After the birth of her twins, when asked what the most shocking part of motherhood had been so far, Jennifer Lopez said "the mom guilt". I remember reading that when I was nowhere near motherhood and thinking, "yeah, I bet moms feel guilty about going back to work". Then I continued flipping through the magazine, not giving it much more thought.
About 12 hours after William was born I had my first pang of mom guilt and I have to say - nothing feels quite like it. Nothing can make you feel more under qualified or like more of a failure than the inability to do everything 100% perfect for your child. I know how ridiculous that sounds. I know that we can't ever be 100% perfect - but anything shy of that feels like failure, and its killer. I've had some pretty heavy bouts of mom guilt over the past few months and 2 weeks ago I was on the brink of writing a blog about it. My plan, then, was to ask at the end for someone to write me the magic potion to fix the problem! I think God had some mercy on me as he relieved that guilt for a couple of weeks. But, it was just a short reprieve and now its back. So, after reading quite a few blogs out there about the mom guilt, and mom comparisons, and mom failures - I decided I'd better take a stab at what I attempted to start two weeks ago.
William refuses to be potty trained. There. I said it. I have been so hesitant to say it because once I type it out here in blog world, it can't be kept secret. We can't hide it or mask it or pretend it's not there. Everyone knows. Let me take you back...
A year ago his teachers said he was ready to start potty training, and boy were they right! He got it down really fast and was really good at it. We did sticker charts and he earned prizes and as the charts began to grow he continued to succeed. He was about 90% potty trained when we went to Texas for Christmas and then by the time we went back in February for Maizeanne's wedding I was ready to say he was fully potty trained.
But then something happened right when we got back. Something that would have me lose sleep at night for at least half of a year trying to discern just exactly what that something was.
Was it because he turned 3? Was it because I instantly starting working 10-12 hour days, 6 days a week for 10 weeks? Was it because his teachers started talking about moving him up to the next classroom and he was afraid of change? Was it later because Austin went to Arizona for 2 months?
Despite all of the analyzing I've done I have settled with the opinion that it was just plain stubbornness. I don't know why he wants to be stubborn about the potty. I don't know why he needs to pee in his pants to feel like he's in control. But he does. We've begged, bribed, rewarded, punished - we've tried everything under the sun (but if you have new ideas I am openly welcoming parenting advice...won't happen every day). In the end, he just decides when he wants to be potty trained and when he wants to have accidents, or "purposefuls" as I call them. 15 days ago I came home and saw that Austin had removed ALL of William's toys from his play area. Even his new toy shelf! William had 3 accidents that day at school and Austin was fed up. William was told he would earn one toy per day that he kept his pants clean. For the next 6 days he kept his pants clean and he woke up with dry pullups every day. At Relay for Life he behaved SO well and did so good, so the day after Relay we told him he had earned all of his toys back. You should have seen his excitement! It was bigger than Christmas. He continued to be accident-free the entire week following Relay and while YayaPapa were in town visiting. He was doing GREAT!
Then yesterday when Austin went to pick him up he found he had 2 accidents.
And 2 more today.
Nothing has been more of a parenting challenge than potty training and I feel like an utter failure. William is a smart, smart boy. His teachers have told me since he was 6 months old how advanced he is. He can form sentences better than some adults. His logical thought processes are astounding. He mastered most of his current class curricular goals before we even lived in California. He is learning to read sight-words, knows how to spell a handful of words by memory, is learning simple addition...I could go on and on about how bright he is, and I often do. He knows how to use the potty. He knows when to use the potty. He is choosing to have accidents, and for the life of me I can not figure out why. More importantly, I can not figure out how to stop it. I find myself looking at moms in Target of babies around 2 who are already potty trained and wondering "what did she do that I can't do?"
Which then brings me to the second-worst mom conundrum I've found: jealous comparisons. The comparisons started at the very beginning and I was ready for some of them. I was ready for the working mom/stay at home mom battle. I was ready for the breast feeding/bottle feeding battle. I was armed and ready to defend my position on both, and I knew it was a battle that had been fought for ages.
What I didn't prepare myself for was the constant measuring-up we do. Do we all do it? Is it every mom? Or just the really blessed ones with the crazy-psycho-analytic genes? I'd like to be in company with all of the other moms out there, but I'd hope for your sake I'm just that special. I see the moms at my work who have their hair and makeup done every day for work, who have the cutest clothes from the best stores, and I think to myself, "How on earth does she find time to shop for HERSELF and do her HAIR and her MAKEUP every single day?". I've been talking about buying more new clothes since my shopping spree at nordstroms...10 months ago. I see the military wives who don't work and I wonder how they can make it financially when I seem to think we'd be in the street corner if I didn't work. I see the moms at the gym who are in far better shape than I am and I wonder why on earth I can't seem to make time to workout as often as they do. I see the kids at the birthday parties eating broccoli and carrots while my child insists on "kid" food (I only have my own palate to blame here). I see the pinterest moms who are doing all of the crafts all of the time while I have all but given up on pinterest because I can't even find time to look. I see the homeschooling moms who are in playgroups and clubs and teach lessons and structure entire grade-school curriculums. I CAN'T EVEN GET MY KID TO PEE IN THE TOILET 100% OF THE TIME. How do these moms run these ships?
How is it that they have all figured things out which I can't even begin to work on? And the sucker punch at the end: is this why I can't have another baby? Have a failed my test? I can't even do it with one.
But then I wonder: while I'm sitting here looking at all of those other moms, is there one somewhere looking at me? Does she think my parenting is under control? Is she fooled into believing I have it all figured out? And, if so, does that mean I'm a fool too for thinking these other moms have it down pat?
I don't know why motherhood comes with guilt the size of Texas deep down in your gut, and I don't know why we feel like we have to measure ourselves against all of these other moms. I have it on my list of questions to ask God one day. But until then, I've got to come up with a way to set some of it free. To let it go. I am not the perfect mom and I know that no matter how hard I try, I never will be. I have made countless mistakes so far and I will make exponentially more for the rest of my life. I know this. And yet, each time I do it is the disappointment of a lifetime. I was right; I can not get my kid to pee in the toilet. At this point, only William can make William pee in the toilet. I just have to figure out how to allow myself to be ok with the fact that I am not the world's best potty training mom and instead be happy that I may be the world's best book-reading mom. (or at least in the top 3) William may not be potty trained when textbooks say he should be, but I've read him books since the day he came home from the hospital and he truly treasures our book time every night. Most days he even picks me over Dada! I'm not good at everything, but I'm good at some things. I just have to learn to be ok with that.
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