The hunt is on. Sort of.
A lot of people have been asking me what my plans are as far as work once we move. I think the answer is a step above “your guess is as good as mine”. Monterey Bay is a small area, primarily made up of golf courses and tourists, and the employment opportunities aren’t bountiful. But, somehow I’m not having an anxiety attack (yet).
I’ve been looking periodically at a website I found www.montereybayjobs.com and when I see something that sparks my interest (or matches my experience) I send in my resume. I haven’t seen many, but when I do I give it a shot. I’ll keep looking, and as the time gets closer I will look a little harder and possibly in other areas/avenues.
Part of me wonders if this is the time for me to take a step back and look at where my career is headed – or where I want it to be headed. Part of me wonders if I think that simply because I don’t have much of an option. I don’t think I’ll find a job in a busy, hectic corporate tax department…but my heart isn’t broken much. I do need to find A job, and I do have a “minimum salary requirement” in mind…but other than that, if I have to take a step sideways or backwards or forge a new path all together I’m not totally opposed.
Kaila suggested I work at the container store, but since the nearest one is over an hour away, and since they get a 40% discount and 50% on elfa, I think I wouldn’t quite meet my minimum take-home requirements. Though lots of fun I surely would have!!!
I have, however, taken a look at a few websites for golf courses to see if there are any open positions for beer cart girls. I know this isn’t quite the step you’d expect me to take in my career, but hey- I hear beer cart girls at the ritzy courses can make more than I make currently. To ride on a cart in the sun and serve alcoholic beverages and candy bars to men who make more money than anyone ever needs. What could be so bad about that?
Moving across the country has not proven to be my strong point. I’m not bouncing with excitement and I don’t like the uncertainty of how everything will play out. But I’m impressed with my low level of stress and concern over it, and I do think that this is one of the instances where the only answer is to wait on father time.
In the mean time, I’ll keep my hopes up for an open beer cart on pebble beach.
- manda
Jan 31, 2012
Jan 26, 2012
Baby smell
Years before I had William, I had friends who raved about the “baby smell”. Moms seem to go goo-goo for it. I loved reading Amelia Bedelia books as a kid and there is one dedicated to how much the mother loved the baby smell. I always thought that babies smelled great, but I don’t think I quite knew what the “baby smell” even was. Then when William was a baby friends would hold him and sniff until their eyes popped – going on and on about how they just couldn’t get enough. I agreed that he smelled good and I loved to smell him, but never once did I go into convulsions from inhaling too much. Austin even insisted that there was no such smell and that all babies smell like is formula and baby powder. I wouldn’t have gone so far as to say they smelled like sour milk, but I did think that the “baby smell” was simply Johnson and Johnson’s plug in the market.
Until today! I had lunch with some coworkers and we went to a restaurant blocks away from where one of them takes his son (4 months old) for daycare. So, on our way to lunch Kevin picked up his son and brought him to lunch. Once I was done eating I did the polite thing and offered to hold Iver while Kevin finished. What I found next was that my head was shaking and my eyes were squinted shut because I couldn’t stop smelling him. He just smelled WONDERFUL! I almost felt like I was doing something illegal or morally wrong by how much I was obsessing over his smell, but I really couldn’t even control myself. It was almost euphoric.
In that minute I forgot about pregnancy pains, have long forgotten about labor pains (though I hardly had any), I forgot about sleepless nights and crying fits and spit up on my clothes and diaper costs and complete dependency…all I thought about was how wonderful it’d be to have a baby. I think the baby smell is a trigger God created in a woman’s brain that is set off once she has her first baby…and maybe never goes away. I don’t know. But I know I never thought anything smelled as sweet as Iver did today.
Yes, his name is Iver.
- manda
Until today! I had lunch with some coworkers and we went to a restaurant blocks away from where one of them takes his son (4 months old) for daycare. So, on our way to lunch Kevin picked up his son and brought him to lunch. Once I was done eating I did the polite thing and offered to hold Iver while Kevin finished. What I found next was that my head was shaking and my eyes were squinted shut because I couldn’t stop smelling him. He just smelled WONDERFUL! I almost felt like I was doing something illegal or morally wrong by how much I was obsessing over his smell, but I really couldn’t even control myself. It was almost euphoric.
In that minute I forgot about pregnancy pains, have long forgotten about labor pains (though I hardly had any), I forgot about sleepless nights and crying fits and spit up on my clothes and diaper costs and complete dependency…all I thought about was how wonderful it’d be to have a baby. I think the baby smell is a trigger God created in a woman’s brain that is set off once she has her first baby…and maybe never goes away. I don’t know. But I know I never thought anything smelled as sweet as Iver did today.
Yes, his name is Iver.
- manda
Jan 25, 2012
Williams's January
Time has been a blur since the last time I wrote William Wednesday. It’s been 3 weeks and it feels like it was seconds ago that I was sitting awake in bed at 11:30 at night writing in a blog – anything to occupy my brain. I didn’t see him much for the next week – hardly at all actually – but I heard he had a fabulous time. And once work slowed down for me, we have had a wonderful time as a family.
I’m sure you are all tired of hearing me gloat about how smart William is, but when I’m told that I’m “raising a baby genius” what else can I say? He’s brilliant! While his curriculum at school right now is focusing on colors, he has sailed past that and is onto his alphabet. He knows EVERY letter when pointed to, and has a word to associate with each:
A – aggies (duh)
B- Brandon
C- cici
D- dada
E- egg
F- football
G- gene or oh gosh
H – horsey
I – ice
J – jingle bells or Jan
K – kelli
L – layla
M – mommy
N – nancy
O – oh gosh or football (because it’s shaped like a football!)
P – papa
Q – no word here…I’m lost…
R – Robert
S – Wallis (because when he says his name he says Wallissssssssss)
T – Thomas
U – umbrella
V – victory (again, I was lost…)
W – WILLIAM! (WUM WUM)
X – TeXas
Y – Yaya
Z – zebra
He also recognizes the numbers 1-9 (0 is football) and can count independently 1-5, then 7-10. Six seems a bit confusing. Yesterday he counted 1-3 in Spanish too! I think I can just empty out his college fund now cause clearly this kid is going places on his own.
He has had a great time reuniting with Dada and spending time as a family. A few nights ago we were trying to get him to go take a bath and he climbed on our bed, laid right in the middle then pointed to Austin’s side and said “dada lay”. Austin obeyed, then he said “mommy lay” as he pointed to my side. So we laid there, each of us facing him, and he looked back and forth from mommy to dada with a smile that could be seen across the country. He was happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
A couple weeks ago we took him to the National Western Stock Show – kind of a preview for the Houston Livestock Show – but it was way too crowded for Austin’s taste so it didn’t last long. William didn’t like the crowded areas much either, but if he could have played on those John Deere tractors for hours he would have been one happy camper.
The next day we went to Oh Gosh’s house for the Texans game (tears!) and William played outside for the entire game. He figured out how to open the back sliding door, so there was no stopping him. He took his cars and trains out there, lined them all up, threw them in the bushes, put them in the chair…it was quite the busy adventure out there. I guess he’s an outdoorsman!
Austin said that he just can’t believe the difference between August and now. He said he feels like in February he left a baby, in August he came home and still had a baby just a bigger one. But then he left again and when he came home this time there was no more baby – just a big boy. He can’t believe his vocabulary, motor skills, logical thinking, and the way he can make connections and put things together in his mind. The transformation from a baby to a big boy just happened recently – I definitely noticed it – but I can’t imagine having missed that time.
Sometimes we both catch ourselves trying to use reason and logic TOO much with him – because he is just so smart it seems like he should know these things. So we have to learn to have a little more patience than seems necessary. Maybe this never ends…
The biggest development over the last week was taking the front panel off of his crib, turning it into a day bed. Austin took it off during the day and wiser parents would have thought to show William his new bed BEFORE bedtime, to get the excitement out. Not us! We took him for his bath, then to his room and when he saw his bed you would have thought Thomas the Train had made a special appearance at our house. He was so excited! He climbed on the bed, jumped a few times, threw all of his buddies off the bed, climbed down, threw all his buddies back on the bed, and repeated the process. Falling asleep wasn’t on his agenda and he actually didn’t sleep IN the bed for the first 3 nights, but I think he’s used to it now. Our bedtime routine switched up a little bit and instead of rocking in the chair to read books and sing songs, now I crawl in bed with him and read and sing. It’s usually a 2-3 minute ordeal to determine who has the horsie pillow and who has the aggie pillow, and we have to have Thomas and Daddy doll and Doggie situated just right – but once we’re all settled we have a wonderful time. Austin took bedtime last night and seeing him crawl into the crib with William was pretty fun – I thought it was too small for ME, you should see him! But I’m sure he enjoyed it as much as I do.
In the mornings sometimes William has his arms wrapped tightly around dada, doggie, blankie and some other assortment of animals/toys. When I walk in and find this I always say “do you have all your buddies?” Yesterday morning I walked in and when he woke up he asked me to hand him doggie then dada then blanket. They had fallen (or gotten thrown) on the floor during the night. After I handed them to him he cuddled them all and with a big smile said, “alllll the buddies”. His sweet little voice lights up my world.
Austin has been working on animal sounds with William, and has also taught him that “the boss says RUMMMM”. The boss is the name for Austin’s truck, and “RUMMM” is my best attempt at spelling out a loud truck noise. In the mornings William always wants to ride in the boss (I try not to take personal offense) but when he sees the boss isn’t in the driveway he says “the boss at work RUMMMM”. He also knows lion, monkey, gorilla (which he also swaps out with dada…beating his hands on his chest saying “dada says…ooo ooo ooo”) horse, cow, cat, dog, bird, wolf, pig…I think that’s all. He loves to perform for us and make us laugh!
Yesterday Austin told William he had to wear a hat after school because it was cold, so he stole Dada's hat!
And here we are this morning trying to get ourself ready for school.
I think that hits the high points of the last few weeks. Sorry to have missed so many blogs – I hear I’ve been interfering with morning coffee rituals and daily work avoidance. My apologies. I’ll do better, starting now with William Wednesday. We’re having a blast– that’s for sure. And I love having our family back together again. I know folding laundry was never better than Sunday night as I listened to Dada read books through the baby monitor.
- manda
I’m sure you are all tired of hearing me gloat about how smart William is, but when I’m told that I’m “raising a baby genius” what else can I say? He’s brilliant! While his curriculum at school right now is focusing on colors, he has sailed past that and is onto his alphabet. He knows EVERY letter when pointed to, and has a word to associate with each:
A – aggies (duh)
B- Brandon
C- cici
D- dada
E- egg
F- football
G- gene or oh gosh
H – horsey
I – ice
J – jingle bells or Jan
K – kelli
L – layla
M – mommy
N – nancy
O – oh gosh or football (because it’s shaped like a football!)
P – papa
Q – no word here…I’m lost…
R – Robert
S – Wallis (because when he says his name he says Wallissssssssss)
T – Thomas
U – umbrella
V – victory (again, I was lost…)
W – WILLIAM! (WUM WUM)
X – TeXas
Y – Yaya
Z – zebra
He also recognizes the numbers 1-9 (0 is football) and can count independently 1-5, then 7-10. Six seems a bit confusing. Yesterday he counted 1-3 in Spanish too! I think I can just empty out his college fund now cause clearly this kid is going places on his own.
He has had a great time reuniting with Dada and spending time as a family. A few nights ago we were trying to get him to go take a bath and he climbed on our bed, laid right in the middle then pointed to Austin’s side and said “dada lay”. Austin obeyed, then he said “mommy lay” as he pointed to my side. So we laid there, each of us facing him, and he looked back and forth from mommy to dada with a smile that could be seen across the country. He was happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
A couple weeks ago we took him to the National Western Stock Show – kind of a preview for the Houston Livestock Show – but it was way too crowded for Austin’s taste so it didn’t last long. William didn’t like the crowded areas much either, but if he could have played on those John Deere tractors for hours he would have been one happy camper.
The next day we went to Oh Gosh’s house for the Texans game (tears!) and William played outside for the entire game. He figured out how to open the back sliding door, so there was no stopping him. He took his cars and trains out there, lined them all up, threw them in the bushes, put them in the chair…it was quite the busy adventure out there. I guess he’s an outdoorsman!
Austin said that he just can’t believe the difference between August and now. He said he feels like in February he left a baby, in August he came home and still had a baby just a bigger one. But then he left again and when he came home this time there was no more baby – just a big boy. He can’t believe his vocabulary, motor skills, logical thinking, and the way he can make connections and put things together in his mind. The transformation from a baby to a big boy just happened recently – I definitely noticed it – but I can’t imagine having missed that time.
Sometimes we both catch ourselves trying to use reason and logic TOO much with him – because he is just so smart it seems like he should know these things. So we have to learn to have a little more patience than seems necessary. Maybe this never ends…
The biggest development over the last week was taking the front panel off of his crib, turning it into a day bed. Austin took it off during the day and wiser parents would have thought to show William his new bed BEFORE bedtime, to get the excitement out. Not us! We took him for his bath, then to his room and when he saw his bed you would have thought Thomas the Train had made a special appearance at our house. He was so excited! He climbed on the bed, jumped a few times, threw all of his buddies off the bed, climbed down, threw all his buddies back on the bed, and repeated the process. Falling asleep wasn’t on his agenda and he actually didn’t sleep IN the bed for the first 3 nights, but I think he’s used to it now. Our bedtime routine switched up a little bit and instead of rocking in the chair to read books and sing songs, now I crawl in bed with him and read and sing. It’s usually a 2-3 minute ordeal to determine who has the horsie pillow and who has the aggie pillow, and we have to have Thomas and Daddy doll and Doggie situated just right – but once we’re all settled we have a wonderful time. Austin took bedtime last night and seeing him crawl into the crib with William was pretty fun – I thought it was too small for ME, you should see him! But I’m sure he enjoyed it as much as I do.
In the mornings sometimes William has his arms wrapped tightly around dada, doggie, blankie and some other assortment of animals/toys. When I walk in and find this I always say “do you have all your buddies?” Yesterday morning I walked in and when he woke up he asked me to hand him doggie then dada then blanket. They had fallen (or gotten thrown) on the floor during the night. After I handed them to him he cuddled them all and with a big smile said, “alllll the buddies”. His sweet little voice lights up my world.
Austin has been working on animal sounds with William, and has also taught him that “the boss says RUMMMM”. The boss is the name for Austin’s truck, and “RUMMM” is my best attempt at spelling out a loud truck noise. In the mornings William always wants to ride in the boss (I try not to take personal offense) but when he sees the boss isn’t in the driveway he says “the boss at work RUMMMM”. He also knows lion, monkey, gorilla (which he also swaps out with dada…beating his hands on his chest saying “dada says…ooo ooo ooo”) horse, cow, cat, dog, bird, wolf, pig…I think that’s all. He loves to perform for us and make us laugh!
Yesterday Austin told William he had to wear a hat after school because it was cold, so he stole Dada's hat!
And here we are this morning trying to get ourself ready for school.
I think that hits the high points of the last few weeks. Sorry to have missed so many blogs – I hear I’ve been interfering with morning coffee rituals and daily work avoidance. My apologies. I’ll do better, starting now with William Wednesday. We’re having a blast– that’s for sure. And I love having our family back together again. I know folding laundry was never better than Sunday night as I listened to Dada read books through the baby monitor.
- manda
Jan 24, 2012
The Title Says it All
In my post about how spoiled I was on Christmas, I can’t remember if I mentioned the wonderful cookbook I got.
At first I just thought it was wonderful because it has such a crafty title.
Then, I thought it was wonderful because my mom and I were looking through it and realized the author was one of my babysitters growing up! Her mom and my mom were very good friends, and when Lisa was in high school she babysat my brothers and me sometimes. I was a baby so I don’t remember any specific babysitting memories, but I remember her and her mom – and her picture on the back of the book looks just as I’d expect.
Then, I really enjoyed looking through it because it is like the merging between a book and a cookbook. Each section has a nice intro written, and there are little blurbs written before the recipes explaining why that particular item made it into the cookbook. It’s fun to read, especially if you’re a homesick Texan like Lisa.
And THEN I thought the cookbook was wonderful because I tried one of the recipes. OH. MY. GOOOOOOODNESS.
Saturday morning Austin and I were flipping through the cookbook at breakfast, trying to think of what to make for Brian that night for his birthday dinner. There isn’t a single recipe that sounds bad (well, except the entire seafood section) but I couldn’t find one that just popped out for Brian. We flipped through “chicken fried steak” and I thought “Well Brian would like that, but I already know how to make it so it isn’t special from this book…” But then I got to the side dish section and found the perfect mate for a delicious fried steak: Tomatillo Grits.
I first learned to make tomatillo salsa when I moved to Houston in 2008. I had told Brittany that my favorite Mexican dish is enchiladas verdes, so when I arrived in Houston Michael had the dish cooking – the house smelled amazing and it was such a warm welcome. He taught me to make his enchiladas, and they have been a staple in our house for the past few years. I probably make them more than any other single dish besides maybe meatloaf (William eats the heck out of meatloaf). So when I saw a new recipe that uses tomatillos I decided it must be de-lish…and I must try it! Essentially Lisa makes Michael’s verde salsa, except she adds 4 cloves of sautéed garlic and some lime juice which rocks. Then she mixed it in with some cooked grits and shredded cheese. So simple! Brian and Austin practically drank the grits from the bowl, and 2 non-southerners who haven’t been raised with such deliciousness both agreed they were very good.
I now pride my parents in choosing wise babysitters for their children. Lisa put together an awesome cookbook! So, one recipe down and hundreds to go – this book is going to come in handy as these two homesick Texans venture a little further from the motherland.
- manda
At first I just thought it was wonderful because it has such a crafty title.
Then, I thought it was wonderful because my mom and I were looking through it and realized the author was one of my babysitters growing up! Her mom and my mom were very good friends, and when Lisa was in high school she babysat my brothers and me sometimes. I was a baby so I don’t remember any specific babysitting memories, but I remember her and her mom – and her picture on the back of the book looks just as I’d expect.
Then, I really enjoyed looking through it because it is like the merging between a book and a cookbook. Each section has a nice intro written, and there are little blurbs written before the recipes explaining why that particular item made it into the cookbook. It’s fun to read, especially if you’re a homesick Texan like Lisa.
And THEN I thought the cookbook was wonderful because I tried one of the recipes. OH. MY. GOOOOOOODNESS.
Saturday morning Austin and I were flipping through the cookbook at breakfast, trying to think of what to make for Brian that night for his birthday dinner. There isn’t a single recipe that sounds bad (well, except the entire seafood section) but I couldn’t find one that just popped out for Brian. We flipped through “chicken fried steak” and I thought “Well Brian would like that, but I already know how to make it so it isn’t special from this book…” But then I got to the side dish section and found the perfect mate for a delicious fried steak: Tomatillo Grits.
I first learned to make tomatillo salsa when I moved to Houston in 2008. I had told Brittany that my favorite Mexican dish is enchiladas verdes, so when I arrived in Houston Michael had the dish cooking – the house smelled amazing and it was such a warm welcome. He taught me to make his enchiladas, and they have been a staple in our house for the past few years. I probably make them more than any other single dish besides maybe meatloaf (William eats the heck out of meatloaf). So when I saw a new recipe that uses tomatillos I decided it must be de-lish…and I must try it! Essentially Lisa makes Michael’s verde salsa, except she adds 4 cloves of sautéed garlic and some lime juice which rocks. Then she mixed it in with some cooked grits and shredded cheese. So simple! Brian and Austin practically drank the grits from the bowl, and 2 non-southerners who haven’t been raised with such deliciousness both agreed they were very good.
I now pride my parents in choosing wise babysitters for their children. Lisa put together an awesome cookbook! So, one recipe down and hundreds to go – this book is going to come in handy as these two homesick Texans venture a little further from the motherland.
- manda
Jan 17, 2012
Pencils and Compartmentalization
There are two things about me which will be highlighted here. First, I don’t like pencils. You could try to look at the psychological side of it: the assumption with pencil is that you may be wrong and need to change it, and I don’t want to be wrong. I think I’m always right, so I don’t need to erase. There is also an element of flexibility by writing in pencil, and I am a lot of things before flexible. I’m not a psychologist, so maybe that’s not an accurate conclusion – and I’ve certainly never put THAT much thought into pencil vs pen. I just don’t like the way pencils feel in my hands. Normal pencils give me the chills when I hold them, and mechanical pencils give me the chills when the lead hits the paper. I’ve tried all kinds – don’t bother buying me any – I just don’t like them. I like pen. Not to mention I’m a little obsessive with my handwriting and it looks much better in pen than pencil.
The second thing to be learned about me is that I am a master of compartmentalization. If I didn’t just invent that word, it’s ok because I have perfected the meaning. I think I learned the art, whether this is a flaw or not, when I was younger and my dad was sick. I was able to compartmentalize all areas of my life and ignore aspects when necessary. This came up a few weeks ago when I was talking to a friend who was in the middle of a marital argument (a rather beefy one) but wasn’t going to be at a place to have a good conversation with her husband for a day or two. My advice was for her to force herself to mentally drop it for the time being, enjoy the rest of her day, and then discuss it the following day. “But how do you just DROP It without DROPPING it?” She asked. “Well…I don’t know…you just compartmentalize I guess…”
This skill came in handy the last few weeks of Austin’s deployment. I already knew I would have to put aside my thoughts/feelings/excitement about his return so that I could get through the holidays, and I knew that once he was home I’d have to put on a different hat and turn into stealth tax accountant for awhile. (I didn’t know that 10 hours after he got home I’d begin 12+ straight days of 12 hour work days…timing is everything…) But I had these compartments. I had a holiday box in my brain, a redeployment box, a year end tax provision box…and I was able to open and close them interchangeably as needed. I wasn’t prepared for another box, though, and this one threw me for a loop.
Write in pencil.
It’s a common phrase among military spouses – I may have mentioned it before. I wrote our Jamaica trip in pencil. I wrote his return date in pencil (3 times before giving up). Write in pencil. Why? Because whatever you write is going to change.
Austin has always had this dream of being in the Special Forces group in the army. It’s what he joined for. I’ve gone back and forth on it as it can put a large strain on families, but last year before this deployment started when we discussed reenlistment I decided that for the next 10 years I could give him this dream. I do not have a career aspiration like this, and part of me envies that he does. I only wish I knew what I wanted to do/be. So if he does, why not let him? Sure there’s the danger and the separation and the strain and loneliness – but we can do it, and there’s danger lurking around every corner. So – I said go for it. Let’s do it.
The trade off? He agreed upon retirement that if I wanted to stay in Colorado forever we could. The plan we came up with was for Austin’s Sergeant Major to work on getting him into the 10th Special Forces Group while he was deployed, which is located at Fort Carson in Colorado Springs. We knew we may be in Denver a little while in between his return home and before there would be a slot open down there, but that was ok with us. Once Brian moved up here I was even more sold on going down there. I’m pretty sure William wouldn’t mind either.
But, two weeks before Austin got home that plan was erased and a new plan was written. He was given orders to be a platoon sergeant at the Defense Language Institute (DLI) in Monterey, CA. This is likely the first you’ve heard of this. Why? Because I tucked it away in a compartment in my brain, not to be revisited until other compartments had rid themselves of their tangled webs.
I needed to manage the holidays. I needed to be excited and festive and make the holidays fantastic – not just for William, but for myself. Then I needed to get ready for Austin to come home. I needed to be sure I had cereal and foods he likes in the house, beer in the fridge, his motorcycle keys wrapped up. I needed to make it look like I didn’t live like a lazy slob-person the ENTIRE year. I needed to enjoy my last week of special bonding time with our son. Then, I needed to welcome him home. I needed to let the world pause for a brief moment and focus on nothing other than going to the airport. Then, much sooner than I had hoped, I needed to focus on work. I needed to focus on thinking about accounting for income taxes as much as humanly possible – and I know you are drooling with envy.
But, now that I have cleared out each of those compartments (the lovely tax one not done but nearing the end) I can begin to revisit the one that has been hiding. The one I tucked as far away as possible and talked about as little as possible. The one that I wished would just disappear.
I know that being in the military means moving around. I know that it’s rare that a soldier would stay at one duty station as long as Austin has been at Buckley (almost 6 years!) I know that it is also a gamble as to whether or not you will get the assignment you ask for. I know that.
I also know that I wanted to stay in Colorado. I wanted to wake up and see the mountains for 3…5…10…an unnumbered amount of years. I wanted to live 10 minutes away from my brother. I wanted to be able to control my own destiny. I have friends and contacts in Colorado. I know the state, I know the cities, I know the politics…I’m comfortable here. I wanted to stay here.
But, there’s a flip side to that. If the option of Colorado Springs were not staring me in the face, there aren’t many military places that would be more appealing than where we are going. Sure the job market is scarce and housing is outlandish, but it is one of the most beautiful places in California. And besides my wish to stay here, I honestly can’t think of a military post to which I’d rather go. We contemplated fighting it. We thought about going through the process of trying to get it deleted and make it disappear, but then we realized that we are actually pretty lucky in what we were given. I have no interest in going to Europe. I have no interest (anymore) in going to Australia. I have limited interest in going to Hawaii. Austin would have interest in Florida, and I could learn to like it – but besides that, the options for army bases are pretty unappealing. I absolutely have no interest in living in Killeen, TX or backwoods Louisiana or countless other Podunk towns. And I definitely don’t want to go to North Carolina where soldiers deploy like it’s going out of style. In fact, at DLI there are no deployments. There are no possibilities of deployments. For the entire time Austin is stationed there, our only chance for separation is if he gets sent to an Advanced Leadership Course, which is required upon his next promotion. Beyond that, he’ll be home. We’ll be home.
Home won’t mean 1245 S Flatrock Cir anymore, and that breaks my heart. I’ll be sad to move out of our first house, our first home together, but that would be the case no matter where we’d move. Home won’t mean seeing snow capped mountains 9 months out of the year. Home won’t mean I get to see Brian at least once a week. Home won’t mean what I have grown accustomed to and am very happy with. But, home is where the heart is and for me – my heart is with William and Austin.
So, as Ruth said:
Where you go, I will go, and where you stay I will stay.
Austin is my home, and if he is in Monterey, CA then I will learn to love it there too.
- manda
The second thing to be learned about me is that I am a master of compartmentalization. If I didn’t just invent that word, it’s ok because I have perfected the meaning. I think I learned the art, whether this is a flaw or not, when I was younger and my dad was sick. I was able to compartmentalize all areas of my life and ignore aspects when necessary. This came up a few weeks ago when I was talking to a friend who was in the middle of a marital argument (a rather beefy one) but wasn’t going to be at a place to have a good conversation with her husband for a day or two. My advice was for her to force herself to mentally drop it for the time being, enjoy the rest of her day, and then discuss it the following day. “But how do you just DROP It without DROPPING it?” She asked. “Well…I don’t know…you just compartmentalize I guess…”
This skill came in handy the last few weeks of Austin’s deployment. I already knew I would have to put aside my thoughts/feelings/excitement about his return so that I could get through the holidays, and I knew that once he was home I’d have to put on a different hat and turn into stealth tax accountant for awhile. (I didn’t know that 10 hours after he got home I’d begin 12+ straight days of 12 hour work days…timing is everything…) But I had these compartments. I had a holiday box in my brain, a redeployment box, a year end tax provision box…and I was able to open and close them interchangeably as needed. I wasn’t prepared for another box, though, and this one threw me for a loop.
Write in pencil.
It’s a common phrase among military spouses – I may have mentioned it before. I wrote our Jamaica trip in pencil. I wrote his return date in pencil (3 times before giving up). Write in pencil. Why? Because whatever you write is going to change.
Austin has always had this dream of being in the Special Forces group in the army. It’s what he joined for. I’ve gone back and forth on it as it can put a large strain on families, but last year before this deployment started when we discussed reenlistment I decided that for the next 10 years I could give him this dream. I do not have a career aspiration like this, and part of me envies that he does. I only wish I knew what I wanted to do/be. So if he does, why not let him? Sure there’s the danger and the separation and the strain and loneliness – but we can do it, and there’s danger lurking around every corner. So – I said go for it. Let’s do it.
The trade off? He agreed upon retirement that if I wanted to stay in Colorado forever we could. The plan we came up with was for Austin’s Sergeant Major to work on getting him into the 10th Special Forces Group while he was deployed, which is located at Fort Carson in Colorado Springs. We knew we may be in Denver a little while in between his return home and before there would be a slot open down there, but that was ok with us. Once Brian moved up here I was even more sold on going down there. I’m pretty sure William wouldn’t mind either.
But, two weeks before Austin got home that plan was erased and a new plan was written. He was given orders to be a platoon sergeant at the Defense Language Institute (DLI) in Monterey, CA. This is likely the first you’ve heard of this. Why? Because I tucked it away in a compartment in my brain, not to be revisited until other compartments had rid themselves of their tangled webs.
I needed to manage the holidays. I needed to be excited and festive and make the holidays fantastic – not just for William, but for myself. Then I needed to get ready for Austin to come home. I needed to be sure I had cereal and foods he likes in the house, beer in the fridge, his motorcycle keys wrapped up. I needed to make it look like I didn’t live like a lazy slob-person the ENTIRE year. I needed to enjoy my last week of special bonding time with our son. Then, I needed to welcome him home. I needed to let the world pause for a brief moment and focus on nothing other than going to the airport. Then, much sooner than I had hoped, I needed to focus on work. I needed to focus on thinking about accounting for income taxes as much as humanly possible – and I know you are drooling with envy.
But, now that I have cleared out each of those compartments (the lovely tax one not done but nearing the end) I can begin to revisit the one that has been hiding. The one I tucked as far away as possible and talked about as little as possible. The one that I wished would just disappear.
I know that being in the military means moving around. I know that it’s rare that a soldier would stay at one duty station as long as Austin has been at Buckley (almost 6 years!) I know that it is also a gamble as to whether or not you will get the assignment you ask for. I know that.
I also know that I wanted to stay in Colorado. I wanted to wake up and see the mountains for 3…5…10…an unnumbered amount of years. I wanted to live 10 minutes away from my brother. I wanted to be able to control my own destiny. I have friends and contacts in Colorado. I know the state, I know the cities, I know the politics…I’m comfortable here. I wanted to stay here.
But, there’s a flip side to that. If the option of Colorado Springs were not staring me in the face, there aren’t many military places that would be more appealing than where we are going. Sure the job market is scarce and housing is outlandish, but it is one of the most beautiful places in California. And besides my wish to stay here, I honestly can’t think of a military post to which I’d rather go. We contemplated fighting it. We thought about going through the process of trying to get it deleted and make it disappear, but then we realized that we are actually pretty lucky in what we were given. I have no interest in going to Europe. I have no interest (anymore) in going to Australia. I have limited interest in going to Hawaii. Austin would have interest in Florida, and I could learn to like it – but besides that, the options for army bases are pretty unappealing. I absolutely have no interest in living in Killeen, TX or backwoods Louisiana or countless other Podunk towns. And I definitely don’t want to go to North Carolina where soldiers deploy like it’s going out of style. In fact, at DLI there are no deployments. There are no possibilities of deployments. For the entire time Austin is stationed there, our only chance for separation is if he gets sent to an Advanced Leadership Course, which is required upon his next promotion. Beyond that, he’ll be home. We’ll be home.
Home won’t mean 1245 S Flatrock Cir anymore, and that breaks my heart. I’ll be sad to move out of our first house, our first home together, but that would be the case no matter where we’d move. Home won’t mean seeing snow capped mountains 9 months out of the year. Home won’t mean I get to see Brian at least once a week. Home won’t mean what I have grown accustomed to and am very happy with. But, home is where the heart is and for me – my heart is with William and Austin.
So, as Ruth said:
Where you go, I will go, and where you stay I will stay.
Austin is my home, and if he is in Monterey, CA then I will learn to love it there too.
- manda
Jan 10, 2012
Where were you...
When Kennedy was shot?
When the towers fell?
When the Texans won their first playoff game?
I was….
At work.
Joy! I’ve been waiting a decade for the playoffs, and I didn’t see a single play. But that’s ok, because they were kind enough to win so that I can watch next week.
In other news – I’m still alive, if you were wondering. I’ve just worked 60 hours(and counting) in the last 6 days, but that’s ok. Yesterday was my low point – 14 hours solid – but I think I sort of see a little white dot way down yonder at the end of the tunnel. Think it’s a light? I’m holding out hope.
I have looooooooots to write about. Some fun, some not as fun, some surprising, and some boring. But until then…
GO TEXANS GO!!!
- manda
When the towers fell?
When the Texans won their first playoff game?
I was….
At work.
Joy! I’ve been waiting a decade for the playoffs, and I didn’t see a single play. But that’s ok, because they were kind enough to win so that I can watch next week.
In other news – I’m still alive, if you were wondering. I’ve just worked 60 hours(and counting) in the last 6 days, but that’s ok. Yesterday was my low point – 14 hours solid – but I think I sort of see a little white dot way down yonder at the end of the tunnel. Think it’s a light? I’m holding out hope.
I have looooooooots to write about. Some fun, some not as fun, some surprising, and some boring. But until then…
GO TEXANS GO!!!
- manda
Jan 5, 2012
Best bugs
I don't have much time here but I just have to share in my excitement about the reunion of my boys.
William did not go to the airport with me. Maybe he would have been ok - but I'm guessing he would have been cranky to be awake and then wouldn't have gone to sleep when we got home. So, this morning he got to be reunited with his dada.
It wasn't an instant connection. It took about 2 minutes. If that.
He tried playing shy at first, peering at dada over my shoulder while giggling with excitement. Austin tickled him and talked to him and tried to let him get comfortable in my arms before trying to hold him. But when I said 'do you want to go see dada?' he leaned out of my arms instantly and the grin on his face couldn't have been bigger.
When we were getting him dressed he climbed on Austin's lap to put his socks on and show dada his Percy train. Their mutual excitement was incredible. I tried getting a picture of their interaction and my flash had something blocking it so the picture isn't great, but their expressions are!
Then Austin said 'are we best buds william?' William said 'dada William best bugs'
Yup, best bugs.
- manda
William did not go to the airport with me. Maybe he would have been ok - but I'm guessing he would have been cranky to be awake and then wouldn't have gone to sleep when we got home. So, this morning he got to be reunited with his dada.
It wasn't an instant connection. It took about 2 minutes. If that.
He tried playing shy at first, peering at dada over my shoulder while giggling with excitement. Austin tickled him and talked to him and tried to let him get comfortable in my arms before trying to hold him. But when I said 'do you want to go see dada?' he leaned out of my arms instantly and the grin on his face couldn't have been bigger.
When we were getting him dressed he climbed on Austin's lap to put his socks on and show dada his Percy train. Their mutual excitement was incredible. I tried getting a picture of their interaction and my flash had something blocking it so the picture isn't great, but their expressions are!
Then Austin said 'are we best buds william?' William said 'dada William best bugs'
Yup, best bugs.
- manda
Jan 3, 2012
Timothy Tuesday
I have a sneaking suspicion that I won't be blogging tomorrow. I don't know when Austin will get in, but I have a feeling I will be juggling my heavy workload and my inability to focus, so I thought I should go ahead and get William Wednesday checked off my list. In case that's all I accomplish :)
I'd love to write about all of the amazing things that have happened with William over the last week or two, but his alphabet and counting and memory will just have to wait. I am feeling a bit nostalgic , being the end of a chapter for us, and have decided that instead I'll write about how much William has blessed me over the last 10-13 months.
The day we brought William home from the hospital I wanted to sing to him while I rocked him, but I had trouble thinking of songs that I knew in full. Of course I sang twinkle twinkle, Jesus loves me, and the spirit of aggieland...but I wanted to sing for hours and the next song that popped out of my mouth was the smile song. I'm sure it has a title and I'm sure I could go look it up, but if you're that curious you and google can have a chat. I just call it the smile song.
Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking...
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by
If you smile through your fears and sorrows, smile there may be tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through if you
Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying, smile, what's the use in crying
You'll see that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
My mom once said it was a sad song, and maybe you can look at it that way, but I think it's a happy song. It's a song about how things can be tough, but you can grin and bear it and that it will get better. And it was a bit of foreshadowing that it became my daily song to William as he later became that 'smile through fears and sorrows' for me.
There were days when I wasn't sure I'd make it out of the office without falling on the floor in tears. There were days when I didn't think I'd ever get out of bed. There were days when the pain and worry and frustration and loneliness and exhaustion were swarming and I felt like I was drowning. And the one consistent thing that happened on each of those days is that William was extra-William. Extra loving. Extra charming. Extra funny. Extra intelligent. Extra cuddly. Extra William.
Ive learned a lot through him. I didn't know I had as much patience as I've had as his mom. I didn't know I could make car noises. I didn't know I could give in on senseless arguments. I didn't know I could go hours without verbal communication and yet have the best time.
I was given the biggest blessing through one of my life's greatest challenges. I thought to myself a few nights ago, 'I never would have dreamed up a life in which I became a single parent without really being a single parent for an entire year'. I thought this after William fought with me about his dinner, jumped in the bath in his clothes, and threw the diaper and pj's across the room as he revolted against bedtime. But then, a few short minutes later, he asked me to read his moose book, zoo book, mismas light book, egg book(a classic in our house), and then after the lights were out he sweetly asked 'rock chair. Mommy songs'. At 16 months he no longer wanted his bedtime rocking, and I certainly was given no time to sing, but here was my almost 2 year old asking me to take him back to his infancy a bit and rock him as I sang.
Gladly.
Had Austin not been deployed, William and I would not have had the time to bond as much as we have. I'm not saying we wouldn't have had a fabulous year WITH austin, but the time together - alone - has been a special treat for our relationship. I got all the hugs, all the kisses, all the looks for approval...I got it all, and I cherished it all.
I am sure that this transition will be somewhat bumpy. I'm sure that if William likes how dada does something better than mommy, I'll be a little hurt. I'm sure if William favors mommy all the time, dada will have hurt feelings a little bit too. But, I'm sure William will absolutely enjoy as mommy and dada learn to do things in new ways together. New bed time, new breakfasts on the weekends, new train play, new cars watching...we will relearn and recreate our routine and patterns and rituals...and I can't wait.
But in my last night as a single parent, I didn't refuse William's first, second, OR third request to 'rock chair'. I read all the books he wanted to hear. I sang songs when he asked, stopped when he asked, and started again when he was tired of the silence. Our usual 20 minute bedtime routine became an hour and 20 minutes, and I soaked in every minute. I thanked God for the opportunity to be William's mommy. I told William repeatedly that he will never know how much he blessed what easily could have been the worst year of my life. He will never know the joy and the blessings he has given me. I promised him I'll tell him. I'll write it, read it, and tell it over and over...but he will never know.
Because of him I was able to light up my face with gladness, I did a fairly good job of hiding traces of sadness, and surely I now see the sun shining through.
Thank you William, and thank you God for your wonderful plan.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I'd love to write about all of the amazing things that have happened with William over the last week or two, but his alphabet and counting and memory will just have to wait. I am feeling a bit nostalgic , being the end of a chapter for us, and have decided that instead I'll write about how much William has blessed me over the last 10-13 months.
The day we brought William home from the hospital I wanted to sing to him while I rocked him, but I had trouble thinking of songs that I knew in full. Of course I sang twinkle twinkle, Jesus loves me, and the spirit of aggieland...but I wanted to sing for hours and the next song that popped out of my mouth was the smile song. I'm sure it has a title and I'm sure I could go look it up, but if you're that curious you and google can have a chat. I just call it the smile song.
Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking...
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by
If you smile through your fears and sorrows, smile there may be tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through if you
Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying, smile, what's the use in crying
You'll see that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
My mom once said it was a sad song, and maybe you can look at it that way, but I think it's a happy song. It's a song about how things can be tough, but you can grin and bear it and that it will get better. And it was a bit of foreshadowing that it became my daily song to William as he later became that 'smile through fears and sorrows' for me.
There were days when I wasn't sure I'd make it out of the office without falling on the floor in tears. There were days when I didn't think I'd ever get out of bed. There were days when the pain and worry and frustration and loneliness and exhaustion were swarming and I felt like I was drowning. And the one consistent thing that happened on each of those days is that William was extra-William. Extra loving. Extra charming. Extra funny. Extra intelligent. Extra cuddly. Extra William.
Ive learned a lot through him. I didn't know I had as much patience as I've had as his mom. I didn't know I could make car noises. I didn't know I could give in on senseless arguments. I didn't know I could go hours without verbal communication and yet have the best time.
I was given the biggest blessing through one of my life's greatest challenges. I thought to myself a few nights ago, 'I never would have dreamed up a life in which I became a single parent without really being a single parent for an entire year'. I thought this after William fought with me about his dinner, jumped in the bath in his clothes, and threw the diaper and pj's across the room as he revolted against bedtime. But then, a few short minutes later, he asked me to read his moose book, zoo book, mismas light book, egg book(a classic in our house), and then after the lights were out he sweetly asked 'rock chair. Mommy songs'. At 16 months he no longer wanted his bedtime rocking, and I certainly was given no time to sing, but here was my almost 2 year old asking me to take him back to his infancy a bit and rock him as I sang.
Gladly.
Had Austin not been deployed, William and I would not have had the time to bond as much as we have. I'm not saying we wouldn't have had a fabulous year WITH austin, but the time together - alone - has been a special treat for our relationship. I got all the hugs, all the kisses, all the looks for approval...I got it all, and I cherished it all.
I am sure that this transition will be somewhat bumpy. I'm sure that if William likes how dada does something better than mommy, I'll be a little hurt. I'm sure if William favors mommy all the time, dada will have hurt feelings a little bit too. But, I'm sure William will absolutely enjoy as mommy and dada learn to do things in new ways together. New bed time, new breakfasts on the weekends, new train play, new cars watching...we will relearn and recreate our routine and patterns and rituals...and I can't wait.
But in my last night as a single parent, I didn't refuse William's first, second, OR third request to 'rock chair'. I read all the books he wanted to hear. I sang songs when he asked, stopped when he asked, and started again when he was tired of the silence. Our usual 20 minute bedtime routine became an hour and 20 minutes, and I soaked in every minute. I thanked God for the opportunity to be William's mommy. I told William repeatedly that he will never know how much he blessed what easily could have been the worst year of my life. He will never know the joy and the blessings he has given me. I promised him I'll tell him. I'll write it, read it, and tell it over and over...but he will never know.
Because of him I was able to light up my face with gladness, I did a fairly good job of hiding traces of sadness, and surely I now see the sun shining through.
Thank you William, and thank you God for your wonderful plan.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Jan 2, 2012
In need of structure I think
William and I spent the last 12 days together. I had a FABULOUS time. I thanked God more times than I can count for allowing me to be the mommy to this amazing little boy. I thanked him for our special time together with no agenda and no obligations. I thanked him for making William so cuddly and loving and smart (ok brilliant) and hysterical. I thanked him over and over and over.
But this morning I was also very thankful that I could take him to school. I think he was missing his routine and his daily structure - and by the time yesterday rolled around he was clearly stir crazy.
There was no church for new year's day (anyone else find that odd???) so we went to kohl's to spend our $50 kohl's cash, grabbed a few groceries at target, then came home for the texans. In our 12 days together I believe William napped 6 days, and those naps started anywhere from 12:00 to 3:00...his school will surely be happy with me :)
Yesterday he was getting tired and cranky at 2:00 so I took him upstairs, read to him and laid him down. He didn't cry or fuss and just laid right down with doggie and dada. So 45 minutes later when I turned the baby monitor on and heard him quietly moving around his room(meaning he climbed out of the crib again) and listening to his yaya and papa book, I was shocked he was up. But he was quiet and I was working so I thought 'surely he will soon go to sleep'
But around 3:00 I heard him scream so I went up to see what was the matter...
I don't know how he managed to make this much of a mess without me hearing, but there was powder EVERYWHERE.
I assume he either breathed it in or it got in his eyes or somehow bothered him a that's what made him scream. So - instead of naptime we had cleaning time!
Right after he vacuumed he closed ME in his room, saying 'night night mommy' as he shut the door. I guess he wanted a little role reversal???
So I decided to turn Thomas on in my room while I did laundry, thinking that the only substitution for naptime is downtime. I brought a load of laundry in and laid it in the foot of the bed, then went and put the next load in. When I came back the laundry was no longer on the foot of the bed - he managed to move the entire pile underneath his pillow and lay back down, innocently watching Thomas.
At dinner time we had a bit of a fight because he didn't want 'agna' (lasagna) he wanted onions. Onions????!!! Yes, he repeatedly asked for onions. I didn't entertain this - i told him lasagna or nada, and he opted for 3 bites of lasagna then a temper tantrum then nada. But I wasn't about to give him onions. Ok maybe I would have just to prove a point, I just didn't have any :)
So - this morning when he asked to wear his paw print 'oberballs' and asked to see 'a-I-ana' (arianna) I knew he was glad to get back to the routine he knows so well. He was delighted to ride in Melvin 'to schooooooooool' and sit and eat his 'cheeios milk' and wait for arianna to show up.
We enjoyed our 12 days and I have plenty of stories to write about, but we are 2 peas in a pod when it comes to structure: we crave it and gladly welcome it and will be glad when we can finally have dada home and get back to our REAL routine.
- manda
But this morning I was also very thankful that I could take him to school. I think he was missing his routine and his daily structure - and by the time yesterday rolled around he was clearly stir crazy.
There was no church for new year's day (anyone else find that odd???) so we went to kohl's to spend our $50 kohl's cash, grabbed a few groceries at target, then came home for the texans. In our 12 days together I believe William napped 6 days, and those naps started anywhere from 12:00 to 3:00...his school will surely be happy with me :)
Yesterday he was getting tired and cranky at 2:00 so I took him upstairs, read to him and laid him down. He didn't cry or fuss and just laid right down with doggie and dada. So 45 minutes later when I turned the baby monitor on and heard him quietly moving around his room(meaning he climbed out of the crib again) and listening to his yaya and papa book, I was shocked he was up. But he was quiet and I was working so I thought 'surely he will soon go to sleep'
But around 3:00 I heard him scream so I went up to see what was the matter...
I don't know how he managed to make this much of a mess without me hearing, but there was powder EVERYWHERE.
I assume he either breathed it in or it got in his eyes or somehow bothered him a that's what made him scream. So - instead of naptime we had cleaning time!
Right after he vacuumed he closed ME in his room, saying 'night night mommy' as he shut the door. I guess he wanted a little role reversal???
So I decided to turn Thomas on in my room while I did laundry, thinking that the only substitution for naptime is downtime. I brought a load of laundry in and laid it in the foot of the bed, then went and put the next load in. When I came back the laundry was no longer on the foot of the bed - he managed to move the entire pile underneath his pillow and lay back down, innocently watching Thomas.
At dinner time we had a bit of a fight because he didn't want 'agna' (lasagna) he wanted onions. Onions????!!! Yes, he repeatedly asked for onions. I didn't entertain this - i told him lasagna or nada, and he opted for 3 bites of lasagna then a temper tantrum then nada. But I wasn't about to give him onions. Ok maybe I would have just to prove a point, I just didn't have any :)
So - this morning when he asked to wear his paw print 'oberballs' and asked to see 'a-I-ana' (arianna) I knew he was glad to get back to the routine he knows so well. He was delighted to ride in Melvin 'to schooooooooool' and sit and eat his 'cheeios milk' and wait for arianna to show up.
We enjoyed our 12 days and I have plenty of stories to write about, but we are 2 peas in a pod when it comes to structure: we crave it and gladly welcome it and will be glad when we can finally have dada home and get back to our REAL routine.
- manda
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