Sucker or Normal?

Usually when William is getting sick I can tell in the morning and as I drop him off I think, 'I'll be back here in a couple short hours'. But Tuesday when I got a call from his teacher saying he had 102 fever I was shocked! He had shown no signs of being sick.  But when I got there his whole face looked so sick and broke my heart. He started crying and curled in my lap when I went to him.

After we got home I realized we only had one more dose of Tylenol.  so I gave it to him and then once it had kicked in we ran to the store to get more. Note: in the future please remind me #1 to have plenty on hand, and #2 to go to Walgreens or cvs or Walmart or anywhere but target in that moment of weakness. I don't know what happened, all I know is target's children's Tylenol is getting very pricey these days. Luckily, it comes with prizes to help in the recovery.

Look at those poor eyes!!!!!

We spent most of Tuesday cuddled in my bed watching movies and reading his new book. Oh - and an FYI to all parents of young ones - the difference between 'little golden books' and 'big golden books' is not just the size of the pages. It's a loooooooot more words!

At bedtime William wanted to sleep with me and based on the above picture you can tell how strong willed I am. He also wanted some of his buddies to join in, and puppy Rooney (who we were babysitting) put up a valiant effort to not be caught creeping in. She blends in so well!

She actually intentionally (and slowly) closed her eyes and inched her body closer and closer to the animals as I got closer to her. I may be a sucker for William but I was able to put my foot down with Rooney. After all, I needed to fit in there somewhere too!

Yesterday William's fever was down but he was still pretty lethargic, sensitive, cranky and had no appetite. He took a 3 hour nap and then went back to sleep less than 3 hours later. 

But - I'm glad to report he woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning, ready for a happy Thursday.

Contentment

 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:11-13

Sometimes when we go to church sermons are so clearly meant to slap us in the face and reach into our hearts in that moment. I love those sermons! Other times sermons seem unrelatable, only to go into our week and be hit with a reality causing us to look back and say, 'ok God, very funny'. Then other times the sermons seem relevant but not in-your-face relevant, until one little piece pokes out and speaks in an entirely different way. That's how the sermon was this past Sunday.

The sermon itself was on rooting our hearts and minds in Jesus. That is relevant to anyone, absolutely. But it didn't quite knock me off my feet, just spoke to me in a way it would speak to anyone. And then the pastor said, 'I'm sure you all know Philippians 4:13 - as Christians we live and breathe that verse. But I want you to take a couple of steps back. Philippians 4:11-12.'

 A lot of us overlook that part to get to the empowering part. I know I do! I can do ALL things. I can do everything. Jesus gives me strength to conquer it all, have my cake and eat it too. I can do it all. Except - for the past few months, maybe more, I've failed to be content.

I am generally a very content person. I don't need a lot of things. I don't yearn for the newest or hottest fashions (no, I yearn for the yearning for those..) I don't need the latest and greatest. I don't lay awake at night wishing I could keep up with the jones. I am typically very content where I am. I surely would never have chosen to be in Monterey, California but I've really dug in and made a home. I'm content. Except in that one little part of my heart where Jesus and I have been having a wrestling match. And, despite how proud and stubborn I am, I am sure you can imagine who has been winning. Here's a hint: it's not me.

If you are new here or missed my blog a few months ago, I went out on a limb in January and boldly pronounced that Austin and I had been trying to have a baby. I hesitated for awhile before writing that post as its not really in me to publicly declare personal matters like that. But I did it - still can't recall why. And in case you haven't noticed, there haven't been any big announcements coming from our little neck of the woods. We are not expecting a baby.

I have wrestled a lot with it. A lot. I have struggled internally with my disappointment over so many aspects of this situation. And time and time again I have come back to, 'but Jesus William is too old to give him a sibling now. I don't want him to be 4+ years older than his sibling. They'll never be friends, they'll be unimportant in each others lives, he'll resent the younger one, ill never love the younger one in the same way, I don't want this'. Then after I've whined my way through that I move on to, 'ok - step back Amanda - maybe this isn't want you really want. Maybe you don't want another baby. You're right, William is too old. Maybe you just want to permanently be a family of three'. Then my heart chimes in again with, 'no! I don't want to be a family of 3! I want to be a family of 4 or 5 or - lord help me - maybe even 6! But I don't want William to be 4 years older than the next. Period.'

Well - if you haven't checked - arguing with God over this isn't going to make us magically have a baby one year ago. That's pretty impossible. And yet I still argued and struggled. I cried and yelled and threw my hands in the air saying 'fine! Here I thought I was a good mom and clearly you don't think I'm deserving of another so fine. I'm done. William, you're it. Poor, poor child you get all of my obsessive attention to yourself.'

While I had these internal struggles I also loathed the topic of babies. With anyone. I cringed when I saw a new pregnancy or birth announcement. My blood boiled whenever someone asked me - yet again - why we haven't given William a baby brother or sister. Or if we have any news. Or whats going on in that department. Don't people understand that if I were pregnant they'd know, and if I wanted to talk about it I would? And then my heart broke when William finally started asking for a baby sibling himself. I began to hate the topic of a baby so much I forgot what it was that I even wanted. I just wanted it to somehow disappear.

And do you know where God was in all of that? He was sitting quietly in the corner - I imagine in a big, soft, floral chair - saying 'come, be content. Be content in me'. I thought we were wrestling and fighting but He was quietly, patiently waiting for me to give up my fight and come be content with Him.

The truth is I do want another baby. And I do wish our lives had worked in a way that another baby could have been born a year ago, maybe more. But the truth also is that William will be 4 before another baby may be born and I have to learn to be content in that. I have to learn to trust that God's vision and infinite wisdom will work, and He will determine what the best plan is for our family. 

Until Sunday at church I hadn't even considered giving up my anger over the age gap. I held onto it as if it was ammunition to help me in my fight. I hadn't even stepped back to realize how useless and illogical the anger was. I held on and let it boil inside of me.  Then God used that little piece of an unrelated sermon to get into my heart and change it.

God may or may not have a sibling in william's future. Only time can tell.  But I will be content in Him.

Also - don't ask why his chair is floral. In my vision it just is. And it's very comfy.

It's been a year?

Whoa. We have lived in California for a little over a year. How can that be? In some ways I really still feel like we aren't even settled into our house - how has it been a year?!? (And will we EVER be settled into our house?)

We have enjoyed a lot about our time here so far. We've really taken advantage of being so close to the water and the fun things monterey has to offer. Growing up I LOVED weekend trips to the beach, but the beach was about 2 hours away. Not bad, but it was a day-Long commitment and required a lot of planning. I have loved being able to look outside, see the sun and say 'oh! Let's go to the beach!' And just hop in the car and go. We can pack food and toys and stay awhile or just go for half an hour - either way it's right there at our disposal. I love it!

I think, for me, the best part has been being close to Aunt Joy. I wish we could go up there every weekend but I'll settle for once a month or so. Spending time with her is truly a blessing and such a gift from God. He could have sent us anywhere in the world, but he sent us less than 2 hours from one of my dearest relatives. No coincidences.

We still have so much left to do, though. I know I talked about my California bucket list before tax season and we've been brainstorming. Here's what we have committed to so far(in no particular order):

1. Both bay baseball teams. A's game is coming up in July, giants will have to be soon after.

2. Texans vs 49ers in October (notice sports 'randomly' came out first...)

3. Vineyard. We've been to a few wine tasting rooms which are fun but we really want to go soak up a vineyard. Literally and figuratively :) it hasn't happened yet because I don't think it's quite the place for a 3 year old, but fingers crossed it may happen next week! There are a plethora right in our neck of the woods.

4. Ski trip to Tahoe! We are hoping for Christmas - we'll see. William can learn to ski, I can see if I remember (or shop) and Austin can fly down the slopes.

5. Another trip to San Diego. We love love loved our trip there in 2011 and we're only 8 hours Away...why not take advantage? I think we decided after driving through LA to get to Disney that we'd fly to San Diego though :) we like road trips, but LA sure wasn't my favorite place

6. Hollywood! Ok I know I said LA wasn't my favorite, but how can we be this close and NOT see the Hollywood sign?! Has to happen.

7. Disney (again). William is now 40 inches so we gotta go back and ride the rides he was too short for. Darn.

8. Stephanie Tanner. I mean the 'full house' house. I have already learned I'm terrified to drive in San Francisco though so Austin better do it.

9. Alcatraz. We've 'seen' it but we wanna see it for real.

10. Add more items to our bucket list.

Hopefully all of these items are marked off this time next year when I sit back and say, 'whoa! We've been here two years?!?!' And hopefully we've added plenty along the way like fun camping trips, new things to see locally or short trips to new places. Then we can start on a new list!

If I've learned anything about this never-permanent life it's that you have to take the good with the bad. We're not building our dream house. We're not hanging out with our best friends who have been our best friends and will be our best friends for decades. We're not meeting the parents of kids William will graduate from high school with. We're not even always sure what the word home means. But we get to be semi permanent tourists and see places from both perspectives. We can sink our feet a little deeper in the sand as we know we'll be awhile, but we can also live up every moment knowing our days are numbered. It's a blessing and a curse, this military life, and when you look at it under just the right light even the bad parts start to shimmer.

Mother's Day

Yesterday William asked me, "but mommy why isn't today Mother's Day?" To which I said, "good question!!!"  And on that note, I thought I'd write about my third Mother's Day. 

The celebrations actually started almost a week early when I got a special package in the mail! You know you and a friend are in sync when you both buy each other the same random present. One of those 'oh - look at that, I should get it' kind of presents. It was a prayer box accompanied by the coolest notepad. The package also included some Lego candies from Buccee's for William. So it was a win for all!

Then Thursday when I got back from my IMPOWER lunch and had calla Lillie's waiting at my desk. One of my favorite flowers, a bouquet of callas will never disappoint. Smart hubs. 

Friday I got home to find a package on my front porch. What a surprise - my brother sent me a calla lily plant! He didn't know it was a favorite - just luck I guess - and I'm really motivated to attempt to keep my first plant alive ever. Please pray for that plant!!! I love it, my thumbs just seem to be really black...or the water runs too freely. I think I'm a perpetual over-waterer. 

THEN on Saturday I got 2 dozen tulips from my mom. I have always loved tulips but have struggled to even make them last (cut flowers, not the plant). Well, thanks to 1-800flowers I now know you are supposed to trim them almost daily, change their water almost daily and put pennies in their water. Pennies? Yes - pennies. Mine turn black after a couple of days but the tulips sure stay gorgeous! 

All of this after my sweet pea spillover from the teacher gifts. My house has been SO happy the past 2 weeks.

Mother's Day itself was fun too. I was scheduled to be in William's Sunday school class so we did that at 9:00 then we headed up to San Mateo to see aunt joy. We had lunch in the restaurant at her place where William showed a little bit of his 3 year old behavior. He was probably pretty good considering he was in a pretty formal restaurant at nap time (with no prior nap) and without anything to distract himself like colors or anything. So I wasn't too hard on him I just prayed the food would come fast!

After lunch we went out onto the patio where there's an open grassy area and a garden. William had brought a toy rocket/missile launcher to show aunt joy (I'm sure she was delighted) so we thought that'd be the perfect place to show it off. While outside someone offered him a couple of balloons. Between the rocket and balloons he was quite content (and burned off tons of energy) playing for about an hour. He was the star out there and loved all of the attention of everyone watching. He also interrupted a game of bocce ball and convinced the players to teach him. He loved it!

After we left Joy's house we had a fun ride home where William got to pee on the side of the highway. (Apparently a high point in life??) Then we capped off our Mother's Day with dinner at a friend's house.

So - while it took coercion on the part of oh gosh and dada just to get William to say happy Mother's Day, and while he was actually just wishing it was Father's Day, and while Austin wasn't here to dote on me in the way I fully expect he would have...i had a fabulous Mother's Day. And I'm still enjoying it as all of my flowers are still going strong!!!

But he's still my baby

William Wednesday

Well, I thought it'd be fun to do a little
Blog segment on Wednesdays called 'William Wednesday' - what do you think? Has a ring to it right? Could be a fun thing!

Or could be something that falls by the wayside when work/life gets busy. Guess time will tell.

William has been having a tough few months. He didn't do particularly well when tax season got extra busy. At the beginning when I was still taking him to school and home around supper time he did ok but when I started missing some of those things his behavior worsened. Austin was convinced William just wanted/needed me more than him and got a bit of a complex about himself as a parent. Well, I'm here to say that since Austin has been in Arizona it has been reversed. William and I might be having a good day and out of nowhere he'll whimper or cry for dada. It has really shown me how much a child needs both of his parents (as if I didn't already know) and how strong of an impact separation can have.

His behavior in school hasn't been great and his teachers and I have been trying to curb that. But I know it likely has a lot to do with all of the turmoil. Hopefully it's all over soon.

But when he's not misbehaving at school and when he's not whimpering for dada we have a really great time together. He's so smart and I'm still amazed at some of the conversations we have.

He has entered the 'why' stage and the stage of questioning everything. He also likes to ask how to spell EVERYTHING. But not just 'how do we spell 'red light'?' Or 'how do we spell Layla?' ... Sometimes it's full on sentences! We'll be talking or doing something and he'll stop and say, 'but mommy how do we spell 'dada is working on Arizona'? How do we?'

I'm just about tired of spelling sentences but he's sure not tired of hearing it!!!

He has almost mastered counting to 100. He skips 15, 27, and then 37, 47...a lot and you have to get him to slow down to realize it, but I'm impressed as it is! He also reads numbers into the hundreds.!)3 saw 1394 on the back of a bus yesterday and said 'look mommy it's one hundred thirty nine four'. I explained the concept of a thousand and he said 'but how do we count to one thousand three hundred ninety four?' - I didn't show him :)

He's also been working on reading words. He has a few letters he's good at sounding out and he recognizes some words. I'm not pushing it much but he really enjoys the challenge of figuring out some of the smaller words.

He's 3 - so days can be a roller coaster. He didn't have much, if any, symptoms of the 'terrible two's' so he's doing his bet to make up for lost time now. That may be an exaggeration - despite the fleeting moments of screaming and demanding things, whimpering for dada and rough days at school he's actually still a very good natured little boy. Or big boy I should say! He's very, very big. Guess that's what happens when you blink huh?

IMPOWER

FYI: I am fully aware the word is spelled empower.

I wrote this post on Friday but needed to double check the acronym. Then I found out a friend's house was broken into for the second time in as many months and I almost deleted the post. But, I decided that's exactly the opposite of what I am trying to say here so I thought Better of it.

Impower is a local non profit organization which was created a few years ago to 'inspire, motivate, Prepare And Organize, women to engage and reinvest'. The organization hosts quarterly luncheons where women of the community come to mingle, enjoy wine from a local vineyard, have a nice lunch and a motivating guest speaker. The lunches raise funds for other local charities and help to unite the women and hopefully inspire them to fuehrer serve and develop the community.

Our firm generally has 3-5 seats at the luncheons and I think there is a group of women who rotate attendance. Yesterday one of them asked if I could take her place because she couldn't make it. And, although I had opted to skip a shower, makeup and most forms of daily prepping in order to get to work on time, and although I knew the luncheon would be full of women who had been primping since the time I woke up, I happily accepted the offer. I'm so glad I did!

I have talked a lot (I think???) about how much I like my job and the firm for which I work. I have talked about my mixed feelings about California and the sometimes beautiful place we call home. But I don't think I've talked about how I feel about the town of Salinas, and this luncheon really made me want to.

Salinas, CA has the highest murder rate per capita in the state of California. If your geography has failed you, the state of California includes Oakland and Los Angeles. Highest murder rate per capita. Salinas also has an extremely high rate if illiteracy, gangs, and homelessness. We don't watch the news often but when we do we are all but guaranteed to hear about the latest murder, vandalism, or other slew of crimes that took place overnight in salinas. The city does not carry the greatest reputation.

In fact, when we first met some military people here we were instructed to beer step foot in salinas. 'There's no good reason to go to that hell hole of a town' they said. (I kept my lips sealed when later asked if I had found a job!)

But despite the violence, sketchy areas and bad reputation I really, really like this town. First of all, I love driving through the salad bowl of the country. Call me crazy but I love seeing all the farmlands and smelling the air on the mornings as they harvest lettuce. (Not so much on spinach harvest morning)

What I really love is the sense of community and generosity. Salinas is home of the of the largest relays in our country. Last year they raised almost a million dollars and since the first relay began in salinas they've raised over $12million. In a city overrun with poverty they've raised $12million for cancer research. Amazing.

More than that though are the plethora of local non profit organizations. They make everything a non profit. Seems like everywhere you turn someone is raising money to benefit something and helping others in the town. It's amazing. While other parts of the county and state are turning their noses up at the thought of 'stepping foot' in this hell hole of a town, the community members are standing up and working to preserve what they can. And it works.

Growing up in such a huge city I didn't get a sense of a place where everybody knows your name. But when I walked into the room of hundreds of women who all somehow knew each other (and were all as well dressed as I had dreaded) I got a glimpse of that. I loved it.

The food was good, wine at lunch was a fun treat, and the speaker was really engaging and entertaining. But I mostly appreciated the opportunity to see another example of how great this community really can be.

Oh - and I won a raffle prize. Can't be a bad day when you bring home a prize right?

If farmers markets are for hippies

Then you better just call me a hippie.

Ok I'm kidding. Please don't. Please! My husband may never come home if he hears that. But I do love me some farmers markets!

William and I decided we'd go to the Monterey farmers market today to get his teachers some flowers. It's teacher appreciation week - gotta do something right? I told Casey we were going and she was quick to say she wanted to join, so after I got my workout in I went and got William and met her downtown. We walked up and down the street for a little bit, ate a random dinner (William had a quesadilla, I had some sort of Mediterranean wrap, and Casey had a gyro) shared a cupcake then went on our flower hunt.

In my head I envisioned a cute little bouquet in some sort of small vase. Most of the flowers for sale were tall (albeit beautiful!) so I thought I was going to have to change my plan. Then I saw Casey eyeing some pretty little things. I don't know flower names very well, but I later learned they are sweet peas :)

The salesman (florist? Flower guy?) said they were $2 a bunch or 2 for $5. I tried to remember my vision of small little bouquets and looked at his bundles. I thought 3 bundles would make a perfect bouquet so I said I needed 15. (4 teachers X 3 bundles = 12. 3 leftover? Shucks) He said he'd give me the whole bucket for $20 - I don't even know which of us got the better deal, and I didn't really care. There's something about carrying fresh fragrant flowers wrapped in newspaper through downtown.

After we bought the flowers I found some handwoven gift bags made out of plant leaves. The lady tried explaining to me what they're made of and how 'green' they are which is when I realized I'm not 100% hippie - I really didn't care a lick about those details I just loved the bags!

Once our bellies were full (and William's stroller more full) we headed home. That's where I realized my little vision of bouquets was really better suited for one bundle rather than 3. Now what to do with the other 12+ bundles?

So I may not be the most frugal farmers market shopper, and $50 may have burned its way through my wallet, but my house now smells of sweet peas in almost every room. I'll call it a win.

My New Schedule

With tax season behind us, and Austin's 2 month training looming, my boss called me into her office before Disneyland to ask me if I'd like to work fewer hours for May and June.  She started to explain her thought process, saying she assumes it's hard for me to drive to Monterey then Salinas for work, then Monterey then Seaside back home (in case you're not looking at a map, Seaside is in between so I back track if I do drop off/pick up and it's an hour commute)  She also knows I've been trying to be disciplined in working out and she assumed it'd be hard to do all of that.

But she didn't really need to spend much time explaining because I don't think the words "less hours" were even off her tongue before I jumped and said "sign me up!".  She was a little taken back by my enthusiasm and then said, "well, if you like it we could probably work it out for you to do it in July too..." to which I again jumped and said "sign me up!".  In the end, we agreed upon an end date of August 15.  So, as of May 1 and until August 15 I am no longer a "full time working mom".

Don't get too excited.  I just reduced it by 8 hours a week so I'm still getting plenty of work hours in there, but leaving early is amazing.  Monday-Thursday I leave at 3:30 and Friday I leave at 3:00.  I have to admit - it feels very weird leaving while everyone else is sitting there working and I do have feelings of guilt and laziness.  But once I'm on the other side of the office door those feelings seem to disappear and are replaced with a sense of freedom.  

I think I was a bit overzealous in my idea of how much time 1.5 hours is, though.  Because the reduced hours hadn't even begun when I had already created a list a mile long of what I'd do with my time.

Of course I'd work out.  And maybe get groceries.  And car washes.  And gas.  And maybe do laundry.  And clean the house.  And go walk on the beach in pretty days.  And go shopping.

And so far all I've managed to do in that time is work out.  But I've also picked William up a little early and enjoyed not making him be at school longer than any of his classmates.  So, it's still a win.

It does make me a little more stressed at work because I feel like I need to get the same amount of work done in 80% of the time, but I think I'll adjust and find a good balance.  And - like I said - the feelings escape me once I'm out the door.  I'm a free woman.

Before working at my current job I always assumed work was an all-or-nothing type field.  I never thought there would be the chance to slow down and breathe during slower times then pick it back up when things get more hectic.  I don't know if I've mentioned it enough over the last year, but I'm pretty thankful for the job God had lined up for me and the coworkers He provided.  He's pretty amazing.