On a Quest for Me

There is so much out there about the struggle of transforming from an old you to a new you. Losing weight. Graduating from high school. Graduating from college. Becoming a mom. Transformations are hard! And while we (usually???) want what we are morphing into, that doesn't mean it comes without growing pains and some loss.

I recently talked with a friend about the choice of how many children to have and she talked about sticking with her one. Her one amazingly precious daughter! I shared with her that I've often thought I'd be a better mom had I stopped at one. Don't read that wrong: I DO NOT WISH I had stopped at one, but I do think I would do a better mom-job if I had one kid rather than three. 

When I had one kid his development was never overlooked. When I had one kid I knew what he ate for dinner last Tuesday and made sure we didn't have a repeat week of meals. When I had one kid he was read to every day. (Well, truth be told, he still is. It's the other 2 who may be suffering)

When I had one kid he had a mom who knew who she was. And while that may sound selfish, you're better at everything you do when you know who you are. I am a better mom when I know who I am.

The problem is, when I added baby # 2 (and then very quickly #3) I scrambled. I suddenly had 6 ears to clean out at bath time. I had 3 developmental levels to track. I had 3 precious balls of love to tuck in at night. Often, one falls asleep while the other 2 are being tended to. Or one has shoes with broken Velcro because he tore them just as we exited the shoe store to replace shoes for the other. Or one is still drinking the same amount of formula per bottle as she was 4 months ago because I don't have the energy or time or focus to stretch her appetite.

And I only have 3! I would say 'how do moms of 4, 5, 6 do it...' But I know how

- some days they just survive. You do what you can. You make it work.

Unfortunately, in all of that 'make it work' mentality you sometimes forget that your ears need cleaning. Your brain needs stimulating. Your interests need cultivating. And in that fleeting moment when you remember, you remind yourself you're too tired to think about it. But, I don't want to be lost in this season. I may not be the same person I was with no kids or with one, but I want to find who I am in all of this.

I want to blog. I want to exercise. I want to be a thoughtful friend. I want to be a lot of the things I used to be.

And so, this year I plan to find those things. I may not (read: will not) have a craft room that I get to play in every day. I may not have the amazing gym membership I did 5 years ago, or get the amazing workouts 6 days a week I was fortunate to have. I may not be able to be everything I wish I could be, but at least I can find where this new me fits amidst the shuffle and work. I'm on a quest to find me, and in the meantime I hope  to bring this little blog along for the ride! Should be fun!