Philippians 4:11-13
Sometimes when we go to church sermons are so clearly meant to slap us in the face and reach into our hearts in that moment. I love those sermons! Other times sermons seem unrelatable, only to go into our week and be hit with a reality causing us to look back and say, 'ok God, very funny'. Then other times the sermons seem relevant but not in-your-face relevant, until one little piece pokes out and speaks in an entirely different way. That's how the sermon was this past Sunday.
The sermon itself was on rooting our hearts and minds in Jesus. That is relevant to anyone, absolutely. But it didn't quite knock me off my feet, just spoke to me in a way it would speak to anyone. And then the pastor said, 'I'm sure you all know Philippians 4:13 - as Christians we live and breathe that verse. But I want you to take a couple of steps back. Philippians 4:11-12.'
A lot of us overlook that part to get to the empowering part. I know I do! I can do ALL things. I can do everything. Jesus gives me strength to conquer it all, have my cake and eat it too. I can do it all. Except - for the past few months, maybe more, I've failed to be content.
I am generally a very content person. I don't need a lot of things. I don't yearn for the newest or hottest fashions (no, I yearn for the yearning for those..) I don't need the latest and greatest. I don't lay awake at night wishing I could keep up with the jones. I am typically very content where I am. I surely would never have chosen to be in Monterey, California but I've really dug in and made a home. I'm content. Except in that one little part of my heart where Jesus and I have been having a wrestling match. And, despite how proud and stubborn I am, I am sure you can imagine who has been winning. Here's a hint: it's not me.
If you are new here or missed my blog a few months ago, I went out on a limb in January and boldly pronounced that Austin and I had been trying to have a baby. I hesitated for awhile before writing that post as its not really in me to publicly declare personal matters like that. But I did it - still can't recall why. And in case you haven't noticed, there haven't been any big announcements coming from our little neck of the woods. We are not expecting a baby.
I have wrestled a lot with it. A lot. I have struggled internally with my disappointment over so many aspects of this situation. And time and time again I have come back to, 'but Jesus William is too old to give him a sibling now. I don't want him to be 4+ years older than his sibling. They'll never be friends, they'll be unimportant in each others lives, he'll resent the younger one, ill never love the younger one in the same way, I don't want this'. Then after I've whined my way through that I move on to, 'ok - step back Amanda - maybe this isn't want you really want. Maybe you don't want another baby. You're right, William is too old. Maybe you just want to permanently be a family of three'. Then my heart chimes in again with, 'no! I don't want to be a family of 3! I want to be a family of 4 or 5 or - lord help me - maybe even 6! But I don't want William to be 4 years older than the next. Period.'
Well - if you haven't checked - arguing with God over this isn't going to make us magically have a baby one year ago. That's pretty impossible. And yet I still argued and struggled. I cried and yelled and threw my hands in the air saying 'fine! Here I thought I was a good mom and clearly you don't think I'm deserving of another so fine. I'm done. William, you're it. Poor, poor child you get all of my obsessive attention to yourself.'
While I had these internal struggles I also loathed the topic of babies. With anyone. I cringed when I saw a new pregnancy or birth announcement. My blood boiled whenever someone asked me - yet again - why we haven't given William a baby brother or sister. Or if we have any news. Or whats going on in that department. Don't people understand that if I were pregnant they'd know, and if I wanted to talk about it I would? And then my heart broke when William finally started asking for a baby sibling himself. I began to hate the topic of a baby so much I forgot what it was that I even wanted. I just wanted it to somehow disappear.
And do you know where God was in all of that? He was sitting quietly in the corner - I imagine in a big, soft, floral chair - saying 'come, be content. Be content in me'. I thought we were wrestling and fighting but He was quietly, patiently waiting for me to give up my fight and come be content with Him.
The truth is I do want another baby. And I do wish our lives had worked in a way that another baby could have been born a year ago, maybe more. But the truth also is that William will be 4 before another baby may be born and I have to learn to be content in that. I have to learn to trust that God's vision and infinite wisdom will work, and He will determine what the best plan is for our family.
Until Sunday at church I hadn't even considered giving up my anger over the age gap. I held onto it as if it was ammunition to help me in my fight. I hadn't even stepped back to realize how useless and illogical the anger was. I held on and let it boil inside of me. Then God used that little piece of an unrelated sermon to get into my heart and change it.
God may or may not have a sibling in william's future. Only time can tell. But I will be content in Him.
Also - don't ask why his chair is floral. In my vision it just is. And it's very comfy.
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