**may be a tough read**
You sat right next to me in your bright yellow shirt.
It felt like no time had passed. It just felt normal, and right, to be with you.
William had so much fun playing with you. You were as good with him as I'd always dreamed. I hope you don't mind that we didn't tell him who you really are; we thought it'd be too confusing for him. I wasn't prepared to explain why we can only see you at Relay for Life functions.
You accepted Alfredo with more grace than I knew you had. You accepted everything so perfectly.
After dinner when we got home I told Austin it just wasn't right that you had to live all alone, waiting for your next chance just to watch everyone else's lives go on. It wasn't fair that you had to watch It at all. I said I didn't care about the rules or the standards, I just thought we should go pick you up and let you stay with us during the seasons when we are lucky enough to have you.
You and your yellow shirt. Your shirt for those who lost their battle. Your shirt for those who come back to us just for certain occasions.
I got in my car to go back and get you. To invite you to stay in my house.
And then I woke up. Sobbing.
I don't know if it was pregnancy brain, the holidays, or the beast of grief just sneaking up when least expected. But I do know there's not much worse than being afraid to go back to sleep only because you know how much it may hurt to leave your dreams again. I wanted so badly to fall back asleep just to be with him again, and yet I was terrified of being with him and losing him one more time.
16 years and it can still hit me like a ton of bricks. It never goes away does it? I miss him now more than ever, and I'm guessing that will unfortunately be true 16 years from now too.
No comments:
Post a Comment