William Wednesday from 2/8

I am going to try to catch up on the blogs that haven't been posted in the past few weeks. I'm not sure why my phone app isn't working...its becoming a big burden. So - here's WW from 2 weeks ago! I had a LOT of cute pictures in the original post, but they are all on my phone and not computer so you're just going to have to wait a little longer for that part. Until then...

How is it that I waited until FRIDAY to post William Wednesday? And on such an important week – what a shame! In my defense we have had some sort of sickness looming over our house like a dark cloud, and William shortened my workday yesterday with a little fever. He’s ok now – I think his body is still fighting whatever it was, but it doesn’t seem to be anything major. Just a run of the mill winter virus or something.

He had an awesome week though! And how couldn’t he? It was his birthday!!!

Thursday I did as promised: I went home promptly at 5:00 and make cake batter pancakes. For those of you wondering what that means, it’s a recipe for homemade pancakes that incorporates yellow box cake mix and rather than syrup they are glazed with a powdered sugar frosting. Ridiculously sweet.

It isn’t a secret that the day was rough for me and wasn’t an easy one to navigate through. But when I got home and was greeted with a huge hug, then got to sing happy birthday to this sweet face everything else just melted away. He has that way with me.

Speaking of the happy birthday song – he was a BIG fan of it. We tried telling him his birthday was coming up for 3-4 days prior to the actual day which resulted in him requesting “happy birday song” at bedtime. It was usually followed by “happy birday song gin” and again and again. He loooooves the happy birthday song. Before we devoured our cake batter pancakes we called both sets of grandparents and they sang to him. He sat happily, grinning ear to ear, as he was serenaded. He especially likes the part that references his name. It’s like he’s thinking “this is MY song”. Precious face.

We didn’t do much on his actual birthday, but we had a sweet birthday surprise in the form on a snow day on Friday. I think we got somewhere around 14 inches at our house and it all fell so fast that the city practically shut down. Goddard didn’t (they are saints I tell ya – that, or we pay them too much) and William wanted to go play with his friends when we gave him the choice. So after some playing in the snow and some special breakfast, he went to school from about 10-3. Gave us pleeeeeenty of time to buy far more for his birthday than planned. Initially we thought we’d get him a dvd. A DVD. That’s it. A new Thomas movie. We rationalized that between uncles and aunts and grandparents and friends (and Christmas which wasn’t even 2 months ago) that our son probably had far more than necessary and a DVD would suffice. But then we wandered down the toy aisle at walmart. Austin found a large size (what I refer to as Barbie sized) GI Joe which was “hero addition” and was an Army Gunner Sergeant. He’s dressed in real army gear and looks pretty accurate. Naturally William must have this. After we put that in our cart (our cart which was meant to hold cat food and bread) I said “oh lets go by the hot wheels aisle and see if they have the 18wheeler my mom wants to get him”. They didn’t have it – in case you’re wondering. But they did have LOTS of Thomas toys. Lots. Austin ripped some out of my hands as they were falling into the basket actually. We bought him a few and bought a train carrying case for my mom. Austin forced me to leave the aisle, but then I saw a Memory game. William has an iPhone game that has lots of mini-games in it and one of them is a classic memory game. He is AWESOME at it. So what better than a real memory game with sesame street characters? Plus It’s difficulty can be increased as he masters it. So…he didn’t get a movie after all, but we spent about $130 more than we had planned in walmart. Oops. Snow days are dangerous.

Saturday he got the day of his dreams. I really think this must be what his most sacred dreams are. We cooked breakfast together and played trains until Oh Gosh showed up. That in itself is a dream come true. Every time William hears katy-dog tromp in the house he squeals with excitement “oh GOOOOOOOSSHHHHH” and runs up for a hug. Sheer pleasure. Then, if that weren’t enough, oh gosh said the magic words when he asked “William, you wanna go see fish in the water”? “YEAH!!!!”. The adults were all hungry so we stopped at McAlister’s first and mommy failed at all attempts to teach good restaurant behavior. William was trying to perform for Oh Gosh and trying to convince dada to buy him a cookie, so my attempts at table manners and chewing and all of that fell on deaf ears. Austin’s words didn’t though.

Austin: “William, sit your butt down”

William: “No butt down”

Greeeaaaat. Oh gosh and dada laughed hysterically and William realized he had said something funny. Forever noted in his head.

After lunch (and cookies all around) we went to Fish in the Water. Have I told you where that is? That’s Bass Pro Shop. We all just refer to it as “fish in the water” because when you have a 2 year old you do whatever he wants you to. (hmm, maybe that’s just us? Sure sounds like a recipe for disaster…and a spoiled brat…) Anyway, the boys were in heaven…william saw fish, Austin saw guns, brian got camo floor mats…it all worked out. Brian and Austin were both especially proud when I offered William my phone to play his ‘monkey game’ and he said “no monkey game pink phone”. Even a stranger who overheard was proud of him. Testosterone just oozes in that store I guess.

After bass pro and a short little cat nap William was ready to party. Ready for snow, fire pits, hamburgers, the birthday song, Thomas cupcakes, and the best present of the night.

Oh Gosh got him a toy motorcycle that looks almost exactly like Austin’s bike. William refers to it as “dada bike WILLIAM bike baby jackl” because austin’s bike’s name is jackl. And it was almost like brian’s bike and austin’s GI JOE were made together because “army man” fits perfectly and every day for the past week I’ve heard “army man on William bike baby jackl”. I can’t move them off the coffee table (well I can, but when they instantly find their way back it becomes pointless) and there’s no sense in removing army man from the bike. William has decided they belong together.

So, William had as good of a birthday weekend as I could have hoped for. And better than I could have planned. We had so much fun and I already wish it was his third birthday. Wait, nevermind.

M.M.

Drum roll please…

I’ll be starting a new series for the next few months – Monterey Monday. I realize it's now Tuesday but there are some posting issues on the blog and I found out a few that I thought I posted (like this one) never came through. So- pretend its Monday. I think it’ll be a good place for me to organize my thoughts as well as answer questions that a lot of people ask and unfortunately no one gets answers to. I don’t have a lot of answers – people ask why I don’t have much to say about Monterey and its mostly because I don’t have many answers. Take your questions and multiply them by 1,000 and that’s where I am. Lots of questions, no answers. There’s not a lot to talk about because conversations go nowhere when they end in questions.

So, I decided I should start with what I do know. Start with what little information I have and maybe then I can navigate through the other parts. And, if not, Monterey Monday may just be short lived. Guess we’ll see.

First up: the ugly stick in the mud.

There are a lot of parts of moving that make me anxious. There are a lot of details that make me want to go drink a margarita with a beer and a shot of cointreau in hopes that I will soon forget there were ever details to begin with. None of them compare to my anxiety surrounding William’s day care. It’s no secret that I humbly believe I’m raising the most brilliant boy who ever walked the earth. Add to that his manners (most of the time) sweet charm and ability to play well with others… and on the list goes. While I love to brag that he’s just that brilliant and sweet and good natured all on account of genes, I do believe that his great natural abilities and character have been exemplified through a GREAT school. I believe very much in his school. And his teachers. I could go on all day about how much I value The Goddard School and though I may sometimes cringe at the thought of paying as much for day care as I do for my mortgage, I would probably pay more if I had to and were able to. I love it. I couldn’t do a better job myself, I know that much, and it has been so easy to leave him in the hands of such wonderful people so that I am able to work and help do the best for our family that I can.

There is no Goddard in Monterey, CA. There really are no daycares, from what I can see. There are quite a few preschools which look decent on their websites, but they start at age 3. So our limited options are: military on-post day care commonly referred to as CDC, I stay home with him, or we get there and miraculously find a day care. Flip a coin, I (dis)like every option about as much as the other.

For a minute, let me remind you why I do not like the option of being a stay at home mom. Sure, I’d LOVE the opportunity if it were more financially feasible. Who wouldn’t love to spend all day every day with a boy as wonderful as William? You’d be a fool. But if the cost of staying home is that we live paycheck to paycheck, have very little cash once bills are paid, can never go on vacation, can visit family MAYBE once a year if we’re lucky, and have to really count the pennies – I do not think that’s a good trade. I am very money conscious and have lofty financial goals. Goals that do not include having my current savings amount in my savings account 3 years from now. Plans that include contributing to William’s college fund as much as possible. Plans that include family vacations.

Plans that single-income enlisted military families are not able to do. The military has its perks, but salary is not on that list. 100% covered healthcare – that’s a perk. Good retirement if you make it 20 years – that’s a perk. Military discounts, cheap on-post shopping, the nice handshakes you receive from random passersby at restaurants and malls – those are all perks. And quite frankly, most soldiers don’t sign up for perks or salary anyway. But there is a lot of room for improvement in their income if you ask me.

So to be clear, I don’t work because I don’t want to spend time with my child or because I am just so selfish that I have high career aspirations. I think its pretty clear how I feel about my current career path, and the only reason I am on that path is to provide for my family in the way I think is best.

Taking the assumption that I can find a job (which is sure to be a topic in an upcoming Monterey Monday) then we remove the possibility of me staying home and our options are to hope there is a day care I’ve not found online or the military day care. While it’s great to hope for the best, I think the most realistic option here is that William will go to the CDC. I apologize in advance if what I’m about to write sounds judgmental or rude or like I’m up on a high horse – I am not disagreeing with you if that’s your opinion, but I do apologize for it.

I’ve never considered William going to the CDC here in Colorado. When we were pregnant and were slapped in the face with the cost of high-end day care centers we never once considered sending him to the CDC as a more cost efficient option. Because I did grow up with a mom who was fortunate and able to stay home I never experienced day care and my only association with day care were the rumors from kids at school. Austin did go to day cares, having had a single mom who worked two jobs to support her family of three, and I have heard both of their horrible stories from subpar centers. So making a “cost efficient” choice was never an option in my head. William was going to go to a school where I felt he was going to be loved and educated and happy. If we were able to afford it – even if it required sacrifices in other areas – it was going to happen. Luckily God provided us with the means to take William to a place which I thank him for every day. Literally, I thank God for the ability to take William to Goddard every day in my prayers. I have gotten somewhat snobby in my opinion of other places, and I’m ok with admitting that. I’m ok with admitting that I am very proud of taking William to what my friend Jen refers to as “the Harvard of day cares” and I will gladly brag about its benefits. I’d much rather be called things like proud and snobby and materialistic and any other opinion that could be made than have him in a more “cost efficient” place that is more in line with the traditional thought of “day care”. I don’t want him to go somewhere with teachers who are there simply because it’s a job. I don’t want him to go somewhere that fills the time with useless playing and mindless activities. I love that he is being TAUGHT and EDUCATED and I don’t want to give that up.

Maybe God has different plans for me, that is certainly a possibility. Maybe God wants me to stay home with William. Maybe God wants to transform my financial goals and anxiety related to our financial security and financial future. Maybe. I’d like to think God knows me better than that and doesn’t want me to have anxiety attacks related to choose whether or not we can have a gourmet home cooked meal versus macaroni and cheese, but maybe He knows me in a way that those anxiety attacks can shape me in a way I’ve never imagined. He is powerful and can move mountains, so if He has a plan that involves this I will certainly do my best to trust and listen. But for now, I’m assuming that’s not his plan and that His plan is for William to continue to go to day care. Maybe His plan here is to change my closed minded view of the CDC. Maybe the teachers there love their kids just as much. Maybe the kids are well educated. Maybe it isn’t as bad as I have made it out to be. Maybe God wants to give me an ego check and show me that just because it isn’t Harvard doesn’t mean it’s bad.

Either way, I think God has some plans with where we’re going – I can feel it. From the sermons at church repeatedly speaking to me, to other messages and overall feelings I get – I really think He is doing some work in us right now. Whether he has a new plan for what we thought we wanted for our family, my career, William’s day-care or an overhaul all together is yet to be known. But I am doing my best to trust that His plan is (as always) the better plan and that the last thing I need to do is waste time worrying about the CDC.

Jesus fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish; surely he has great plans for my baby who he loves more than I can even comprehend.

- manda

Ummm not cool

So apparently my little iPhone app I use to blog isn't working. I've posted a few since my 'poses' post and apparently they don't show up. I will be on this problem like white on rice. Later. Not now. So not quite white on rice but almost.

Poses

Pronounced like “purses” except remove the “ur” and make it an O. Not to be confused with what someone does when being photographed.

When I was little I used to play poses – which meant I grabbed one of my many purses and walked around the house filling it up with random things. Then I’d move it all from one purse to another and continue the game. It was a running joke that if something in the house was missing you would find it in the bin under my bed where my purses were all stashed. I never really grew out of the fetish, though I no longer randomly walk around hacking things off the coffee table never to be found again. Now I just play poses every couple of days, rotating between either the purse that best matches my outfit or one of my favorite purses – whichever is more fitting.

The point here is that I love purses – always have. I mostly love small purses, though bigger ones have found their way into my life. I like unique (read: weird) purses like the ones that look like Chinese takeout containers or the ones make of cigar boxes. I like patterned purses and colorful purses and purses that are a little more “out there” than the rest of my personality. Another appealing feature: pockets. The more pockets the better, and if they are hidden or secret or elusive in any way it’s like a bonus. My least favorite purses in my collection are the solid brown and solid black ones – just too plain for me. I prefer to leave that adjective to describe my wardrobe.

So I’m sure you can guess that I am not really what you’d call “in need of” a new purse. Certainly not in need of a new brand to follow! While Coach is sliding off my radar (for reasons I will not publicly announce) I still hold strong to my liking for Fossil, Nine West, Brighton, and other miscellaneous purses that just put a twinkle in my eye. I don’t really NEED another brand to ooo and aahhh over or add to my Christmas list.

But I found one!

I was at Macy’s shopping for a friend’s birthday and I passed by the clearance table in the purse section. Complete accident. I didn’t have to walk past the check out to get there at all. And there I saw it. A table with a collection of bright colored, somewhat oddly shaped purses of all sizes with a name I’d never heard before: Kipling. They have solid colors, stripes, weird patterns, dark colors, bright colors…they are not afraid of the color wheel that’s for sure. And, to add to their allure, they each have a cute little monkey keychain attached. By “cute” I more mean “odd and kind of ugly but in the cutest of ways” – most important part here is that it’s just a unique little trademark. My downfall. They are more sporty and outdoorsy, not quite the type of purse you’d take on a job interview or probably not even to work, but I love them! They had iPad cases, camera cases, small purses, big purses, travel totes, wallets, etc. A little empire settled at the corner of the purse section.

Luckily, stronger than my urge to drool over purses is my inability to take the plunge and actually BUY myself a purse. That’s right. I don’t buy purses. I just love them to a degree that spurs other people to buy them for me. It’s either that I’m that great of a manipulator, or they just love the sparkle in my eye when I see a new one. (like the AMAZING one I got for Christmas that is oh so me and another brand of which I’d never heard that is ALSO now on my radar) I’m not being greedy – I don’t really expect it – I just can’t seem to do it for myself. If it’s cheap ok sure, but did you see the names of the brands I generally gravitate to? Not often do I find one that is cheap enough for my wallet. So, I grabbed the cutest little wallet (that is my entire purse today) marked down from $25 to $11 and walked out gazing longingly the entire way.

Here she is – my wallet/purse of the day…









Great pocket structure don’t you think? $11 well spent.

Don’t worry though. I was sure to drill the name into Austin’s head. And now yours.
www.kipling-usa.com
Just in case you're bored.



- manda

I almost forgot

I’ve been in the business of grieving for 14 years now. I won’t even get started on how unreal it is that it’s been that long. I tend to think I know a thing or two about grief, or at least how it works with me, and rarely does it perplex me. It may sneak up on me and surprise me, but I generally understand how or why. Silly me to think I was the puppet master.

Last weekend I woke up in the middle of the night after having a bad dream about my dad. I was at William’s school dropping him off and when I walked out of the front door to go to work I saw my dad and Austin walking towards the school. I was so excited that they were there and I immediately thought of how ecstatic William would be to see them, but they were both smoking (which neither of them do/did besides an occasional cigar for Austin). I was so angry so I yelled at them and left. After leaving I told myself “how stupid of me to get mad at them for smoking…I never get to see my dad, why waste the opportunity being mad over something dumb?” But when I turned around to go back they were gone.

Just like that. He was there and moments later he was gone. I didn’t hug him, I didn’t kiss him, I didn’t even talk to him. Without thinking twice or batting an eye I drove off.

I woke up angry. I would give my left leg to hug my dad, and I had the opportunity at a virtual hug and walked away. I know that must sound odd – a virtual hug – but sometimes the happy dreams leave me feeling just a little bit closer. The opposite is unfortunately true as well. This isn’t the first time I’ve had a sad or unsettling dream about him, and usually I wake up telling myself “don’t worry, your mind is just playing tricks on you because his birthday is next week”. Or father’s day or some other significant day. Reminding myself of that doesn’t make the dream any easier to swallow, but it makes logical sense and I’m able to let it go. But this time I just woke up angry. I was angry at myself all day! How could I do that? How stupid and stubborn to just walk away…and I’ll never get it back.

I was angry at myself the next day too. Being left with “if only’s” and “I should have’s” is the worst. (ask Jacoby Jones and the Houston Texans). But never once did it occur to me that the reason behind the unsettling dream was this fourteenth anniversary of his death looming in front of me. It wasn’t until I wrote my blog yesterday about William’s birthday that I realized what else was lurking in the shadows. The dark knight that I think may forever haunt me on my baby’s special day.

My mom asked me to help her find the scripture about God turning our mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11) because she is going to use it in a few weeks in reference to William’s birth. God did turn our mourning into dancing and gave us something to celebrate on this day. 2 years ago I would have paid someone to make his birthday February 1 or 3, but I am so thankful that God knew better and gave me the most amazing reason to celebrate. I’ll dance. I’ll celebrate. I’ll make cake batter pancakes for his special dinner and maybe even have some balloons. But my mourning isn’t gone. It just hides for a little bit and doesn’t take prominence in the way it once did.

He is gone. My mourning isn't.


- manda

How rude of me

I didn't share one picture!



This was before church on Sunday. Studly huh?

- manda

729

William is 729 days old today!!! That means tomorrow is his second birthday – and I am so excited! We don’t have any big plans, I’m just excited to celebrate the blessing that he has been and the best 2 years of my life. I was hoping to make cake batter pancakes for breakfast but Austin has to leave at 6:00am so I will take William on a breakfast date, Austin is going to try to meet him for lunch, then we will have cake batter pancakes for dinner. Nothing wrong with a plate of sugar for dinner right? Calories net to zero on your son's birthday I think. But that's tomorrow - this is supposed to be about his week!

He is a busy, busy boy. When does one transition from being called a “toddler” to a “little boy”? I think he might be there. He doesn’t do much toddling…he runs and LOVES to jump and climbs and plays like a boy. He even zones out when playing with his hot wheels and is unaware of anything around him. It’s unreal!

He’s so silly. Are all kids silly? I imagine they are in their own way. I imagine they all just do random weird silly stuff all the time, and I don’t understand how parents aren’t just cracking up all the time. Last night I was cooking and I heard him say “William upside down” then Austin started laughing. I went in the living room and saw William with his head on the floor and his butt sticking up in the air. So naturally, like any normal person would, I turned upside down so that we were looking at each other through our legs. He thought it was the most awesome thing and started asking mommy and daddy to be “upside down”. AH, the things people do for kids. I’m sure any onlookers may have gotten a good kick out of the sight through our window!

He also still likes to talk about “all the buddies” in his bed. One night he wanted to lay in our bed and watch cars after his bath. Usually we go straight to his room for bedtime, but one of his parents was feeling especially nice and cuddly, and it might have been the parent who missed the last year. Not pointing fingers. Anyway, we were hoping we could all lay there calmly and watch cars, then he’d fall asleep at some point. But really all that happened was his excitement grew and he only got more and more hyper. At one point he climbed off our bed, ran into his room, and the next thing I saw was a little bitty boy carrying a pillow pet bigger than himself, a miniature Thomas pillow pet, doggie, dada, and blanket. He threw them all on the bed and yelled “ALLL THE BUDDDDIEESSSS”. We – again – cracked up.

His speech is improving – and I can’t decide if I’m proud or sad. I’m always proud when his vocabulary grows, but I like all of his little pronunciations of words. And we officially have no more “wawee”. We have “wata”. No R at the end, but closer than wawee, and I’m a bit saddened by this. He also pronounces Reagan perfectly, as opposed to rere or reban (the previous 2 names) and his last name has changed from WaWus to Wallis. Yes, sad day.

This morning we made a few phone calls on our way to school. First, Yaya called while I was waking him up so we called her back and he entertained her for a bit. Then we called uncle Brandon for his birthday but he was being shy. When asked to say “hi uncle Brandon” and “happy birthday” and “see ya” he didn’t speak a word. But when I said “can you say anything?” he said “anything”. Ah, the stubbornness. After we talked to Brandon we talked to Papa and he at first got the silent treatment too, then all of a sudden William was talking up a storm. Talking about playing with ice in the water (a game Papa invented where William throws ice into Papa’s pool) and talking about Reagan going to Papa’s house. Then he saw 2 balloons and said “2 balloons. One two three four five six seven eight nine TEN”.

William is getting a little pickier in his eating. I know it is normal for his age, but its pretty frustrating! He used to eat anything and now he is finicky about textures, has preferences at different times…can’t keep up. Last night he was enjoying our gourmet dinner of homemade tostadas and halfway through he said “no tada peanut butter lelly sanich”. I think he’s decided that if he doesn’t want what we’ve made for dinner he should have a pbj sandwich. On occasions when I’m trying to get him to eat something bizarre or that I think he truly may not like, I’m ok with that. But when he has just gobbled up half of his dinner, and I KNOW he loved refried beans and cheese, I don’t think he needs to switch meals. I think this may be a source of tension in the coming months/years…

I’m stunned every day at the words/phrases he picks up on and I’m sure I’m leaving some out. But when you’re raising a baby genius, it’s kind of hard to keep up with all of the updates. I’m so thankful for the beautiful, healthy, happy, smart baby I was given – though with the amount of love I have for him, I’m guessing I’d be equally thankful regardless of his traits. Guess that’s what mommy-hood is all about.


- manda