Warm Fuzzy Feeling

Although I generally try not to blog about personal conflicts - this is more the happy resolution stage of an ongoing personal conflict, so that's ok right? I don't think the person this is about reads my blog anyway, so not like any harm would be done.

It's no secret that my oldest brother, Brandon, and I have dealt with strain in our relationship in the last...decade or so. Brandon went through some personal struggles that he couldn't face with me, and that I was probably too rigid to have compassion for. The combination of the two, mixed with other emotions and family dynamics I'm sure, lead to what was at one point truly a non-existent relationship. It was sad, as any loss of a sibling relationship would be, and it was also puzzling.

Growing up Brandon and I were much closer than Brian and I. I don't think I'd be going out on a limb by saying that Brian resented my existence for my first 15 years. If he didn't resent my existence, he definitely didn't enjoy it. I was the pesky little sister he never wanted to have around - the pesky little sister who also always wanted to be around. He picked on me, slammed my hand in doors trying to get away from me, beat me in the shin with a wooden baseball bat, tried to poke my eyes out when I was a defenseless infant...the love was not always abounding, I'll say that. But Brandon and I didn't have many issues. The biggest fights we ever had were over the telephone...which my dad resolved by getting me my own phone line. That may have actually just fueled Brandon's fire, as he felt I was spoiled and he should have been the one to get his own line...but that's neither here nor there; the phone line ended the dispute. (PAUSE: children these days don't even know what it is to fight over a phone cause they all have their own damn phones now. geez) Anyhow, that was the extent of the conflict between Brandon and me until he went to college.

I will admit that I, at times, have been told that I have "too high" of expectations of people and that I don't "allow" people to make mistakes. I don't really think I understand what this means - just to defend myself a bit. How can you have too high of expectations? Is it too much to ask that people make good choices? Be considerate of others? Essentially follow the "rules" of life? And how could I have the power to allow, or not allow, people to make mistakes? People will do what they want regardless of what I think right? Nevertheless, I've been told both of those things on more than one occasion and my guess would be that didn't help my relationship with Brandon while he was going through his hard times. Not to defend the choices he made or say that where we ended up was entirely my fault - I don't think I need to remind you that he spent my wedding day in jail - but I'm sure I could have been slightly more forgiving at times.

Despite all of that, though, Brandon and I have been attempting to rebuild what was once a valuable relationship for the past 2 years. It required more effort on his part at the beginning, as I was not anywhere near willing to trust him, and as time has gone on it has required more forgiveness and more effort on my end. We haven't both always put forth the effort needed, and we've still had our issues, but we are leaps and bounds ahead of where we were 2 years ago. And I wish I could have expressed to him yesterday how very touched I was when he told me what he's giving up to come see William in March.

Austin and I are touched anytime people want to come visit us - it really means the world to us. Whether they're in Colorado already and just want to stop by for a quick chat or they're coming in solely to see us - it doesn't matter, we're touched either way. That doesn't even compare to how special it is to us when people tell us they want to come up to meet William. There is a lot of scheduling involved, I get that, and it isn't always feasible all the time for everyone...so we don't hold it against anyone if they can't. But we sure love it when they can! So when Brandon originally told me that he and Dana would like to come up sometime in march to see William, that in itself warmed my heart.

Yesterday he exceeded my expectations though when he told me that he had passed up on Dallas Cowboy season tickets for this Sunday's game against the Eagles because they will be buying their tickets to Denver. To some people that'd be a no brainer - I'm pretty sure my mom, Alexis, Maizeanne, and plenty of other football-non-lovers would jump at the opportunity to pick a flight (to anywhere) over a football game. But Brandon LOVES the Cowboys. When I say LOVES - I mean past the extent that most people love any sports team. And the playoffs? I would have never guessed he would have passed up on a playoff game for anything...and he's picking my baby over the game? I apologize for being so cliche here...but my cup runneth over.

2 years ago I would have wondered if my future children would ever even know their uncle. And now he'll be one of the first to see William's precious face. I know we're nowhere near perfect, but I couldn't be more thankful for where we are.