I lost someone, but it’s hard to know when. She passed away
on October 7, but a large part of me lost her a long time ago. It’s hard to
process a loss or grieve a death when you already somewhat grieved the loss of
the relationship. Cancer took another life from me, and yet I feel like it took
something that wasn’t mine any more anyway. How do you grieve someone you
didn’t have? Why can life, and subsequently death, be so convoluted?
I don’t know how to process a loss in this way but I desire
to have feelings over it. So far, I just haven’t had much. In my defense, I
have had plenty of other things clouding my mind and my time too, but I haven’t
felt in the way I’d like to. I desire
to be hurt. I desire to grieve. How odd is that? I’ve grieved the loss of my
dad for nearly 2 decades now, and I’ve hated every minute – and yet I desire to grieve? Yes, I do.
I’ve tried to analyze why I feel (or don’t feel) the way I
do. I’ve tried to put explanations and reasoning to it. I’ve tried to explain
it to people who don’t understand. I’ve just tried to make sense of it, and
I’ve done so in hopes that maybe once I get to the root of that then my heart
will be able to grieve. However, all of the run-around has left me in the same
place. So, I’ve decided it’s time to take a new approach. In order to brew
feelings I first need to cultivate my heart, so this post is my effort to do
just that.
I grew up in Houston while all of my cousins and extended
family lived elsewhere. On my dad’s side most of his family lived in Dallas and
we made a few trips a year to see them. Family trips to Dallas were always
highly anticipated and never disappointing. I grew up with the view that Dallas
was a playground, so to speak, because going there always meant fun times…and
it always meant shopping.
My aunt LOVED to shop. She loved to take us shopping. I
remember one year when we went there for Christmas and my mom nearly scolded my
brothers and I before we piled in my aunt’s (very cool) car to head to the
mall. “Tomorrow is CHRISTMAS. You do NOT take advantage of how sweet your aunt
is and you do NOT ask her to buy you more things at the mall!” Message
received, and … message ignored. Somewhat. We did listen to her – we didn’t ask
for anything more. But, she asked us. It’s what she did! She loved to shop and
she mostly loved to shop for others. We only saw her a few times a year and she
took every opportunity to try to spoil us rotten.
That she did. We were rotten.
I grew up with two older brothers and, while I’d credit them
for most of my strength, being the baby sister of two brothers isn’t easy. They
pick on you. They tease you. They leave you out. They get in the way of
boyfriends. They are, frankly, kind of a nuisance for 18 years or so. Countless
times when I’d cry to my mom about how torturous it was to have 2 older
brothers my mom told me that I should commiserate with my aunt; not only did
she have two older brothers but she had a younger one too and she took quite
the beating as far as brotherly “love” is concerned. I loved to commiserate
with my aunt. I loved to whine to her about how mean my brothers were as I
watched her put on her make up in front of her bedroom mirror. I loved that we
shared this special bond of being “abused” sisters. But what I loved most about
these conversations is how somehow they always ended in her talking about just
how much she loved her brothers. I used to think she purposely did that to try
and make me feel better and remind me that I loved my brothers, or maybe she
did it because she was afraid to talk bad about my dad to me, but now looking
back I know it’s because she just loved her brothers that much.
Laura loved her family more than life itself. She loved her
nieces and nephews more than she may have loved children of her own. She would
have given her life for any one of her family members, and she once gave a huge
part of herself to save my dad. She loved.
Laura Loving Blair was an adored sister by her three
brothers. She was her mom’s closest friend for the later part of her life. She
was, I would guess, the apple of her dad’s eye. And she blessed three nieces
and four nephews with the gift of a loving, doting, and caring aunt. Sometimes
life takes unfortunate turns and choices are made which sever relationships.
But despite anything that occurred in recent years, Laura was a huge part of my
childhood and my early adult life. It is my heart’s desire that my niece and
nephew will anxiously await time with me just as I did with Laura – not only as
children, but as teens and as adults. It is my desire that my niece and nephew
will look to me for guidance and teaching, and for lots of fun times. It’s my
desire that my niece and nephew would have fond memories of a loving and doting
aunt to carry with them throughout life. If I can carry that on, I will have taken
her best gift to me and used it fully.
For the many long, sincere talks we had while I was living in
Colorado.
For the countless weekend getaways I spent in Dallas while I
was in college.
For the advice on boys and brothers and nail polish.
For the smiles and the laughter and the big, loving hugs.
For loving my dad the way she did.
For all of these things I will be thankful, and for all of
these things she will be missed.
