You know how there are those people who are relaxed and chill throughout life? They take things as they come, they never know what is around the corner, they plan for nothing, and yet they somehow always manage to get done just enough to get by, never worrying for a minute about how they got there?
Yeah, that's not me.
I'm a planner. I'm a do-er. I'm an achiever. I like to cram as many things and commitments in as possible, stress myself to the limit and fall asleep crying because of how much I've committed to, and then when I cross a finish line I hardly notice it because I'm already running the next race. In a lot of ways, these are not bad traits. Being motivated and driven, self sufficient and aiming to succeed are not bad things in themselves. But they can get in the way, and sometimes when there are 30 commitments to make you do have to step back and say no to a few. This has not been an easy decision for me, but it has honestly been one that God has orchestrated so much so that I didn't have much of a choice.
Back up 10 (errrrr 15? years) and I remember watching One Fine Day with Michelle Pfeifer and George Clooney. Ok - so I don't know how to spell her name, and I'm pretty sure it was more than 15 years ago. But, just work with me. In One Fine Day Pfeifer's character was a single mom with a little toddler boy and a very demanding job. She tried to juggle the demands of her son and her job at the same time and while she felt like she failed repeatedly, I remember thinking "I want to be that mom one day. I want to be the mom who gets the laundry done, gets everyone fed and off to school, has a solid and demanding career and manages it with ease. I want to be the mom who makes people say "how DOES she do it? That's going to be me one day".
And for awhile - it was. When it was just William - I gotta say, I killed it. I nailed the balance of a kid and a job, a deployed husband at times and a highly demanding husband-schedule at others. I managed to work out and cook and keep a clean house and do all of the things that I was so hell-bent on doing to prove I was the mom who had it all together.
Then I became a mom of 2. I had to cut my hours back to 35/week instead of 40 (the travesty!) I had to give up personal time. I had to make a lot of concessions, and at the end of the day I wasn't succeeding at being that mom very well. Sure, I had managed to keep 2 kids alive (so far) and I had managed to not lose my job...but was I doing it well? That's debatable. I was forgetting things at work I'd never forgotten before, I was putting off until tomorrow...then the next day...then the next day...household duties I had never let slip. I was surviving - but I was far from thriving.
And then I got the best worst news of my life: I was pregnant. What? How? (ok don't answer that) Why? But....damn it.
I was forced to look at our life and our situation and rethink what I had always been so confident in. I was forced to step out of myself and look at the needs of 5 people instead of 2. I was forced to swallow my pride and admit that maybe...just maybe...I'm not the mom who can do it all with a smile on her face, starbucks in her hand, and size 6 pants around her waist.
So, I worked out a deal with my current employer and I am SO excited to say that I will be a part time work from home mom. I will have a kid in kindergarten (barf), 2 kids in part time day care and I will work part time. I do not for one minute pretend to think that this is going to be like a vacation in the tropics. I know that having the 2 babies home with me a few days a week does not mean I'll have all the time in the world for all of that cooking and cleaning and shopping I never do now. I know I'll still be busy. But I will be reducing my commitments and focusing on the ones that matter the most. My kids. I'm not for one minute saying that a working mom doesn't focus on her kids - I've been doing it for 5 years now and they have always been #1. But, circumstances change and life changes...we have to too. With the demands of the 2 career fields we have, and the ages of our kids, it just wasn't going to work to keep going at the same pace.
And so God provided a way to accommodate, adapt and adjust. I am very excited for the opportunity to not wake up at 5:00am, turn on the turbo speed to rush out the door, only to return home at 6:00 to frantically make dinner and rush through bath and bedtime. I'm excited to have a little less responsibility. I'm excited to slow down just a bit.
Neither my employer or I know how long this will be a viable option but for now it's mutually beneficial and I'm so thankful that it is. I know it will be a huge adjustment for me to not be driven so strongly in that direction - there are a lot of elements to that adjustment which will take some time for me to get used to. I don't anticipate it'll be seamless or pain free for me to give up (whether it is temporary or permanent) this professional ambition inside of me. But I know it's the best for the 5 people within the walls of my house, and that's what I have to think of. I'm thankful for the guidance and provision to make this work, I'm thankful for the incredible employer God placed in my path 3 years ago, I'm thankful for austins support in this, and I'm very excited to see what happens next.
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