I Lost Someone

I lost someone, but it’s hard to know when. She passed away on October 7, but a large part of me lost her a long time ago. It’s hard to process a loss or grieve a death when you already somewhat grieved the loss of the relationship. Cancer took another life from me, and yet I feel like it took something that wasn’t mine any more anyway. How do you grieve someone you didn’t have? Why can life, and subsequently death, be so convoluted?

I don’t know how to process a loss in this way but I desire to have feelings over it. So far, I just haven’t had much. In my defense, I have had plenty of other things clouding my mind and my time too, but I haven’t felt in the way I’d like to. I desire to be hurt. I desire to grieve. How odd is that? I’ve grieved the loss of my dad for nearly 2 decades now, and I’ve hated every minute – and yet I desire to grieve? Yes, I do.

I’ve tried to analyze why I feel (or don’t feel) the way I do. I’ve tried to put explanations and reasoning to it. I’ve tried to explain it to people who don’t understand. I’ve just tried to make sense of it, and I’ve done so in hopes that maybe once I get to the root of that then my heart will be able to grieve. However, all of the run-around has left me in the same place. So, I’ve decided it’s time to take a new approach. In order to brew feelings I first need to cultivate my heart, so this post is my effort to do just that.

I grew up in Houston while all of my cousins and extended family lived elsewhere. On my dad’s side most of his family lived in Dallas and we made a few trips a year to see them. Family trips to Dallas were always highly anticipated and never disappointing. I grew up with the view that Dallas was a playground, so to speak, because going there always meant fun times…and it always meant shopping.

My aunt LOVED to shop. She loved to take us shopping. I remember one year when we went there for Christmas and my mom nearly scolded my brothers and I before we piled in my aunt’s (very cool) car to head to the mall. “Tomorrow is CHRISTMAS. You do NOT take advantage of how sweet your aunt is and you do NOT ask her to buy you more things at the mall!” Message received, and … message ignored. Somewhat. We did listen to her – we didn’t ask for anything more. But, she asked us. It’s what she did! She loved to shop and she mostly loved to shop for others. We only saw her a few times a year and she took every opportunity to try to spoil us rotten.

That she did. We were rotten.

I grew up with two older brothers and, while I’d credit them for most of my strength, being the baby sister of two brothers isn’t easy. They pick on you. They tease you. They leave you out. They get in the way of boyfriends. They are, frankly, kind of a nuisance for 18 years or so. Countless times when I’d cry to my mom about how torturous it was to have 2 older brothers my mom told me that I should commiserate with my aunt; not only did she have two older brothers but she had a younger one too and she took quite the beating as far as brotherly “love” is concerned. I loved to commiserate with my aunt. I loved to whine to her about how mean my brothers were as I watched her put on her make up in front of her bedroom mirror. I loved that we shared this special bond of being “abused” sisters. But what I loved most about these conversations is how somehow they always ended in her talking about just how much she loved her brothers. I used to think she purposely did that to try and make me feel better and remind me that I loved my brothers, or maybe she did it because she was afraid to talk bad about my dad to me, but now looking back I know it’s because she just loved her brothers that much.

Laura loved her family more than life itself. She loved her nieces and nephews more than she may have loved children of her own. She would have given her life for any one of her family members, and she once gave a huge part of herself to save my dad. She loved.

Laura Loving Blair was an adored sister by her three brothers. She was her mom’s closest friend for the later part of her life. She was, I would guess, the apple of her dad’s eye. And she blessed three nieces and four nephews with the gift of a loving, doting, and caring aunt. Sometimes life takes unfortunate turns and choices are made which sever relationships. But despite anything that occurred in recent years, Laura was a huge part of my childhood and my early adult life. It is my heart’s desire that my niece and nephew will anxiously await time with me just as I did with Laura – not only as children, but as teens and as adults. It is my desire that my niece and nephew will look to me for guidance and teaching, and for lots of fun times. It’s my desire that my niece and nephew would have fond memories of a loving and doting aunt to carry with them throughout life. If I can carry that on, I will have taken her best gift to me and used it fully.

For the many long, sincere talks we had while I was living in Colorado.

For the countless weekend getaways I spent in Dallas while I was in college.

For the advice on boys and brothers and nail polish.

For the smiles and the laughter and the big, loving hugs.

For loving my dad the way she did.

For all of these things I will be thankful, and for all of these things she will be missed.