Jeremiah 29:11

On more than one occasion in my life, more than two I'll admit, I have found myself repeatedly reciting this verse: "For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord, "plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Not too many times, but plenty in my opinion, I have wondered how on earth I would make it through what was ahead of me, and how everything would possibly work out. Although my dad was sick with leukemia for 4 years, I was young and I had an innocent outlook that no matter what we went through with his illness, once it was all over we'd all be fine and life would be back to what it was before. In those 4 years I truly never thought my dad was going to die. So you can imagine the shock I experienced when my mom and dad sat me down and told me that the doctors had given my dad 12 months to live, even though at the time he was cancer free, and that they had prayed and determined it was God's will for him to cease all medications and let God take over with His plans. 4 years I believed that we'd all cross the "finish line", so to speak, together - hand in hand - and my dad would suddenly go back to being the 200+ pound jolly exterminator that brightened every one's days that he had been before. So that night, after my parents told me what their decision was, I went back to my room and recited that verse....over and over and over again. I'm not sure I even truly believed it every time I said it, but I knew that believing it and having hope in God's plan was the best I could do for myself at that point.

Almost 12 years later, I can see that yes - God did have a plan for my life; a prosperous plan for my future. Is it the exact plan that I would have asked for in my prayers 12 years ago? Not hardly. But I can see points in the last 12 years, and during my dad's illness, that I know were only possible by the grace and love of God.

While the situation I currently find myself in does not have life or death implications, and while it isn't as catastrophic as losing a parent, I still found myself yesterday trying to make myself believe that God has a plan for where we are headed. Did I believe it all day? No. Did I trust, throughout the day, that the plan that is potentially ahead of us is the best plan for our family? No. But I earnestly tried all day to get myself to that point.

If you haven't gathered the lack of organization and how quickly (and often) plans in the Army change - shame on you. If you're already sick of hearing all the potential plans and job changes for Austin, some that never come to fruition: join the club. But - here we are, again. Yesterday morning Austin got orders for a permanent change of duty station to Ft Huachuca, Arizona. Along with the change of duty station, Austin would be required to extend his enlistment by one year because the job in Arizona is a 2 year job. Let me walk you through the panicked through process I went through for the first few hours of yesterday morning.

ARIZONA. In case it has slipped your mind, that is the DESERT. When I was there in April visiting Austin while he was at his training course I noticed how ugly it was - no one even has grass in their front yards because it is too difficult to grow! So I'd be going from Denver, CO - a place that was always on the list of places I'd love to live - to Sierra Vista, AZ...15 miles north of MEXICO. Are you following me? I fear I'm not stressing this enough. Not only is Ft Huachuca in the desert, minutes from Mexico and surrounded by people who can't speak English (then again, that last factor is true for a lot of places in America these days...) - but it is also 1.5 hours from Tucson. Not that Tucson is booming, but that is the nearest city in which I could even hope to find work. So, so far we've got 1.) the desert, and 2.) no nearby employment opportunities for me. Now let's travel back in our minds to Aurora, CO where we currently live. Our first home together. A house we've only owned for a little over 2 years. And that precious blue bedroom we just painted, the closet we just organized, the pictures we planned to hang this weekend, etc. It was hard enough for me to fold up clothes in the 2T size knowing that chances are he'd never wear them in Colorado. But to go back and fold up the 9 month clothes? the 6 month clothes? My brain couldn't wrap around all of the issues that surround the thought of selling our house.

Where would we live? What if I couldn't find any job at all? What about college savings? What about our savings plans for our future, vacation plans, Austin's college plans? I can see God getting a slight chuckle out of this, as he reminds us not to worry about tomorrow. And isn't there a quote somewhere about "Show God your plans and he'll show you..." I can't remember the rest...probably because I've always hated that quote. But those are legitimate concerns and things to think about. My morning yesterday consisted of an hour of me crying in my boss's office while she was at a doctor's appointment (while my coworkers tried to stare at me without being too obvious...attempts failed...), returning to my desk to sit and worry some more, and then the next thing I knew it was 12:00 and time for lunch. Austin drove down to meet me for lunch so we could discuss our "options".

First of all, the PCS date as of yesterday was March 10, 2010 - which is obviously not a great date considering William will, in theory, be just under 3 weeks old. Because of that, the first step, and the only sure step at this point, on our end was for me to have my doctor write a memo stating that William and I can not move until 6 weeks after the birth. We would have liked 90 days, but medically 6 weeks is considered fine. Women often go back to work and babies go to day care at 6 weeks, so moving would be fine assuming no health problems for either of us. Next, we have a few options to sort through. There are two potential ways to get out of orders to change your duty station. The first is a request to have the orders deleted. Austin would have to approach his first sergeant and let him know he'd like the orders deleted. If the first sergeant thinks he has valid reason, or he thinks its ok, or in general is just in a good mood that day, he might say "ok, fine by me". At that point, the first sergeant would take it to the company commander for his approval, who would take it to the Battalion Commander, then Brigade, and so on. At any point any one of these people can say "no" and the process is over. If the request reaches the Branch manager and he approves, then the orders are deleted and life goes on as it had been before. If the orders are not deleted, then you are stuck. There is no guarantee, however, that if the orders are deleted that new orders for a new duty station won't come to surface. The second option for getting out of orders is to sign what is called a declination statement. It is exactly what the name sounds like - a statement that is saying "I decline to go" essentially. This cancels the orders, but just like the first option - there is no guarantee more orders won't come up for a new location. Or worse, a deployment.

Or, there's always the third option - suck it up, pack it up, and move down to hell.

Let's talk about how life would be if we did go. Initially I thought that maybe I could find a job in Tucson. I quickly accepted the fact that I would more than likely take a significant pay cut. Ok, that's fine. Money isn't everything and you can certainly live on a lot less than what people think you can - I know that. I also accepted the fact that the job selection wouldn't be what it is in larger cities and I may not love the job I get. Ok, that's fine too. I'm not 100% in love with where I am right now either, and no job is perfect. We covered that a couple weeks ago. So I began looking. I did find 2 public accounting firms that looked stable and decent - granted who won't look stable on their own website - and thought if I needed to I could contact them. Then I looked at how far Sierra Vista is from Tucson...I thought it was an hour but it is closer to 2. There is a town 1/2 way between called Benson, but to live there would mean that Austin and I would each drive at least 100 miles per day. At $2.50/gallon, that would be nearly $400/week on gas for me alone. That would also require Austin to leave for work at 5 and get home at 7:30 every day - and that's if he doesn't have any aspirations of working out. So - we ruled out the option of me working in Tucson because after we pay for gas and consider the pay cut I'd take, it just didn't seem like that would be the best choice. So that puts us back to living in Sierra Vista...where the rental options, we found, consist primarily of mobile homes. Next logical progressive thought...it puts us living on post. Right where I've always said I didn't want to live. Ok, fine, I can handle that. So what about employment? It isn't financially feasible for us to live just on Austin's income. Unless we could sell our house for a pretty profit here in Aurora, pay off our trucks, and learn to adjust our standard of living pretty drastically - its just not feasible. Let's not forget how the housing market is right now, or the fact that I've never wanted to be a stay at home mom. So I'd be living in a place I already consider hell, living on an Army post, living on peanuts and love, and being confined to the 4 walls of my (tiny) home for the next 2 years. How does that look for happiness and stability? And what kind of mom am I if I'm unhappy? I realize happiness is a choice and I can make the best out of the worst if I want to. I also realize that going from where I am right now to the picture I just painted for you is quite the jump...and one I seriously do NOT want to take for the next 2 years.

Austin has always looked very unfavorably upon people who have dodged orders - be it for deployments or just a change of duty station. He strongly believes that when you join the military you accept the call to serve your country in whatever way your country asks you to. While I would have personally loved for him to have dodged his deployment, and while I'd love for this Arizona issue to be wiped off the table, I also love that he has this level of integrity and I am hesitant to ask him to go against what he has always believed. I married a soldier, which unfortunately means I married the US Army and I agreed to take on the burdens that come with that. So I find it very difficult to ask him to do something he feels so strongly about. However, he realizes that not all situations are black and white and when you have a family to consider things aren't always that easy. Despite his prior opinions on the topics, he is strongly considering both options, and that's without my influence. He knows my preference and my opinion without me opening my mouth, so there's no need for me to sway him any more. I did say that if someone could rub a crystal ball and tell me that we'd be able to sell our house for what we want, by April, and that I'd be able to find a job then I'd be ok with going. It would still be the desert, it would still be miles from Mexico, I'd still consider it as close to the armpit of hell as you can get - but I'd go and do my best to make the best of it. Unfortunately, no one has a crystal ball. (and, an inside joke for Alexis, I forgot my $10 anyway)

So I'm back to Jeremiah 29:11. God has a plan for us. God has a plan for William's future that I know Austin and I couldn't even fathom. Does that plan include Arizona? OR does that plan include cancelling these orders? Do we trust that the Army's orders are God's will or do we trust that staying where we are until 2011 is God's will?