William's Great Escape

My ears were burning so bad; I could feel my neighbors staring at me thinking "She has just won the worst mom in the universe award". No, my neighbors weren't looking. At least I don't think they were. But in my head I imagined that all eyes were on me. I needed to run a few things upstairs into William's room and he was occupied in the living room with his bouncy ball. So, I thought I could dart upstairs really fast, do my business, and make it back down before he'd even notice. When I got to the top of the stairs he saw me and started laughing. We have a lofted living room so you can see up into the upstairs hallway, so he knew I had snuck out. He started running (toddling) toward the entryway where the stairs are, I thought to follow me upstairs. I kept calling his name saying "Are you coming to get mommy william?" as I went into his room. He would laugh every time I asked, and I could hear him climbing the stairs so I thought he was on his way. Then I couldn't hear climbing anymore. I couldn't hear anything. And as parents always say, its bad when you can't hear anything. I ran to the stairs to see if he was ok and he wasn't on the stairs. That's when I noticed the sunlight beaming inside. How is sunlight beaming inside? THE FRONT DOOR!!! How in the world is the front door open? I ran down the stairs to see William one foot in, one foot out, clinging to the door frame and laughing hysterically. In this 1-second-feels-like-an-hour moment I thought "don't startle him or make him think we're playing, he'll fall out of the door instead of in and he'll crack his head open on the concrete and i'll have to rush to the emergency room and austin is asleep and would hate to wake up to this news and I really can't handle this right now please oh please do not startle him just calmly walk over and snatch him up and bring him inside and then you can breathe and think in complete sentences again" yes, literally, I thought all of that. Luckily I did not startle him and he did not crack his head open or any of the other things that flooded my mind. He just thought we were playing. But, my one sock on one sock off baby wearing a onesie and no pants sure had no business being outside in the 40 degree weather with 30 mph winds. That is the part my neighbors must have scoffed at. I pictured them all been standing in the middle of the street thinking "look at that precious baby way too cute for his own good trying to climb out the front door. and his horrible mother is nowhere to be found. he probably is trying to escape!" If I lived on Wisteria Lane, maybe that would have transpired. Lucky for me I live near a bunch of homebodies and I don't think anyone can see my front porch from their windows. Thank goodness. But how did he get outside??? I was befuddled. Until I saw a little orange tail twitching around the corner. REAGAN. I must not have closed the door all the way, Reagan used his evil powers to get out, helped Nancy escape to safety and then left the door wide open for William. That darn cat, making me look like a bad parent. In all my worry and anger the best punishment I could come up with was to shut the front door and leave him outside. Surely he'll hate it and see the error in his ways. 10 minutes later when I couldn't handle him being outside I realized that I was more punished than he was. Damn cat.

WOO HOO Wednesday

If someone told me I could have a baby only as a cuddly infant or only as a new toddler, it wouldn't be a hard choice. I'd pick this stage hands down. Of course that's not to say I didn't LOVE the infant cuddly wuddly baby bear stage...I'd definitely miss that, but this age is such a blast. I'm thinking back on the past week and realizing I have WAY too much to say for one blog post. I'm going to have to pick and choose, and that is the sign of a great week for William!

William was extra playful this week, especially after good dinners. I've found he definitely has more energy and is more playful after he's eaten a good, full meal. Some nights he just doesn't want big meals, or he just doesn't want to eat what I'm serving, but on the nights when he eats everything he is SO silly and playful. One night after dinner he was running around the kitchen trying to get me to chase him. You know how sometimes kids will say "don't you dare tickle me" or something to that effect, but they REALLY want you to? It's like he was saying that. He'd run to the back door and slam his hands against the glass, look at me and inch his way over until his ribs were within my reach. I'd reach out and tickle him and he'd nearly fall over with laughter. Over and over and over. Last night I was sitting in Austin's recliner and William ran over to me. I reached my arms out for a hug and he wrapped his arms around my neck. I thought he wanted to cuddle so I swooped him up into my lap but he hopped back down just as quickly - guess it wasn't cuddle time. For the next 10 minutes or so he'd run towards me and then as soon as I'd reach my arms out he'd turn the opposite direction, run away and laugh. He was teasing me with his almost-hugs and I was cracking up. After he was done with that game he walked into the downstairs bathroom. I called his name for him to come out so he did...DRAGGING THE PLUNGER! He dragged it all over the living room. Not sure what was so fun about it!

This weekend William was even a character when we were running errands. We went to Target - please, please quit judging me - and we were in the Easter aisle. William was reaching for a ball so I grabbed it and put it on the handle of the cart. He slapped it away and it bounced on the ground. He started laughing, so I picked it up and did it again and he laughed even harder. He continued to knock it down and I'd bounce it and pick it up, giving it back to him. One time he slapped it so hard it slammed onto a shelf so I determined that at that point I had turned into the bad mom at the store and we left the Easter section. Not before he had picked out 3 eggs for Austin's easter basket, though. He picked 2 starburst and 1 m&m, but I swapped that one for skittles. No chocolate!

Sunday we went to a dog park. I wasn't sure what to expect for William but he had a blast. It was uneven ground so he had to concentrate hard on his walking, but he had a lot of fun trudging through it. He also loved all the dogs, big and small. No fear...which is good and bad, I think. He liked playing in the dirt too - his clothes were covered by the time we left. Layla even got a little hop in her step playing with the other dogs, but she also liked to walk by William and keep an eye out. She'd wander off then come back, as if to say "you still doin ok buddy? ok good"

There are so many other stories I could tell...like how he loved eating his peas last night, how he lines bottles or cups or rolls of toilet paper up and wraps his arms around it all, picks it up and laughs...or about playing with his dump truck or bouncy ball...really, there are LOTS of stories to share just not enough time. We had a great week and he is getting more and more comfortable and confident in his surroundings. My little baby is definitely a toddler, and I LOVE it!!!

here are some pics to finish it off...

I am Blessed

When I mention the few people I'm going to write about today, I know there are a slew of other people who at various points could easily be included in this list. And for that I'm even MORE blessed. But on Friday I was just overflowing and its thanks to these people. We can be in the middle of a storm in our lives but there are rays of sunshine beaming through to remind us that not all is bad. I am so blessed to have the friends and family that I do, and I am so humbled by that. Last week Alexis told me about a song that reminded her of Austin and me. Being the uneducated person that I am when it comes to pop culture (or pop anything) I didn't know what she was talking about, so she emailed me a youtube video. It was the most beautiful song I've heard in awhile, and I was so incredibly touched that it would make her think of my marriage. The song is called "marry me" and the lyrics (omitting a few lines that don't apply lol) are: Together will never be long enough for me To feel like I've had long enough with you Forget the world now, we won't let them see That there's one thing left to do Now that the weight has lifted Love has surely shifted my way Marry Me Today and Every Day... Marry me Together could never be close enough for me To feel like I am close enough to you You wear white and I'll wear out the words "I love you" and "you're beautiful" Now that the wait is over And love has finally showed her my way Marry me Today and Every day Marry me...say you will Promise me, you'll always be Happy by my side I promise to sing to you When all the music dies And marry me...today and every day... marry me I know Alexis remembers being annoyed by how I listened to "Lucky Ones" on repeat...all the time...after Austin told me that it reminded him of me. Well Alexis, be glad you're not at work with me at the coffee shop now because I've listened to "Marry Me" about 20 times since you sent it to me :) I am so touched that my marriage would come to mind and it means the world to me, honestly. Like I said in a previous post, it'd be easy for Austin and I to let the passion and fire in our relationship die while we live separate lives this year so I am strengthened immensely to know that someone else sees that in us. The high of my day on Friday continued when the people at the front desk called me and said, "Amanda you have something very beautiful to pick up down here". I assumed Austin had sent me flowers but I was so surprised when I got down there to find that my mom and step dad had. What a wonderful surprise! Friday wasn't a holiday, I hadn't been having an especially rough day...it was just a day, and the note just said "Have a great weekend". What a great way to start it!!! I was walking inside with my flowers on Friday when I went to check the mail and had another surprise waiting for me. Brittany had ordered me a necklace with a daisy charm on it. Brittany doesn't know this, or I don't think she does, but I've always thought of daisies as the happy flowers. How could you see a daisy and not smile? They are so bright and cheery and just seem light hearted and happy to me. That's my take on them, anyway, so it was symbolic to me that she'd send me a daisy. I wore it on Saturday and every time I looked in the mirror I smiled. Then later in the evening I was so surprised when my phone rang and it was my coworker Paul's wife, Janell. She was calling to invite me over to their family dinner on Saturday to celebrate their daughter's blessing. They are Mormon so I was not a part of the baby's blessing, but I was the only non-family member they invited to their dinner. I was so touched that they thought of inviting William and me to be a part of their family celebration. I already had plans so I had to decline, but it was such a great surprise. I am so humbled by the blessings in my life. I don't know what I've ever done to deserve such great people and such great treatment - I honestly felt like a little princess on Friday, and I didn't mind it :) I can't imagine how hard this would all be if I wasn't surrounded by so much love and support. So to everyone in this email, and to everyone who has done plenty that just didn't happen to fall ON friday...thank you so much. Really, I could go on and on. You make this a million times easier than it could be, and even though I may not say it to you I thank God for you every day.

William Wednesday!!!

I've gone back and forth this morning trying to determine if it is or is not Wednesday. Working on weekends really messes up days, so then you think you're ahead then you try to remind yourself that you're thinking ahead so you end up thinking a day behind...it's just a mess. Solution: don't work weekends.

But, I looked at the calendar 3 times and it is in fact Wednesday. So - it's William time, and I'm so excited :)

To remember what went on during the week I have to look through pictures and emails that we sent to Austin to try and keep track of it all. My mind is all over the place! Friday William got sick at school, I'm sure I sound like a broken record here. Saturday he was recovering from his stomach bug - he never threw up but he slept a lot. When he was awake though he was lots of fun. He cuddled with me a lot in the morning, laid in bed with me watching Bob the Builder (he actually watched for about 20 minutes. it's a record!) and he played with Nancy. I was getting dressed to go run errands while he was playing with Nancy, but then all of a sudden he decided it wasn't errand time - it was nap time. He immediately flopped over and fell asleep.

After he woke up we went to Target - the usual, of course - and to Best Buy. At Best Buy I needed to get a disc drive for Austin's computer and while I was there I figured I should see the new iPad. Give me more anticipation for when mine arrives :) While we were there William went CRAZY about the balloons. He loves balloons! I let him play with one for a little bit but it turned out to be a mistake cause boy was he mad at me when we walked away.

After we got home he deserved a balloon, though, because he helped me with laundry! It's amazing to me the little things that babies absorb without us even realizing it. He knew that the clothes in the basket go IN the washer, and the clothes in the dryer come OUT and get put into the other basket. He knew exactly what to do! I kept telling him how good he was doing and thanking him for the help and it made him so proud. Made me pretty proud too :) My little laundry doer.

Saturday evening we went to Steve and Stef's house to watch UFC. William did NOT want to go to sleep. He was having so much fun walking around, feed Steve carrots, feeding the dog anything she'd eat, climbing on my lap...he gets more and more comfortable at our friends' houses every time he goes. His eyes were getting sleepier and sleepier but he was determined to run around and play, so I finally took him upstairs and laid on the bed with him - he was asleep in literally 2 seconds. Pretty precious :)

I had to work Sunday morning but after I got home we had fun playing on the patio. He learned to roll a ball! He has a bouncy ball a little bigger than a softball that supposedly bounces 45 feet (I don't think I'll ever know for sure) It's his favorite ball for now so he carried it out onto the patio. He sat down, so I sat across from him and he rolled it. The first time he pretty much had to roll his body with the ball, but he got better with practice. I haven't gotten him to roll any of his other balls, just that one. But he's done it a few times since he first learned so as with everything I'm sure practice makes perfect.

Monday when I picked him up from daycare I got there a little earlier than usual and there were 6 parents/grandparents there at the time so the room was busy. He was at the far end of the room playing with one of the teachers when I walked in. I just watched him and waited for him to notice me. When he did his face lit up, he jumped out of his chair and ran (toddled) over to me saying "ahhhh ahhhh ahhh" with his arms raised in the air. IT was precious and all the other adults in the room were laughing at him. Once he reached him and I picked him up he looked around and smiled at his audience - that little turkey knew they were watching him all along. He's such a performer when he wants to be!!!

This morning Austin called us on yahoo face-chat. We were on my phone so Austin could hear us, but he was in a room full of people working so he had to turn the microphone on his computer off. He just watched me get William get ready, watched William run around chasing Nancy and trying to get the cat food, and waved to him before we left. William kept grabbing the phone and flipping it backwards, trying to figure out how daddy was in there. He got SO excited every time Austin moved or waved or anything, and at one point he kept looking back and forth from Austin's picture on the wall to him on the phone...as if his brain was thinking "wait now there are TWO daddies but I still can't touch either one???" He was a little confused, but he did enjoy it a lot and he was in such a happy mood. I think he is noticing that daddy is gone because he cries while reaching for his picture sometimes, and he's a lot more clingy with me this week than he has been in the recent past so I think the timing of the webcam was perfect. Hopefully soon Austin can either get internet in his own room or he can be alone in the office so that he can talk - I'm sure William would love to hear his voice. For security purposes he can't let me hear anything that my be discussed in the office, and I get that. But I know how much William loves daddy's voice! Whenever I open his Hallmark recordable book and he hears daddy's voice he stops dead in his track, runs over and starts playing with the book trying to figure it out.

It's been a VERY long week for me, but Friday will be one month since Austin left the states, last Friday was one month since we said goodbye - and month marks are always nice. One month down, 8 to go. I know William can tell a difference, but I think he's being quite the trooper and he's definitely helping his mommy keep her sanity (though not her sleep) He's so wonderful :)

Don't Make Assumptions

Please excuse me while I jump on a soap box for just a minute...

Ok, I'm ready.

Last week I was talking with two of my coworkers when it came up that one of their wedding anniversaries was coming up. It was going to be her 22nd wedding anniversary. I asked if they were going to go out for dinner or anything to which she said, "No, you quit doing that stuff after you have kids. You don't know that yet but you will soon." I said, "I have a kid and so far we haven't quit doing stuff like that" and she said, "you haven't been married long enough, you just don't know. give it time" I told her I didn't believe that and she let me know that we haven't been through enough yet to know.

I started to open my mouth and say more than I needed to but I decided it would fall on deaf ears. But the fact is that it doesn't matter how long or short your marriage has been. That has nothing to do with it. I've seen marriages so full of love after 10, even 20, years, and I've seen marriages that are dead in the water after just one or two. The length doesn't dictate the passion, the two are not dependent on each other.

And don't presume to know what we have or have not been through in our marriage. It hasn't been long, and we still have a lot to learn. I know that. But we've been through plenty that could have put out the fire, so to speak. We just haven't allowed it to happen.

In what we are going through right now there is plenty of room for resentment, anger, bitterness and hate to grow. It would be very easy for me to be angry that I am having to be responsible for William by myself. It would be easy for my to blame Austin when I don't get sleep or when I have to miss work again and again or when I have to find babysitters so that I can work on weekends. It's his job to be the second parent. It's his place to help me when my plate is too full. I shouldn't be bouncing our child from person to person; he should be here. It'd be really easy to throw all of that in his face or hold it inside and let it fester. But I have to remember the reason we are doing what we are doing. I have to remind myself that there's a purpose, and that it's no easier for him than it is for me.

I'm sure it would be easy for him to allow those same feelings to grow too. I'm sure on his end I could appear to be selfish as I write all the time about how tired I am and how stressed I am, forgetting sometimes that he is more tired and more stressed. I'm sure he could fuel bitterness as well as I get to spend every minute with our son and I probably take some of it for granted.

There are lots of military marriages that never make it. 50% to be exact. Half! Most of those marriages never saw their 10th wedding anniversary, so how can someone assume that young marriages don't see turmoil and distress? It's not a matter of what we have or haven't seen. It's a matter of what we focus on.

Two months before my dad passed away my parents celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary and I will never forget the day that he brought the pictures in my room to show me. He had tears in his eyes as he held a picture of my mom and him, saying "Isn't she beautiful?!" He was just as in love with her then as he ever had been - and that was after 20 years of many ups and downs. Two of my best friends just celebrated their 12th wedding anniversary this past fall and they are just as in love as two teenage kids on their way to their high school prom. And two years ago I watched our friend Marty get teary eyed as he talked about how Jan has completed his life - and that was after 26 years!

So don't tell me that its because I'm just young and dumb and don't know any better. At some point along the way I think couples lose sight of why they ever got married to begin with, and I'm sure its easy to do. The point is to make sure you remind yourself over and over. I want to always be excited to have an evening alone with my husband. I want to get butterflies in my stomach when he brings flowers home. I want my children to say "ewww gross" as he kisses me across the dinner table. I want to remember, be it 5 or 50 years from now, all the reasons I fell in love with him to begin with. And I'm sorry for those people who lost sight of it too long ago to find it again.

Austin's Temporary Life

It was made clear to me this week that not everyone has an accurate picture of what life is like for our soldiers overseas. When I talk about the conversation I had with someone on Monday, please know that I understand her lack of knowledge is due to no fault of her own. If you are not surrounded by military family members like I somehow seem to be, you don't have friends in the military, and you only hear what the news tells you - how could you know the truth?

So, when Austin sent me pictures today of his temporary home I thought I'd share a little bit.

Someone asked me on Monday what Austin does on weekends. When I responded that he does the same thing as every other day she asked, "So they don't get weekend vacations?" I had to pick my jaw up off the floor - I was stunned. People really think that our military get weekend vacations when they are at war?! Further, when I tried explaining that they are at WAR and can't really just leave on a whim this person said, "Well don't they have officers clubs where they can relax and have some beer?" NO! There are no CLUBS! If there are, my husband is not aware that's for sure. What a horrible job we have done of educating our country on the full realm of sacrifice being made by these men and women.

Besides the 2 weeks of free vacation that the military offers to service members serving 9 months or more, they do not get vacations. They do not get holidays off or weekends off and other than special occasions (like the super bowl, duh) they can not have beer or alcohol. Not that alcohol is an inalienable right by any stretch of the word, but it is just another luxury that we have here at home - take it or leave it. They don't get to pick what they eat for breakfast, lunch or dinner. They don't get to relax in a nice, hot bath after a long, stressful day. Sometimes they can't even find good toothpaste!

These are just a few of the sacrifices they make to serve where they're serving. Right or wrong, winning or losing, we are at war and these people have offered to give up the luxuries that we enjoy so that others don't have to. My cousin, my brother and my husband have all given up everything so that I can still have the privilege of refilling my tub with more hot water after the first tub-full went cold; so that I have the privilege of leaving work and leaving the work and stress there while I go and enjoy the wonderful surroundings I call home. I have obviously done a poor job of making sure people know the extent of the sacrifice that is being made for them. Shame on me.

So to Austin, Brian and Jesse - and all of the service members out there - I say thanks. From the bottom of my heart. I couldn't do it in a million years, and thanks to you I don't have to.

And I thought I'd share what Austin's life looks like for the next 9 - nope, scratch that, 8 months...

This is his bed...its made, which I think is impressive :)

The closet needs some work. Maybe I can ship him some container store stuff...

And here he is. Look how handsome ;)

What I do When I'm Busy

We are behind on our provision, its not pretty. We have LOTS to do at work today. I'm very busy.



Want to know what I've done?

I've narrowed down our welcome-home vacation spot for December. We had decided we'd go to a Sandals all-inclusive resort, and I picked Sandals Royal Caribbean in Jamaica.

I want a swim up suite where my balcony walks into a pool.

I want the option to play at all the resorts possible.

I want to go back to Dunns River Falls

I want to go on a catamaran sunset ride.

And I want a damn personal butler to do all of the things that I will have had to do by myself for the previous 9 months. Mostly I just want someone to deliver margaritas to me in the pool.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think its perfectly reasonable. So I hope Austin is ok with lush beaches, unlimited food and drinks, a person at our beck and call, and a week(ish) at a luxurious resort with no one but yours truly.



I have it all planned out perfectly. Austin will get home right on schedule, because that happens so frequently you know, his reintegration will run until right after our anniversary, we will go to Texas for a couple of days for Christmas then we will find some willing soul in Houston to watch William for a week while we dart off to paradise. This is all dependent on the army, my work, a wonderful grandparent to lend their time...really I see no holes in my plan.

And so it will be.



Doesn't this sound like a productive day?

William Wednesday

Enough of this blog sadness, it's Wednesday so its time to brighten things up William-style :)

I didn't write last week mostly because I was busy at work, but I also didn't have a lot to report...because I was busy at work. My sister in law came into town last week to help me with William and he had a BLAST with her. They played, went to monkey bizness, she snuck him nilla wafers when I said no - all things that aunst are supposed to do, I know :) By the end of the week I could tell he had built a strong bond with her and really loved her. The feeling was mutual, in case you were curious.

Saturday night William and I spent the evening reacquainting ourselves with each other and had fun playing. Sunday we went to a 1 year old's birthday party where WIlliam thought he was the king of the playroom, then went and had dinner at my friend Corinne's house. William loves Corinne's daughter - really, I Think William just loves girls. Juuuuust great ;)

This week we haven't done a whole lot - but I look forward to having another full weekend with him in a couple of days. He has made my stressful days at work better just by being him though - as always. Some fun points from the past week or so:
~Yesterday I let him try walking from the truck to the mailbox then to the house rather than me holding him. The slope of the driveway was tricky for him but he loved figuring out how to balance his body weight. He fell a couple of times but didn't want any help, and when he made it to the front door he was SO excited
~At the birthday party he DEVOURED the cupcake. yellow icing everywhere. i tried to pull it away at one point and someone got a picture of him lunging towards the cupcake.
~Around his first birthday he still had a bedtime bottle of milk, and less than 2 months later he moved from that to a sippy cup and now to nothing. no bedtime drink at all. it's kind of sad for me :(
~He either recognizes Austin on his daddy doll more now, or he misses him more now - I don't know, but he cuddles with daddy a lot these days.
~He really enjoys being outside. When I let layla out to go potty I have to be quick on getting the door closed or he'll dart out there too. Looking forward to warmer weather so I can let him run around and play
~He loves to give me hugs. He'll be in the middle of playing, run to me to hug me, then quickly run back to playing.

I'm sorry I don't have more details from the week - this weekend I will make an effort take lots of pictures and create fun stories to share. For now, I'm just busy keeping up with him!!!

Faith Like a Child

Kris, do you have your tissues? Hope so.

A lot of people are asking me how I feel right now, about what I'll get to later, and the answer is that I don't know. So, I'm trying to figure that out. Process, think, evaluate - trying to get to where I can say how I feel. I'll take you along my thought-process journey, and I'll start with a story I don't think anyone knows.

When I was in 6th grade the Chicken Soup for the Soul books became very popular and I loved reading the short stories. One day after school I was sitting in my room reading some from the 2nd edition and one story in particular hit too close to home and broke my heart. The author was a college aged girl who's dad had just passed away from cancer. All of her friends were talking about how he was such a wonderful example of how a father should be: he made special trips with just her, he wrote notes on her lunch napkins, he left her surprises in random places, and he was very involved in her life. She talked about how she wouldn't have him at her wedding, he wouldn't meet his grandkids, etc. At the time my dad was cancer- free, but I was so fearful that the story was foreshadowing into my future.

My dad wrote notes in my lunch box.
My dad and I had special dates.
My dad was the most involved dad of any of my friends.
And I was terrified that he would miss my wedding and miss being a grandfather.

My dad came in and saw me crying, so I made him read the story. He pulled me onto his lap and said, "That isn't going to be us baby girl, I will do anything I can to be sure that it won't be us". He all but promised me.

So with childhood faith I believed. I believed my dad and I believed that God had the power to make sure that the story I read wasn't going to be the story of my life. And up to 3 weeks before my dad passed away, I believed with every ounce in my body. Family members had already accepted that he would one day pass away and that cancer had won. He had already resigned to the truth that he would never see 1999. Not me though. When I realized the truth he was already almost gone, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I never knew exactly what the phrase "faith like a child" meant, but that was it. I truly had faith like a child and with all my innocence I believed up until the bitter end.

Fast forward to today. Everyone wants to know how I am feeling, how I'm doing, and all I can think is that I wish I would have faith like a child again. My aunt Mandy has been diagnosed with breast cancer and I want someone to sit and tell me that she's going to join the club of survivors. I want to hear it, and I want to believe it. I want the confidence and certainty that I had when I was 12.

Aunt Mandy. The one I wrote about in January; the one my parents thought so highly of to offer her name to their daughter; the one who has made a point to be involved in every aspect of my life despite distance; the one who travelled to Texas for William's baptism, to Colorado for his birthday; one of the single most important people in my life. She has cancer? How? Why? What did she do? What did we as a family do?

I know, from my own experience and from general logic, that she didn't do anything; we didn't do anything. But those same questions that flooded my brain 16 years ago are storming their way back in now. The root of the confusion is that I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. I know we live in a sinful world and that there is evil all around us. But why do bad things happen to good people? Aunt Mandy is an incredible person in more ways than I can describe. Why should she endure this? And at the end of the day I have to figure out how to separate one battle lost from this one. Different person, different cancer, different battle. Just because God didn't cure my dad doesn't me he won't cure Mandy. I know this.

I just need to have faith in this. Faith like a child. How do I get that?

I didn't Think it'd be Hard

You know how sometimes you want something really bad, you get it and then realize it still isn't exactly what you wanted? I decided 3 months ago that once Austin was gone I wanted to sell my trailblazer. It was nearly paid off so I paid it off, got it all dolled up (cleaned), and listed it for sale online. I was so anxious and didn't understand why after 24 hours it hadn't sold. I just wanted it gone! I whined about having to fill 2 cars up with gas, I didn't drive it for 2 weeks and the battery died, it needed an oil change and new tires...it was just a huge pain and I was so ready to be done with it.

I sold it yesterday. A couple drove 2 hours to Denver to pick it up and they were SO excited about their beautiful new vehicle.

And it took everything I had to not cry as I rode away in a friend's car. If I had been alone or with someone else I probably would have cried, but this was Austin's First Sergeant and I was not about to cry over a stupid car in front of him.



Why was I sad? This is what I wanted. This is what I begged for, whined about, stressed over. There are lots of reasons why selling it made so much sense and was a good choice, and I know that. I know that. And it's just a car. It's not like I just sold my corvette or my first house or signed my life away or anything. It's a CAR!



I guess when you go trade a vehicle in you miss out on the sadness because your excitement over your new vehicle out weighs your trade in. Or maybe I'm just the only person in the world who gets sad over a car, I don't know. But I don't have a new car to be excited about, all I'm left with is an extra car seat and an empty garage. And somehow that makes the fact that Austin is gone for a long time a lot more real. We don't need 2 cars. We don't need 2 car seats. It's just me. I've known this, but somehow selling the car just drove the nail in a little deeper.

The positive side here is that once the check from their lender clears Austin's truck will be paid off and we will have no vehicle payments. What a relief! Then I can focus on saving, saving, saving so that at the end of this year I do have a new car to be excited about. And a husband at home to share in the excitement.

What day is it?

I haven't written since Monday - I've apparently lost my muse. I've thought about writing. I even had a draft written. But most of the things I've found to write about this week were just griping and bitching and moaning and groaning - so what's the point? Doesn't help really.

Austin emailed me yesterday morning while I was sleeping and in his email he thanked me for having such a good attitude. A good attitude? Hmm, interesting. I thought I had a pretty crappy one lately, but I guess I've shielded him from that. He said that it helps him to know that I'm doing well, staying positive, being happy, etc. Then he explained how a few other people haven't been as fortunate with their wives' attitudes and it has really weighed on them. He went on about how I'm the best wife in the world, I'm such a good mom, he doesn't know where I find the strength, yadda yadda yadda. And while I loved reading it all, I felt a slight pang of guilt because I don't think I've had a great attitude. I think I've just chosen not to tell him. So, since it means so much to him and since technically I owe him after deceiving him, I'm deciding to try and adjust my attitude.

I need to adjust my attitude towards work, towards deployment, towards the army...maybe even more than that, but those 3 for now. A coworker of mine gave me a plaque for my office when I first came back to work after having William. He knew it was a tough transition for me to get back into the mindset that anything here at my job matters at all, because all I felt was that what mattered was at home. He said his mom gave him the plaque and he wanted me to keep it as a reminder and once I didn't need it anymore I could give it back. If you're wondering - I still have it. Here is what it says:
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string that we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes

I miss Austin every day. I want to slap my coworker who gripes about her husband every day. I want to scream at my other coworker who does a happy dance when her husband leaves every weekend. I want to yell when people tell me the hours we're working are "hard on all of us". But none of those things are in my control. Maybe the women who gripe about their husbands don't have the love in their marriages that I do. Maybe the other people who are struggling with our long hours go home and don't have the precious baby boy sleeping down the hall that I do. I know we're all fighting our own battles, and I know that inflicting negativity on others because I am grumpy with my circumstances doesn't make my life any easier and it doesn't make their days any more bearable either. And if for no other persuasive reason, I know that Austin appreciates a good attitude.

From halfway around the world there's not a lot I can do for him. I can't fix the fact that someone lost their bags in transit 2 days ago and he, therefore, slept on the floor with a crumpled up uniform top as a pillow and a thin sheet as a blanket in 20 degree weather. I can't fix the fact that the food sucks or that he hasn't been able to workout since he got there. I can't make any of that better, among other things he's dealing with, so if all I can do for him is have a good attitude over here then I better get on that. And maybe soon I can give Kevin his plaque back.

My Son, the Little Flirt

Saturday was William's Art Gala for school. I wasn't really sure what to expect going into it or what it'd be like, but I knew I was super excited to get William dressed up in his tuxedo. His school's director lost her best friend 12 years ago and she had suffered from cystic fibrosis, so she created this annual fundraiser for the cystic fibrosis foundation.

The classrooms all have a nice art project that each kid creates, then they put all of the artwork on display boards around the room at a country club. It was such a fancy venue and so well put together. Most importantly: William had a BLAST. Oh my goodness was he excited! When we first got there he saw Miss Cassie and was a little confused. I could see his face trying to figure out why she looked so different (make up, hair done, nice clothes) and why he was seeing her at this weird place that wasn't school. Then once he recognized her and kind of figured it out he was happy to see her.

THEN he saw Miss Sabrena. His new love. And oh my gosh I really don't know if I've seen him grin so big as he did when Miss Sabrena was holding him and Miss Kim walked up. Eventually he had Sabrena, Kim AND Jennifer all around him, passing him around - and he looked like he was in his own form of Heaven. I told them I felt like I was watching The Bachelor - girls stealing him away from each other and him feeling as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.

We walked around for a little bit looking at all the art, the teachers passed him around periodically, then when it was nearing the end I bought his art and headed home. It was a "suggested donation" of $50 for all of his art and it all went to the charity. So, it was a successful event. And look how darn cute he is!!! His tux jacket was WAY too big, but I think he looks more studly without it anyway :)

A Couple of Updates

I have had quite a few people ask me questions on the following topics, so I thought I'd write a quick update on both to maybe answer some questions. I can't be all that clear on either one for public internet reasons, but I'll try to get to the points.

#1 What is Austin up to
Austin left Colorado on Feb 18 for Georgia where he spent a week doing a whole lot of repeat work. He left Georgia Feb 25 and called me about 26 hours later from Kuwait. He then called me Monday, which I missed, and said he had arrived at the main area of Afghanistan. He will be there for a short amount of time doing some in country training, then he will go out into his permanent location to relieve the current guys. I do not know where his permanent location will be, and he will likely travel around a lot and just be at that location every few days. I do not have an address yet and won't have one until he gets there. He is sleeping in a 100 man tent right now but has luckily snagged the top bunk above his for all his gear in hopes to have a little bit of space to himself. He is frustrated so far and pretty homesick, but optimistic that once he gets started on his job things will get better for him. The internet where he is right now is horrible and costs $10 for 10 hours. The phone system is equally bad. We are hoping that communication will be easier once he gets to his final place, otherwise this could be pretty frustrating for both of us. We were a little spoiled with the internet and phones in Iraq. I send him an email every night about what William was up to for the day and he has read them, but he hasn't responded. He said he just has short bouts of successful connection for now, so he hasn't had the opportunity to do much emailing on his own.

Some people have asked about sending care packages. Last deployment I sent him a package every Monday. How ambitious of me! This time my goal is to send one once a month. It gets pricey, buying stuff to fill the boxes, but most of all its time consuming. Shopping, packing, then waiting in line - took a good deal of time. If you would like me to include things for you in my monthly packages that would be fine or if you'd like to send your own packages that'd be fine too. (or neither, hey its your choice!) If you have something specific you want to send him, or would like me to buy to send him, that works or if you need ideas I can help out some. Other than packages, he enjoys getting cards and letters too which are much easier to manage. And even if he is unable to respond to emails, I know he enjoys receiving them. He has trouble expressing his gratitude (duh, he's a man) but I do know that it means a great deal to him when he hears from people. So anything you want to do would be greatly appreciated.

#2 When I went to that elusive place that day where I thought I might need new clothes...what was the outcome? Well, I went into it knowing that it was essentially a step backwards for me. It was appaeling for a lot of reasons, that being one of them. It is hard to communicate that you WANT a step backwards without sounding bad...so that was tricky. 50% of the decision makers wanted to meet me again, 50% were concerned that I would quickly be bored and move on. I would quickly be bored, but I wouldn't move on. That apparently was too much of a risk.

I have mixed feelings at this point. I do want a slower pace of things. I also know that I am surrounded by people who know me, know my situation, can read my emotions, etc. Other than the key leaders I am in a great environment of people and that's a hard thing to walk away from. We are all finding ourselves in that predicament, actually, and if we could all walk away together that would be ideal. At least 3 of us :) I have not pursued anything else as my parameters are pretty specific. Location, time, etc. I don't have the luxury of widening those 2 categories unfortunately. So, while I am still stuck in some ways I do think that there are a lot of things about my current situation that are good for me.

Not the most exciting blog, but honestly - I feel like a broken record on these 2 things lately and there may be more of you who were curious and hadn't asked. So, thought I'd share.

Ok, I'll write something a LITTLE more fun too. Guess what happens next Friday??????

William Wednesday

I am sitting here trying to think of what happened since the last time I posted. I feel like my list should be much longer, because I feel like it's been much more than a week since my last William Wednesday. It's just been a week? That's slightly discouraging. I'm in a tough spot. As a parent, we want time to pass slowly. We want to savor every minute as if it were an hour. But, as an army wife with a deployed husband we want time to travel at warp speed. Where's the balance? I guess it doesn't really matter- one minute is always going to be sixty seconds, and one hour will always be sixty minutes - regardless of how it feels.

The week has been fun, though. On Thursday I had a huge scare. I was taking a brief intermission from work because I had noticed on facebook that a friend of mine had suffered the tragic loss of his 4 month old daughter. As I was updating myself on his life, as blogger stalkers like to do, I was reading the details about her last day. Moments, literally moments, after I read that she passed away at her sitter's house my phone rang. And who was it? William's school. My heart sunk as I swallowed the watermelon sized lump in my throat just to say "hello?" Elise informed me that William was fine all morning but woke up from his nap with 103 fever and needed to go home. Naturally I am freaking out. I hurried to pick him up and drove straight to the doctor without having an appointment yet. We spent 2 hours at the doctor's office - partially because we had to wait for test results and partially because the PA had to go to the hospital for a personal reason so the doctor was seeing all the patients rather than just his appointments. In the end, though, we spent 3 hours at the doctor's office to find out nothing was wrong. But, because his fever had been over 102 I couldn't return him to daycare for at least 24 hours. I was not pleased to know that the day Austin would be travelling half way around the world I'd be at home with a sick baby with nothing to distract me.

It turned out to be a little hidden blessing from God, though, because I didn't have a sick baby. He was far from sick. I have no idea what the fever was about but he was 100% fine, happy, playful, healthy baby on Friday. So, we ran some errands, played at Monkey Bizness, and Austin got to say bye to William on the phone. Sometimes things happen for very special reasons.

We had a fun weekend - wonderful friends invited me to dinner Friday night, more invites on Saturday night...people are very good at secretly trying to make sure I'm ok. They never ask, they never look at my like I'm an orphan on the street corner but they make sure I'm not alone and make sure I am having fun. Wonderful, wonderful friends. William had a lot of fun at our friend's house Friday night. They have a 3 year old son and William thought he was SO COOL. He watched everything he did and tried to mimic him a lot.

I kept a list of things that William did on the weekend so I could update Austin, so here are some key points:
~loves feeding layla more and more, and likes to drop things through the hole in his high chair tray and see layla catch them
~reaches toward Austin in our family picture ALL the time and loves when I stop there and hold him so he can touch austin's arm
~he leaned his foot towards me when I said "can i put your sock on?"
~said "mama" while standing at my feet and holding his arms out for me to pick him up - first time that I think he used the word in the right context
~had avocado for dinner sunday and LOVED smooshing it in his hair. kinda liked eating it :)
~was intrigued when we had a facetime talk with my mom and he could see her on the phone
~ate some cantaloupe sorbet and absolutely loved it...gave mommy a reason to NEED the kitchenaid ice cream attachment for my mixer :)
~stacked 4 mega bloks!!!

Yesterday when I picked William up Miss Cassie told me, "William had a great day. He didn't even fuss when he saw Miss Kim and Miss Jennifer through the window today!" I told her how I had issues leaving my teachers in school and it always took me a little while to adjust. She had such a good turn on how to view it. She said, "Well, see, he's like you. You both build really great bonds, that's all". What a positive spin on it!

This weekend we are going to his school's annual Art Gala where I will bid on his art and he will wear a tuxedo. I'm SO excited and can't wait to snap some cute pics of my little baby in his tux. How grown up he'll look. Now if only I knew what I was going to wear...

Is This True?

I read some alarming financial statistics yesterday. Among a few other frightening facts, I read that 59.6% of Americans spend more than they earn.

Really? So on average 6 out of every 10 people you see are living on credit and racking up debt faster than they can pay it? REALLY?!

I don't even know what to say! I'm stunned. I think working in the field I do gives me a false perception of what the common financial-sense is because we are all educated in that field, have information about finances and have the same general personality and beliefs on number-type things. But I am truly shocked to know that there are THAT many people who are living on nothing. Truly, that's what it is. Credit is nothing.

And what confuses me is...eventually doesn't the gravy train run dry? How do people sustain living on credit? I would think that eventually companies would stop approving people for loans and cards and accounts and all the other ways that people can live on credit. So once you've racked up all your cards and accounts, then what? It takes decades to pay off that kind of debt.

I used to see those commercials for debt consolidation and when I'd hear them talk about people losing sleep I didn't quite understand what the big deal was. To me, debt is my student loans, my house, and cars (which will soon be PAID OFF!!!) So I don't understand how people get so far in debt that it eats away at their time, their sleep and their daily lives. What do people need SO BAD that they can't wait until they have the money for it? We don't use credit cards. We don't open credit accounts unless we have the cash already and are doing it just because its interest free for 12 months. Then we hold the cash and pay it off before interest is accrued. I don't think this is rocket science, and I don't think I ever took a class on it - it just makes sense. If my washer and dryer cost $1,000 why would I want to pay a penny more than that in interest?

I do understand that if your washer/dryer busts(or whatever the unplanned expense is) and you don't have the cash on hand you have no option. But why then would you continue to eat out at restaurants, spend frivolously on unnecessary things while racking up unnecessary costs? Interest is essentially throwing money in the trash can. Literally. Imagine that you bring home your brand new beautiful washer and dryer and after installation you take a couple $100 bills and just throw them in the trash. That's what you're doing when you pay interest. So why wouldn't you pay it off as SOON as possible - meaning avoid the excess expenses until its done? I just don't get it.

I get a lot of people who scoff at me for the fact that we don't use credit cards. And that's fine, scoff away. I know that we are missing out on free flights, free points, extra perks and all of that. But, when you look at the statistics that you spend, on average, 13% more when you use credit cards I think we're still winning out in the end. That's just me. Maybe we'd spend the same, maybe we'd be just as disciplined. But I figure - why risk it? What we're doing has worked so far so no need to change it up for the hope that we'd gain a few free flights.

I guess the part that just gets under my skin is I feel like the majority of the issue here is that we, as Americans, have a sense of entitlement. We think that we need things, we deserve things. Maybe I can't afford this TV today but my neighbor has one and he's no better than I am, I need one too. Maybe my car runs just fine but my best friend just got a cool new one and I need one too. Maybe I don't have any money left from my paycheck but gosh darn it I deserve these new shoes after the hell I endured today. Sure, sometimes I catch myself in this selfish sense of entitlement too. It's hard sometimes to reign yourself in. But where does it come from? Where on earth did we ever get the idea that we just innately deserve these luxuries in life without having to work for them? What happened to the notion that you work for what you want? You work, you save and THEN you earn. Not the other way around.

I guess I'm just a bit perplexed. Please help me understand.