I'm starting this on Sunday (Nov 2) just as a reference to how long it may take before I finish it. I don't usually draft like that - it's usually a 15-30 minute quick thing, just write what I think and be done with it. But this one is just a little different.
I went back and forth on what I'd title this, once I knew I'd eventually write it. My first thought was 'well that wasn't supposed to happen' and next was 'oops'. Shortly after I began brainstorming the post another little 'well that wasnt supposed to happen' happened and then I realized that's just selling God short. Just because I didn't intend for something to happen doesn't mean it wasn't supposed to happen - God doesn't make mistakes. And then I realized that was a far better choice. So, are we ready now?
First, I'll start with our second 'mistake'. Austin and I have been thinking about and praying for our next army move for quite awhile. We thought we had a few ideas of what would be best overall considering our immediate family,our extended family, Austin's career and my career, and how we can serve God and his church. Those are a lot of factors to layer into one decision and we thought we had some good, solid ideas. We had narrowed it to 2 things: first, Austin was going to apply to get into a specialized intelligence group which would give us stability in our location for the duration of his time. If that didn't work out, we had 3 locations he was going to try and arrange. The top one on our list had something like 80 open spots for Austin's rank for 2015, so it seemed almost like a perfect shoe in as our back up plan. The group he applied for published an article, shortly after he submitted his application, saying they were accepting few, if any, people for 2015, and after that article came out he got an email letting him know he wasn't going to be sent further in the application process. Disappointed, but we didn't skip a beat and he emailed his branch manager about his next move, explained what he's done in his career and what he'd like to do. He's been on 3 deployments and never once been granted his assignment of choice, so I guess it seemed fair to me (not at all biased) for someone to grant him one now - especially with all the open slots.
A little army lesson for ya: Each job assignment in the army has a branch manager which is just a guy sitting at a desk whose sole job for 3 years is to assign duty stations. Or at least that's how I understand it. I don't know this, but I'd imagine he answers phone calls and emails nonstop from disgruntled soldiers wanting their orders changed or wanting special treatment. He probably hates his job, and he's probably equally hated by the people he assigns. He hears all about how much people hate their assignments and want them changed and whining like babies - sometims I wonder if he purposely doesn't grant requests just to spite people. Anyway. Point of that rant is - the response Austin got to his list of ideal locations and his plea for his preferences was 'spots available to you are in fort Lewis, fort Bragg, or fort hood.' No discussion, no negotiation, and no consideration of the spots we wanted. Didn't even acknowledge it had been written.
Fort Lewis is in Washington state and I've heard fantastic things about the base and most units there. Not to mention it's pretty and in an area of our country I've never travelled. But, it's rumored that the job available to him there involves a majority of time being spent away from home. So that was out. And then we started thinking about the 2 remaining options. Career-wise Austin thought fort Bragg (in North Carolina) may be a better choice and if he'd chosen it I would have been fine with his decision. It's no secret that while I'm proud of my Texas roots I'm not dying to get back to the heat. But the more we talked, the more Texas made a lot of sense. And by the end of the day I found myself in the most ironic twist of my life: I was actually verbally PREFERRING to move to Texas. And not just Texas...KILLEEN Texas. Not even a glamorous or enticing spot. For anyone who knew me in my "I want to explore north of here" days, this is probably just as shocking to you as it was to me.
I spent years dreaming of moving away and exploring a new location, and I was proud of our time spent out on our own. We love going back for vacations and visits, but I was pretty rock solid that I had no desire to live in the state of Texas again...at least not for another decade. Again, nothing against the place or the people - we absolutely love both - I just didn't see myself wanting to go back. As glamorous as our visits back can be sometimes, the truth is we've been gone a long time and not only have we changed in that time but so have the people we left behind. Going "back" isn't as simple as it sounds. At any other point in the last 9 years I think if Id heard the possibility of going to fort hood I may have gone back kicking and screaming. That just wasn't supposed to happen! That wasn't in our plans.
And yet, when it was all lined up and all things considered, I can honestly say I do not think there's anywhere (ok...maaaaaaybe Denver....) Id rather be. Seriously. Killeen Texas is, in this season of my life, the most perfect location. God knew that, and God knew neither Austin or I would ever have even mentally considered it if the scenario didn't play out how it did. So while I thought that wasn't supposed to happen, God doesn't make mistakes. He may not always give us what we want, but He always gives us what we need.
No, God doesn't always give us what we want, that's for sure. I wanted charles 18 months before I got him, but I (sometimes weakly) trusted that God had a perfect time for that. He would grant us the opportunity to raise another child when He decided it needed to happen, and of course He did. Charles lights up my life and there isn't a day when I don't look at him at least once and think 'God works perfectly in His time' as I thank Him for the gift. But, the first few months were a pretty big adjustment. Going from one kid to two is a huge change, and going from having a very independent kid back to a baby who needs something (all. The. Time.) is also a huge change. We knew it'd turn our world upside down and yet we weren't quite prepared. Or maybe we were as prepared as we could be, who knows. What I do know is we didn't feel settled into a normal life until charles was about 2.5 months old. All of a sudden our family felt normal. Our routine made sense. Things were back in order and we were loving living as a family of 4. Conversations about being done having kids circulated on occasion and though we hadn't made any concrete decisions to close that door, we weren't very convinced our one-time dream of a large family was going to be best. If anything, we did determine a bigger age gap is better than we had originally thought and from the looks of it I would have guessed charles would turn 3 before I'd potentially give birth again.
But God doesn't always give us what we want.
Just as God had a perfect time for Charles Archer, and just as his conception and birth was miraculous and from Him, God also had a perfect time for Charles to become a big brother and we are just sitting in the back seat while God leads us. In late September I began to notice little things that made me think "hmmmmmm" and when I came up 3 days late in my cycle (something that I wouldn't have batted an eye at 2 years ago) I was certain of the cause. As insane as it seemed in my head, I just knew...and I was right. $17, two tests, and a thousand tears later I called Austin to tell him we were having another baby.
I've known for just about 2 months now(ok 3 since it's now a month past when I started writing...) as I'm just about 3 (ok almost 4) months along, and I still don't quite have my head wrapped around the reality. A baby. Two babies. Two in diapers. Two under two. Two dependent, precious, loving, needy creatures at the same time. While I grieved a lot over the loss of Charles being my little baby for as long as I would have liked, and while I grieved a lot over the loss of the wine I had been reacquainting myself with, I am almost to the point of being excited for our upcoming bundle of joy. And now a month later I can actually say I am anxiously excited.
It won't be easy. I would imagine our transition into life as a family of 5 will be even harder than life as a family of 4. But that's part of the beauty of God's plans versus ours. He knew He had a third baby in His plans and He knew moving back to Texas would be the easiest way for us to adjust to that life. The move itself will be hard - no way around that. Moving 3 kids and 2 pets almost 2,000 miles across the country 2 weeks after a c-section in the HEAT OF THE SUMMER while preparing for kindergarten and a huge adjustment in our daily lifestyle won't be a piece of cake...and there's no way around that. But we are both so confident and at peace about the fact that this is God's most perfect plan for the Wallis family of 5 in 2015. And we are excited to get started!
So get ready for more lapses in writing and then random posts about moving struggles, grieving our goodbyes here, and heart wrenching comments from William like 'I wish we could live in this house forever'. It's all coming. 6 months is such a short time to uproot everything and start over, and yet it's such a long long time to have to slowly rip off a bandaid. Prayers for all of us are always welcome, and especially in this time of change.
But I can fall asleep each night knowing that even though God doesn't always give us what we want...even though William can't live in this house forever...God will always give us what we need. He doesn't make mistakes.
