Not scared to admit it

I'm going to be honest here for a minute - despite who I may offend, including my sweet little daughter. I'm not writing to offend - and I hope I don't, I'm just writing about the most recent happenings. I started writing this about a month ago but never finished so I thought I'd go back and see if anything has changed. It hasn't :) so I think it's safe to post - and hopefully not offend.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard something to the effect of...
"Oh my gosh are you SO excited you finally got your girl?"
"third time's a charm!"
"yay! finally! a girl!"
"aww, you must be so excited!"
"a girl! now you can be done!"

First of all, I didn't know we were inverse of China. I didn't know girls were the prized possessions and boys should be thrown out with the bath water. I've been surprised at the overwhelmingly polarized opinions on it actually. I didn't really know the gender of a baby carried so much weight on either side.

Second, I have to hold in my laughter when people refer to me "finally getting my girl" or implying in some way or another that this is my heart's deepest desire. Now - sweet baby girl Wallis - I am over the moon with love and excitement for your arrival, I truly am. But, I'd be over the moon with love and excitement for a boy too and if I'm being real, I actually would have chosen a third boy if I had to choose. 

I know. The sacrilege. How dare I speak the words.

I'm not all that partial, so I'm not saying I have disappointment in my heart but I just find it incredibly ironic that it's so readily assumed that I've been longing for something I've never received when, in actuality, a house full of boys would have been how I would have written the story. I'm not saying girls are bad or someone with a house full of girls should wish they had a house full of boys - that's not what I mean at all. But for me, I just would have written it that way.

I love little girls. I do! They're adorable and precious and have cute little shoes  and later they can share clothes and jewelry and life's secrets with their moms. I get it. Girls are awesome. And man if I could collect cash every time someone tells me 'a daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife'. I get it people.

But I know boys. I love boys. I'm good with boys. 

I hate tutus. I strongly dislike big bows or other large hair accessories, and I'm not even that big of a fan of small bows. I find girl wardrobes (not to exclude my own) fairly intimidating and I'm not really sure when you wear bloomers and if they go under tights or over...and what are they for even? I don't like prissy clothes and have no clue how to put it all together even if I wanted to. I don't like when a closet has 2 colors - pink and light pink - but I'll be honest and say I do enjoy laughing at how much austin dislikes it :)

I don't know about girl toys. Or calm behavior. Or other things that are very unfairly stereotyped as girl-type behavior. I don't care much for dance or cheer leading or other girly endeavors. And hey - maybe that's just because I never fit into that mold myself, who knows. There's a quote like 'he is afraid of that which he does not understand' right?

 I like the 'shake it off and move on' approach much better than coddling. I like rough and tough. I've just always thought I'd be a better mom to a boy than a girl. While the idea of a baby who I may not have to chase as much and a toddler who may sit and have a tea party instead of throw all of the toys off the banister sounds very appealing to this exhausted mama, I kind of enjoy throwing the toys too.

I know that God has a perfect reason for why this baby is a girl and I'm very, very excited to face the challenge. But, while many people saw a pink cupcake and were overcome with relief and more excitement than had they seen blue, that relief was more like intimidation for me. I'm not one to shy away from a challenge and the competitive side in my says "we can conquer this" - but had the cupcake been filled with blue icing I would probably have fallen asleep with a little lighter of a heart thinking, "whew, dodged a bullet with that one". I guess I just never thought of it from the other side.

And last, and this is the best insight into my brain, the notion that "now we can be done" just makes the dominant parts of my personality want to convince myself to have a fourth juuuuuuust to spite some people. (Even though the logical part of me says that's insane) In no way did the gender of this baby, or any of our babies, determine the number of babies we should or would have. And if WE aren't even to stand here and determine when/if we should have babies (cause clearly we didn't have much power on that one) then who is anyone else to determine that NOW that we FINALLY have the prized baby girl who will unlock the door to life's greatest happiness, NOW we can be done????

I'm not mad. I realize it may sound annoyed but really I'm chuckling as I type and I literally find myself biting my lip to avoid laughing when I receive the comments I mentioned above. And I get them allll the time. All the time.

What has changed since I originally wrote this is I've enjoyed seeing my life through the eyes of Loretta. I remember how irritating it was to have my brothers always hovering over me in protection, but to see the older brother love from William's perspective has been such a blessing to me. I've also loved watching the bond between my 2 boys develop and I think a girl will allow that bond to remain special and unique. I'm excited for our third baby - along with fear and trembling and anxiety and intimidation - and I know that if she never wears a bow in her hair or if she wears one every day it won't change how much we love her or what God's plans for her are. I'm excited to see austin's heart melt and the way he will parent a little girl. I'm excited to see how she changes us in ways we couldn't have otherwise. I would have loved a third boy, but I love my baby girl all the same and I can't wait to see how she adds to our family in 4 very fast approaching months.