A home

William and I tried a new church yesterday. It was good and bad, as any church would be. Finding a church home has been a huge challenge and a source of frustration for years.

Austin and I were raised going to the same church and because we were both members there since before we can remember we always felt very at home. We knew everyone, knew our way around the building with our eyes closed, and it was very much ingrained as part of us. That is a wonderful blessing for a child and I am so thankful that both of our parents found such a church home for us. Plus that's how we met :)

The down side, though, has been that when we walk in a church and feel like visitors we don't know how to take it. I would love to think our church was welcoming and warm and inviting
To visitors but I really have no clue. But it's almost as if we walk into churches expecting to instantly feel like its our home, and that doesn't happen. The end result of that is that we've visited lots and haven't ever settled in.

There was one church that we went to for about a year, but in a years time we felt just as awkward as we did the first day we went. It was a Lutheran church which is about as close to the style of church we'd like as we would find here in Denver. It was casual like our church in Houston, it was roughly the same size, has a liturgical service...very similar. But the weekly sermons were hit or miss, music (which is a huge part of worship for me) was sub-par, and we never really met anyone. That is partially our fault, yes. We never went to events or small groups, and we didn't attend Sunday school. But I always felt like the members should have taken note that there was a young couple who sat 5 rows up every Sunday and eventually come by and introduced themselves.

We never made a conscious decision to quit going, but what happens when you aren't drawn to something is you forget you even wanted to do it in the first place.

Maybe William was sick one week and then the next we were tired and then before you know it we haven't gone in a month and then it's just hard to go back. I don't really know what happened. But I know we weren't drawn to be there and, to no one's fault but ours, we quit going.

I've tried 3 churches since Austin left, before yesterday. Each had pros and cons but none were intriguing. I also had the devil in my ear as I walked through the churches telling me that people must be judging me as if I were the town harlet and this poor child must be illegitimate. Why else would a woman come to church by herself with a one year old? And then people must be pitying my son for his unfortunate life.

Note: I would personally NEVER think these things if I saw a woman with a baby. Whether she was single or not. But the little devil on my shoulder had me paranoid enough to constantly flaunt my ring like a girl who got engaged just hours before.

In addition, sitting alone in a service is not an easy thing to do. In high school I went to church with friends. In college I went with my boyfriend and then after we broke up I knew people there. But walking into a room of hundreds of strangers by myself..,not easy.

The devil has an easy job here.

But I don't want to keep saying I don't attend a church because growing up my church was too good. What a lame excuse. And unless I go, I won't ever know anyone. And I want William to know that praying and reading our bible isn't enough, but that we go to church too.

So yesterday we tried a new one, and over all it went well. I have my complaints - they are trying hard to be hip and trendy which I don't like in a church, but I do see that they do it to reach people. The music was not what I'd imagine in my dream church, but better than any we've tried. The sermon was great, and William had a blast in nursery. And lots of people greeted me!

So, I am going to go to this church from now until Austin gets home. I'm going to give it - give ME - a fair shot. I am going to a woman's group craft make and take night next week. And when Austin is home he can come with us and as a family we can decide what exactly it is we are looking for.

Maybe this church won't be our church home, but it's a lot better than not going at all. So please pray that this church will reach my heart and that when Austin gets home we may feel settled here. Even if it's just for a year, please pray we have found a temporary home.

- manda