A Favorite Night

Last night I had one of my favorite nights in California. A few months ago - or I guess now its been almost 8 - I wrote about how hard it was to leave my friends in Colorado and how I knew one day I'd be leaving California and it'd be the people who I'd miss the most. I wrote it well and was trying my best to be hopeful, but in all honesty I had little faith that I'd meet people who would grow to be great friends.

Little did I know, God had a group of people picked out and He'd have me meet them right away.

On my first full weekday in this state I interviewed for my job, and at my interview I had lunch with Allison and Stacy. Both seemed nice and I thought they'd be fun coworkers. Then on my first day at the job a fellow Texan (Casey)came barreling into my cubicle, excited to meet someone from her native land :) I met Jessica at the end of my first week Andi really lucked out with my desk placement - I sit right across from her.

At the time it didn't seem like friendships were budding fast enough for my impatience, and I remember crying to Austin one night that I just needed to get used to having no friends for awhile. I've been beyond blessed with my friendship throughout my life, I just thought maybe luck had run out.

But sitting here today, thinking about how much fun we've had and how close we've gotten in 7 months I realize I've been proved wrong again!

Last night we went out to dinner for a Christmas gift exchange. Casey suggested a 'favorite things' exchange and if you've never done one I highly recommend it. Our spending limit was $5 and the instructions were to pick one of your favorite things for $5 and buy 4. It's amazing how much your personality can show through with such a low budget.

Casey made a homemade mix CD of all of her favorite Christmas songs and gave everyone the movie Wedding Crashers (because we kind of behaved like the crashers at Jessica's wedding). Allison gave us all $4 lotto tickets and candy. Stacy gave us 2 different kinds of Bert's bees. Jessica made homemade snow globes and got us 3 scotchie candies from her favorite candy shop. I...well, I gave everyone a mini bottle of patron. What can I say? It's my favorite.

Our first restaurant choice was closed for a private party, and our second was closed for ...we aren't sure why. But our third choice ended up perfect and we had such a great time exchanging pieces of our personality over a non-traditional Japanese dinner.

I miss my friends in Colorado, and I miss my friends back home, but I am so thankful for the friends God had lined up before I even got here.

My Christmas spirit has been rekindled, and its not too late!

For Real Excited

Christmas...yeah.
Vacation...yeah.
The aggies playing in the cotton bowl...yeah.
An aggie winning the heisman...heck yeah.

But really - right now my heart is racing at the realization that there is a glimmer of hope for an all Texas super bowl!  (if you care about football to the degree I care about the kardashians, you should close your browser now and check back tomorrow for a more riveting post.  did I even spell that name right?)

I didn't get to spend much time watching football this weekend (the travesty!) so I didn't know the cowboys won until today.  This makes me doubley happy.  1 - I always like when the cowboys win (unless they're playing the Texans) and 2 - I'd love for the giants to not be in the playoffs.

It's a long shot.  The giants have a way of squeezing in and winning when it matters, and Tony Romo has a way of doing the opposite.  But they're tied for first in their division right now, so the standings show it's either team's spot to lose.

And even if the cowboys get into the playoffs, it's a long shot to hope they'd win 3 games to make it to the super bowl.  Beat the packers?  Or the 49ers?  Or any other teams who beat up on them this year?  The chances aren't high. 

But then again, it's a game and any team can upset any team at any point in time.  So, until my dream is crumbled by Eli Manning, Tony Romo or any other NFC hot shot, I'm going to keep my head in the clouds and keep hoping to see the boys in blue facing...the boys in blue!

Go Texans :)

778/1845

Our ratio is getting better!  Austin and I have spent 58% of our marriage together, thanks in large part to 2012!  And guess what?  WE'RE STILL MARRIED!

A few years ago on our anniversary I remember tallying the days and realizing we had spent 51% of our marriage apart.  It was heavy on my heart.  How long can a marriage sustain that?  There are plus sides - absence makes the heart grow fonder, anticipation is a strong remedy for heartache, and...the floor gets a break from dirty socks every now and then.  But, after our very difficult Afghanistan deployment we spent almost the entire fifth year of marriage together.  Ups and downs, transitions and all - it was a wonderfully blessed year.

Austin proposed to me in April 2006 and, on the day he proposed, this is what I had mapped out for our life:
Move to Denver May 2006 - check
Wedding December 2006 (delayed one year for familial reasons, but in the end - check)
Get pregnant in 2007 (delayed 2 years, but in 2011 - check)
Get pregnant with #2 in 2009 (delayed until further notice)
ETS (army code for quit the army) June 2011 (delayed until 2015 at the soonest, most likely 2021)
Get pregnant with #3 in 2011 (um...still on #1 here...)

Clearly, things have not gone according to my plan.  In fact, things started deviating from my plan the moment the plan was set in motion and it has been a work in progress ever since.

Life is not as I would have pictured it.  Truthfully, it's nothing like I had imagined a short 5 years ago.  But I can say in all honesty that I'm thankful it has taken the turns it has.  There are days when I think back to that brilliant plan of mine and think life would be better that way.  But then I think of all the pieces of our life together which we wouldn't have, and I realize that what we have is a direct result of where we've been...and we've been down a path I never would have paved on my own.  But I'm thankful.

There have been parts of our first full year together (let's refer to year #5 that way) that have been harder than the other 4 years.  There have been times when I've stared blankly at the wall wondering how on earth this is harder than the other things we've endured.  But it has also been a year of so much growth.  We've grown individually.  We've grown as parents.  We've grown spiritually.  We've grown a lot.

And we've grown together.

I am so proud of our marriage: what we've been through, what we've endured, where we've come.  I'm so thankful that I have Austin as my partner in this life, and I look forward to seeing more items kicked off my "to-do" list only to be replaced by blessings beyond our comprehension.

A day late but as heartfelt as ever - happy 5th anniversary to my amazing husband

(oh, and if the army has their way you can count on year 6 as having a ratio of roughly 75%.  gotta keep life exciting)

This morning

William woke up in a great mood. We were having a great morning and at one point he went and grabbed his blankies and climbed in my lap. For a second I looked at my watch and thought, 'I'm going to be late' but then I kissed his head and told myself 'one day ill be really glad I didn't blow any opportunities to cuddle with my sweet bear.'

I had no idea I'd be treasuring that time so soon.

My heart is broken for those parents who will never be able to do that again. My entire body aches for them, and at the same time I am overcome with thankfulness for my baby boy who is still with me.

Lord, please be with the families in Connecticut. Please bless them with your peace. Lord please wrap your loving arms around our broken world.

William Wednesday

William's funniest moments of the week:

1. Saturday Casey text me to see if I'd want to meet her at the wharf for lunch.  Austin had plans (which I can't even remember what they were...) so I said William and I would love to!  I then went and asked William, "Do you want to go with mommy and see Ms Casey and puppy rooney at the wharf for lunch?"

William:  Ms Casey would LOOOOOOVE that!

Casey's interpretation of his comment: My presence is a priviledge!

We were cracking up.

2. He told me, while playing with one of his hot wheels trucks, "This is the best truck I've seen in the whole world"

William's smartest moments of the week:

1. On the toy aisle of target I pointed out the Molly train from Thomas (we don't know the trains by the movies, he doesn't really watch them anymore, but I just see their names on the packages).  William pointed right at the name and said, "M O L L Y - molly".

2. William wanted to play with his train tracks before school today and I didn't want to get them all down so I said, "William how old are you?"  "I'm 2"  "ok, you can have 2 train tracks"  Without missing a single beat he says "I'm almost 3!!! I need 3!"

William's sweetest moments of the week:

1. Last night when we were reading him books before bed he was laying perfectly in between the two of us.  After books were done he turned to Austin and said, "Dada, can I cuddle right by you?" as he curled up into a ball right next to him.

2. Before I left his school one morning he said, "Mommy I just need to give you onnnnnne more hug.  onnnnnne more mommy".

Fun week!!!

When You've Reached Adulthood

Sometimes I like to joke about the moment when you know you're an adult.  For instance:
1. You know you're an adult when you pull an all nighter to do laundry
2. You know you're an adult when you contemplate not taking vacation because of the work that will be waiting for you when you get back
3. You know you're an adult (or maybe this is more about being a parent?) when your beer shelf in your fridge has been empty for weeks.

and so on.

I've found a new one.  You know you're an adult when you understand the meaning of the "stress of Christmas".  I've heard about it forever - everyone has.  December is so stressful, it's such a hard time of year, there's so much to do, yadda yadda.  That's never been me though.  I generally have the majority of my presents purchased by Thanksgiving, the rest are already thought out just not acquired quite yet.  I don't have a crazy hectic social agenda filled with work parties and gift exchanges and the like.  It's always been smooth sailing.

Not this year!  The hussle and bussle and stress and craze - it's all my life has been about.  And I've found that Christmas stress is a self fulfilling prophesy.  I am stressed because I do not know what to buy for Christmas gifts this year, so I'm constantly thinking about how stressed I am.  But my time is spent thinking "oh man I am so lost on gifts this year what's going on?" so more time is wasted without thinking of gifts which results in more stress over it.

And then the next day I  say "oh man, i'm one day closer to Christmas without one more present bought..."  I have been spending so much time THINKING about the reasons I'm stressed (holiday party, gift exchange, another holiday party, wreath making party, another party, gotta pack, gotta get clothes cleaned TO pack..." that my mind is just reeling and I'm standing still doing nothing.

I gotta say - it takes all the fun away.  I usually LOVE Christmas shopping.  I love buying gifts any time of year, and the more the better.  I LOVE Christmas parties and decorations and advent wreaths and calendars and Christmas music...I love it.  But the stress truly casts a dark shadow over all of the joy and just leaves...well...stress!

How do I un-do the hussle and bussle and anxiety and stress before its too late?  I don't want to wake up on December 25 and breath a sigh of relief thinking, "ah, finally, the stress is over".  I want to wake up and think, "AHHHH IT'S HERE!"

How do I reverse it?  I'm holding out hope there's still time...

William Wednesday

They say every cloud has silver lining...but sometimes it's just really hard to see.  Not today-  it was glaringly obvious, which made up for William's rough start!

While I was getting ready for work Austin woke William up, got him dressed, and was in the process of herding him downstairs.  I heard him say, "Once you get your socks on we can go have peanut butter jelly".  William loved the idea and said "I need a bus dada!" because he likes to pick a shape from my cookie cutters and have a fun shaped sandwich.  Only problem - I knew we were out of bread and Austin didn't.  I went and warned him, but the idea had already been put in William's head.  I dont' think William will ever be described as apathetic about anything because he cares about EVERYTHING...and everything has to go just as he's anticipated.  So once he had it in his head that he'd go downstairs and get a peanut butter jelly bus, finding out eggo waffles would be replacing the bread was unacceptable.

I listened to him cry about it and proclaim he doesn't WANT a waffle while laying on the floor and I quickly finished getting ready to go relieve Austin before he exploded.  Who said parenting isn't a game of tag-team?  Austin had already made the waffle sandwich and cut it into a bus, and it was in the vice grips of William's hands...but the screaming and crying was not stopping and Austin was about to lose it.  He had to leave so before he walked out he said, "William, that's all we have.  eat it or don't."

William and I battled about it for a minute until I just took it away entirely and put it in his school bag.  Then he must have realized - oh wait, i DO want a bus waffle.  Waffles really aren't that bad and possibly a step up from bread even.  And he WAILED.  I started packing the car and something clicked for him to realize he needed to shape up, or maybe he got tired of crying I don't know.  Don't really care I was just glad for the instant change back into his sweet self. 

The ride to school was good; he asked me to sing jingle bells, silent night, and rudolph over and over, and when we pulled onto the army base I said "would you like to go park by dada's truck at his outside work until he is done, then go to school together?"  We don't usually get there early enough but somehow this out-of-the-ordinary morning meltdown ended with us leaving early.  So I thought it'd be a fun idea.  His response:

Yes.  I have to say sorry to dada for throwing a fit.

THE CHILD HAS BEEN LEARNING PEOPLE!  It's not just numbers and letters and fun games that he learns, but he's been learning his manners and when he's out of line.  I was amazed.  Pretty sure Austin appreciated an unprompted apology too.

Oh - and he SCARFED that waffle down.

How Do You Teach It?

Sometimes when a blog topic comes to mind I don't think it's going to end up a tear jerker and it does.  Other times I think it will be a sob-fest and it's not.  We'll have to see where the keyboard takes me on this one, but I'd probably recommend making sure the kleenex are nearby - you just never know where it might lead.

A few months ago when we went to Aunt Joy's house she gave me a picture of my dad from the early 80's.  We aren't entirely sure when it was taken, but my mom thinks it was when Brandon was a baby.  I took a picture of the picture on my phone to post to facebook, and that phone is now William's.  Yes - my 2 year old has a "phone".  Don't judge.  (and don't try calling either because it has no call capacity)  A few weeks ago he was flipping through the pictures as he loves to do and he got to the picture of my dad.  He looked at me and said, "But mommy who's that?"

I guess I thought he should have been born with that knowledge.  How could he not know?  Obviously I can't fault him - that'd just be ridiculous - but in my head it was almost like I was looking at him saying, "why are you asking me this? you know who that is".  But he didn't.

I just smiled and said "That's mommy's daddy.  That's your grandpa!"  The answer seemed to be sufficient for him and he moved on to the next picture, which then made my heart sink.  He doesn't get it - and he probably never really will.  That's not my fault or his fault or anyone's fault really, it is just the way it is.

I can tell him who is in the picture.  I can tell him who he was named after.  I can tell him how wonderful of a man his grandpa was.  But how do I really teach it to him?  How do I make him understand at the level that I understand?  It breaks my heart to say it, but I don't think I can.  I don't think words and stories bring a person to life in the way they are meant to.  He'll grow up knowing what his grandpa looked like, what his name was, the day he died, and that legend has it he was a wonderful, wonderful man.  But will he know?  In the way I want him to know?

Will he know about a man who poured his heart into being a father?  A man who's kids had the envy of their classrooms because their dad was one of the very, very few who showed up for lunch and events and left notes in lunch boxes and made every kid in class feel special.  A man who got kicked out of hockey rinks and football fields because he was that passionate about his kids. (or maybe that passionate about sports - thin line there).  A man who gave invoice slips to customers with a puppy dog stamped on the corner which said "I love you" because his daugther told him not to throw them away. (after she stamped on them without permission...)  A man who took his kids on individual dates at least once a year to nurture a deep, personal relationship.

Will he know about a man who was filled with Christ's love?  A man who spent years teaching the preschool Sunday School class because he loved teaching the children.  A man who didn't see the preschool class as a babysitting job but as a true opportunity to teach the children about Jesus.  A man who was more concerned with his friends' faith during his illness than his own health.  A man who devoted years of his life to serving.  A man who did his best to be an example for his kids, others' kids, and men in the church.

I'm sitting here, aching inside to put into words the person I want William to know and I can't even do that.  If I can't express it here, where I express things the best, how can I make him know?  How do you teach that kind of thing?  I'm 28 and just recently, through my time with Joy, have I started to feel like I know a piece of my grandpa in the way that his family knew him.  And it's such a small piece!  But I want William to know now.  I want his entire body to feel warmth and love everytime he flips to that picture on his phone, just like mine does.  I want him to glow at the sight.

This just doesn't get easier does it?  14 years and still a sucker punch to the stomach.

But then this morning I think someone had my injured heart in mind when William was flipping through his pictures and said, "Look mommy, that's my grandpa".  He still kept scrolling.  He didn't pause and stare with delight like he does when he sees Oh Gosh, but he noticed.  It's a start, and maybe someday he will know.

I want him to know.  I need him to know.