When Time Stands Still

If I close my eyes I can still smell the Mexican food Shelley Young was delivering in the kitchen. I can still feel the coldness in his purple toes. I can still see the devastation on the faces in the room. I can still hear the words, 'he's gone'. And those 2 words still send chills down my spine.

It's been 18 years since my dad went to be with Jesus. How has it possibly been that long? How can I still see his face so vibrantly in my dreams, hear his voice behind me in a church where he never sat, and feel him so close when it's been so long?

Some days I wake up and might actually make it through one day without thinking of him. When that happens, there is usually a surge of guilt once I realize it, but there is also a little bit of relief that I am able to live without him despite how desperately I wish I couldn't. Then some days I wake up and I instantly feel like I just got beat in the chest with a weighted club, and I wish more than anything I could just go back to sleep. How can that stay so real, so fresh, after 18 years? 

But when I close my eyes, I can also remember another time when my life stood still. I can hear my doctor at her office telling me, 'you're in labor, my dear, I'll meet you at the hospital!' I can still feel that poor, poor student nurse, who I ignorantly allowed, trying to give me an IV (I never knew all of those words could strong out of my mouth at once!) I can still smell the staleness of the hospital while I thought to myself, 'this smell is finally being redeemed'. I can still hear the nurse tell me, 'wait! You're at 10! Don't push I have to get the doctor!!!' And I can still see the most beautiful sight in the world, as Dr Russell lifted William up for me to see his face for the first time. 

I can't believe that was 6 years ago, and yet sometimes it feels like William has been a part of my life for longer than my dad hasn't. Time can play tricks on ya sometimes, and sometimes when we aren't even expecting it God can come in and turn your worst day into your best day. Half of my heart hates the concept of groundhog's day, while the other half is so thankful that I can relive my memories repeatedly.

Dad, I thank my God every time I think of you. I thank Him for showing our family what love looks like, for showing us what a dad can be. I thank Him for your leadership, your humor, and the hugs that felt bigger than this world.

And my bear, I thank my God without ceasing for the opportunity to be your mom. You amaze me with your heart, your love, and your unbelievable intelligence. I can't wait to see what God has planned to do with the gifts He has given you, and I am so very thankful you were born on February 2, 2010.

The day when time always seems to stand still.