Doctor Doctor, Give me the News

I got a bad case of loooooooving William!

Austin doesn't know very many baby/kid songs, but he likes to sing to William so he'll frequently sing "normal" songs and just personalize the lyrics for William. He has gotten me into it too, hence the "doctor, doctor..." One of his coworkers told me that the stories I tell of him and William change his entire "tough guy" image that he gives off at work - so I'm wondering if I'm painting a new portrait of Austin for some of you? He's not always big and bad like he tries to appear to be - and he definitely melts when William is around :)

But, the point of all of this wasn't to talk about Austin - it was to talk about William's 2 week pediatrician appointment! At his first appointment he weighed 6 pounds 7 ounces, which means he had lost 9% of his birth weight. That is to be expected, and then they expect that by the time the 2 week appointment comes around the baby has regained the loss and is back up to their birth weight. Well - today William weighed 7 pounds, 1 ounce which is perfect. Ideally an infant will gain between .5 and 1.3 ounces per day, and 10 ounces in 11 days is right on track for that weight gain. Good job William!

I must say the weight gain hasn't been terribly easy. Breastfeeding didn't go very well for me or for William, and because he was slightly jaundiced it was difficult to get him to stay awake long enough to eat enough in his first week. But, as the jaundice went away he gained some perkiness and with that he gained some weight.

Breastfeeding and Daycare: two topics I am overly sensitive talking about. I have to say that I've never had much of an opinion on either topic, and I still don't, but I know a lot of people do and I am sitting on the commonly judged side of both topics. Medically there are lots of advantages to breast feeding, and I've always known that. I also know, though, that formula companies do such a good job of trying to replicate the milk God gave us and the only thing that is lacking are the antibodies that mother's can provide. The opinion I've always taken, though, is that breast feeding isn't for everyone and that, to steal a quote from William's doctor, "no one was ever denied the Nobel Prize because they weren't breast fed". I never knew if breast feeding would be for me or not, or how I'd feel about it, but the moment William was born I had the strongest urge to feed him and provide him with the nourishment he needs - and I felt the best way for me to do that would be to breast feed. The nurses at the hospital were very helpful in trying to teach both William and me how to go about feeding, and I thought we were doing pretty well.

However, as the days went on once we were at home and William's jaundice got slightly worse, he was feeding less and less - and I wasn't ever comfortable knowing how much he was actually getting. Then he got to a point where he wouldn't feed at all. I contacted a lactation consultant at Nourish Family Center - and she was extremely helpful. I had an appointment with her last Monday, then a follow up on Thursday, and we worked on feeding and pumping. She gave me a guideline for a schedule that we should try, and some tips and tricks. At our Thursday follow up though, she found that William was taking less breast milk than he had on Monday, and he hadn't gained as much weight in the 3 days as would be expected. She recommended that I continue pumping 8 times a day, but that I just try breast feeding once a day and then feed him breast milk in a bottle for the other feedings. She was also concerned that I was producing less than I had been on Monday, so she said I would probably have to supplement with formula until my supply increased. Over the last 6 days, however, my supply has diminished to nearly nothing. I was very disappointed and rough on myself about it, and I felt like I wasn't taking care of my baby in the way that I, as a mother, am supposed to. No one ever forced that thought on me in the hospital or at the lactation center, I just had that feeling in my gut. But it seemed the more I stressed, the less I produced and the more upset I got. I tried an herbal tea called "mother's milk", tried other tips I had heard at Nourish and read online - but ultimately it just kept diminishing. I have been aware for a few years that sometimes women with hypothyroidism are unable to produce milk for whatever reason, but I never really thought it'd happen just because I have been pretty stable on my medication for quite awhile. I'm not sure if that is the culprit or if it is just a fluke of nature, but whatever the reason - I appear to be unable to produce nearly enough milk to feed William.

Then on Monday I made a decision. I decided that my sanity and confidence in myself as a mother are pretty valuable, and are both fairly important in helping me take the best care of William that I can. I reminded myself that I've never held a strong opinion one way or the other on breast feeding for a reason, and that I myself was formula fed and turned out just fine. I realized that the longer I carried on this pattern of pumping, bottle feeding, and beating myself up over my inability to produce more the worse I was going to feel - and that William will be just fine if he is a formula fed baby. Since I made this realization, I have felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and no longer feel like an inadequate mother. Today Dr. Caplan reassured those feelings when I discussed with him the issues I'd been having. He said "the only thing that matters here is that William looks wonderful. He is exactly where I would want him to be in weight, his heart and lungs are healthy, his reactions are perfect - you did a great job carrying him in your womb and you're doing a great job caring for him now. No one is going to kick you out of the country or to another planet because you can't breast feed your baby, and obviously he is doing just fine. Do I think breast milk is better when possible? Yes - but it isn't always possible, it isn't for everyone, and William is going to be just fine because you are a good mother."

I said that breast feeding and daycare are the topics I am most sensitive about because both are met with such strong opinions and judgements, especially by mothers who DO breast feed and DON'T do daycare. Mothers who fall into both of those categories seem to feel even stronger about the issues. (typically, but not always...my mom falls into both and doesn't fit the bill here) I've heard it described in lots of ways, but the bottom line is that mothers who formula feed and mothers who choose to work rather than stay home are often judged as selfish for taking the easier (formula fed) road, and selfish for choosing their career and personal achievements over the best care for their baby. Would I breast feed if I could? Yes, I would. But do I think other mothers who formula feed aren't caring for their babies? Not in a million years. Every situation is different and I can't pretend to know what is the best choice for other households. Also, I am not choosing to work because I care more about my career than I care about William - that is insane. If someone wanted to continue to deposit $X,XXX into my bank account every 2 weeks while letting me stay home staring at William I'd do it in heart beat. But I don't see anyone lining up to do that!

The bottom line is, like I said earlier, that as moms we are all (or all SHOULD be) taking care of our babies in the best way we think we can. What is best for one mom and baby may not be best for the next, and what we think is most important for our baby may not be the opinion of the mom next door. But neither is wrong or right. I want to be able to provide for William in a way that I wouldn't be able to if I weren't working - and I feel that the things we will offer him are important for him. I also am very proud of the school he will be going to and feel like they will be able to aid in his development socially and educationally in ways that I wouldn't be able to do at home by myself. I apologize for the soap box, and please understand that I am not sitting in judgement of people who make different choices. I am simply defending myself, as I am oftentimes judged for my choices.

I'm not sure how I got from the happy update of William's appointment to my defensive feelings on breast feeding and day care, but here we are. I'm guessing this blog update was more than most of you cared to know - apologies! But like I've said before, this blog is more for my own writing needs than for your entertainment so if I'm not entertaining you enough...feel free to give up on me :)

To close I'll just say that the rest of the doctor appointment went well. William has grown half an inch in length, his head has grown half an inch in circumference, and he is one ounce heavier than he was when he was born. His heart and lungs were great, and he eventually stopped crying after the mean, mean nurse stole his blood via a heel poke (what a painful way to steal blood!) He's now peacefully sleeping in my lap and I'm pretty certain he has forgotten all about the abuse he endured. Besides, he did "stick it to the man" when he peed all over the paper on the race care bed. That's my boy!