How Do You Teach It?

Sometimes when a blog topic comes to mind I don't think it's going to end up a tear jerker and it does.  Other times I think it will be a sob-fest and it's not.  We'll have to see where the keyboard takes me on this one, but I'd probably recommend making sure the kleenex are nearby - you just never know where it might lead.

A few months ago when we went to Aunt Joy's house she gave me a picture of my dad from the early 80's.  We aren't entirely sure when it was taken, but my mom thinks it was when Brandon was a baby.  I took a picture of the picture on my phone to post to facebook, and that phone is now William's.  Yes - my 2 year old has a "phone".  Don't judge.  (and don't try calling either because it has no call capacity)  A few weeks ago he was flipping through the pictures as he loves to do and he got to the picture of my dad.  He looked at me and said, "But mommy who's that?"

I guess I thought he should have been born with that knowledge.  How could he not know?  Obviously I can't fault him - that'd just be ridiculous - but in my head it was almost like I was looking at him saying, "why are you asking me this? you know who that is".  But he didn't.

I just smiled and said "That's mommy's daddy.  That's your grandpa!"  The answer seemed to be sufficient for him and he moved on to the next picture, which then made my heart sink.  He doesn't get it - and he probably never really will.  That's not my fault or his fault or anyone's fault really, it is just the way it is.

I can tell him who is in the picture.  I can tell him who he was named after.  I can tell him how wonderful of a man his grandpa was.  But how do I really teach it to him?  How do I make him understand at the level that I understand?  It breaks my heart to say it, but I don't think I can.  I don't think words and stories bring a person to life in the way they are meant to.  He'll grow up knowing what his grandpa looked like, what his name was, the day he died, and that legend has it he was a wonderful, wonderful man.  But will he know?  In the way I want him to know?

Will he know about a man who poured his heart into being a father?  A man who's kids had the envy of their classrooms because their dad was one of the very, very few who showed up for lunch and events and left notes in lunch boxes and made every kid in class feel special.  A man who got kicked out of hockey rinks and football fields because he was that passionate about his kids. (or maybe that passionate about sports - thin line there).  A man who gave invoice slips to customers with a puppy dog stamped on the corner which said "I love you" because his daugther told him not to throw them away. (after she stamped on them without permission...)  A man who took his kids on individual dates at least once a year to nurture a deep, personal relationship.

Will he know about a man who was filled with Christ's love?  A man who spent years teaching the preschool Sunday School class because he loved teaching the children.  A man who didn't see the preschool class as a babysitting job but as a true opportunity to teach the children about Jesus.  A man who was more concerned with his friends' faith during his illness than his own health.  A man who devoted years of his life to serving.  A man who did his best to be an example for his kids, others' kids, and men in the church.

I'm sitting here, aching inside to put into words the person I want William to know and I can't even do that.  If I can't express it here, where I express things the best, how can I make him know?  How do you teach that kind of thing?  I'm 28 and just recently, through my time with Joy, have I started to feel like I know a piece of my grandpa in the way that his family knew him.  And it's such a small piece!  But I want William to know now.  I want his entire body to feel warmth and love everytime he flips to that picture on his phone, just like mine does.  I want him to glow at the sight.

This just doesn't get easier does it?  14 years and still a sucker punch to the stomach.

But then this morning I think someone had my injured heart in mind when William was flipping through his pictures and said, "Look mommy, that's my grandpa".  He still kept scrolling.  He didn't pause and stare with delight like he does when he sees Oh Gosh, but he noticed.  It's a start, and maybe someday he will know.

I want him to know.  I need him to know.