Good riddance.
One more month down, less than 3 to go.
We can do it!
- manda
Sep 30, 2011
Sep 28, 2011
Wanna cry with me?
This title is my warning to those who asked for tissue-notices.
sometimes the human mind works in the most peculiar ways. Sometimes things that seem to just go together logically don't really process together mentally...and it's just odd and slightly unfair.
First, I had a slight meltdown on Tuesday when I was asked what William will be getting for Christmas. I didn't have a meltdown because of the fact that I don't know - I mean hello I have almost 3 months. I had a meltdown because for the first time it occurred to me that I'll be shopping alone.
I know what some of you may be thinking:
~you'd love to go with me!
--while i do appreciate the offer, it's like sugar free ice cream. Great intentions but purpose not fulfilled.
~Austin and I can shop online together
~we could just buy his present/s after Christmas and probably get better sales
Ok - I know all of those make sense. But that's not the point. Me and Austin should be shopping together, and somehow when I was throwing a hissy fit over his one month extension my mind never travelled to the topic of Christmas shopping. I thought about Christmas day and our anniversary and Christmas decorating and Christmas eve church. But not shopping. And it's not fair! I was done with my fits! I was being a big girl! I was sucking it up! Why did my brain have to omit that part only to revisit it later?
But that's not why we are crying. That's just the first example of how my brain deceived me this week.
Second came tonight when I was at Austin's uncle's viewing. I'd never been to a viewing. I didn't know how it'd feel or what I'd think or even how I'd act.(I also apparently didn't know what the appropriate attire was) What I REALLY didn't know was what little tricks my mind would play on me unrelated to uncle frank.
My mom sent me a picture of Brian and William in her pool and in the small thumbnail version in the text, before I maximized it on the screen, my heart skipped a beat and I had to blink twice. I saw my dad. My dad was holding my son. And once my vision cleared enough for me to realize it was Brian, my brain realize something else too. I won't ever see that. Ever.
Just like the Christmas shopping realization, this should have come earlier in my grief. I knew he wouldn't ever get to be a grandfather. I grieved that loss long before I was married. But what my brain hadn't processed was that in his not being a grandfather, that meant I'd never see him hold my baby.
I know it sounds the same. I know it is the same. But somehow my mind split the two. When I saw that picture of my dad holding William in the pool, it seemed so right. It seemed like a scene I'd seen many times before.
I guess that must have been in my dreams. Just before blink number three I realized the truth and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Or a Mack truck. Or how I hope mario Williams hits ben rothelisberger this weekend. Or all three at once.
It's not fair! None of it is fair! I don't want to shop by myself or online or with an Austin substitute. I didn't want to stand in a room tonight fielding the same deployment questions over and over, eaves dropping on people talking about what life must be like for an army wife with a toddler. (if you wanna know- just ask! Or read my blog...you'll learn more that way) I don't want to go to Austin's uncle's funeral Tomorrow without him. And I don't want to accept that my dad will never hold my son.
I don't want to.
If I kick and scream enough will it go away? I don't have a better blog-conclusion than that. It just needs to go away.
Grief is a funny beast. And even after 13 years, when you think you're a pro, it'll sneak up and bite you when you least expect it.
- manda
sometimes the human mind works in the most peculiar ways. Sometimes things that seem to just go together logically don't really process together mentally...and it's just odd and slightly unfair.
First, I had a slight meltdown on Tuesday when I was asked what William will be getting for Christmas. I didn't have a meltdown because of the fact that I don't know - I mean hello I have almost 3 months. I had a meltdown because for the first time it occurred to me that I'll be shopping alone.
I know what some of you may be thinking:
~you'd love to go with me!
--while i do appreciate the offer, it's like sugar free ice cream. Great intentions but purpose not fulfilled.
~Austin and I can shop online together
~we could just buy his present/s after Christmas and probably get better sales
Ok - I know all of those make sense. But that's not the point. Me and Austin should be shopping together, and somehow when I was throwing a hissy fit over his one month extension my mind never travelled to the topic of Christmas shopping. I thought about Christmas day and our anniversary and Christmas decorating and Christmas eve church. But not shopping. And it's not fair! I was done with my fits! I was being a big girl! I was sucking it up! Why did my brain have to omit that part only to revisit it later?
But that's not why we are crying. That's just the first example of how my brain deceived me this week.
Second came tonight when I was at Austin's uncle's viewing. I'd never been to a viewing. I didn't know how it'd feel or what I'd think or even how I'd act.(I also apparently didn't know what the appropriate attire was) What I REALLY didn't know was what little tricks my mind would play on me unrelated to uncle frank.
My mom sent me a picture of Brian and William in her pool and in the small thumbnail version in the text, before I maximized it on the screen, my heart skipped a beat and I had to blink twice. I saw my dad. My dad was holding my son. And once my vision cleared enough for me to realize it was Brian, my brain realize something else too. I won't ever see that. Ever.
Just like the Christmas shopping realization, this should have come earlier in my grief. I knew he wouldn't ever get to be a grandfather. I grieved that loss long before I was married. But what my brain hadn't processed was that in his not being a grandfather, that meant I'd never see him hold my baby.
I know it sounds the same. I know it is the same. But somehow my mind split the two. When I saw that picture of my dad holding William in the pool, it seemed so right. It seemed like a scene I'd seen many times before.
I guess that must have been in my dreams. Just before blink number three I realized the truth and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Or a Mack truck. Or how I hope mario Williams hits ben rothelisberger this weekend. Or all three at once.
It's not fair! None of it is fair! I don't want to shop by myself or online or with an Austin substitute. I didn't want to stand in a room tonight fielding the same deployment questions over and over, eaves dropping on people talking about what life must be like for an army wife with a toddler. (if you wanna know- just ask! Or read my blog...you'll learn more that way) I don't want to go to Austin's uncle's funeral Tomorrow without him. And I don't want to accept that my dad will never hold my son.
I don't want to.
If I kick and scream enough will it go away? I don't have a better blog-conclusion than that. It just needs to go away.
Grief is a funny beast. And even after 13 years, when you think you're a pro, it'll sneak up and bite you when you least expect it.
- manda
Sep 23, 2011
Isn't it ironic
8 hours ago I blogged and I was feeling good. Rosie was back and we were ready to tackle the next three months with grace and charm and all other admirable qualities. We. Were. Pumped.
5 hours later I had to do one of the hardest things a family member of a deployed soldier has to do. I had to tell Austin that a family member had passed away.
I delivered this news to Brian when mimi passed away, and those are honestly the 2 hardest things I've done.
It's hard enough to pass that news on to someone. But to listen to silence on the other end of a crackling phone connection; to hear what sounds like the sniffles of someone trying not to cry; to have to say 'I'm sorry' and yet feel the words are so empty; to know that they don't have someone to hug or cry with or lean on. The phone call ends and they have to go back to a world that is so foreign to me.
People shouldn't have to be strong when they hear of a loved one's passing. People shouldn't be alone. Austin should be able to lean on me and rely on me, and he should be able to have William warm his heart the way he did mine after mimi passed.
This isn't right. It isn't fair. It isn't fun.
This isn't what me and Rosie agreed to when we reunited last night. But, again I note - it's impossible to not see that God's timing is impeccable. It took me far too long to snap out of my post R&R blues, but it wasn't a minute too late. He knows.
And so I know that Austin isn't alone. I know that Jesus can wrap his arms around him and hold him tighter than I could. I know God is in charge and he has a plan. And I know that God will show me how best to support and honor my husband, though it's not how I think it should be.
So I'll flex my muscles, I'll put my game face on, I'll be strong and be supportive and be whatever he needs. And I know that will be more than enough.
- manda
5 hours later I had to do one of the hardest things a family member of a deployed soldier has to do. I had to tell Austin that a family member had passed away.
I delivered this news to Brian when mimi passed away, and those are honestly the 2 hardest things I've done.
It's hard enough to pass that news on to someone. But to listen to silence on the other end of a crackling phone connection; to hear what sounds like the sniffles of someone trying not to cry; to have to say 'I'm sorry' and yet feel the words are so empty; to know that they don't have someone to hug or cry with or lean on. The phone call ends and they have to go back to a world that is so foreign to me.
People shouldn't have to be strong when they hear of a loved one's passing. People shouldn't be alone. Austin should be able to lean on me and rely on me, and he should be able to have William warm his heart the way he did mine after mimi passed.
This isn't right. It isn't fair. It isn't fun.
This isn't what me and Rosie agreed to when we reunited last night. But, again I note - it's impossible to not see that God's timing is impeccable. It took me far too long to snap out of my post R&R blues, but it wasn't a minute too late. He knows.
And so I know that Austin isn't alone. I know that Jesus can wrap his arms around him and hold him tighter than I could. I know God is in charge and he has a plan. And I know that God will show me how best to support and honor my husband, though it's not how I think it should be.
So I'll flex my muscles, I'll put my game face on, I'll be strong and be supportive and be whatever he needs. And I know that will be more than enough.
- manda
She's back!
I apparently left Rosie in San Diego where she must have enjoyed herself a little too much because she took a lot longer to come back home than I did.
It took me awhile to re-find my motivation and attitude and drive after Austin left. I just plain didn't want to! I didn't want to wash dishes and make lunches every night. I didn't want to workout, I didn't want to read, I didn't want to write, I didn't want to work. What did I want to do?
I wanted to be with my husband.
But, this week I've slowly been back to normal and I can happily say I finally feel the way I did bak in July. Whew, I was getting a little worried that I wouldn't ever get back there!
The biggest sign that I'm back: I'm playing mission organization in our garage.
We have a normal 2 car garage...the kind that could maybe squeeze in 2 cars if there were nothing else in it. (or if you drove 2 honda civics or something)
There isn't extra space on the sides or at the back like I've seen in some, so it's always been a struggle to keep it organized, store everything we need, and still have room for my trailblazer. But, since TB has been gone for 7 months the garage has exploded. Austin has more tools than home depot, we have enough golf clubs for a 4some and one extra, we have tons of lawn chemicals (which come on, we never use), pet supplies, paint galore, camping gear, a ping pong table, a heavy bag, and other random stuff which seems to just appear out of nowhere. We've also received a lot of bulky hand me down toys for William that are a little old for him, yet can't fit in the crawl space or house. So - they've been sitting out in the open collecting dust and grass and random crap that I've dropped and never picked up.
That time is done. Expy (the name for my explorer until I finalize her real name) deserves better. So, away I went.
I've spent one hour the past 3 nights Cleaning and categorizing, moving things around, making piles for goodwill and for the crawl space, making a pile for 'where the H will this go?' and...the best part...finding that I DID have one more place in the house I could paint. (silly me thought I was done!) I used the spare maroon paint from the office and painted the stairs that lead to the kitchen. They were an ugly dingy blue before with brown and black stains (somehow there were printed words that seemed to have peeled off something else????) But now they are happy and maroon, and soon will be happier when I add white stickers that say gig 'em or howdy or aTm. Still deciding on that one.
But it seems that's where I found her. She was hiding in the clutter, just waiting for my organizational itch to bother me enough to get me back on my feet.
Feels good to be back. And in 3 more months I can send her on her way for good. Or for awhile :) September has been as gruesome as February was, but I'm about to kick it to the curb and welcome October with open arms and lots of pumpkins adorning my house. Happy first day of fall :)
- manda
It took me awhile to re-find my motivation and attitude and drive after Austin left. I just plain didn't want to! I didn't want to wash dishes and make lunches every night. I didn't want to workout, I didn't want to read, I didn't want to write, I didn't want to work. What did I want to do?
I wanted to be with my husband.
But, this week I've slowly been back to normal and I can happily say I finally feel the way I did bak in July. Whew, I was getting a little worried that I wouldn't ever get back there!
The biggest sign that I'm back: I'm playing mission organization in our garage.
We have a normal 2 car garage...the kind that could maybe squeeze in 2 cars if there were nothing else in it. (or if you drove 2 honda civics or something)
There isn't extra space on the sides or at the back like I've seen in some, so it's always been a struggle to keep it organized, store everything we need, and still have room for my trailblazer. But, since TB has been gone for 7 months the garage has exploded. Austin has more tools than home depot, we have enough golf clubs for a 4some and one extra, we have tons of lawn chemicals (which come on, we never use), pet supplies, paint galore, camping gear, a ping pong table, a heavy bag, and other random stuff which seems to just appear out of nowhere. We've also received a lot of bulky hand me down toys for William that are a little old for him, yet can't fit in the crawl space or house. So - they've been sitting out in the open collecting dust and grass and random crap that I've dropped and never picked up.
That time is done. Expy (the name for my explorer until I finalize her real name) deserves better. So, away I went.
I've spent one hour the past 3 nights Cleaning and categorizing, moving things around, making piles for goodwill and for the crawl space, making a pile for 'where the H will this go?' and...the best part...finding that I DID have one more place in the house I could paint. (silly me thought I was done!) I used the spare maroon paint from the office and painted the stairs that lead to the kitchen. They were an ugly dingy blue before with brown and black stains (somehow there were printed words that seemed to have peeled off something else????) But now they are happy and maroon, and soon will be happier when I add white stickers that say gig 'em or howdy or aTm. Still deciding on that one.
But it seems that's where I found her. She was hiding in the clutter, just waiting for my organizational itch to bother me enough to get me back on my feet.
Feels good to be back. And in 3 more months I can send her on her way for good. Or for awhile :) September has been as gruesome as February was, but I'm about to kick it to the curb and welcome October with open arms and lots of pumpkins adorning my house. Happy first day of fall :)
- manda
Sep 21, 2011
William Wednesday
I've learned so much about William this week! The sum of all of it is that William has a lot more of me in him than I knew, and most of the traits that came out this week aren't my most admirable :)
We had a blast this week. Patty came to visit this weekend and to say William had a crush would be an understatement. He even developed a special face just for patty. She loved it, he knew it, and he milked it. Anytime I'd say 'William can you say patty?' he'd just tilt his head sideways and give her his special patty-look.
He also quickly learned how to get patty wrapped around his finger. Anytime he made a whimper she was there to give him whatever he needed. (ahem: wanted) all I can say is - patty, where are you now?!
Brian came up on Sunday for football and lawn mowing and he showed up just in time. William was having trouble being content with anything but once we opened the door and saw Katy barreling in and Brian a few steps behind, he was singing a new song. He loved cuddling with Brian on the couch and yelling 'go go go go go go'. That's his new cheer this week :)
But once patty and Brian were gone was when I began seeing myself in William. We both had a tough time saying bye to them and were both a little blue that evening. William has developed a little bit more separation anxiety lately which I hear comes as they near 2, and I knew that we had an empty calendar for the next few weeks so we both were sad to have an empty house.
Then Monday I saw William throw a fit of all fits. I could throw a fit in my heyday (not saying my heyday is over) and he rivaled me for sure. Everything was wrong. He was mad I got him out of bad. Irate at the thought that I'd think of changing his diaper. I picked bad clothes (he fittingly wanted his Oscar shirt) and the rest of our morning went that way too. Tuesday morning brought on a similar, though less severe, fit so I decided that he may be tired of rushing out the door first thing in the morning. So, always thinking, today I decided to change up our morning routine and I woke him up early to let him relax, watch an episode of some goofy kid show, and enjoy some eggs and sausage.
It made all the difference in the world.
I've had a few conversations with the owner of Goddard this week about a few small concerns I've had since miss Cassie left, and we also discussed william's upcoming transition to the hippo (2 yr old) room. I got nervous, anxious, upset - deja vu to his transition into zebras just 7 months ago. Then Brooke said something interesting. She said:
William builds such strong bonds with people and my staff just adores him to pieces. He has trouble sometimes with change and transition, so I've debated bumping his move to hippos up a few weeks to avoid a strong bond with our new zebra teacher. He's just such a lover, we all talk about it. We don't want to make it harder for him.
Well well well. My son not only throws fits, but he's resistant to change. Sounds a little familiar...
I wanted to know the opinion of someone who knows him on a higher level so last night I had a long conversation (2+ hours) with miss Cassie. We talked about lots but the main point was to get her take on some issues and on my conversation with Brooke. We got onto the topic of hitting and biting and other coping mechanisms and Cassie said, 'what I love most about William is how well he communicates. Some kids bite, some hit, some cry in the corner and some give up on what they want. Not William. He knows what he wants, he knows what he doesn't want, and he knows how to make sure to communicate that message.
Ok so fits, change averse, and strong willed and stubborn?
Yikes.
But a little self discovery wasn't all the fun of the week. We also had some other fun stories:
~be careful passing gas in front of him, especially if you're kneeling down. He will relentlessly try to check your diaper and repeatedly say poo poo. I'm not saying this happened to me, I'm just saying.
~ in the truck last night he warmed and broke my heart. He kept repeating 'dada home' as he looked at his picture
~ he carried a baby wipe around and wiped the noses of all of his elmo's, Layla, and Nancy. He tried Reagan but - well you know Reagan.
~ he and arianna kissed goodbye on the lips. That's all I'm gonna say about that.
~ he asks to talk to papa and yaya a lot, and tonight he had a lot of fun on FaceTime with them. He put on a little show
Austin's cousin Kelly sent William a new shirt and hat, and he sure loved the hat!
He's my little ham and when he smiles like that I barely even remember the morning's fits :) I look forward to learning more an more about the personality God gave him and learning how to be the best parent I can for him. A face like that deserves it!!!
- manda
We had a blast this week. Patty came to visit this weekend and to say William had a crush would be an understatement. He even developed a special face just for patty. She loved it, he knew it, and he milked it. Anytime I'd say 'William can you say patty?' he'd just tilt his head sideways and give her his special patty-look.
He also quickly learned how to get patty wrapped around his finger. Anytime he made a whimper she was there to give him whatever he needed. (ahem: wanted) all I can say is - patty, where are you now?!
Brian came up on Sunday for football and lawn mowing and he showed up just in time. William was having trouble being content with anything but once we opened the door and saw Katy barreling in and Brian a few steps behind, he was singing a new song. He loved cuddling with Brian on the couch and yelling 'go go go go go go'. That's his new cheer this week :)
But once patty and Brian were gone was when I began seeing myself in William. We both had a tough time saying bye to them and were both a little blue that evening. William has developed a little bit more separation anxiety lately which I hear comes as they near 2, and I knew that we had an empty calendar for the next few weeks so we both were sad to have an empty house.
Then Monday I saw William throw a fit of all fits. I could throw a fit in my heyday (not saying my heyday is over) and he rivaled me for sure. Everything was wrong. He was mad I got him out of bad. Irate at the thought that I'd think of changing his diaper. I picked bad clothes (he fittingly wanted his Oscar shirt) and the rest of our morning went that way too. Tuesday morning brought on a similar, though less severe, fit so I decided that he may be tired of rushing out the door first thing in the morning. So, always thinking, today I decided to change up our morning routine and I woke him up early to let him relax, watch an episode of some goofy kid show, and enjoy some eggs and sausage.
It made all the difference in the world.
I've had a few conversations with the owner of Goddard this week about a few small concerns I've had since miss Cassie left, and we also discussed william's upcoming transition to the hippo (2 yr old) room. I got nervous, anxious, upset - deja vu to his transition into zebras just 7 months ago. Then Brooke said something interesting. She said:
William builds such strong bonds with people and my staff just adores him to pieces. He has trouble sometimes with change and transition, so I've debated bumping his move to hippos up a few weeks to avoid a strong bond with our new zebra teacher. He's just such a lover, we all talk about it. We don't want to make it harder for him.
Well well well. My son not only throws fits, but he's resistant to change. Sounds a little familiar...
I wanted to know the opinion of someone who knows him on a higher level so last night I had a long conversation (2+ hours) with miss Cassie. We talked about lots but the main point was to get her take on some issues and on my conversation with Brooke. We got onto the topic of hitting and biting and other coping mechanisms and Cassie said, 'what I love most about William is how well he communicates. Some kids bite, some hit, some cry in the corner and some give up on what they want. Not William. He knows what he wants, he knows what he doesn't want, and he knows how to make sure to communicate that message.
Ok so fits, change averse, and strong willed and stubborn?
Yikes.
But a little self discovery wasn't all the fun of the week. We also had some other fun stories:
~be careful passing gas in front of him, especially if you're kneeling down. He will relentlessly try to check your diaper and repeatedly say poo poo. I'm not saying this happened to me, I'm just saying.
~ in the truck last night he warmed and broke my heart. He kept repeating 'dada home' as he looked at his picture
~ he carried a baby wipe around and wiped the noses of all of his elmo's, Layla, and Nancy. He tried Reagan but - well you know Reagan.
~ he and arianna kissed goodbye on the lips. That's all I'm gonna say about that.
~ he asks to talk to papa and yaya a lot, and tonight he had a lot of fun on FaceTime with them. He put on a little show
Austin's cousin Kelly sent William a new shirt and hat, and he sure loved the hat!
He's my little ham and when he smiles like that I barely even remember the morning's fits :) I look forward to learning more an more about the personality God gave him and learning how to be the best parent I can for him. A face like that deserves it!!!
- manda
Sep 19, 2011
We all fight different battles
I have always felt like trials are relative to the person who bears them. Someone may have carried a heavier load, but to the person with fewer burdens - theirs still seem just as heavy. Their vantage point is different and their struggle is hard too. I think this is why it always bothered me when people wouldn't share their troubles with me when my dad was sick and why it bothers me when people think they cant while Austin is gone either. Just because you THINK what I'm going through is harder than whatever is on your plate doesn't make your burdens any lighter for you to carry.
The bible tells us in Galatians to 'Bear one another's burdens, and therefore fulfill the law of Christ'. Big or small, harder or easier, He wants us to share with each other and lighten the load of those around us.
He does not tell us to compare though, and that's where I lost my focus today.
I am all for helping other people, trying my best to sympathize with them, and am always willing to lend a hand or an ear or a glass of wine. Whatever the situation warrants :) I do not aim to compare our lives and tally up which of us has it harder. But when someone looks at me and has the audacity to compare their situation to mine, I forget that I aim to sympathize. I forget that I want to lend an ear.
A coworker told me today that she understands what I'm going through with Austin's extension because today she found out her husband would have to stay on his business trip until Friday when he was supposed to be home tomorrow. He has been gone since friday, so it'll be a whole week before she sees him. As I ever so gently reminded her that 3 days does not equal one month, and that during these 3 days she will not give up what we will in the month of December, she tried to back track by saying she knows that a week isn't much but that in February she actually only got to see her husband for 2 days. I stared blankly at her face as she tried to recover again by saying, 'I know you've been doing it longer but I mean it's just really a pain to have to go let the dog out every day at lunch time and pick up all his extra duties like the trash and the dog'
Ok, first of all, I am not the one who wanted to compare. I didn't. But if she wants to, yeah I'd go head to head with her. Come on, an easy win. (prize being crappier situation, so a bittersweet win at that)
I think the first issue here is that we are comparing a business trip to a war. Austin is not on a business trip. He is not in Nebraska picking up scrap pieces from his companies latest project. He is not staying in the Marriott watching Monday night football in his hotel.
Second, one week and one month do not even come close to 6 or 9 or 12 months. I've never done 12 so I cant speak to that, and I thank god every day that he hasn't trusted me with a year long deployment. But I've spent a week with Austin working in California, I've spent 3 weeks with him in el paso, and I've spent 3 months with him in Arizona. I can attest to the fact that we aren't comparing apples to apples here. We aren't even comparing apples to oranges. We are comparing apples to cows floating in the Tigris river.
Third, one dog doesn't come close to one dog and two cats. Add a baby in there, and caring for that one dog is like having to endure washing your own wine glass after enjoying wine in your bubble bath.
So really, there is no comparison. I'm in a tornado while she has a box fan on high pointed straight at her face.
It's clear to me why Jesus wants us to BEAR one another's burdens rather than COMPARE to another's burdens. I just spent 15 minutes convincing myself of why I have it worse, and I am in no better place than I was before I started. What's more, she is still at her house struggling through loneliness of her own. So she doesn't know what it's like to go 6 months without her husband, should I hold that against her? So she's never had two dogs barking up a storm, a baby screaming and throwing toys over a baby gate while one cat pukes and the other self destructs. That doesn't mean she doesn't know hardship. It doesn't mean she doesn't know pain or loneliness, and it doesn't mean that her burdens are exempt from the instructions in Galatians. I just wish I'd had the courage and strength to respond in that manner earlier.
This is all a learning process, but by the end of it I think I will be a better person for having endured it. If nothing else, I hope to be able to have compassion for others regardless of their circumstances. Lord knows I have been blessed with the sympathy, compassion and love of others throughout my hardships and all I can do with that is offer it on to someone else.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
The bible tells us in Galatians to 'Bear one another's burdens, and therefore fulfill the law of Christ'. Big or small, harder or easier, He wants us to share with each other and lighten the load of those around us.
He does not tell us to compare though, and that's where I lost my focus today.
I am all for helping other people, trying my best to sympathize with them, and am always willing to lend a hand or an ear or a glass of wine. Whatever the situation warrants :) I do not aim to compare our lives and tally up which of us has it harder. But when someone looks at me and has the audacity to compare their situation to mine, I forget that I aim to sympathize. I forget that I want to lend an ear.
A coworker told me today that she understands what I'm going through with Austin's extension because today she found out her husband would have to stay on his business trip until Friday when he was supposed to be home tomorrow. He has been gone since friday, so it'll be a whole week before she sees him. As I ever so gently reminded her that 3 days does not equal one month, and that during these 3 days she will not give up what we will in the month of December, she tried to back track by saying she knows that a week isn't much but that in February she actually only got to see her husband for 2 days. I stared blankly at her face as she tried to recover again by saying, 'I know you've been doing it longer but I mean it's just really a pain to have to go let the dog out every day at lunch time and pick up all his extra duties like the trash and the dog'
Ok, first of all, I am not the one who wanted to compare. I didn't. But if she wants to, yeah I'd go head to head with her. Come on, an easy win. (prize being crappier situation, so a bittersweet win at that)
I think the first issue here is that we are comparing a business trip to a war. Austin is not on a business trip. He is not in Nebraska picking up scrap pieces from his companies latest project. He is not staying in the Marriott watching Monday night football in his hotel.
Second, one week and one month do not even come close to 6 or 9 or 12 months. I've never done 12 so I cant speak to that, and I thank god every day that he hasn't trusted me with a year long deployment. But I've spent a week with Austin working in California, I've spent 3 weeks with him in el paso, and I've spent 3 months with him in Arizona. I can attest to the fact that we aren't comparing apples to apples here. We aren't even comparing apples to oranges. We are comparing apples to cows floating in the Tigris river.
Third, one dog doesn't come close to one dog and two cats. Add a baby in there, and caring for that one dog is like having to endure washing your own wine glass after enjoying wine in your bubble bath.
So really, there is no comparison. I'm in a tornado while she has a box fan on high pointed straight at her face.
It's clear to me why Jesus wants us to BEAR one another's burdens rather than COMPARE to another's burdens. I just spent 15 minutes convincing myself of why I have it worse, and I am in no better place than I was before I started. What's more, she is still at her house struggling through loneliness of her own. So she doesn't know what it's like to go 6 months without her husband, should I hold that against her? So she's never had two dogs barking up a storm, a baby screaming and throwing toys over a baby gate while one cat pukes and the other self destructs. That doesn't mean she doesn't know hardship. It doesn't mean she doesn't know pain or loneliness, and it doesn't mean that her burdens are exempt from the instructions in Galatians. I just wish I'd had the courage and strength to respond in that manner earlier.
This is all a learning process, but by the end of it I think I will be a better person for having endured it. If nothing else, I hope to be able to have compassion for others regardless of their circumstances. Lord knows I have been blessed with the sympathy, compassion and love of others throughout my hardships and all I can do with that is offer it on to someone else.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Sep 15, 2011
Wednesday, thursday, what's the difference
He got to stay up late. He got to sleep in a big boy bed. He got to play at the park, eat chick fil a, have quesadilla for dinner. He got to yell and scream and climb furniture. He had no rules.
That is to say - William had his first sleepover without mommy at his fun uncle brian's house. Uncle brian's house where there are no rules, no bedtimes, no poopy diapers...
Oops, broke that last one.
This weekend I had a wedding to attend in golden and a few friends flew in for it, so saturday morning bright and early William and I headed down to Colorado springs to drop him off. Immediately he and Brian started playing their couch game as I tried diligently to explain where his diapers were, his bath stuff, extra clothes in case he got dirty, instructions...
My words were lost. Who needs instructions for fun play time? Silly mommy.
That was by far the highlight of william's week! Sunday Brian brought him home in time for all of us to watch the texans game (and tell go texans go!) William smiled when he saw me, but that was about it. He was perfectly happy with uncle Brian, I was there or not- didn't matter.
Don't misunderstand my humor there - my feelings aren't hurt that I was expendable. I'm william's mommy, I know that. And no amount of fun or freedom in the world will ever change that. Or the fact that he needs mommy sometimes. But I love that he has such a great connection with his uncle and that he has family so close by.
The rest of the week has been Pretty normal. I've worked a little late every night so miss Kim has taken William home with her until I can make it there. We've still been home in time for bath so it isn't crazy crazy hours, but it does mean I have no fun stories or pictures.
Kim did comment yesterday on his speech and communication. She said she can't believe how well he communicates and how much his vocabulary has grown in the past month. It's just so crazy how fast it's happened!!! He was slightly behind on his speech - not to a concerning level yet, but just not quite as up to speed as others his age. Then in a matter of weeks he surpassed some of his little friends!!!
One of his favorite ways to build his vocabulary is with a sesame street book miss jan gave him. It came from the $1 bins at target (best marketing scheme EVER!) and it's the simplest book. It is called 'murray's book of words' and literally the premise of the book is to flip the page and identify items. I thought he'd find it boring with no story line, but I guess I'll leave the child psychology and development to the experts. He loves it! 4 weeks ago the only word he knew in the book was Elmo. Now he points out:
Cat
Bike
Door
Abbey
Zoe
Oscar
Ernie
Bert
Big bird
Water
Pool
Chair
Table
Snack
Flower
Sun
Pretty soon he'll know all the labeled words and he'll start identifying new things on his own. I love having him read the book to me, nice change of pace and it's too precious how proud he is to be able to read it just like mommy. (and daddy and Corinne and cici and Brian and everyone else who has been suckered into murray's vortex)
Oh, and yesterday he learned 'jacket' and therefore wants to wear it all the time. Even in his 69 degree bedroom. Jacket? Jacket? Jacket? Hmm, maybe I need to invest in a lighter weight one...Because this was the crying face I got when I took the jacket off!
I am looking forward to getting back to our normal schedule this week so I can take pictures and tell more fun stories :)
- manda
That is to say - William had his first sleepover without mommy at his fun uncle brian's house. Uncle brian's house where there are no rules, no bedtimes, no poopy diapers...
Oops, broke that last one.
This weekend I had a wedding to attend in golden and a few friends flew in for it, so saturday morning bright and early William and I headed down to Colorado springs to drop him off. Immediately he and Brian started playing their couch game as I tried diligently to explain where his diapers were, his bath stuff, extra clothes in case he got dirty, instructions...
My words were lost. Who needs instructions for fun play time? Silly mommy.
That was by far the highlight of william's week! Sunday Brian brought him home in time for all of us to watch the texans game (and tell go texans go!) William smiled when he saw me, but that was about it. He was perfectly happy with uncle Brian, I was there or not- didn't matter.
Don't misunderstand my humor there - my feelings aren't hurt that I was expendable. I'm william's mommy, I know that. And no amount of fun or freedom in the world will ever change that. Or the fact that he needs mommy sometimes. But I love that he has such a great connection with his uncle and that he has family so close by.
The rest of the week has been Pretty normal. I've worked a little late every night so miss Kim has taken William home with her until I can make it there. We've still been home in time for bath so it isn't crazy crazy hours, but it does mean I have no fun stories or pictures.
Kim did comment yesterday on his speech and communication. She said she can't believe how well he communicates and how much his vocabulary has grown in the past month. It's just so crazy how fast it's happened!!! He was slightly behind on his speech - not to a concerning level yet, but just not quite as up to speed as others his age. Then in a matter of weeks he surpassed some of his little friends!!!
One of his favorite ways to build his vocabulary is with a sesame street book miss jan gave him. It came from the $1 bins at target (best marketing scheme EVER!) and it's the simplest book. It is called 'murray's book of words' and literally the premise of the book is to flip the page and identify items. I thought he'd find it boring with no story line, but I guess I'll leave the child psychology and development to the experts. He loves it! 4 weeks ago the only word he knew in the book was Elmo. Now he points out:
Cat
Bike
Door
Abbey
Zoe
Oscar
Ernie
Bert
Big bird
Water
Pool
Chair
Table
Snack
Flower
Sun
Pretty soon he'll know all the labeled words and he'll start identifying new things on his own. I love having him read the book to me, nice change of pace and it's too precious how proud he is to be able to read it just like mommy. (and daddy and Corinne and cici and Brian and everyone else who has been suckered into murray's vortex)
Oh, and yesterday he learned 'jacket' and therefore wants to wear it all the time. Even in his 69 degree bedroom. Jacket? Jacket? Jacket? Hmm, maybe I need to invest in a lighter weight one...Because this was the crying face I got when I took the jacket off!
I am looking forward to getting back to our normal schedule this week so I can take pictures and tell more fun stories :)
- manda
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