I'm not intending for every Monday to be a recap of my church service, but so far God has completely molded me and shaped me and taken me into church just how I needed to be in order to hear what he has I say. And if he is speaking to me so loudly, I can't not share.
Sunday I didn't want to go to church. I woke up intending to go, but not wanting to go. I took a shower, did my hair, got dressed...nothing was changing my mood. I was mad at myself for laying in bed on pinterest for an hour, then rushing through getting ready, I was mad that my new cardigan didn't fit how I want it to, I was mad that I hadn't done the laundry the day before...I was just mad. And I didn't want to go to Church alone...again...who wants to do that? But I kept telling myself, 'this is when we need to go most. We are going'
At some point in there kaila and I were texting and I said, 'and I'm in a shitty mood and have absolute no reason to be. Good thing I'm going to church!'
If you think god doesn't have a sense of humor, or a sense of irony at the least, you are wrong. Not 2 minutes after I told kaila about my shitty mood I walked into Williams's room to get him dressed and guess what? He was in a shitty mood...err, crib...a shitty CRIB. He had taken his pants and dirty diaper off at some point during the night and spread the contents around for all to share. We wouldn't want doggie or dada doll or green bear or Mickey or teddy or blankie or sheet or blanket or bumper to feel left out (ok note to self: reduce crib clutter) no no no there was plenty to share.
And the SMELL! I'll spare you. I wasn't oblivious to God's humor here, I just wasn't laughing. Everything in me said we weren't going to church, yet everything in me said I couldn't be anywhere BUT church. So...we went.
And you know what? 10 minutes in I still didn't want to be there! One of the deacons was talking about the villages in Africa that the church supports and while one part of my brain said 'see Amanda, one crap filled morning doesn't even compare to poor Matilda's 9 years of existence in abuse and neglect and a diseased world' the other half of my brain said 'oh STOP God! I NEVER throw pity parties but damn it, I am today and I do NOT want you to try to show me how other people have it worse. I KNOW other people have it worse, but today I just want to think about ME ok?' No joke...I really had that mental argument with myself. Really. Yes, that's how selfish I can be.
I listened to the deacon, I sang the songs, and I was convinced I'd just go through the motions this time. My heart was cold and hard and nothing was going to change that. The pastor came out, asked everyone to close their eyes and mentally answer his question: does anyone in here have a spot in their lives where they feel weak? Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially...is there a place of weakness in your life? And let me ask you this...when you have these moments of weakness...do you like it? Or do you hate it?
Well. Crap.
That's where we are going today God? We are going to shed light on my weakness and look at your presence in it all? And how you can use it for your glory? Well there goes my plans for being cold hearted and selfish. Thanks. A. Lot.
The pastor went on to look into the story of Gideon and his army of 300 taking over 135,000 soldiers. With trumpets. Talk about weakness! But the part of the passage that the pastor keyed into most was that God purposely made the army as weak as possible then used them for His glory so that all would know it was Him.
Didn't I JUST say I wanted it to be about ME for a day? Way to meet me exactly where I was! I didn't want my day to be about God or about children in Africa or about anything other than me. Me. Me.
The message reminded me of a conversation I had on Friday night with a woman from the church. I went to a lady's craft night and when I was talking with some women I'd never met one of them said, 'wow, to come here by yourself while your husband is gone...that's very brave. I don't know if I could be a military wife. How do you do it?'
I explained (in a way I don't think I've ever thought of it before...) that the lessons I've learned through my marriage are a lot like the lessons I've learned through my faith. There are moments during our separations when the world says I should be mad. When I spend my anniversary alone...the day that is supposed to be about being showered with love and affection...when I'm coughing up my lungs and packing a toddler's lunch by myself...when I'm standing on the side of the road cursing my husband's poorly designed truck jack...those are times when the world tells me 'HEY, THIS ISN'T FAIR! This plain stinks! What about you? What about your needs? What about what you DESERVE? Boy does your husband owe you!!!' But what it has taught me is that there's something bigger than me. There's something greater than me. It's not always about me. He chose to serve something greater than himself, something greater than me, and I chose to stand by him. He doesn't owe me! It isn't about me! And through learning that lesson (over and over and over again, thank you US Army) I have been able to be a better wife, a better example, a better mother and a better person.
I hadn't ever looked at it in that light, and I know that God sent that woman to ask me that so that he could help me work through it in a new way. And prepare me for another lesson on Sunday. He has brought me right where I am. He has made me weak that through him I may be strong, and that I may shine His light in the world. We never know the ways in which He plans to use us. I may have touched no one in this year of weakness and struggle, or I may be an inspiration to thousands. Ok, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Not thousands. But maybe one! Maybe he has used my struggles to touch someone else. To motivate someone or show them they can do it. To teach someone. Or maybe He is using this year solely to shape me and prepare me for ways He will use me in the future.
I don't know. I don't know his plan or even what he has already done. But I don't need to know, because it isn't about me. It's about Him, and I made it to church Sunday morning all thanks to Him.
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