I'm published!

Ok - so it's not a book, and it's not on the most riveting of topics...but I am published nonetheless. I wrote an article for a local magazine and my boss and I are the named authors. How exciting! I'll be doing another one in the winter issue of the magazine...maybe one day I'll write something a little more intriguing :)

One of the Hard Days

This post isn't an easy one to write, and it may not be an easy one to read. But, when I started sharing about my PCOS and subsequent issues I said I was doing it in hopes to a.) remove the stigma associated with fertility issues, and b.) possibly help someone else who may be going through the same thing. how can I do that if I don't share the good, the bad and the ugly?  So today I will share with you one of my worst days throughout this process.

One night around my birthday I was blindsided with news of an unexpected pregnancy. I can't begin to explain all of the facts surrounding this pregnancy, but it was 100% unplanned, partially unwanted, and could turn out to be a very unhealthy situation. And, in my human mind, I instantly began to scream out to God about the injustice. Injustice to me, injustice to the expecting parents, injustice to the baby. 

I was home alone with William on this particular night. Austin was working late that entire week and had been getting home around 10:00. So, I had to do my best to hold my composure long enough to get William bathed and into bed before completely losing my mind. My efforts failed, though, as I found myself crying uncontrollably while William played in the bath. Then, to dig the dagger a little deeper, William and I had this conversation:

Mommy what's wrong?

Don't worry baby, mommy is just sad.

Is it my fault?

No, baby, it is not your fault.

Is it because I went peepee in my pants?

No William, you could never make me this sad by going peepee in your pants. You didn't do anything wrong, it's not your fault that I'm sad.

Is it Dada's? (--dada did play a role, but I was not about to project that onto our child)

No, it's not Dada's.

Is it Jesus's fault?

Now, I WANTED so badly to scream 'yes! Yes it is Jesus's fault!' But by God's grace I had one tiny shred of self control as I told William that no, it was not Jesus's fault. The he asks,

Is it William Timothy Blair's fault?

The knife kept twisting.  It was an agonizing evening and I felt more alone than I have felt in my entire life. I felt isolated from Austin, I reached out to a friend only to feel more alone, and I could not seem to pull myself together for the sake of my son. I was a wreck.

After I finally got him to bed I went to bed myself. At 8:15 I crawled into bed and cried. I held my phone the entire time, trying to think of who I should reach out to, but unable to make myself call on a friend. I know there are dozens of people who would have loved to have answered that call on that night, but I didn't even have the strength to do it. I already felt isolated by 3 people in this very situation, I wasn't willing to put myself out there again. 

Then, about 45 minutes into my sob-fest, my phone buzzed. A text message from my cousin. Chelsea and I talk fairly regularly, but we hadn't talked in a few days at that point. She was just texting to say hi and happy early birthday. Why was she texting to say happy early birthday? Why not just say happy birthday on the actual day? Well, the worldly answer is that she didn't want to forget and it was on her mind. The Godly answer, though, is that Jesus wanted to use her to reach me. He knew I needed support and above all I needed Him, so He used my cousin as a vessel.

We talked about randomness for a little while and then when I was ready I told her how I felt Jesus had called her to contact me to help me in that moment. I began to tell her the story of my evening and how I got to the point of crying alone in my bed. At the end of it I told her that what I really wanted to say when William asked if it was Jesus's fault was, 'yes, it is. Jesus has the power to change this and He hasn't because just like Austin, He has abandoned me'

Now, I know that to not be true. About Austin and about Jesus. But on that night I wasn't so clear. I was vulnerable and satan used that to get to me, as he so often does.

My cousin's reply, instantaneous and strong was, 'He will never leave you. Deuteronomy 31:8'

That's all she said, but that's all I needed.

That was by far the ugliest day I've had throughout this ordeal, maybe in my life. I don't know that I've ever felt like Jesus had deserted me like I did that night. The feelings of failure and inadequacy coupled with solitude can be very powerful and painful. I felt inadequate in so many ways, and if I could sum up infertility with one word that would be it; inadequate.

But that was also a turning point in this journey for us. After Austin got home that night we talked about the role he played and how his efforts to protect me really came across as him abandoning me. I know that was never his intention and all he wanted was to shield me from pain. He knows, now, that he can't shield me from the pain that will come with this. All he can do is hold my hand through it. It wasn't until that night that we were able to truly walk together in this rather than as two people who were hurting. 

We are still hurting. We are still lost as to why this is God's plan for us. But we are hurting together, which makes the world of a difference. 

God Works

So, if you were paying attention, God did not reward my commitment with a win for the aggies. He did, however, reward my commitment and that's all I could really ask for.

He also works in mysterious ways. We have been talking for awhile about joining a D group. (Home team, small group, life group - pick your name) Our church strongly encourages participation and plugging yourself into the church family in this way. We hadn't ever gone to one but kept talking about it. So, last week (not yesterday, 8 days ago) we looked at the d group schedule to find a couples group. We found one Tuesday and one Wednesday. Wednesday's group is lead by the kids church leaders so initially I was drawn to that one. Always good to know someone rather than walk into a room of strangers right? I talked to Doree about it and she was happy we were thinking of coming, but she also said the Tuesday group has a lot of parents of kids william's age. We said we'd think about it, but I fully intended to join her group despite her recommendation. 

Saturday at the conference I was wearing my aggie jersey (duh) and one of the girls at the checkin table said 'hey! Another aggie!' As she pulled her legs out from behind the table to show me her aggie boots. She was the most adorable 9 month pregnant person that ever walked the earth I think, and I loved her boots. Irrelevant, but fun to note. Anyway, she introduced herself, we talked for a few minutes and shared 'whoops' and 'howdy's' throughout the day. On Sunday I was looking for her after the service to introduce her to Austin but I didn't see her. 

Then, as we were leaving we stopped at the D group table again. We were looking at the schedule again - you know, in case it changed - and tried to decide what we'd do with William during d group. A guy walked over and introduced himself to Austin. He said he looked like someone he had served with a few years back, then asked Austin if he was in the military. Austin said army and he said 'oh ok I'm a marine'. At that point I noticed his ring and said, 'and an aggie!' He asked if we were in a d group, as I was holding the schedule clipboard, so we explained our situation. He said, 'my wife Kristen and I lead one on Tuesday nights and we are hoping to arrange childcare soon. For now everyone takes care of their own but we are working on it'

It all clicked. Doree had recommended we join a small group which we were planning to avoid. Then the husband and wife both sought out conversation with us and made connections unrelated to us joining the group. We thought it was pretty clear God wanted us to be a part of this group of young families, so we are excited to go tomorrow for the first time. Hopefully childcare will be worked out soon but we can make due in the meantime. 

This is Serious

A few months ago our pastor announced they were putting on a live simulcast of a Beth Moore retreat. If you don't know who that is, Beth Moore is a women's bible study leader - essentially. She's amazing. She's nationally famous for getting to the heart of the word and truth, being funny in the meantime and keeping herself real. She's awesome. So for $20 how could I pass the day up? I signed up and paid as soon as we were allowed, and never looked back.

Until last Sunday when our pastor said "This is a reminder about our upcoming Beth Moore retreat on Saturday..."

Wait. THIS Saturday? I'm scheduled to be at something from 8:30-4:30 on this Saturday?!?!

This Saturday Texas A&M hosts Alabama. At 12:30PT. The game all aggies have been waiting for since January. There could not be a bigger conflict of interest.

But I'm no fool who would blatantly pick football over God. Where would my relationship with God be if I was faced with such a clear-cut decision and didn't choose Him?

I am missing the best football game of the year???????? My heart hurts.

But, my amazing husband has agreed to record the game, not watch it so as not to accidentally be a spoiler, and watch it with me when I get home at 4:30. I hope I'd do the same for him!  And, while he's avoiding the TV, I will be avoiding my phone like the plague. It'll be turned off, actually. I mean, #1 ill be busy right? But also I just can't risk having something spoil the outcome. I haven't been anxious all week to have the game spoiled before I get to see it! That'd be such a waste. So, if you're looking for me on Saturday I will be in a hole from 8:30-8:30 probably. Poor iPhone won't know what to do with itself.

And...if God sees fit...I'd be ok with Him rewarding my devotion with a win.

Oh come on...like you never pray for your football team, or try to barter for W's. it hasn't worked in the past, but I'm just saying - maybe He'll look favorably on my good decision. 

Gig 'em aggies! BTHO alabama.

A Mini William Wednesday

Just 2 little stories for ya before I get back to cranking on my September 15 tax returns.  (yeah - i know - they're due in 5 days.  just a tad bit crammed into the last minute)

On the way home from school today William asked me, "What's that thing mommy?"  He was referring to a new rearview-mirror-dangle-decoration-thing that I put in Melvin.  I bought it years ago and had it in my trailblazer until I sold it.  I guess I put it somewhere really, really safe because it lasted through the year 2011, made it from Colorado to California, and then it has been hiding ever since.  Just found it!  But, ever since I put it in Melvin I've almost regretted it because William asks what it is at least once a day.  So, after his question of the day, this conversation took place:

It's a decoration
Yeah but what's its name?  What's it called?
...thinking...thinking...Um, Crystal.  brilliant mommy, there's a crystal hanging from it.  good name.
Oh, yeah, cause it has a crystal...HEY...MOMMY...we are learning about the letter R!  Crystal has an R in it!  First we learned the letter F but now we are learning the letter R like rrrrrrr.  There's an R in Crystal!
Wow, good William!  Sometimes it's hard to find letters in the middle of words, good job.
Yeah, its hard.
What word starts with F?
Oh MOMMMMMY, I don't KNOW.  This is hard.  But you know what?  My pinky hurts.

My little genius/ADD child.  He just doesn't ever know which one he wants to be.

Second story is shorter and sweeter.  

At bedtime we were reading books and he had chosen his Zookeeper book.  The last line of the book is, "We want to learn more about taking care of the animals.  That way we can be zookeepers when we grow up".  After I read that line William said, "yeah they will be zookeepers when they grow up but not me"

"No?  You don't think you'd like to be a zookeeper?"
"No, I don't think so"
"Oh, what would you like to be?"
"A firefighter.  I will have to be very brave to fight fires.  I will fight fires for my town.  I will have to help people."
"yes, you would.  Are you a very brave boy?"
"No, not yet.  I will be brave when I am bigger.  Then I will be a firefighter"



Anyone else wonder if he knows firefighter starts with F and has two R's in it???

Quantifying Love

When I went to Chicago a couple months ago I had lots of time to talk to Aunt Mandy. That's one of the best parts of our time spent together, we always have great conversations. We got onto the topic of infertility and Mandy brought up a common struggle people have when dealing with fertility problems.

Putting God's love in a box. Telling God, 'if you love me, you'll give me a baby'. By doing this, we not only seem to think we can make grand demands of God, we also limit what God can really do. Mandy said it much better than I can, but essentially we are telling God we will only accept and know His love through this one avenue. Yet He has so many more ways in which He wants to show His love!  He built the heavens and the earth for us to enjoy. He blesses us beyond measure, and yet so often when we are struggling (be it fertility or otherwise) we decide that unless God does this one thing on our own agenda, the rest of it is for nothing.

Now, I'm not saying we don't appreciate His abundant blessings. We just suffer from tunnel vision sometimes and the trials of this life often make that worse.

For me, though, God's love wasn't what I was attempting to quantify. It was His faith and trust in me. I am, at times, a bit of a perfectionist and when I decide to do something I aim to do it perfectly. I aim to be better than I even think possible. With that, I yearn for tangible evidence that my efforts have succeeded. I long to know that the people at the top of whatever my mission may be (band, work, family, etc) are pleased. I want them to be proud of what I've done and have faith that I can do more, and do it even better. 

The problem is, I have attempted to define how God's faith and trust in me will be measured. It has been His greatest calling in my life for me to be William's mom and I have determined that if I do that job well enough He'll grant me the blessing again. Unfortunately, in my mind, the inverse is true too. 

If I do not do this job well enough, I will not be given another baby.

I think I'm a good mom, but I know I'm not perfect. How could I be? I also know God doesn't expect me to be. But somehow the lines get blurred through all of the pain and frustration and too many times I've found myself crying, 'what am I doing so wrong with William that you won't allow me to do it again?'

I don't struggle much with quantifying God's love for me. I think my dad's battle with cancer and the fact that I lost him at 13 helped me understand long ago that His love comes in His ways.  We can not measure it by our own desires. His trust, though. I thought I could define his trust. I thought I was missing the mark as a mom in earning that trust, but really I was missing the mark in understanding it.

My Favorite Month

I used to think December was my favorite month. Break from school, lots of family time, middle of winter, and Jesus' birth. How can you top that?

Well, to be clear, you can't beat His birth. But December has been replaced. I realized last week that my favorite month is September.

In Texas September finally starts to see some of the edge come off the heat. A little. In Colorado September has the most beautiful aspen trees' leaves turning colors. It also may offer the first glimpse of snow. And I've learned that in Monterey September sees the fog lifting and offers some of the most wonderful temperatures.

I wouldn't say I'm 100% in love with Monterey weather, but in September - man. It's gorgeous. I've loved my sunrise view and dinners outside on the patio. I can only hope it continues through the 'Indian summer' I've always heard about.

But aside from the weather...

FOOTBALL IS HERE!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited! I'm struggling to keep my anxiety in check. With grand expectations in college and the NFL this year, it's stressful to sit back and hope they can keep it alive. This is new territory for me - rooting for two top 10 teams! I'm just hoping and praying it can last.

But - even if it doesn't - I'm proud to be an aggie and a Texan and I love my football teams! I've been waiting since February for the good ol' pig skin and its finally here. 

I love September!

Do you think the IRS would be willing to move the extension deadline to 8.15 though??? Guess we can't have it all.

A fun visit!

Two weeks ago today my mom and Alfredo flew into town for a week. We had such a nice visit! William was excited all week leading up to their visit and couldn't wait for them to take him to see planes. He asked every day if it was planes day! But after it was all said and done I don't think that was even the highlight of the trip for him.

Thursday he stayed home with Yaya while papa and dada played golf. He showed him the park and I'm sure got spoiled all day. Once I got home we all went to a Japanese hibachi grill for dinner. William has been a few times and always likes it but this time the fire caught him by surprise and he was in my lap so fast I didn't even know what had happened! He apparently doesn't like to be startled! 

Friday after the adults spent a day whale watching and wine tasting we picked William up from school. We debated putting off our movie night until Sunday but William wouldn't have it. He had it in his head it was Friday and there was no changing that! So we had popcorn for dinner and saw planes. It was a cute movie. Not as good as Cars (if you're not immersed In kids movies, planes is somewhat of a cars remake or spinoff) Not as good as the other movies we saw this summer either but still pretty cute. And William was happy, so that's what matters right?

Saturday we all drove up to San Mateo to visit Joy. William didn't want much to do with eating lunch, but he loves running around her courtyard. He'd do that all day if we'd let him! We had a nice visit with her and I know she loved having us. After we left, Austin and I stayed in town for the night while Yaya and papa took William back home. I hear they had a blast and William told me that we could stay out of town anytime we wanted. How sweet of him :)

Sunday we took them down to Carmel by the sea to see the beach. Generally Carmel beach is about 5-10 degrees warmer and exponentially sunnier than seaside, plus the town is so cute. But this was a rare day when we would have done better staying in seaside. It wasn't bad though, and William had fun running back and forth from the waters edge with Yaya. 

We had a nice dinner at home Sunday night and got regrouped for the week. Yaya and papa spent Monday on Austin's bike riding the coastline while the rest of us did our normal Monday routine. I think they got the better deal :) Monday we all went to Austin's last intramural softball game - they've been playing for a couple of months and William and I have enjoyed going to one or two games a week. William made lots of friends on the team (duh) and loved to cheer for them and call them by their nicknames (party boy, bang bang, dragon 6...) Bang bang was his favorite and he loved yelling 'aww good try ban bang!' They made it a couple of rounds into the playoffs but it ended last Monday - and though it was fun, I'm not too disappointed. It had gotten demanding on our time!

Tuesday morning yaya and papa left. William did good saying goodbye - he's gotten really good at people coming and going. While he's always excited to see them, he's never too distraught when it's over. Which is good!

And - since it's Wednesday I should report - William has had mercy on me and our laundry flow this week. He hasn't had any accidents since last Tuesday when I broke down! He also asked if he could sleep in big boy britches on Monday night so we gave it a try...2 nights in a row and he's woken up dry :) it's been happy potty times in the Wallis house. Hallelujah!