to them as they were to me, and I don't know how to even face it all.

But, maybe it's better to be slapped in the face all in one day. Maybe it makes things easier. Given my 4:30 trip to the airport and then the saddening news I received afterwards, I doubt you could make it any worse. So take a free pass. If there's something you've been wanting to tell me like how I wasn't there for you when you needed it or I stole your thunder on your wedding day or I never returned those adorable shoes I borrowed senior year of college and you still resent me for it - tell me today. Lay it all out there today. That way I only have to flex my muscles, put on my red bandanna and don the tough face saying, "We Can Do it".

I'll save the crying in the ice cream for when Blue Bell arrives.

William Wednesday

I was right when I wrote a couple of months ago that the "firsts" were almost over, but the fun was just beginning. I was so right! The exploration and discovery never ends and he just soaks everything in like a little sponge.



William had his 1 year check up yesterday. It was 2 weeks late because he was sick and then I just needed to find a time that I could make it work. He is in the 100% for his height and 25% for weight - seriously, why can't I have that proportion? The doctor asked a lot of developmental questions and dietary questions and said he is ahead of the game and doing great. Duh - we already knew he was perfect didn't we? :)

The doctor tried to give him a spongebob sticker but he just looked at it with a confused look on his face. She asked if he had ever seen spongebob and I said he hasn't ever had much of an interest in cartoons. Maybe he will as he gets a little older, but when we try to put them on he doesn't pay much attention. Fine by me - I'm not much into TV or movies, and I don't want to have to fight the TV battle his whole life so if he isn't interested I won't push that one :) He'd much rather play with his toys than watch cartoons.

And oh my goodness does that boy love his toys. I thought he loved his toys before his birthday, but once he got newer, cooler, more age-appropriate toys he has a BALL! He got a lot of toys so I chose to put some in a closet to bring out throughout the year for new discoveries rather than overloading him at once. So the toys I've let him have for now are his mega blocks (giant legos) that came with a wagon, a guitar, a record player and a drum. He also gets the stuffed animals and books, but those are in his bedroom and he prefers them at night time/morning time. His guitar is his new toy for mommy's room - meaning he only gets it when he's in my room. I had read somewhere that having toys for special places that a child may tend to be needy or distracted is a good way of keeping them occupied. He LOVES his guitar so I instantly thought it'd be perfect for occupying him in the mornings when I am getting ready. And it WORKS! He absolutely loves when he sees it in the corner and he struts over there to play the songs. He has the cutest little dance he does - he shakes his head from side to side, flaps his arms and sometimes wiggles his hips. When he's dancing he always pauses to make sure he's being watched though, as being watched is half the fun.

He also dances with his drum downstairs. I may have a musical baby :) The drum sings "feel the salsa rhythm from your head to your toes dance to the beat of the bongos" and he just laughs and laughs as we dance together. He loves to get Austin and me to dance with him.

Another new favorite for him is trying to learn how to stack the mega blocks. He has such concentration and intensity surrounding his mega blocks and last night he was so frustrated I even had to take them away. He can stack one, but he wants to be able to take it apart and put it back together instantly. If his hand twists the block and it won't stack he gets so frustrated with himself. Last night he got 3 stacked together, but was VERY mad when one fell off. I am trying to allow him to get frustrated enough to learn but not too much to where it is just spinning his wheels and making him more mad than is useful. Does that make sense? It's a hard balance to find. So, when he got to the point that his frustration was no longer beneficial I started packing the blocks back into the wagon that they are stored in. The wagon is like a crossover between a wagon and a dump truck - you can lift the basket part and all the blocks dump on the ground. Anyway, as I was packing the blocks up William started to help me. Touched my heart. Then his form of helping turned into climbing IN the wagon WITH the blocks. He's climbed in it before when its been empty, but last night he wanted in with the blocks. So, what happens when you put a baby in a bucket that's already full? Yep, the blocks just overflow. Which is hilarious to a 1 year old, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't laugh too.

Laughing is one of our favorite things to do right now for sure. This weekend we were running errands and William was having a blast in the back seat. He entertained us with his dancing, his clapping, and playing peekaboo with his blanket. He LOVES peekaboo. It usually starts by me throwing his blanket on his head, then he laughs as we say "Where's William?" and he pulls it down. Nothing unique here - just generic peekaboo. But it never gets old. He also loves to mimic sounds and loves to blow raspberries back and forth with Austin.

And I haven't even told you the best part yet. Guess what William did this week? he said MAMA! It started in the bath one night when he was just saying the "mmm" sound" He's say "mmmmma" then I'd say "Mama?!" and he'd look at me and grin and say, "DADA!" We did that a few times then I gave up, but the next night during bath time he looked right at me and said MAMA. He still babbles dada more, but he will repeat Mama when we say it and sometimes he'll say it on his own.

We've had a ton of fun watching him explore his new toys, climb up and down the stairs, run down the hallway and cuddle with the animals. Every day is fun - he is truly the light of my life and he will make the next 9 months MUCH more bearable for me. I can't wait for every new day and new discovery!

If I were in Charge of the World

My mom has a book of poetry titled, "If I were in Charge of the World, and other stuff" - or something to that effect. I used to love reading poems out of that book, I think because I related to it. Even at a young age I knew that things would run a LOT smoother if I was in charge.

You can call it arrogance. You can call it stubbornness. You can call it being controlling. Really, you can call it whatever you want. But really, if I were in charge things would be a lot better.

I know right now you must be chuckling a little bit, but please don't . Because I am on some level serious here. I am sure there are things that would certainly not be better, technology at the forefront of that, but there are so many things that I just shake my head at because in my arrogant, stubborn, controlling brain I think I could do it better myself.

One such example came Sunday night when Austin got his schedule for this week. The lovely person in charge of his deployment had scheduled 3 hours of work for Monday, 2 for Tuesday, and 3 for Wednesday. Monday and Wednesday were not scheduled to start until 10, though, so in my mind that is more than just 3 hours. But if you add up 3, 2, and 3 what do you get? That's 8. How many hours are typically in ONE work day? That's 8. So, why in his infinite wisdom did he not just think to cram it all into one workday, giving the soldiers more time at home with their families?

Well, one reason is that he is single so he doesn't have a grasp on the family side. Another irritating reason is that the army functions on an understanding that spouses don't work...so when we do, it makes it hard to get involved in things and make it to meetings that are "for the families" and they don't understand that we have any of our own scheduling to do. A side example would be when meetings are scheduled for 5:00 and I am requested to be there, or when there are lunches or midday activities that I'm "encouraged" to attend. But that's not my complaint for today, I wouldn't want to bite off more than I can chew here so I'm just focused on Austin's schedule for this week. Personally I had planned to take Wednesday and Thursday off work to be with Austin, but if he's going to be at work until noon then what's the point? I may as well work a half day too. But I can't take a half day Tuesday (today) because of things that are due by the end of the day, so rather than 2 full days off work, or 1 full day and 2 half days, the army just stole 4 more hours from me.

If I were in charge, though, I would have booked plane flights months ago rather than days ago which would have allowed ample planning. I would have scheduled for things to have been taken care of in as few days as possible to allow for some down time - whether to be spent with family or alone. I would have done a lot of things differently from this person in charge, and I'm not even in the military know-how.

But, I suppose if I were in charge of the world I would have taken care of Afghanistan in a completely different way too so I wouldn't be in this whole situation to begin with. Sadly, I am not in charge of the world, instead I have chosen to let the Army be in charge of my world. And this is how the army functions so I guess I better put my big girl panties on and get over it. I'll work on that.

Better By a Country Smile

Remember that list I told you I have, the comparison of Texas and Colorado? The pros and cons to each. The never ending fight for which home is better.

Well, Texas, you just lost a point. Cause guess what? BLUE BELL IS HEADED MY WAY.

When I was in college I lived with Alexis for one year, and once I realized she was capable of eating a pint of ice cream per week AND still wear a size 2, I realized I needed to move out. That is just not fair. She had blue bell all the time and it was sheer torture because at that same point in time my body was fighting the thyroid battled and my extensive workout/diet regime resulted in 10 more pounds gained. I should have just been eating the dang blue bell!

Have no fear though, because over the next 2 years I think I ate more than my share and when it was time to face my weight struggle head on, I counted it a HUGE blessing that I only struggled with ice cream a few times per year. You see, when you grow up eating blue bell you are just wasting your time by eating any other ice cream. They haven't made it to the top 3 ice cream seller's in the nation while only selling in 20 states for no reason! The ice cream is just amazing. And its so light and fluffy that you feel like you could just eat bowl after bowl after bowl. Lucky for me, though, I didn't ever have that option. So the only time ice cream was even a temptation was when I was visiting Texas...and when visiting Texas, all temptations win.

That's not my point though. Those bi-annual temptations are a thing of the past. Now that I am more comfortable, yet still not AT my goal, I am proud to announce that Blue Bell has decided that Denver, ahem Amanda, is ready for their entrance into the market. One month from today I will be driving my happy little booty to the closest grocery store and I will be introducing William to a little taste of Heaven. And if my happy booty is not so little the next time I visit the local frozen food section, I will count it a blessing.

I can't wait to make my chocolate ice cream soup with some homemade vanilla and Hershey's syrup. Or to have those amazing little miniature ice cream sandwiches. OR SERVE ICE CREAM CUPS AT WILLIAM'S NEXT BIRTHDAY. First on the list though will be to test out the new Colorado exclusive "Rocky Mountain Road". It is sure to please.

Welcome Blue Bell. Long overdue, but welcome nonetheless.

William, Where is my Mind?

IT'S WEDNESDAY!

I literally JUST clicked "post" on my previous entry when it occurred to me that it isn't Tuesday, it's Wednesday. YIPPEE! Yippee because that means I get to see Austin in 2 days rather than 3, I get a weekend in 2 days rather than 3, and I get to write more about William. Wednesday is such a happy day.

Let's see - you already know about his fun birthday, his fun birthday weekend...in the last week really what else is there?

I think William gets his resistance to change from his mommy. His daddy is definitely more go with the flow, things are what they are, things happen and we adapt. Mommy is definitely "Change? No. You still propose change? Still no. You are going to change against my will? Ok, I'll just drag my feet and whine and cry and maybe you'll cave. You won't? Ok, after a few weeks of whining I'll give up." Yep, William has my outlook on that. Fantastic huh?

When I picked him up from school Miss Roland, one of his new teachers, told me that he had a WONDERFUL day! Because of the snow a lot of kids weren't at school and a few teachers were sent home as a result of that. He spent the morning with Miss Kim which I'm sure he enjoyed, but she said that once he came over to her room he was happy and comfortable, ate wonderfully, took a good long nap, and loved playing with the bigger-boy toys. She added that the only time he got upset was when he could see Miss Kim through the window. Sounds like my boy!!!

Kim and I were both very confused because he has been so good with a sippy cup since November, and Miss Cassie and Miss Roland both say he isn't great with it. I think the week he was sick caused a minor setback because he ONLY had a bottle of pedialyte, but prior to that he was drinking 3 cups per day and one bed time bottle. This weekend was hit or miss with the cup, so since our guests left I've been trying to give him his bedtime milk in a cup too just to solidify the transition. He resists at first, but I think after a few minutes he realizes its a cup or nothing. Yesterday, though, he apparently drank all 3 cups with no problem - so good for him!

I will also report that he is wearing shoes about 80% of the time now. I didn't have him wear shoes while our family was here because the only pair we have right now that fit him make him look like he lives in a different neighborhood, if you get my jist. My mom bought him a pair for his birthday so I hadn't bought him any more, but that pair is just a little too big. So Austin and I decided we'll buy him some for his birthday, but we have to wait until this weekend to get them. Gotta pick 'em out together!!! So, for now the options are cute shoes that are too big or ghetto shoes...

Today I opted for cute shoes :) All in all, though, he's walking much better in shoes than he was the first week we tried them and he doesn't fuss when I put them on or curl his foot into a little ball to avoid the shoe. The transition is almost complete.

I also committed myself to the fact that he is a zebra and in the zebra room each baby has a lunch bag with food brought everyday. I bought him a cute little elmo lunch bag and made him some carrots, cut up some grapes, and made him a little mini cheeseburger. What a big boy!!! So I no longer have to wash 5 bottles every night, but the trade off is packing a lunch every night. My days are so structured I feel like I'm in the military!!!

Oh and guess what William did for the first time during his birthday party? He gave me kisses!!! He's been all about hugs lately which of course makes me melt, but when he kissed me - it was the best thing ever. No other way to describe it. He kissed me on the cheek over and over and over. And you know what? I am the first person he's kissed!!! Yippee for mommy :)

Other than that and what you already know of his birthday, I think that sums up our week. William made some bonds this weekend and I hope that we can make it down to Houston soon enough so that he can reconnect with those people rather than start over.

Perpetual To-Do's

Does everyone have a perpetual to-do list? I am a list-oriented person, so I do realize my lists are probably a little more obsessive than most people's. But I have my work to do list, my personal list, my William list, grocery list, my "to do before Austin leaves" list...and each list is never ending. Each list carries a high dollar amount too as there always seems to be something to buy. Very frustrating. Then I add 2 things for every 1 I cross off it seems. It's exhausting! How do people do it? Most of my lists are in my head too, which can get tiring. I have to pull up a "template" in my brain and see where I am on my to-do list. Then I write them down 100 times on 100 different pieces of paper, type them in my phone, text them to Austin...I have lists everywhere.

I think maybe my love for lists has made the to-do more perpetual. You think? Maybe if I would STOP writing them down 100 times and STOP making the list-making process more complicated than the execution of said lists it would be more efficient? Hmm. Sometimes I make an attempt at reigning myself in in this manner. For instance, I got this cute little army notepad to keep in my purse and it was going to be my everything notebook. Everything would be in one place, I'd carry it with me at all times, and I'd ONLY write things in there.

But, after a month or so I'm back to sticky notes and notes on my phone and texts to Austin and...

Yep, back where I started. This isn't my first failed attempt, and surely won't be my last.

My current personal to-do list has 19 items I believe. That's the most daunting for sure, and also the list that gets put on the back burner for any other list at any point in time. Work has slowed, which helps. My William list isn't too long, and I did knock out 3 things yesterday without adding any so that was fun. The before-austin-leaves list will be short lived as he leaves in 10 days (I hope you are dropping your jaw in shock because I am) So maybe things are winding down? Let's hope so. I need wind-down time in order to knock out some of my stuff because my stuff sits there for too, too long. I view my lists like I view the laundry: I just want there to be a moment in time when I have nothing. No dirty laundry and no outstanding tasks. Even if that moment in time is only for 2 seconds, it would be the most refreshing 2 seconds ever.

Oh - and I have a date with a postal worker coming up pretty soon. I have things to send to my mom, addie, brittany's kids (these are almost 2 months late and they were JUST at my house and I failed to just hand them to them) and Brittany and then I need to get Austin's first package ready...yep, me and Mike are gonna be buds.

SO - the point of all of this rambling is - do you have perpetual lists? If so, how do you manage? If not...um...how in the world do you manage?

Ok, I Admit It

At some point on Sunday my Aunt Mandy and Dana were sitting at my kitchen table analyzing this season of the Bachelor. Normally I would tune this conversation out in the way that I tune out conversations about basketball or Jersey Shore or Obama or anything else that sparks no interest for me. But, when Mandy noticed I was leaning my ear that way she asked, "Do you watch?"

My whisper showed my shame as I had to reply "This season, yes. But come on people I am alone at home with nothing to do!" Clearly Mandy and Dana are not closet fans, but seeing as I have only watched 2 seasons ever, one because I knew a contestant, I am not a loud-and-proud kind of fan.

I'm also not a loud-and-proud fan because the show IS RIDICULOUS. Seriously, If I could emphasize that word any more I would. The bachelor, Brad, picks these wonderful dates to take women on and miraculously each date has a woman who is "deathly afraid" or has some sort of personal issue with an event related to that date. What are the odds? How did luck have it that Michelle, aka scared of heights, was on the repelling date while Ally, aka afraid of critters, was on the cave walk with bats and spiders and the works? Or how is it that Sweet Emily was on the date where they drove nascars around the track that her late fiance ended his driving career on? The odds are just not that great.

Then throw in the drama. The women who continuously say "its just so HARD to see you with all these other girls!" Hmm, really? This is why monogamy is widely practiced. This is why true love is found less than 10% of the time on this show. This is why YOU DON'T DATE A MAN WHO IS DATING 20 OTHER WOMEN.

Or the women who say "She's just not right for you" Hmm, haven't you known him for all of 10 weeks? What do you know?

Or the times when Brad says, "I just love being with Chantel. It just feels like every day real life and that's what I'm looking for." Hmm, if so - Brad, you have the best life ever. If "every day real life" consists of dinners on the beach and random trips to Costa Rica, then running through the rain to a romantic hotel room already prepared for said rain then why the heck are you still looking for a woman? My guess is you could have found one a looooong time ago.

Point being, its ridiculous. More ridiculous than the show, though, are my eyes during the show. Glued. I can't seem to turn away from the train wreck that is Brad's quest for love. It's like driving down the road during near white-out conditions but keeping your eyes glued to the cars stuck in the ditch. Really, if you watch too long you may join them. Or you may hit the semi truck in front of you. OR you may slide through the red light. You never know, but you just can't peel your eyes away.

One scenario, eyes on Brad, was me last night. The other scenario, eyes on disaster, was me this morning as I slow-crawled my way to work.

Glad to be here!

What a Party!

With everything that has gone on so far this year and all the work that went into William's party, I was slightly anxious that my sigh of relief at the end would overshadow the weekend itself. I was dead wrong!!! I loved having my family and friends in town, loved having my house full of noise and chaos and conversations talking over conversations. I loved having made too much lasagna (and salsa and meat and...well...went pretty overboard on food) - I just loved it all. I didn't get to see the first half of the game, but I was settled in just in time for halftime, present opening, and got to see the entire second half.

Brittany, Michael, BB, Nico, Aunt Mandy and Chelsea all flew in on Thursday night. O'Hare airport in Chicago had been shut down for 2 days so we were nervous that Mandy and Chelsea's flight may have been cancelled, and Houston's airport closed at 6 when Brittany's flight was to leave at 5:30...so I was in anticipation all day about whether or not they'd arrive. But, they all got in and I was so happy that the flight arrangements weren't ruined. Friday I had to go to work which was a bummer. I had planned to take the day off but with the week off to take care of William I wasn't able to make it work for Friday. But Friday night I was SO happy when Austin picked me up at work and we came home then ran off to Saltgrass with our family and friends. It felt so great to have them here and to be able to sit and chat without anything else that we had to take care of.

Saturday morning the ladies of the group went to get our nails done - let's face it, I was in need of a break - and by the time we made it back to the house the rest of the clan had arrived. My mom, Alfredo, Candace, Herb, Brandon and Dana had all flown in around the same time and they came straight to our house. DUH - the point of the trip wasn't their hotel, it was William!!! He is SO loved, and was SO overwhelmed as a result on Saturday. I was glad to see people sneak him away to play with him and develop bonds. He was ok with new people one-on-one and if Austin and/or myself were not within eyes reach, so I was glad people felt comfortable enough to snatch him away. Plus I was busy getting dinner ready and getting the tables set for our yummy meal!!!

I think the idea of a crowd slowly got more comfortable for William and by the middle of his party on Sunday he was working the crowd. He took a little while to get interested in his cake, but he was much more interested in presents than he was just 1.5 months ago at Christmas. Things change so fast! It was fun to watch people watching him and to see how much our families love him. I can't imagine not having that support system and that love for our baby and I'm so thankful that we do. It made me forget about the countless trips to the grocery store, the excess food in the fridge, the mess on the floor...ok clearly I haven't FORGOTTEN about any of it since I'm still talking about it. But it made me care less, which is pretty significant I'd say :) When I glanced over at the messy kitchen during the 4th quarter of the game but realized I cared very little about the mess and was just enjoying having everyone over.

Thanks to everyone who was able to make it (and a special thanks to the sweet someone who watched my mom's dog so she could be there) I was so moved that people would travel the country and that friends would want to spend their Super Bowl Sunday at a 1 year old's birthday. You all helped to make the celebration of WIlliam's first year more than I could have planned. Mandy said everything so well in just 2 scriptures yesterday:
A good name is to be more desired than great wealth. We gave William a great name, and he will fill those shoes I am sure.
You will turn our mourning into dancing.

William has taken my mourning and turned a lot of it into dancing. It won't ever be gone, but he has taken a piece of it from me and replaced it with such joy. Thanks be to God!

And Because you deserve Pictures

Here are a few pictures from William's first birthday! At lunch he had a quesadilla and then let me know he was done by flipping the tray on his head. For dinner he had a grilled cheese, which is clearly in his mouth as he's intrigued by daddy's reading. With the grilled cheese he had some carrots which he devoured (the brown sugar glaze may have played a part) and some ice cream. Oh, and his first cup of real milk!!! What a big boy :)

Alright 2011, We Need to Talk

It used to be that even numbered years were hard for me and odd numbered years were easy. So, after a rough 2008 I headed into 2009 knowing the year would be much better. And it was! 2009 was an awesome year. Then things changed and the pattern shifted as 2010 was the best yet.

So far, 2011 falls far below expectations and suggests that odd numbered years are my new nemesis.

We already talked about January. Work sucked, Austin was gone, William was sick, I was sick - not fun. We are in February now and guess what? Little improvement. Scenario is roughly the same actually. William and I are both still sick, Austin is sick, the weather sucks, and a someone briefly stole my excitement yesterday about William's birthday. I was pissed. How dare someone steal that from me, especially when that person has very little to do with my life? He didn't have the right!!!

But then I realized that the only way that person had the ability to steal anything from me is because I allowed him to. I allowed my emotions to be focused elsewhere so shame on me. Once I made this realization and re-geared my brain to be all about WIlliam's exciting day, things turned around for me. William and I had a very fun lunch date at Qdoba (a burrito place) and then we got to go meet daddy for dinner at the Black Eyed Pea in Castle Rock. William was absolutely precious and had us cracking up the entire evening. It was definitely a fantastic ending to a rough day.

So, 2011, I can already tell that you will be a trying one. You will push and poke and prod and pester. You will test my patience, strength, willpower and faith. And you know what? I will win. So bring it on.

William Wednesday, William's ONE!

To my Little Bear, on your first birthday:
Sweet William – I’ve thought about what I’d want to say to you on your first birthday for awhile now. I end up with no idea where to start, yet I have so much to say. I know that even though I’ll talk your ear off tonight as I rock you to sleep you won’t completely understand or remember. So, I thought if I wrote you a letter you could read it later and get an idea of (you’ll never fully know) what you’ve meant to me over the last year.
I loved you before I ever saw your face. Then one year ago today you rushed into this world and I was filled with a love that I didn’t know existed. Then, when I thought it wasn’t even possible to have more love than I already did, my love grew for you each day. I love you more today than I did the first moment I saw you, and my heart overflows for you every day.
Some people say that on their baby’s first birthday they no longer remember life before baby. I remember. I remember life very well. And while I loved my life, I had no idea that there was an empty part of me just waiting to be filled by you. I had no idea of the joy that you would bring to my life.
You’ve taught me so much in your first year, William, and you don’t even know it. You, yourself, are busy learning and growing and because of you I am too. You’ve taught me about patience, forgiveness, and like I said – about a kind of love of which I was never aware.
In addition to all that you’ve taught me, you’ve enriched my life by being a part of it. I have never felt such joy as I have by watching you learn and grow. I have been enthralled by watching you learn to grab things, hold things, roll over, crawl, walk, talk – and all of the smaller discoveries in between. I loved watching you learn about our pets and begin to love our pets. I loved seeing how excited you got to see your daddy come home from work. I loved seeing you experience new aspects of the world for the first time – grass, rain, sunshine, snow – you just explored and soaked it all in. You amaze me all the time with how you pick up on things and how I can see the comprehension in your face. The first time you smiled at me when I picked you up from daycare I thought I’d never be happier for the rest of my life, but then that was overpowered the first day you briskly crawled to me with that grin on your face. Again, I thought I’d never be happier until the day you walked to me. You out-do yourself every time, and I don’t know when it stops. I can’t put into words the enrichment you’ve added to my life sweet boy.
Mommy and Daddy have had the most incredible year of our lives, and we have you and God to thank for that. We know that God blessed us tremendously with the gift of our son, and we know that we are only taking care of you for Him. We have prayed and prayed for guidance on how to be the best parents we can be and how to raise you in the way that He would want. We have loved having the opportunity to be a part of God’s greatest miracle – which is the creation of His children. Over the next year, daddy will be gone for awhile. He will be fighting for our country and the biggest reason he has this calling is to make our country as safe and free as possible for you. That is one way he knows best how to protect you, the most precious person in his world. While he’s away he will miss you more than you or I can know, and he will trust me to take care of you on my own. I promise both of you that I will do my best. I will do everything I can to help you learn and grow, to teach you and to guide you, but most of all to show you the love that the world has for you. You are such a blessed and loved baby with family and friends who are all overflowing with love for you – and it is my job to make sure you know that. I won’t always make the right choices I’m sure, but know that I will do my best and have your best interest at heart.
Although I said I do remember life before you, I can’t imagine life without you anymore. Your first birthday is more of a gift to me than any of the presents you will receive. This is the first February 2nd in 13 years which I haven’t dreaded, and from here forward it will be one of my favorite days of the year. Thank you, so much, for all you’ve done for me. As you grow up, please never forget how much your mommy and daddy love you.
Happy Birthday Little Bear.
Love,
Mommy

My Big Brother

I was born into, and blessed immensely with, a family with 2 older brothers. When I was born Brian's favorite thing to do was poke my eyes out (or attempt to) and the abuse and torture continued for 14 or so years. Brandon, however, was excited to have a little sister. He was protective of me and I have seen quite a few pictures of him kissing me on the forehead while Brian is off doing his own thing.
**important to know, here, that the subject of said pictures is always brandon. not sweet, beautiful, precious baby amanda. my birth year is full of chronicles of Brandon's life. ah, the life of the first born. william is a lucky duck isn't he?**

Brandon and I have had our ups and downs, but one thing that has always been prevalent between the two of us is a great love and connection. I am so thankful for the bond that we have shared and the relationship we've had since we were little kids. He's has such a bold personality and a deep passion for whatever it is that he is focused on, so looking to him as an example helped me to reach for my own goals. I only wish I could have the fire inside of me for aspects of my life that Brandon has for his.

Almost two years ago Brandon and Dana got married and he asked me to give a toast at his reception. Because I feel like I said everything best there, I will post that here for his birthday post. I know, its cheating. But, as the saying goes, if it ain't broke don't fix it - so why should I try to recreate? Happy birthday to my very old brother in his 30's :) Love you!

As most of you know, I am Amanda Wallis – Brandon’s sister. Growing up I was so blessed to have two wonderful older brothers, but my relationships with each were very different – and my relationship with Brandon was always the more affectionate one. On many occasions Brandon even helped me get ready and did my hair before my dances, while all Brian tried to do was scare boys away!

Over the last eleven years Brandon has had some personal struggles beginning with the loss of our dad and a long road that took him from there to where he is now. For the past year or so, though, Brandon has made progress in his recovery and I can’t share with you the joy it brought me to hear a piece of what I call the “old Brandon” through the excitement in his voice last fall when he called and said “Guess what? Dana is my girlfriend!” I’d also like to share a new joy I felt when Brandon and Dana were in Denver visiting my husband and me for Thanksgiving. At one point Brandon was in a mood for some reason and Dana simply looked at him and said “Brandon, snap out of it”

So, for bringing out that old charm and joy in Brandon, I can only thank you, Dana. And for being strong enough and willing to stand up to him and put him in his place when need be – I’ll thank you for that too J

But if he ever asks to do your hair – go ahead and trust him, he does a pretty good job!

God said “It is not good for Man to be alone; I will make a helper who is right for him” Please join me in toasting Brandon and Dana as they have found a “helper” in each other and have begun their journey of marriage today.
To Brandon and Dana-