William Wednesday

It has been over a month since I last wrote William Wednesday.  Someone should be beating me over the head.  Today I'll mix William's post with one of the lessons I've learned through this PCOS stuff.

During the diagnostic phase of my meetings my doctor and I went through years of my medical history.  I'll get more into that in another post, it's really interesting to me, but basically he thinks I've had PCOS since college.  Naturally, my first question was "then how did I get pregnant with William so quickly?" to which he said, "babies are miracles".

Babies are miracles.

I knew I had some cycle issues before William, I just didn't know they could have hindered my ability to get pregnant.  I got pregnant the first month we tried and apparently that's the best time for someone on PCOS.  The further away you get from birth control the more irregular you may become, so that first month is sometimes the best because everything is usually still in sync.  Apparently for me, it was.

God knew William Timothy Wallis needed to be born February 2, 2010.  He had a plan.  William's life was written long ago and the miracle of conception and childbirth occurred perfectly in His plan.  I can't even put into words how miraculous that is.

My little miracle has been up to the same old, same old since I last wrote: growing, learning, running around like a maniac, and stealing my heart on a daily basis.  He is SO full of energy.  Are all 3 year olds like this?  I would guess so, but I really don't know.  He's nonstop all the time!  Go, go, go.

He seems to be creeping his way out of the terrible 3's.  Slowly, but we're getting there.  He has his tantrums pretty well under control.  He doesn't argue nearly as much as he did a couple of months ago.  He really seems to have outgrown that transition.  (for a short time I'm sure)  I can't believe he's almost 4!!!!

He has started a math enrichment class at school.  They meet on Tuesdays and Thursdays and work on basic math skills.  They started with sorting and counting, which his teacher told us he clearly already had mastered.  He still enjoys it a lot and he counts higher and higher now, so I can still see growth and improvement. He always seems excited on math mornings, which I love. After math we may try the language arts program or the Spanish program - wish we could do all 3 but everything has a price right? Sheesh.

A couple of weeks ago a coworker of mine offered us tickets to the monster truck show. I had work to do so I let the boys have a special day to themselves. William loved it. He lasted almost the entire 4 hours and he's still telling me stories about the show! He says next year I get to go too :) here he is on a monster truck ride with dada.

The highlight of the past month with him, for me, was Relay. 

He was such an angel - behaved perfectly, listened to miss Casey, listened to dada and mommy, loved sleeping in the tent, and he spoke in the microphone with all the bravery in the world! He loved being on stage with Austin and me during the various ceremonies and announcements, and during the luminaria speech I asked him a question and he leaned in to the microphone to answer. Maybe stage fright doesn't come until later in life, or maybe he just has an incredible amount of confidence. I don't know but I sure was proud of him!

But hey, I'm always proud of him. Even on days like yesterday when he causes me to write blog posts like I did...

Is this all moms? Or, do I have special DNA?

After the birth of her twins, when asked what the most shocking part of motherhood had been so far, Jennifer Lopez said "the mom guilt".  I remember reading that when I was nowhere near motherhood and thinking, "yeah, I bet moms feel guilty about going back to work".  Then I continued flipping through the magazine, not giving it much more thought.

About 12 hours after William was born I had my first pang of mom guilt and I have to say - nothing feels quite like it.  Nothing can make you feel more under qualified or like more of a failure than the inability to do everything 100% perfect for your child.  I know how ridiculous that sounds.  I know that we can't ever be 100% perfect - but anything shy of that feels like failure, and its killer.  I've had some pretty heavy bouts of mom guilt over the past few months and 2 weeks ago I was on the brink of writing a blog about it.  My plan, then, was to ask at the end for someone to write me the magic potion to fix the problem!  I think God had some mercy on me as he relieved that guilt for a couple of weeks.  But, it was just a short reprieve and now its back.  So, after reading quite a few blogs out there about the mom guilt, and mom comparisons, and mom failures - I decided I'd better take a stab at what I attempted to start two weeks ago.

William refuses to be potty trained.  There.  I said it.  I have been so hesitant to say it because once I type it out here in blog world, it can't be kept secret.  We can't hide it or mask it or pretend it's not there.  Everyone knows.  Let me take you back...

A year ago his teachers said he was ready to start potty training, and boy were they right!  He got it down really fast and was really good at it.  We did sticker charts and he earned prizes and as the charts began to grow he continued to succeed.  He was about 90% potty trained when we went to Texas for Christmas and then by the time we went back in February for Maizeanne's wedding I was ready to say he was fully potty trained.

But then something happened right when we got back.  Something that would have me lose sleep at night for at least half of a year trying to discern just exactly what that something was.

Was it because he turned 3?  Was it because I instantly starting working 10-12 hour days, 6 days a week for 10 weeks?  Was it because his teachers started talking about moving him up to the next classroom and he was afraid of change?  Was it later because Austin went to Arizona for 2 months?

Despite all of the analyzing I've done I have settled with the opinion that it was just plain stubbornness.  I don't know why he wants to be stubborn about the potty.  I don't know why he needs to pee in his pants to feel like he's in control.  But he does.  We've begged, bribed, rewarded, punished - we've tried everything under the sun (but if you have new ideas I am openly welcoming parenting advice...won't happen every day).  In the end, he just decides when he wants to be potty trained and when he wants to have accidents, or "purposefuls" as I call them.  15 days ago I came home and saw that Austin had removed ALL of William's toys from his play area.  Even his new toy shelf!  William had 3 accidents that day at school and Austin was fed up.  William was told he would earn one toy per day that he kept his pants clean.  For the next 6 days he kept his pants clean and he woke up with dry pullups every day.  At Relay for Life he behaved SO well and did so good, so the day after Relay we told him he had earned all of his toys back.  You should have seen his excitement!  It was bigger than Christmas.  He continued to be accident-free the entire week following Relay and while YayaPapa were in town visiting.  He was doing GREAT!  

Then yesterday when Austin went to pick him up he found he had 2 accidents.

And 2 more today.

Nothing has been more of a parenting challenge than potty training and I feel like an utter failure.  William is a smart, smart boy.  His teachers have told me since he was 6 months old how advanced he is.  He can form sentences better than some adults.  His logical thought processes are astounding.  He mastered most of his current class curricular goals before we even lived in California.  He is learning to read sight-words, knows how to spell a handful of words by memory, is learning simple addition...I could go on and on about how bright he is, and I often do.  He knows how to use the potty.  He knows when to use the potty.  He is choosing to have accidents, and for the life of me I can not figure out why.  More importantly, I can not figure out how to stop it.  I find myself looking at moms in Target of babies around 2 who are already potty trained and wondering "what did she do that I can't do?" 

Which then brings me to the second-worst mom conundrum I've found: jealous comparisons.  The comparisons started at the very beginning and I was ready for some of them.  I was ready for the working mom/stay at home mom battle.  I was ready for the breast feeding/bottle feeding battle.  I was armed and ready to defend my position on both, and I knew it was a battle that had been fought for ages.

What I didn't prepare myself for was the constant measuring-up we do.  Do we all do it?  Is it every mom?  Or just the really blessed ones with the crazy-psycho-analytic genes?  I'd like to be in company with all of the other moms out there, but I'd hope for your sake I'm just that special.  I see the moms at my work who have their hair and makeup done every day for work, who have the cutest clothes from the best stores, and I think to myself, "How on earth does she find time to shop for HERSELF and do her HAIR and her MAKEUP every single day?".  I've been talking about buying more new clothes since my shopping spree at nordstroms...10 months ago.  I see the military wives who don't work and I wonder how they can make it financially when I seem to think we'd be in the street corner if I didn't work.  I see the moms at the gym who are in far better shape than I am and I wonder why on earth I can't seem to make time to workout as often as they do.  I see the kids at the birthday parties eating broccoli and carrots while my child insists on "kid" food (I only have my own palate to blame here).  I see the pinterest moms who are doing all of the crafts all of the time while I have all but given up on pinterest because I can't even find time to look.  I see the homeschooling moms who are in playgroups and clubs and teach lessons and structure entire grade-school curriculums.  I CAN'T EVEN GET MY KID TO PEE IN THE TOILET 100% OF THE TIME.  How do these moms run these ships?

How is it that they have all figured things out which I can't even begin to work on?  And the sucker punch at the end: is this why I can't have another baby?  Have a failed my test?  I can't even do it with one.

But then I wonder: while I'm sitting here looking at all of those other moms, is there one somewhere looking at me?  Does she think my parenting is under control?  Is she fooled into believing I have it all figured out?  And, if so, does that mean I'm a fool too for thinking these other moms have it down pat?

I don't know why motherhood comes with guilt the size of Texas deep down in your gut, and I don't know why we feel like we have to measure ourselves against all of these other moms.  I have it on my list of questions to ask God one day.  But until then, I've got to come up with a way to set some of it free.  To let it go.  I am not the perfect mom and I know that no matter how hard I try, I never will be.  I have made countless mistakes so far and I will make exponentially more for the rest of my life.  I know this.  And yet, each time I do it is the disappointment of a lifetime.  I was right; I can not get my kid to pee in the toilet.  At this point, only William can make William pee in the toilet.  I just have to figure out how to allow myself to be ok with the fact that I am not the world's best potty training mom and instead be happy that I may be the world's best book-reading mom. (or at least in the top 3)  William may not be potty trained when textbooks say he should be, but I've read him books since the day he came home from the hospital and he truly treasures our book time every night.  Most days he even picks me over Dada!  I'm not good at everything, but I'm good at some things.  I just have to learn to be ok with that.

It's time!!!

Are you as ready for my last relay Friday as I am?! Maybe for different reasons - but I am SO ready. I'm excited and stressed and anxious - just ready for relay to get here!

The last few weeks have been a complete blur. Between traveling and doctor appointments and running a half marathon and trying desperately to stay afloat at work, my head is spinning. No matter what I've been doing over the last few weeks, relay has been the only thing staying at the forefront of my mind. 

I really had no clue the amount of work that would go into planning relay this year. Last year was so simple - because it was so tiny and on short notice and uneventful. But as we've worked to build this into a real relay its taken a lot more time than I thought. Which is fine - it's great actually, it just consumes me. But you know how I love bossing people around and making plans and organizing events? I get to do it all!

God bless my husband in that regard - we had this conversation last night:

Me: I'm so glad we have this family tie around relay.

Austin: me too, it's really special. And I know how much you love being the coordinator!

Me: yeah...sometimes I notice myself start bossing you around and I try to hold back.

Austin: yeah, I can tell you're trying...

Me: sometimes I notice your resistance and realize maybe I'm going too far.

Austin, with a sweet smile and a back rub: yeah. You tend to do that's but I love you anyway 

Austin had this week off of work which wasn't intentionally planned for relay but God had clearly been in control of that. We wouldn't be nearly ready if he had been at work! He's been a relay slave all week with logistics and equipment and site prep, etc. it's been such a blessing to have him off work.

So - wanna hear our amazing update??? I'm dying to share! We have 17 teams and almost 300 participants! This coming from 3 real teams and about 50 participants last year. Annnnnnd...we are $49 away from breaking $24,000!!!! I can not even believe it. We are anticipating making maybe $5,000 on site, so we could realistically push $30K! I thought I was aiming high when my goal was $20,000...boy was I wrong!

Do you want to be the one to push us over $24? Or keep it rolling? Every dollar helps - and really, if anyone wants to donate $3.44 to get us to a round number you might just be my favorite person ever :) (we have $23,951.56 right now)

I can't wait to share pictures and stories and a final update after relay is over. Please pray for us this weekend - pray for our weather and safety and all of our participants. We are so excited to be doing this and couldn't have gotten there without our support system :)

One last time...in case you missed it before

Www.relayforlife.org/seasideca

I'll start with a funny one

To lighten the mood a bit and prove that I have come out of the dark place, I thought I'd start my next journey of writing with a funny little anecdote

Some would say I am less emotional than the average girl. Some (ahem: my mom) may say I'm void of emotion at times. I generally look at things from the most logical, least emotional position - which isn't good or bad, it just is. Maybe it's good and bad.  I could stand to have a little bit more emotion, but it definitely has its benefits too.

- i don't make emotional decisions.

- my judgment is rarely clouded 

- I have avoided a lot of heartache

- I don't suffer from PMS 

The last one is key. My brother once told me 'I wish you had been MORE crazy with PMS so I would have known what to expect. Girls go nuts!' Yeah...they can...just not usually me.  The emotions in my family seem to have been more concentrated on one of the siblings... So, while being less emotional definitely has drawbacks it isn't such a bad thing.

However, it also means an influx of hormones in an effort to get pregnant would catch me 100% off guard and blow my mind.

Last Sunday night I was 2 days into a 5 day treatment. Austin (Lord, please help him forgive me for sharing this on the www) let out a teeny tiny bit of flatulence as we were going to sleep. Honestly, it's probably not the first time.  I just don't pay a heck of a lot of attention to it so I don't  remember. But Sunday - I did.

I sobbed. I didn't just cry a little. I didn't just get a tad upset. I sobbed. Soaked my pillow, could hardly breathe, body in convulsions - that kind of sobbing. 

FOR AN HOUR.

I cried for an hour?!?! I even tried rationalizing and talking myself down, 'Amanda - this is ridiculous - why are you crying? Get ahold of yourself this is crazy!' My inner monologue went on and on but the tears just kept flowing. The more angry I got the more I cried.  Eventually Austin fell asleep and Layla became unaffected by my whimpers and went to sleep too. I had no choice but to truly cry myself to sleep. 

I cried myself to sleep over a fart.

I don't think I'll ever forgive myself.

I'm Ready

For the past few months my blogging volume has been much lower than I would expect.  Tax Season made sense - I was just so busy!  Shortly thereafter, though, a purple elephant entered our virtual room here.  Anytime I think about writing all I can see is this purple elephant.  ANytime I talk to someone I struggle to make conversations about anything other than the purple elephant.  But I don't WANT to talk about the elephant!  I don't want to think about it!  I just don't want it to exist.
But it does, and after a few months of processing I think I've accepted it.  After slowly talking to a few people about it I  think I am finally ready to write about it.
The plus side: once we identify the beast, my comical writing content will likely explode because boy have I passed up on some funny opportunities!  Lots to laugh about, we just have to get there first.
In May I met with a doctor at a fertility clinic and was diagnosed with a condition referred to as PCOS.  Google it if you want; the short of it is that all of my reproductive processes in my body seem to work in autonomy rather than unity.  They're all marching to the beat of their own drums, if you will, and getting them all on course will take some well coordinated effort. It's not impossible to get pregnant with PCOS. It's very common and my doctor is hopeful. But it won't be easy.

To be told I have a small form of fertility trouble is one of the most gut wrenching things someone could tell me. I have known my whole life I was meant to be a mom. I've been a mom by nature far longer than I've been a mom and I dreamed my whole life of the brood I'd raise. To be told I'm incapable - even in the slightest - has been one of the most difficult things I've ever dealt with. Then to see people who I perceive to be unfit be blessed with the opportunity just kills me inside.

All of the abused children.

All of the abandoned children.

All of the ignored children.

All of the parents who had no intention of conceiving and have to 'come to terms with it'.

Couldn't some of that be erased by giving me a baby? Couldn't I be the expecting mom instead of the woman who is struggling to break her alcohol addiction? Or the mom who isn't even trying? Why them? Why not me?

I have been so ashamed. Every time I've heard of a new baby - either someone I'm genuinely excited for or someone I'm inappropriately jealous of - I am reminded of one thing: I'm not capable. I can't do it. In this effort, to date I have failed.

I received very encouraging words from my dear dear friend Kristine a few months back regarding infertility. She said it is one of the most taboo topics and one of the most isolating feelings. As always, Kris is right. I have never felt more alone. 

I have a lot of people who are more than willing to talk to me. I have an abundance of love and support. I know that. But to talk to someone who has 4 kids of her own (or 2 or 3) is just as isolating as not talking at all. She doesn't get it. Or to talk to someone who has never tried to have kids? She doesn't know the pain and frustration. She can sympathize and support, but she doesn't get it.  None of  them do. Every time I'm asked a question I just want to scream, 'I'm not pregnant! What more do you want to know?!'  I can talk to Austin, and he's been an incredibly patient man in this, but when I see him I just internalize more disappointment. He'd never tell me it's my fault he doesn't have more kids, but I know. It is. I know. The only person who may want me to have a baby more than I want me to have a baby is Austin, and it's not his fault that we don't. We can walk together, but I still feel alone.

I've come a long way in the past few months, and I'm not always in the dark place this post exhibits. I'm just bringing you up to speed. God has no doubt taught me great lessons through this and I'm sure he has more to come.

I have an arsenal of topics about which to write with this. Some will be funny, some will be happy, and some (maybe lots) will be sad. But I've decided that if I have hated how isolating and taboo infertility can be, the only way I can attempt to change that is to make an effort to talk. It's not fun to talk about, and I'm sure it's not fun to be on the other end. I don't want to be 'the girl with the baby troubles' any more than you want to be the helpless friend who can't help the girl with the baby troubles. But we're wearing those shoes, so we may as well make them shine. Here's to the good, the bad and the ugly. Thanks for joining me on the journey.

Sulley does Champagne

After Sulley and I had our adventurous flight to Chicago we spent the night at my aunt and uncle's house. The next day we drove down to Champagne to see my cousins and FINALLY meet my baby cousin. 

Chelsea is 9 months younger than me and even though we grew up 1,000 miles apart, she's always been one of my closest friends. Back in the day before emails (when we walk backwards uphill in the snow...wait, that was our parents...) we used to be pen pals and we'd mail each other signs, pictures, letters - whatever! We Always stayed really close despite the distance. I used to go visit every so often and they'd spend summers in Houston, so not only was I really close with Chelsea but Jesse too! Then Chels got married And I looooove Kyle...so a weekend with my aunts and cousins sounded perfect.

Sulley had fun cuddling with everyone and making his rounds in the room. And I adored my lil' munchkin cousin. The trip was pretty short (no...very short) but it was worth the time away and time in the car to see them. I just have to figure out how to go back soon - and with my boys!!!

And that's how it starts

I thought I'd be one and done. Who needs to run more than one half marathon in their life? And I certainly don't think I'm nuts enough for a full, so one and done I thought. I'd move on to other mud runs or obstacle courses or just be able to close this little chapter of my book.

But then it got me. That runner bug.

Today was the half marathon I wrote about a few months ago and all in all I'd say it went well. Of course, not as well as i'd want.  3 weeks ago we ran 10 miles in our training regime and it felt good - I was sure with 3 more weeks of my training I'd finish right where I wanted. 1:57 was my goal.

Then two days after our 10 mile run I ran 5 and hurt my heel. I'm not really sure how, I just know it started about half an hour after the run and by the next day I could barely make it down the stairs. I iced it, elevated it, took over a week off running - I was following all the rules. When I thought I was better I made an effort for 5 miles which turned into 2 miles and was excruciating. I took another week off and Thursday did a light 3 miles. So - between the 5 mile injury day and today's run I ran a total of 5 miles. Not a great finish to my plan.

The run started out great. 7 miles slightly ahead of my goal pace - felt good! Then the heel pain creeped its way in and I struggled from miles 8 til the end. But no sight ever looked better than seeing William on Austin's shoulders cheering for me at the end. I finished with a time of 2:05 so only 8 minutes over, but 8 minutes is a lot. I was really disappointed and as I struggled to walk through the spectator group I said 'ok, in November I'll do better at the big sur marathon in Monterey' 

Did I really just say that?!?! Yes, yes I did.

After the race We had wine, got a wine glass and our medals double as a wine stopper. Then we went out for brunch an mimosas to dull the pain. So it ended nicely! Just have to figure a way to make those last 5 miles less gruesome.

Until then...

Relay: Remember

I promised I'd re-write my relay post in Chicago but my trip just ended up being too busy and too fun!  I didn't want to take time away from my family to write - time was too precious.  Hope you don't mind :)

I've spent the past few months updating you on Relay plans and progress.  As it has grown I have gotten busier juggling responsibilties and roles - and have really enjoyed the opportunity to organize the event (Read: tell people what to do).  But amid all of the coordinating and logistics, the root of why I relay hasn't changed: my dad.

My favorite part of relay is the chance it gives me to remember and honor my dad.  The theme CELEBRATE. REMEMBER. FIGHT BACK really allows me to honor him in a well rounded way, but the one closest to my heart is the remembrance.  I can remember my dad daily, and often do, but it's a blessing to have a time dedicated 100% to his memory.  As I've mentioned before, sometimes I have a guilty feeling that being 15 years removed from his fight with cancer means I should have moved on and shouldn't have this tugging at my heart.  But to be able to devote an evening and a ceremony, in my own heart, to him has been such a blessing.

Relays come in all shapes and sizes and each one takes on its own personality.  But there are elements you'll find across the world which never change.  The luminaria ceremony is one such element.  After the sun has gone down luminaries begin to shed light on loved ones who have fought, are currently fighting, and some who have lost their fight against cancer.  The site of hundreds of luminaries lighting the track during the solemn ceremony is incredibly moving.

 

This is absolutely my favorite part of the day.  It's not easy to see the names and pictures of children, moms, dads, friends; to read the messages left my the people grieving their losses.  But it is so powerful and helps us remember not only why we Relay, but for whom we do it.  For a walk down memory lane, check out last year's relay luminaria speach here  This year I am excited to have the opportunity to make lumiaria bags for people in all three categories of the fight: my dad who lost his fight, my aunt who won, and my mom's friend Holly who is currently fighting.  I am honored to walk in their names and to pour my heart into the hope that other people one day won't be doing the same thing.

 

If you have someone you'd like honored at this year's Seaside relay, please let me know.  A luminaria bag can be decorated for a donation of $10.  If you've already made a donation to our relay let me know and I will gladly make a bag for your loved one if you'd like.  Or if you haven't yet donated but would like to have a bag made, donate $10 today and I will be sure the memory of your family member/friend will be honored.  Go to www.relayforlife.org/seasideca and click on Team WTB.  You can give $10 (or more, don't let me stop you!) to our team or select any one of the team members and donate in their name.  Austin, William (yes, William is a team member, and yes he already has his $100 raised!) or I would love your support but if there's a team member who has not reached $100 yet you can help them earn their t-shirt by getting them to that $100 benchmark.   Up to you!  Then just let me know what you want on the bag, how you'd like it decorated (maybe a Dallas cowboys star for my dad?  or a Hawaiin beach picture for my aunt?) I'll be sure to get it done.

 

As always, thanks for your love and support throughout this journey.  We're almost there!