For This Child

I have written this post a thousand times in my head, and I just can't seem to get it quite right. There are so many pieces and so many angles and I can't seem to place them together perfectly.  So, now I'll sit fingers-to-keyboard and hope I have better luck this way.

For this child I have prayed...

Before our wedding, Austin and I went through a series of pre-marital counseling sessions with Father Tom, the priest who would marry us.  Father Tom has been a part of my family since I was a baby - maybe before I was born? - so he's known me and my journey along the way.  In one of our sessions when we were talking about the military side of our marriage, deployments and such, when Tom looked at Austin and said one of the most profound things he could have said.  I didn't even know, at the time, just how profound it was.  He told Austin that the single most significant experience in my life was my dad's illness and death and that, because of that, I would always link my future experiences to that one.  I knew he was right, I just didn't know to what degree.

About two months ago, after I had started my period for the 14th painful month in a row, my cousin said "I'm so sorry that God is saying 'not right now'."  Chelsea has been one of the most supportive people over the last year and she has offered me so much strength and wisdom, but when she said that I got so angry.  I was growing very tired of people saying things like "It's just not time yet" or "Soon you'll see, it'll be perfect in God's time" or something of that nature.  It wasn't that I didn't appreciate the support and encouragement.  What bothered me was that all of these people seemed to just blindly believe that I would be a mother of two (or more).  Everyone kept trying to assure me that certainly it would happen, and that I just needed to be patient.  And it was on this day, when Chelsea made that comment, that I realized I didn't have that same faith.  In my heart I really believed that this journey was a part of my life for a reason and it would serve a purpose but that, in the end, I would never have another child of my own.  Maybe we'd adopt, or maybe William would be an only child forever, but I really believed that God's plan was for me to not bear another child.  The reality of my belief brought a pain deep in my stomach like I hadn't felt in a long, long time.  It took a lot of prayer and soul searching for me to put a finger on exactly why I didn't believe I'd be blessed with another baby. 

About a week after Chelsea's comment it hit me:
In all my life, there is one thing for which I have prayed more than anything else.  My dad.  I learned how to pray through my dad's illness.  I learned what it meant to pray when you were sad, pray when you were happy, pray when you were worried, or scared, or joyful.  I learned what it meant to continue to rely on God in the good times and pray even harder in the bad.  And I have never prayed for one single thing more than my dad.  But, in the end, I learned the hardest lesson about prayer and reliance on God: his plan is not always our plan, and when he answers prayers it is not always in the manner which we'd hope.  I prayed he'd heal my dad and deliver my family from the struggle with cancer.  God answered that prayer, yet my dad was still not with me.  It took years to wrestle with that, and if I'm being honest that wrestling match will probably never be over.  There will always be times when I look back and wonder why 3 kids had to lose their dad when he was such a phenomenal parent.  Why my mom had to lose her husband.  Why my grandma had to lose her baby.  Why was that the answer to our prayers?  Why him?  Why not someone else?

Most days I don't ask those questions anymore, as I realize that God has a plan for all of us.  My dad did amazing things in his life and touched people in ways most never will.  He touched people through his cancer and his life has impacted the lives of people fighting cancer for decades to come.  And there are parts of my life which would never have been possible or worked out how they did had that not been God's plan.  God didn't  give me my heart's desire, but he did answer my prayers.  

And so I linked our fertility struggles to my dad's illness and death.  Just like Father Tom knew I would.  The thing I have prayed for more than any other, besides my dad, was to have a second baby and as time went on I began to believe that God's answer to my prayers would end up just like his answer to my prayers 16 years ago.  I would learn a lesson and maybe touch some lives, but my heart's desire would not be granted.

Oh ye of little faith.

If you don't already know, Austin and I are SO thrilled to share that we will be welcoming Wallis Baby #2 in June 2014. I used to wonder how I would ever love a baby the way I love William, but I have learned exactly how possible it is over the last 15 months.  Through endless prayers and aches in my heart a love began to grow long before a baby ever did.  And in some ways, I am more excited to announce my second pregnancy than I was to announce my first.  I don't love this baby any more than I loved William, but I sure did long for it more.  I'm excited to see William as a big brother, I'm excited to see Austin with another tiny baby, but most of all I can't wait for that moment when the nurse lays my sweet baby on my chest and I am able to thank God for his beautifully answered prayers.

Boy, girl…I truly, truly do not care. (although, if I was forced to choose, I think my choice would not be what most people expect it to be)  I love this baby with every ounce of my being and I am so thankful not only that God answered my prayers, but that He taught me this lesson along the way.