It's About the Journey

I've been wanting to keep the blog updated with the move in process, but I kept thinking it'd be best to do it after the fact. It'd be good to look back and see the full picture. But, we had a little setback yesterday and I realized the cliche phrase is probably true: it's not about the end, it's about the journey.

The move in journey hasn't been easy. Finding time to actually unpack and move in while chasing a toddler away from electrical outlets and washing just-one-more-bottle hasn't always worked out. Our house often reminds me of a game of whack a mole. I think 'wow! Look how complete our bedroom looks!' Then I walk into Loretta's room to find a disaster, and things that belong in our bedroom. Next thing I know, our bedroom is a disaster while Loretta's room almost looks cute. That occurs throughout the house, every day. How we manage to have less space in a bigger house (after donating literally 15 huge moving boxes full of stuff) still blows my mind. But, despite all of that, we are making it and this craziness almost feels like our new normal.

We had the babies in a day care center for the time of day when I work. However, for a lot of reasons we decided that wasn't working out. So we have hired someone to watch them in house while I work. This topic deserves a post in itself because there are so many layers to this which I won't dive into today. it's all an adjustment, but I do think it's a better balance and definitely better for the babies. We're in week 2 of this new arrangement and it's going well. A new normal is upon us, yes?

Well, Yesterday after the babies and I picked William up from school we needed to run a quick errand. I hadn't been to target in almost 2 weeks, so naturally I found a need. We were gone for a total of 1.5 hours and in that span of time the hose to our washer busted and water began spraying in our laundry room. By the time I got home with the kids water was running down the driveway. I left screaming kids in the car while I frantically tried to figure out how to shut it off and get austin home. I took the kids out for a few more hours while austin cleared the 1.5 inches of standing water in our downstairs, and I got a damage restoration company out to assess. Where I saw some water as a mere headache for the next 24-48 hours, he saw water damage in the walls, laminate floors needing to be ripped up and replaced, kitchen cabinet issues, and overall probably 3-4 weeks of unrest until we are 'settled again'. I laughed when he chose those words. Laughed out loud. Settled again? When were we settled before? 

May 13. That's when. On May 13 I had the next 6 months 'perfectly' mapped out to a T.

But, here we are. Our downstairs is filled with dehumidifiers, wet boxes, bubbled up flooring, torn up baseboards and loads of fully wet clothes which were so conveniently located in the laundry room ready to wash. It's about the journey?

It's about the journey.

Work. In. Progress.

Everyone is different when it comes to decorating a home. Me? I like to find a place for everything and then leave it. Done. I'm not one who likes to re-paint just for fun, I don't like to move stuff around to suit my mood, I don't like to switch furniture between rooms...I just like to find a way it works and leave it alone. I'm sure if I lived somewhere long enough to need some updating of furnishings I'd do that, but so far that hasn't happened. I don't have a pinterest-worthy decorating style, I don't have a lot of flair - it's pretty simple over here. I love when I walk into homes that feel cozy and personal, or that are eclectic and different. I love seeing people's personalities shine through their decorating, but most of the time I hope my personality doesn't shine through mine because if it does, that means my personality must be a little boring. Ho hum. That's me.

But. 

Moving across the country with 3 kids doesn't offer a lot of opportunity for "unpack, put away, wipe your hands and done". No, it offers a whole lot of opportunities for me to give myself some grace on the fact that there are a pile of pictures in the corner of my office that have yet to find a home, a box in Loretta's room of "hmm, i think this stuff goes in one of the kids' rooms but I haven't looked in it in a month" and a lot of piles. Piles here, piles there. Piles of papers to file, papers to shred, things to do, things to throw away, things to donate, things to put away. Piles everywhere. "opportunities for me to give some grace" can be read as "opportunities for me to try to avoid ripping my eye balls out". 

I hate it. I don't like decorating as you go, I don't like not being done, I don't like not feeling settled. Props to the mamas who do this while husbands are deployed or TDY or otherwise unavailable with more kids than me. Props to the people who move to a new house and a week later have a house-warming party with everything all settled. Props to anyone who does it better than me, cause i feel like we've worked our butts off nonstop since ... well ... tax season I guess, and yet there's just sooooooo much left to be done. I look forward to the day I can walk through and do a photo tour of the house for the blog, but that day may just be a mirage in the desert. 

This house already feels much more like home than our house in California ever did, really. It is probably a combination of the psychological difference between renting and owning, the fact that we painted the house and made small updates to make it our "own", and the fact that we hand selected it rather than just taking a street number off of a list given over the phone by the housing office. I'm not sure what the driving factor is, but I do enjoy how much it feels like home to us. It very clearly feels like home to the boys too, and of course it's all Loretta has ever known. 

We had a great and very productive painting weekend in July before our household goods arrived - which turned out to be a brilliant idea. My mom, step dad, sister in law, niece and nephew came over and some people painted while others herded kids around for the weekend. I wished I got to paint more, but I mostly took care of kids (and took many trips to Target!) which was a contribution to the weekend in itself. 3 kids 2 and under doesn't make for a great formula for painting, but when they littles were out of the house things really moved along. We got our living room/kitchen area, boys' room, and our bedroom painted. Loretta's room was started and then finished a few weeks later, and Austin painted our closet before hanging a closet shelving system. The only areas of the house left unpainted are the hallways, bathrooms, playroom/guest room and my office - and those may remain unpainted for the long term. We have gotten a lot of things hung up on walls, but now we seem to be at about 85% completion in every room...and finishing just seems so unattainable. The playroom/guest room is done I suppose - but that's just because there wasn't much to do besides throw in some toys and a bed :) The kitchen is done, and was first priority for obvious reasons. Our bedroom has quite possibly my favorite wall I've ever decorated...but we still aren't "done" in there so I can't take my proud "finished" pictures. The boys' room is waiting on Austin to build beds, Loretta's room is waiting on us to re-finish the dresser and add the small touches, my office is waiting on...more space I think...and I just get exasperated feeling like we'll never be done. (can you hear my exasperation? i think it's coming through as I type)

You see, we both work during the day and when I'm done working I'm chasing the boys' and loving on the baby. Then we eat, do bath and bed, then when that's done we usually have 2-3 hours which we spend cleaning, working after hours (this is the real hold up here - i blame work) , and then when all of that is done we can "unpack, organize, decorate". Except not in the rooms where babies are sleeping, and not in areas that would be too noisy...

Are you seeing the problem? I'm seeing the problem. The problem is I expect to be able to have a "completed" house while also having 3 little kids. 

So, I'm trying to have a little change in perspective. I'm trying to remember that Loretta doesn't know if she has a dresser in her room or a pile of "move to the garage" items where a dresser belongs. She does know when she's being loved on. Charles doesn't know that we have his baby pictures sitting in a pile on the floor. He does know when we're watching him tornado-up the house (as we affectionately call his playing). William does know that he doesn't have a bed, but he doesn't care because he knows after our shed is done that's first on Austin's weekend to-do list and he loves that his dada wants to build him a bed. And most importantly, I know 20 years from now I won't remember what my office looked like, or if I do I won't care. I will remember the joy I got from my kids. 

So, if you happen to venture out to Killeen to see us and you walk in to find a very incomplete house, just know it's because we're busy with things far more important than pictures. I know that, even if I cringe and point out all of the things I wish we had done. It's just a work in progress, and maybe it always will be.

While feeding Loretta

Don't read if you don't like talking about breastfeeding. There. There's my disclaimer.

Ok, here's the deal: I don't like breastfeeding. Actually, I lean towards dislike. At first I felt guilty for thinking that, so I never said it out loud. But then I realized I don't really have to like it. I am not a bad mom for it being one of my less loved roles, nor does it make one a good mom just because she loves it. I wanted to love it, I just don't. 

With William, I attempted to nurse him but we had a few forces against us and after 3 weeks of emotional and mental trauma over milk that never came, his wise pediatrician gave.me the most comforting advice and I gave it up. I always wished I had been able to, but giving it up was the best choice I could have made at that point. I was focusing so much on his caloric intake, and my inability to provide it, that I was missing out on bonding with my new baby.

With Charles, it worked! I was so over the moon with excitement that it took me a couple of months to realize I actually didn't like it. Sure, I liked providing everything he needed. I liked not paying $30/week for his food. I liked not washing 6 bottles every day. But I didn't like the act of feeding him. I planned to stop around 6 months, but before I had the opportunity to make that conscious decision it was made for me: I got pregnant and my body quit making milk. Can't explain it. Doesn't always happen that way, but it did for me. Again, I spent 3 weeks constantly trying everything I could to get it back - but it was gone. Then, at the advice of a loving friend, I gave up. And again, at that moment, there was no wiser choice. It felt like such a loss of control and failure to not make a conscious decision on when to stop, but like all decisions in life - it wasn't really mine to make.

Then there was Loretta. Just like with Charles, it worked! And while I was happy it worked for all of the reasons I already knew, I also already knew I wasn't a big fan. I don't like nursing in front of anyone. If I had it my way I wouldn't even do it in front of anyone. I'm not attempting to not-offend others, and I'm not so self loving that I think anyone actually cares, but I do. I just don't like it. I don't like having to think about where we are going at what times and mapping out a nursing path. I don't like covering up, and I don't like being uncovered. And pumping. Enough said there, right? Point is - There are a lot of things I just don't like about it.

So yesterday, while I was nursing Loretta, I caught myself in a perplexing mind trap: I wanted her to grow up a bit so we were past the breast milk/formula stage, and yet I wanted her tiny fingers to never grow at all. I wanted her precious little nose to stay just how it is. I didn't want her to stop fitting on one arm. I didn't want her to grow up to walk and run and go to kindergarten. I just wanted her to freeze and be my newborn baby forever.

So even though at times I'm tired of nursing her, or wish I wasn't, or counting down the days until I won't - I need to remind myself that one day I'll wish I was. I'll wish I was the only one who got her 3am giggles. I'll wish I was the only one who could (almost) always soothe her. It's a trap, this parenthood thing. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. I enjoy every stage and watching them grow, but I don't want them to ever grow at all. It is possible this is the last of our Wallis babies, so I cherish each moment just a little bit longer. 

I don't like breastfeeding. But I'm still very thankful that I can, and do. I have guilted myself too much over the fact that I didn't LOVE pregnancy (what, with the emotions, cramps, lack of good sleep, and endless heartburn) and I don't LOVE breastfeeding. Look at that mom over there, she does. Aren't we supposed to? But then I realized - I love my babies. That's what I'm 'supposed' to do.

It's a BIG Day!

Today is a BIG day. A big day for so many reasons!

My junior year of high school on August 24 I remember rushing out of band practice as fast as I could. I didn't chat with everyone for the extra five minutes because I needed to go home. I had a phone call to make.

There was this boy just down the road who was turning 18, and I needed to call and tell him happy birthday. It didn't matter that we hadn't talked in over a year, or that he probably had a girlfriend, or that he may not even remember my name. I needed to wish him a happy birthday. Because that's what I did. I always thought of him on August 24, or when our football teams played against each other, or when I drove past his neighborhood. And because in those days we had to dial phone numbers by hand, I still know the number i called. I had to call and tell Austin happy birthday.

Today my wonderful husband turns 33. Gasp! So old :) Today we celebrate the fourth birthday in a row together, which I'm so thankful for! Today we get to celebrate the leader of our family and our house, and my favorite person in this whole world.

But, that's not the only reason it's a big day. Today the second biggest boy in our house starts KINDERGARTEN. I'm actually writing this post in advance because I'm not sure I'll be able to write about starting kindergarten on the ACTUAL day he starts kindergarten, but by the time you read this he will, in fact, already have started. He'll be in the works. He'll be an elementary schooler. How did that happen? Wasn't it just a few short months ago when we brought him home from the hospital? When he took his first steps? I know - i know it sounds cliche, but really - that's how it feels! I can close my eyes and see him standing in his bathtub fully clothed, washing his "buddies". Or sometimes when I am holding Charles as he sleeps on my shoulder, if I close my eyes I trick myself and think that's baby William drooling on my neck. How is he in kindergarten?

He's been in preschool and day care since he was 3 months old, so naively I used to think him going to kindergarten wouldn't be that big of a deal for me. But then I walked in the GiGANTIC school for meet the teacher night, where I will just drop him off and let him enter in like leading him into a pack of wolves. I saw the cafeteria the size of Texas. I saw the 5th graders walking around like they owned the place. My baby isn't ready for that! My baby still needs the miniature potties with 2 toilets and no door because supervision is required. My baby still needs to be playing on the playground all day. My baby isn't big enough!

And boy do I worry. What if he doesn't make friends? What if he gets bored because he's too smart? What if he gets in trouble because he's bored? What if he gets made fun of for being so smart? Or - gasp - What if he makes fun of other kids? What if he isn't polite to his teacher? What if he bullies kids on the playground? What if he gets bullied? What then? The teacher told me that for math they'll start with identifying the numbers 1-5. William did that when he was 2. She said, "sometimes kids already know that, so I'll push them to go to 10 or maybe even 20". William did that when he was 3. William does addition and subtraction. He's too smart. I don't say this as if I'm bragging because my kid is better than others - he's not better. He may be smarter, but that doesn't mean better and it certainly doesn't mean easier. But what if he gets lost in all of this? While his friends are learning number 10 what if he stares blankly at the wall and is stunted? These are the things that keep me up at night.

But, despite that, today is a big day for our big boy. I know he will be ok. If my above worries come to fruition we will navigate them as needed. If he's too smart and needs extra work, we'll do that. If he needs to be placed in another class, or homeschooled, or if he's just fine right where he is - we will navigate it as it comes. After meet-the-teacher night he told me he started to get a little bit scared, and I reminded him what the Bible says in Joshua: the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. I was speaking to myself more than him I think, but it's true. God already has it mapped out for us. He knows what challenges we will face, what successes we will see, and He knows what we need. So I just need to take a sip of coffee and breathe. He's got it.

As if the birthday of my love and the first day of kindergarten for the boy who made me a mom aren't enough to make a day big, it's also a big day because it is finally...FINALLY...the start of our new "normal". Over the last 3 months we have had an emergency c section, extended stay in the hospital, packed up our home and said goodbye to some of the most influential people in our lives, lived in my mom's house for a month, bought a new house, lived amongst boxes and have slowly started to make this new place our home. Our new normal is different, but I am so happy to finally have something that resembles a normal life. A routine. A schedule. Today is the first day I will work from home for my expected length of time, attempt to reach my goals of working out, blogging, taking care of the house, and picking kids up earlier so we don't have such a rushed life like we have in the past. Today is the day we get to start this new schedule which came by such a blessing from God. God calls some moms to work, some to stay home to work with the kids, and He has called me to do a little of both right now. Today is the day that really gets to start.

Whew. A birthday, kindergarten, and a bold call from God. I think I need a nap!

He meets us in our grief

 The first Sunday we were in Texas was Father's Day and sadly we did not go to church. The next week, though, my brother invited us all to try his church so we got up early and drove 45 minutes across town to his church. They love it, so I was excited to visit while were in town.

However, when we got inside and the first song started I was suddenly overcome with grief for what we had left behind. I hadn't really grieved the loss of our church since I had been in town, though I missed it every day, but I was suddenly filled with thoughts like, 'I don't want to do this. I don't want a new church. I want OUR church'. Then something amazing happened; God happened.

After the song the worship leader stopped and said he had been reading his Bible that morning and was in Psalm 27. He was lead to share Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation, so why should I be afraid?". He encouraged everyone to think of what it is we are afraid of and then pray and give it all to God. 

At the moment when I was overcome with a fear of starting fresh and starting over, He met me and reminded me that regardless of where I worship, He is there.

We went back to their church last week and it was much better for me. William, being me in Austin's body as I often say, had told us the day before that he didn't want to go to a new church because it didn't feel like GoKids. But he was also more comfortable in week 2 and was excited to tell me what he learned. I told him we could make that our Houston church if he wanted, and reminded him that we will be finding our Killeen church home very soon. we have shared some verses about fear and strength with him, and it is no coincidence that the 'remember verse' the last 2 weeks for his class has been Joshua 1:9

"This is my command: be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go"

He is perfect, and He has met us where we are.

What are we up to?

The short answer is: a lot! But, I'm going to do my best to document what we have been up to over the last month or so.

It's been almost a month since I waved goodbye to California and its been pedal to the metal since.

I spent almost a week in Houston with the babies at my mom's while she took off work. Between the two of us we were busy all day every day - relaxing vacation? I think not! Loretta was welcomed with much love from our Houston family with a shower at Aunt Dana's house. She went all out! We had an awesome time, and while the shower was for Loretta, Charles made sure to make his middle child self known! 

Austin and William joined us on Father's Day and they were warmly welcomed - for their help and just because We missed them :)

William and austin enjoyed their special road trip with Pop. William has informed me multiple times that he knows how to get us back to Monterey to visit our friends! 'We just spend one night in Odessa, sleep all the way through New Mexico, spend one night in Phoenix then Lancaster then we get to Monterey!' - simple as that :) they went to a Diamondbacks game in Phoenix and from what I hear, William was a great little traveler.

Once Austin got here our hunt for his new-to-us truck began. And it was exhausting! We'd spend half an hour driving to a dealership, half an hour looking, load all the car seats in trucks, drive them around then reverse it all back to the house. 2-3 hours to see one truck! I forgot how long things take when you have 20 miles to span with 3 kids. But, we eventually found Boss 2.0 and I am LOVING driving our big ol' truck! (Err, his truck...)

After a week of adjusting and settling, William started a day camp in my mom's neighborhood on June 29. He was a little anxious he wouldn't make friends, but he did great and now he's excited for next week's camp again. On his first day austin, Loretta and I drove up to Killeen (with the great company of ms Alexis) to close on our house! 4 hours driving up there, a few hours in town waiting for the loan to fund, and 3.5 hours back. It was quite the day! But, in the end, we are home owners once again!

We have made a few trips to Gallery Furniture, lowe's, hobby lobby and many other places trying to get what we need to get settled in our house. I use the term 'need' pretty loosely as we obviously have more than we could ever need, but we sold our old living room furniture before we moved so we needed new couches, and Loretta needs a room finally - plus paint, etc. so we've been busy little shoppers! I think our list of things to do grows each day. Register for schools, day care, get work set up, turn on water, and on and on.

Meanwhile...while we have been preoccupied our kids have just continued to grow! William is a BIG KID. He likes alone time and is loving having space ofnhisnown to run off and play. Oh Gosh was in town for a week and he brought his girlfriend and her 2 daughters. William ADORED the girls and loved having kids his age (or older) to play with. It was pretty crazy at times with 6 adults, 5 kids, 3 dogs and a cat in the house - but I thought it was really a blast. The kids had so much fun! William is loving his camps and he is in tennis camp this week with Papa. Papa said he is pretty competitive. Hmm. That's surprising huh? ;) He has had a hard time, at times, with the transition...he misses our church, his school, and a lot of people in California. I'm thankful that he can verbalize that to me, and I'm thankful he's doing well adjusting in the meantime. More adjustments to come when we leave Houston and get settled in Killeen, then when he starts school, so keep praying for him!

Charles...my middle child never to be forgotten. He turned one right before we left California and he is alllllll toddler. He is all over the place and has no fear! Once his initial confusion over Loretta wore off I think he decided he loves her! He brings her blankies anytime he sees one laying around and he loves to give her hugs and kisses. He also loves to steal her pacifier when she has one, so he's a classic big brother already. His party animal nature hasn't worn off - he's still more comfortable in crowds of new faces than with one new face, and he was Mr. Social on July 4th. He got his first haircut finally, still eats like a champ, loves to swim and keeps us on-the-ready at ALL times. He's such a blast!

And a bonus? He acquired his bff at his (and my!) first gender reveal party! Can't wait to meet baby boy holloway!

Oh, and sweet Loretta. My little love. She has grown and changed so much in a month and - gasp - I'm just like every other mother of a third child. (I've hardly taken any pictures to see the changes!) I'd like to say I'll be better once we aren't in limbo...but maybe life is forever in limbo now. Jumping from one event to the next, she gets lugged around and takes it like a champ. She has some lungs, and she lets me know when she's sick of waiting to eat, but she holds strong just like a good third child would. She's smiling occasionally and it melts my heart. And she's almost at my birth weight! Ok...not almost. Maybe a pound or pound and a half off. But she's growing so she'll get there. She's just dainty and feminine...qualities she must have gotten from someone else :) 

She also stole the heart of Nancy. 3 wallis babies, 3 times her heart has been stolen. Nancy is a baby lover for sure.

That's the update on the kiddos - and that's about the only update on the cat. I don't see her much...so either she likes hiding at my mom's house, or she's just too far down the pecking order for me to even notice her. But she's getting her lovin' elsewhere so that works well. As for Layla, I'm afraid she may be very near the end of her road. Please keep us in your thoughts as we try to discern when the right time will be to let her go. It is quite possible that the right time was a month ago, but I've got a sensitive 5 year old who adores her so my judgment is a little cloudy. She's the most amazing family dog and she, too, loves her wallis babies. 

That's it for now. We will be painting our house this weekend with the help of amazing family members, so we are really really really close to finally being settled. This crazy phase started May 14 which feels like light years ago, but in a way I can't believe the end is so near.

Tuesday's Travels

Austin and I often had a friendly banter back and forth about who had it worse in our moving arrangements: me on the plane for 6 hours with a 13 month old, 1 month old or him in the car for 4 days with a 5 year old, a dog and a cat. (My mom was with me for help, his step dad with him) Obviously we both think we have the upper hand in that argument, but let me plead my case a little bit.

Flying with kids isn't easy. First there is just the fact that you need a LOT of stuff. You need a lot for one kid, let alone 2. And when packing for a permanent move, the segregation of items between 'need immediately', 'need in Houston but can wait a week', and 'don't need until killeen' ... It becomes a daunting task to sort it and inevitably it defaults to too much being pack for the immediate trip.

Here is Yaya with our smarte (aka life saving) carte (the 'e' is necessary why??) and 2 of our carry ons. Notice the cooler in front of Yaya? Yeah...that baby was packed full of liquid gold. If you don't know what liquid gold is, ask a mom of an infant. We had 5 checked bags, or 4 plus a cooler, and 4 carry ons plus purses. 

I make traveling with 2 look stylish huh? It didn't last long, so luckily we took our pictures first thing.

I have a word of advice to anyone traveling with an infant: if it isn't too much trouble, take the baby out of the carrier before walking through the metal detector. Apparently if you have a carrier on they have to swipe your hands with some sort of wand (For what? Traces of...gun powder????) but if you just carry the baby you are free to go through as normal. Would have been good to know before I waited 15 minutes for my hand swiping.

The airport was fairly uneventful, mostly because we got to our gate 10 minutes before we lined up for boarding. You can thank our search for milk and my hand swiping for that.

Another word of advice: when coffee shops don't sell cartons of milk, ask them to warm the milk via a warm water bath rather than steaming the milk. Unless of course you already know your kid likes steamed milk, which we found out mine does not. Oops. Only way to learn that lesson is to offer said steamed milk 8 times and have it end up on every garment anyone happens to be wearing.

Our flight was scheduled to be 1 hour and 5 minutes to Vegas, then a stop but no plane change for 40 minutes, then a 3 hour flight to Houston.

What really happened was it took 1 hour 20 minutes to get to Vegas, we were then told we needed to change plans unexpectedly, an unplanned layover of 2 hours, and a 3 hour flight to Houston. No big deal.

The change of plans actually turned out to be ok. Charles wore himself out and slept almost the entirety of the second flight; he was really a dream. And of course sweet Loretta was an angel.

So - life in Texas begins! A few more key transitions to come, but we are one step closer to our new normal.