I did my hair

Today was officially my first day at my new job. I would love to tell you where I work, but I learned in my new hire orientation today that I am not allowed to make mention of the company name in a personal blog or on facebook. Really. So, I guess it'll be a big secret where I work. I didn't see my desk and I only saw my coworkers when they met me in the cafeteria for lunch, so it wasn't a REAL day of work...but I was there so it counts right?

In my new-employee over zealous attempt to make a good impression I did my hair. Honestly, I don't know why I bothered. In all reality I actually 'do' my hair maybe once a week...and sometimes that's pushing it. So part of me thinks I was giving a false impression. On the days I don't 'do' my hair I simply towel dry it, run scrunching cream through it, stick it all in a rubber band on the top of my head like pebbles flinstone, and then remove the rubber band only when I have arrived at work. Just hope for the best! If it's a good curling day, i smile in approval as i glance at it in the truck windows. If it's a bad curling day, I know it will be in a ponytail by lunch time.

So why did I do my hair today? Do I honestly think that I will have more hair ambition with my new job? Sadly, I honestly do. I really did think through the process this morning, telling myself: if you just take a shower at night, blow dry it, then get up with the first alarm there's no reason why you can't straighten your hair everyday.

Yup, and there's also no reason why I am not a size 4 either. No reason.

Ah well, for today I did my hair. Thats what counts. Happy first day of employment to me:)


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Hard to Get Excited

I'm sitting here, alone in my room, the only noise I hear is the vibrations of my ceiling fan. This is the time with which I am "supposed" to do things for myself. Savor the nap time! I should be taking a nap or reading a book or doing some sort of craft or drinking a beer...or really, doing anything that revolves only around me. For this is the only time in the day which is not devoted to someone else.

Yet I am just sitting here.

This is the part of the deployment where things get less-fun. Were they fun before? Questionable. But more fun than they are now. I am not sad, I am not weepy, I am not lonely...Or maybe I am all of the above. I do not feel like any of those things, but I am also not the opposite. I remember this emptiness and void of emotion from the last deployment...and I distinctly remember it started in June. I guess I'm a little early this time. It is the time when I can't remember what it was like to have Austin home with me. It is the time when I don't recall what its like to have someone greet me with a hug at the end of the day. It's the time when all of those things are a distant memory, and they are too far away to get excited about again.

Void of emotion, that's the best way to put it. I am not purposely blocking out my feelings, I am not suppressing anything, I am not lying or putting on a front...I just don't feel any of it. I feel numb. And everywhere I turn, I feel like all people want to talk about is the one thing that is making me feel (or not feel) this way: deployment.

People talk about it like I'm not standing here. Have you ever done this to people? I will be a mere few feet away as people quietly talk to each other, saying, "Oh, that must be so hard" or "Now how long is her husband gone again?" or other things pertaining to the sadness they feel for me. I hesitate to call it pity, because I am trying to convince myself it is anything but that, but that's how it feels. I am right here! I can hear you! I'm listening! And yet, I sit quietly and just let them chatter. Just like I can't muster up the excitement over seeing Austin again, I can't muster up the courage to tell these people what I want them to hear.

Then I stop and think - I still have my soldier(s...all of them, praise Jesus!) I still have their lives as a part of mine. Today we remember those who gave everything, and the families who no longer have them. The families who deal with the whispering and chattering every day. The brave men and women who gave everything. My burden is short lived while their families' is forever. And it is thanks to them that I am able to write this today. It is thanks to the lives lost, and thanks to their families for supporting and sacrificing. Even though excitement may be hard to muster right now, I still have so very much to be excited about. I have four amazing family members and countless friends who have offered up their time and made the sacrifice to protect our nation - and they are just a fraction of all that I have to be thankful for. Excited or not, I am thankful.

So, now that I've already made a few greeting cards in my craft room, worked on William's scrapbook, prepared our lunches for tomorrow, and tidied up a bit I am left waiting for nap time to end. Because when little bear is awake, I am no longer void of emotion. I am filled with elation. He doesn't look at me with sadness or pity. He doesn't whisper my name to the people around him, and he doesn't worry about how I am feeling or what I am going through. He just wants to be with me. He just wants to laugh and play and love and be happy. And although it is hard for me to get excited about anything, that's all I want too. When he wakes up he will remind me of all that I have to be excited about, and he will help carry me through this slump that is the middle of deployment. So much responsibility on such tiny shoulders, and yet somehow he manages to carry the burden every day. He amazes me.

William Wednesday

Reason number 1 why I could not be unemployed full time: I have no bearing on what has gone on over the last 5 days. I really don't even know that it's been 5 days. I feel like I've accomplished a lot, yet I also don't feel like I've done anything...it's a tricky thing really. At some points I have thought 'how did I ever get these things done when I worked?' (as if I worked soooo long ago that I can't remember) and at other times I have thought 'what on earth have I done with my time?' the point of all of this being...I know William and I have had fun, but I don't quite remember how...

I know friday was parents night out at Goddard so I didn't pick him up until 9:30. He was still awake and ate 2 pieces of pizza...clearly they are way more fun than mommy! Saturday and sunday he took 3 hour naps both days, and Sunday he was ready for nap 2.5 hours early...so I am thinking he is growing. Either that or he was still making up for friday :)

Monday and Tuesday I didn't set an alarm and instead decided I would let him be my alarm. Well, that would work except my internal clock wakes up before his apparently. Yesterday he didn't wake up until after 8. So, I decided I needed to keep his schedule as best as I can, that way next week isn't a big fight :) so today I woke him up at 7 as usual, and he was a happy little bear. He is much more of a morning person than me :(

He is becoming a very good climber and on Sunday he threw an epic fit over the fact that I would not let him climb on the coffee table. I know, I know - what kind of mom am I? Miss Cassie told me yesterday he was very upset that they wouldn't let him climb on the bookshelf so they went into storage and got more of the foam climbing toys and she said he climbed all afternoon. So THAT's where all the food I feed him goes...cause it certainly doesn't go to his waist!

And about food...he is the best little eater, I am impressed every time he eats something new. Last night he had orange and rosemary glazed chicken...I am absolutely sure I wouldn't have even tried one bite of that until maybe junior high. Maybe. And it was so good! He ate as much chicken as me. We also had garlic red potatoes...which I indulged in a little more than him :) tonight we are going to have a chicken dish that was mimi's recipe. When I was on bed rest I typed up my mom's recipe book for her and found a recipe card in mimi's handwriting so i kept it. I snuck a bite when I pulled it out of the oven Monday night and it was delicous! I'm so excited to see what William thinks :)

I am looking forward to our 4 day weekend coming up and hoping that Denver weather can get the rain out of the system before the weekend. I am so sick of not being able to play outside with william...and I can tell he is itching for some sunshine too because he tries to sneak out with Layla when she goes potty!

Here's to hoping for a beautiful memorial day weekend...and more pictures for next week :)


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Hotel Wallis

Hotel Wallis is open for the summer...and I am SO excited at how booked the schedule is!!!

First, MissJan and MrMarty are coming to town for a wedding and they'll be staying with us for the weekend! I don't know yet what we'll do when they aren't at the wedding, but I am so excited to have my pseudo parents in town!

After they leave I will have to quickly change the sheets because there's no rest for this hotel...Brian and Sarah are coming to town too! Brian has to report to Fort Carson next week and Sarah is coming up with him to help get him settled. I am so excited to meet her for the first time, to see Katy dog (and see William terrorize her) and to watch William and Uncle Brian play!!!

Then, possibly while Brian and Sarah are still here (depending on his housing situation) Alexis is coming up for the weekend. We are going to celebrate our summer birthdays together and just play and have fun. While I love our husbands, I am always excited for time together without them holding us down :)

If June wasn't already exciting enough, guess who is temporarily relocating to Colorado for the majority of the summer? One of my best friends and favorite cousins...Kyle! Haha, ok so cheslea is one of my best friends and favorite cousins but I could not adore her husband any more so he falls right into that category :) they will be here for work, but there will be plenty of time for play too!!!

There is a short break when the hotel will be out of business. Between a trip to South Carolina for Austin's family "reunion", the Army Ball, and Kaila's wedding things will be a little busy around here and I wouldn't be able to be the best hostess I could be. So - we're closing shop. But not for long, because after Kaila's wedding Addie is coming to town to ring in 27 in style! We've spent all but 1 birthday together since we turned 21 and we so no reason to end that now ;) At some point in July my mom will be coming up to help out, we just have to work out the dates. This new job threw a curve into my summer scheduling.

Then...the most EXCITING PART OF THE SUMMER(not to diminish the rest of you buuuutttt)...Austin comes home for 2 weeks in August and his parents are coming to see him. I am SO excited...I don't think I even have to elaborate...for Austin to come home. I know the 2 weeks will feel like 2 minutes, but that's ok - it will be so wonderful to be together as a family again.

If you wanna fill in our few remaining open slots you better let me know fast. We're a busy little duo, little bear and I, and we are so excited for this fun filled summer. And with all the plans we have, I am optimistic that it will all just FLY by.

So, let's get started :)

May 19 - What a Wonderful Day

I have been excited for May 19 for MONTHS. Well, at least one month I know for sure.

May 19th marks the day that we are officially closer to R&R than we are to the last time we saw each other. So...over halfway to seeing Austin again. WAHOOOOO!!!! May 16 was fun too as it was the day we were out of the 200's on our daily countdown (who am I kidding, he isn't on a daily countdown this early...only insane people count down from 280) But...we're in the 100's!!! Happy dance happy dance.

To celebrate, I think I will book our tickets for our R&R vacation :) We are going to spend some time at home and then we're planning to take William to San Diego. We wanted a beach location with plenty to entertain an 18 month old...what better than the San Diego zoo? Plus it, along with sea world, is free for military so if William hates them we didn't lose any money. Win WIn!

So, happy halfway point to us! Now its time to plan plan plan. It's like 2 presents in one :)

**be looking for a triple happy dance when we break into the double digits on our countdown...which should be around Austin's birthday!!!**

Grab some popcorn

I didn't blog at work today because I was pretty busy trying to be sure to wrap a few things up before my last day, and also - I needed some time to organize my thoughts on this week! My mom told me that William is getting so busy I may need 2 days devoted to blogging about him...and it's true!! He does so much and has so many stories, and I don't want to leave any out.

The weather here has been nuts...Denver apparently doesn't know we are 2 months into spring. Last Wednesday it was snowing. And not just any snow...it was a downpour and the flakes were the size of quarters. William was fascinated! He has never seen such big flakes, and I'm not really sure when the last time snow fell large enough that he could even recognize it. He kept catching flakes in his hand and he laughed at the flakes through the sunroof the entire drive home from school.

Three of his 'daily reports' over the last week have involved dancing stories, and one night he even graced me with his dancing. It's so much fun! We hold hands and he bops up and down, working himself up in laughter. Then when he can't control the dancing AND laughing anymore, he falls backwards on the floor and just laughs and laughs. He definitely amuses himself.

Speaking of amusing himself, now that he is virus-free he has decided that rocking him at night isn't necessary. He decided this a few weeks ago, but then he got sick and I got my cuddle bear back. Well - now he just wants me to lay him in his crib once he's tired and he will entertain himself until he falls asleep. Some nights it's 20 minutes, some nights 5. It reminds me of me when iwas younger...I had a bed full of animals and I talked and talked and talked. My mom couldn't listen through a baby monitor, though, so maybe her evenings were more productive. Me, I just like listening :)

He has become so helpful lately. He likes to do things for me and help me whenever he can. One of the things he likes to do his carry his humidifier from his bedroom to the bathroom at bath time so I can fill it up. He did it a few nights in a row, then last Thursday I set the humidifier down on the floor, turned to grab something, and when I turned around both william and the humidifier were gone. He was already stepping into the bathroom by the time I got into the hallway! Then after bath time he carries his dirty clothes and throws them in his hamper. He doesn't quite have the concept that ONLY clothes go in there, though, because last time I did laundry I heard a loud thud and noticed some shoes were in the hamper too. Oops!






He is still such a playful bear. On our weekend webcam with daddy he recognized daddy the MOMENT his picture popped up and with such excitement in his voice he yelled 'HI DADA!' he didn't talk to Austin as much this time, though, because he had lots of playing to do.

He got a little tykes plastic car (you know the yellow and red ones that haven't changed in years...I got one at a garage sale for $5!) and he spent probably 30 minutes on Monday night just climbing in and out. I also got him a little tykes shopping cart for $3...this one was more of a dangerous buy, as he immediately learned how to make it a jungle gym rather than a shopping cart. Such a boy...and some people think those things aren't innate...






He is getting more interested in reading lately, which I love. Tonight he made me play his daddy book twice before he made me read his egg counting book 3 times. The egg book is his favorite right now. It starts out with 10 3D eggs on the page, then one hatches and there's a bird and 9 eggs. I won't count it out for you, I trust that you get the idea. He likes to rub the eggs then turn the page for me when I'll point out the bird that hatched. After we read the egg book he grabbed one of his sensory books and we must have gone through that one 5 times. He had no interest in me reading it, he just wanted the page open long enough for him to rub the different textures, then he turned the page for me. He was so cute on the first round - trying to discover which parts were sensory stimulating and what was just paper. He just melts my heart away when he brings me books to read to him.

Like he melts my heart when he puckers up after I said 'can I have a kiss?'

Or how he melts my heart when he wraps his sweet little arms around my neck when I pick him up from school.



Or really, how he melts my heart anytime he looks my way. That boy has me under his spell for sure. Look out Austin, your place is being taken over...



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Happy almost 27-Half Birthday

If I would write this tomorrow, I'd be exactly 6 months behind on this birthday.

Whoops.

When I started this birthday journey I began with Addie's birthday, and I wrote about how I chose to live with her and one of her friends whom I hadn't met. I did this because I felt like being TOO close with your roommates could end badly, so I thought living with mere acquaintances was the best answer.

Though as it turned out, I ended up living with 2 of my closest friends to this day.

It took about 3 months before Jen and I had our "click" moment. I am a little closed off when I don't know people and can come across as...well, I've been told snotty and rude. I don't mean to, I just don't always know what to say to people I don't know. One Saturday night though, Addie was out of town and neither Jen or I had plans with our friends. It was a rainy, chilly night in October, football was out of town so not a lot was happening in that area of our social lives...it was just a kind of sit-on-the-couch-doing-nothing kind of night. So, Jen and I decided to do nothing together.

We ended up having the most amazing time.

We watched movies, ate pizza, sat on the porch watching the rain, and talked until 3 am getting to know each other better than we had in the entire 3 months prior to that night. We realized that as long as Addie was in town we let her be the middle man between us and we never forced ourselves to really get to know the other, but once we did it was wonderful. We had such different perspectives on life, love, friends, school...yet we clicked so well.

We spent the majority of our senior year enjoying nights-in rather than nights out, eating dinner together regularly, hooked to the same TV shows, and growing closer than we thought we would. WE graduated and spent some time where we didn't talk much, but once both of our weddings were planned and over we renewed our friendship. We don't get to see each other very often but we try to keep in touch with emails and pictures of our ADORABLE kids...and she's always willing to lend and ear when I need that special Jen perspective on things. She's given love advice, parenting advice, workout advice...you name it, she's given it. I'm so thankful to have a friend like her, long distance or not, and I look forward to that once-a-year moment when we get to see each other.

Still need to figure out when that will be in 2011...

Until then, I love you Jen (if you're reading this) happy half birthday!

Thinking in the Shower

Two posts on a MONDAY? wow.

I hate starting stories with, "I was thinking of you in the shower..." because...well, that's kind of weird. But the shower is pretty much the only time when no one can bother me. So it's there that I get my best thinking done. I do accept that once William can get himself out of his room and open doors, I will be giving up this last right. I'll relish in the privacy while I can.

It occurred to me in the shower after my workout today that I have missed quite a few birthdays since I started my blog-birthday celebrations. I feel...utterly awful. Especially because a lot of the birthdays I've missed are very special people. I've gotten most, so I'd say I'm still making an A in the course...but that doesn't make up for the few I've missed. :(

So...I am going to begin doing make-up blogs for these birthdays. I'm going to go back as far as I can remember and I HOPE I pick them all up this time. If you know of someone I forgot and you see that I miss them yet again, please give a swift kick in the knees and tell me.

Be ready for tomorrow, when you'll hear all about my amazing friend Jen.

Forgive them, They do not Understand

I was in a conversation this weekend with someone about what it's like having Austin gone, how he's doing, what it's like for him being away from William, and other aspects of our life. I've known this person for awhile and she's such a sweet person, so I know that nothing she asked or said was meant in an ill way or meant to be offensive. She just doesn't know.

The old adage "speak not of which you do not understand" comes to mind, but then...then I think that just perpetuates the lack of awareness. If she kept silent and didn't ask her questions, she'd know no more now than before we talked and then my frustration about people's lack of knowledge would just be perpetuated. So maybe its a lose lose, or maybe its a win win...guess it depends on how you look at it.

The questions about how we're doing or what its like do not bother me in the slightest. The curiosity of things which we aren't accustomed to is normal and I am more than happy to share details of my (oh-so-thrilling) life. But it's when the questions that sound like this start coming:
So, can he just say he doesn't want to go?
When can he be done?
How much longer does he have to serve?
Isn't 3 deployments enough?
When will he be home for good?

In a cynical way I can certainly appreciate the "3 deployments" question, especially when I meet people who have never been deployed. But in all honesty, I know there isn't a mark for "enough". You go when you're told to go, you may or may not volunteer for more, and that's the life you chose. But that's the part that gets under my skin...the part where people don't understand that he chose this. As for the last question, until the war is over or he is out of the Army he is never home for good. In December he will be home for the time being, and we will celebrate and enjoy our time together. We don't know when the next time may be, so we'll just tackle that when it comes. It isn't a matter of when he CAN be done or how much longer he HAS to serve. He signed up because he wanted to serve, whatever that meant. That doesn't mean he isn't homesick or doesn't miss William - absolutely he does. But he made that choice and, seeing as he's made it a few times, it's safe to say that he doesn't do this as a have to, but a want to.

When I told Austin I was frustrated -not so much with the person but with the fact that it is just not widely understood - he just calmly told me to forgive them. It isn't anyone's fault if they are unaware, and it can be my job to help people better understand.

So - to anyone reading who didn't get it before, that's how just about any wife would answer those questions if she were being honest. Her husband chose to do it and is proud to do it, no matter the cost. They do it because they want to serve and protect, and if that means sacrifice great or small they are willing and ready. So don't feel bad for them. Don't cringe your face up and feel sorry that they miss their families; just be thankful that there are people willing to do it so that those of us who aren't willing aren't required.

Annnnd We're Back

All day yesterday and most of today whenever I've tried to log into blogger it kept saying it was "down". HOW RUDE! :)

I feel like I'm playing catch up this week. I took mother's day "off" from cleaning and groceries and all of that, which has meant this week I've been trying to catch up on all of it...and somehow it never works. The grocery store is the trickiest one of all, thus why there is no milk in my house and I HAD to go to starbucks this morning just to get poor William some milk for school.

But guess what else I got to do? I GOT TO HAVE WINGS WITH KRIS! Remember her birthday and how I longed for a wings date? Well, she was travelling to Denver for work and came to my house for dinner. HIGHLIGHT OF MY WEEK by far. I love that girl, just having her in the room I couldn't help but have a grin on my face the entire time.

Other than my special visit from Kristine and some severe American Idol disappointment, I really don't have much else to report. It's been a rather uneventful few days despite how crazy I feel they've been. I learned my lesson on skipping my weekend duties! So tonight, I'll be heading to the store to get some milk and other essentials to hold me over until Sunday when I revisit my weekly grocery round up.

Have a great weekend :)

Two times Wednesday

Saturday he woke up after only napping for an hour, but he fell right back asleep in my lap. He just wanted me to hold him :)


Winding up for the pitch



Watching toy story for about 3 minutes


Happy bear rolling on Nancy




A sequence of him with his favorite ball on our park picnic








Plum tuckered out



Mothers day dinner at chili's









- manda

William Wednesday

I almost skipped William Wednesday on account that I don't have that generally mojo that I get when I'm about to blog. I've been waiting all day for it to come to me, but its just not there. But - I'm not a quitter, so I'm gonna give it a try...

Really I don't know why I WOULDN'T have all the mojo in the world cause he had SUCH a great week. His speech is picking up rather quickly now. I will admit, I was worried when at 12 months he only said mama and dada, and by 13 he hadn't picked up anything else. But it was like all of a sudden he started reading the dictionary or something. His favorite word is still uh-oh. It has been for weeks and I don't see it fading anytime soon.

His ball throwing has become more often and more skilled. He has SO many balls and I find them all over the house. Squishy football stressballs, a nerf football, big bouncy balls, golf balls, plastic balls from his ball-popper, aTm soft basketball and football...and plenty more. He finds them all and throws them all. He likes to throw them onto a hard floor so generally at the end of the day the kitchen and entry way each have a nice little collection going.

Sunday we had our weekend webcam with daddy. William gets more and more into it every time - I assume because he grasps it a little better each time. He is rather stingy with his waves and blowing kisses, but daddy got both right away. Then William went and grabbed his daddy doll and the book Austin recorded, then came back and sat right in front of the phone. It was like he was getting all his daddy stuff together at once. Austin and I were both very worried about how this separation would affect WIlliam, and mostly that William wouldn't remember him. But webcam is a wonderful beautiful invention...and WIlliam ABSOLUTELY remembers. He loves daddy, and he loves to perform for him.

He still isn't very interested in cartoons at all. He likes maybe 10 minutes of Bob the Builder, 5 minutes of Sesame Street...sometimes a little Thomas the Train...but really, he'd much rather be up moving around and doing stuff. I love that he is so active and plays so well. I feel like it is better brain development and learning than he'd get off a TV screen, plus it keeps him active which is a good habit for anyone to get into. But man...sometimes sitting down and watching 30 minutes of my buddy bob sure sounds nice!!!

Did I mention in my mother's day post that we went to the park on Sunday? I think I did...and I think I'll have a second post today just for pictures from this weekend because he was so fun. His motor skills amaze me every day. At his 15 month check up he grabbed a toy...man I wish I could remember the name...the kind where it's like a tablet with a pencil, and the pencil uses a magnet to pull up black fibers to draw...then you can slide something across the bottom to erase...what are those called? Anyway he was drawing all over the place and the doctor was very impressed. She said his motor skills are very impressive - and I felt my chest puff out just a little more. didn't know I could even be more proud :)

There are so many little stories - I wish I could just carry a recorder around all the time because he just cracks me up. Like last night at dinner. I had made grilled cheese and tomato soup, but I didn't figure he'd like tomato soup. He took one bite of his sandwich and before he had even chewed it he said mmmMMMMMMmmmm (getting louder then softer) and smiled really big. He ate 2 bites but then lost interest so I thought I'd let him try the sandwich dipped in the soup. Then I got an even BIGGER MMMMMMMMM and he ate the rest of his sandwich that way. This morning he was very vocal about how much he liked his muffins, and he acted like he was going to share with me before quickly shoving it in his mouth. Little trickster :)

One morning when I went in to get him I noticed that most of his animals from his crib were on the floor, and some of the folded up clothes that were neatly packed in a box at the end of his crib waiting to be moved to storage were strewn around his crib. I guess at some point he woke up and had a little bit of fun!!!

He laughs a lot. I feel like we could all take a lesson from how happy babies are. They don't have all the stressors we do, I get that, but they are just genuinely happy little creatures. Sliding down the couch makes him happy...if only we could all find such enjoyment in life.

I feel like I've been all over the map with this post, and I guess its the issue of my mojo. It never surfaced, but I did still enjoy recanting my week with little bear. He's just so much fun and brings so much light and laughter into my life. I don't know why I didn't have him 10 years ago! Just kidding :)

Mama Bear

Yesterday I wanted to inflict pain on a child. Me! Pain on a child! I was almost embarassed that I felt that way. I mean who wants to hurt a child? Yep, I did. Why?

Cause that child BIT my little bear! My mama bear instinct kicked into overdrive and I just wanted to hurt him!

I was busy all day at work, then had a great workout before sitting at my desk and realizing I had forgott William had a 3:00 dr appointment. It was 2:30 when it ocurred to me, and usually I need about 45 minutes to get him and get there - so I had to hurry. When I got to Goddard he was happily playing, but even more happy to see me. He ran up to give me a hug and he held a little tighter than normal, but I certainly wasn't going to question why. He held onto my neck as he rested his sweet little head on my shoulder and wouldn't let me go.

I was trying to gather his things when the teacher came by and held up an "incident report". I've gotten these before - always thought thye were kind of silly. "William bumped his head today" or "William scratched his knee" - ok really? it happens. They seem a bit dramatic.

But not this one. It says "William was bit today on the right shoulder" then "right" was crossed out and "left" was written, and I really wanted to correct their grammar. The teacher explained that a boy was playing with a toy, William and one other boy both tried to grab it so the first boy leaned over and bit him.

AND BIT HIM HARD! Oh my gosh his shoulder looks like the picture of the abused boy from Kindergarten Cop. Do you remember that boy? And how your face curled up and cringed when they pulled his shirt back to reveal his bruises? THAT'S HOW WILLIAM LOOKS! My heart both broke and filled with rage in an instant.

But, the good news here is that he is ok. And while I wished I could have been there to protect him, I reminded myself of the scene from Finding Nemo when Dory (the best character of all) says to Marlin, after he's declared he promised to never let anything happen to Nemo, "Well that's silly. you can't never let anything happen to him, then nothing would happen to him". I know I can't protect him from everything...but I sure wanted to get that kid!!!

Many of you will be wondering what Austin's initial response was, and it was nothing less than you'd expect: That's it. When I'm home on R&R I'm teaching William to fight, and I'm kicking that kid's dad's ass. He won't - I mean he may want to, but he won't. But he sure was mad!!!

If I were a Material Girl

If I were a materialistic person, I'd say I'm really banking through this deployment. I mean, I am a spoiled little brat! Ok, I hope I'm not a brat. But I am pretty dang spoiled, and I'm pretty dang thankful for it :)

If I were a material girl I'd think it may be a decent trade to spend 9 months away from Austin when I get a beautiful and unique glass vase, a personalized pearl necklace (seriously go check out www.thevintagepearl.com Jennie got this for me, it was a feature on the Ellen show - I knew we shared interests) a massage gift card, a bath and body works gift set, 3 amethysts to have made into earrings and...necklace or ring???, and endless calls and texts. My phone was blowing up yesterday!

I'm not a material girl...so I would much prefer Austin over all of these things...but I think they are an excellent consolation prize given I don't have a choice :)

In all honesty though, I am so thankful for the love and support that I have. I can not imagine how I would handle the isolation and lonliness of going through this without my multitude of supporters. It's so humbling, almost embarassing, at the people who make a point to show their love and support for me. Embarassing because I am so incredibly amazed and touched. I can only hope that I have been, or will be, as supportive to each of them in their time of need. I know that no one is doing anything to receive anything in return, so I just hope that I am as loving and supportive when they need me to be.

William and I had a fantastic mother's day. I'm not going to lie, when I woke up at 6:00 my first thought was "I wish it wasn't mother's day". Then, when he woke up 15 minutes later (which is an hour early) screaming, my second thought was "I wish it wasn't mother's day". I mean how can I celebrate Mother's Day when the only person I'll see doesn't even have a clue what that means? Where is my breakfast in bed, my doting, my day of pampering and spoiling and getting whatever I want? But from the moment I picked him up and he laid his head on my shoulder to the moment I laid him back in his crib last night, we had a terrific day. We had a nice breakfast, a great picnic and trip to the park, he took a long nap giving me plenty of time to clean AND read my book, then we had fun playing and talking to daddy on webcam. We ended the night with a Chili's date (where he was on his best behavior!) and then cuddles before bed. Alexis hit the nail on the head in her text...William is the best mother's day present, and he proved that to me yesterday over and over again.

So from the bottom of my heart, thank you SO much for the love and support (and spoiling with gifts) that was poured out on me during this mother's day-season. It means the world to me. And I asked where my day for getting whatever I want is, but really...most days aren't too far off from that. Spoiled or blessed - whichever way you wanna look at it - I'm thankful.

Happy early mothers day to me

Today was mothers day at goddard. I think the older classrooms had more planned, but since midday is pretty scheduled out for the little zebras we just had a small party. Miss Cassie read us 2 books about babies and mommies, we played a little, we had lunch time and they gave me a card William made.

He enjoyed having me at school. He was proudly walking around, always making sure I was watching, and showing me all of the things in his room. He sat so still in my lap for story time and HATED for other kids to get anywhere near me.



In between story time and lunch time he just walked around talking and playing with toys - none for more than 2 seconds.



One baby was SO worked up by his mom being there that she had to leave...but then he was REALLY worked up. I'm glad William was ok with his midday interruption!!!

I was amazed to see how all the kids just went and got themselves in their chairs for lunch time. Then they all sat quietly and patiently waiting whole miss Cassie distributed the food. I had envisioned wild boars in africa or something, but they were so good!!!




I chose to leave midway through his lunch so he wouldn't notice too much, but before I left they had him give me my card he made.



Love :)

- manda

All Sorts of News

Oops. I got sick and I all of a sudden forgot my civic duty of blogging. Apologies.

Austin news: he went on another mission and made it back safely. This one was shorter, and wasn't planned as far out in advance (or to my knowledge anyway) so I wasn't able to worry and stew as much. But thanks to those of you who may have been praying for him. I think I'm going to have to buy stock in his brand of boots because I think he'll need a new pair every month or two with all the mud he tromps through.

And no, the army doesn't issue boots. The army doesn't issue a whole lot, as shocking as it may seem. But they do issue lots of stuff over and over and over that isn't needed. Its the Army, not the Container Store. Organization and Planning are not always at the forefront.

William, he's good. He was sick this weekend and had a rough time. He cut 3 teeth at once Tuesday night so was a bit unhappy about that, but other than that he's his great wonderful amazing happy self. He is IN LOVE with petting our animals nicely. Does it all the time. He also loves to hug them, but reagan sees these hugs as a form of torture. How do I teach William that Reagan isn't the same as Nancy? because so far, he hasn't gotten it.

Brittany and Michael gave William a Black & Decker tool bench last year. It was for Christmas but it arrived on the day of his ear surgery so they let me let him have it. At first he liked it because he could use the bench to pull himself up. Then he started to like to bang the hammer on the bench (or on anything actually) and yesterday he learned that the tools are meant to go in the little holes on the top of the tool bench. He was focused on getting his little drill (which actually works - amazing toys!) into the holes. Precious boy :)

I finally got our backyard mowed and got all of Layla's bombs cleaned up, so William enjoyed some outside time yesterday as well. He loved climbing on and off the patio, but was cautious enough to know that he needed to hold my hand on his way down. I love our patio but had I known that one year after having it built we'd be having a baby, i would have had a little more foresight and built some steps too. Oh well, you live and learn. But he enjoyed throwing his ball on the patio, climbing up to get it, throwing it off the patio, and climbing down to get it. I think its almost time to buy some outdoor toys :)

He also GOBBLED UP a peanut butter and jelly sandwich yesterday. He's never had jelly because I never think to buy it. I never was a big fan of jelly - I learned to like it over time but as a kid I was a bigger fan of "peanut butter and butter sandwiches". please don't judge. Jelly is ok, but if I never eat it again I won't really miss it. So I forget that William might like it :) He LOVED it. More so than plain peanut butter sandwiches, and I refuse to let him try peanut butter and butter. He'll have to discover that one on his own :) There is a boy with a peanut allergy in his class so he rarely gets peanut butter at all, so it isn't like I've been depriving him of the jelly aspect THAT often or anything.

You are probably wondering how we had so much playtime, or room for peanut butter in a peanut-free school, but we had yesterday off. I was sick and wasn't at work and I kept him with me. We had a fun day! I was home sick Tuesday too, but it was not a fun day. I was feeling awful!

I'm back at work today and guess what? I turned in my 2 weeks notice. May 20 is my last day at Western union. I have a job at Great West Life Insurance that I will start on May 31. I will be doing the same kind of work that I do now, so not a lot will change on that front. I am told the hours will be a little better, and most importantly their understanding of my family situation will be better. And, if both of those things turn out to be lies - I can be happy in my decision knowing it's a little more money in the bank. Or William's college fund :)

Speaking of - Someone asked me recently if I regret working with a small baby at home. I know I've blogged about this before, but it just bothers me. Then on the radio this morning they were debating who has it harder - working moms or stay at home moms. We are looking at this all wrong. It's not a competition and its not about who has it harder. It is a BLESSING and a JOY to be a mom, whichever route you choose. Do I regret working? No. William has more money in his college fund than my entire first semester cost and he is 1. If I weren't working, that would not be the case. There are so many reasons I don't regret working. Do I miss him when I'm away from him? Tremendously. But that doesn't make it wrong any more than it makes it right. Why are we so concerned with comparing the two, and WHY are we seeing who has it HARDER? It's a priviledge. An honor.

"Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother" ~ Lin Yutang

So why don't we start focusing on that side of it?

I know, I know.

Last night I posted on facebook that we should chant victory and bring my husband home now.

I know that isn't going to happen.

I know that this isn't over. I know that there are plenty of people standing in line to kill in vengeance for him, to kill in honor of him, and to kill just because that's what they've been trained to do. I know that the war continues and terror still lurks around the corner. So it isn't over.

But I want it to be.

For 10 years we have put his face as the target of our war. He attacked us. He wanted America to fall. He deserved to be brought to justice. And now he finally has been. Unfortunately, he was not alone.

It is ironic that last night I was washing dishes and let out a sigh of frustration as I realized I then had to grab a towel and start drying, saying to myself "it isn't fair that I have to cook AND wash dishes AND dry dishes." When Austin is home we have a very fair routine and trade off of responsibilities. It isn't fair that I have to do it all now. It isn't fair that I have to do it all alone.

And it is his fault. Austin joined the army just a few short months before the attacks on 9/11 and he was in basic training when they took place. So he was already committed to serving our country, though when he took the oath he truly had no idea what that would mean. It has meant blood, sweat and tears. It has meant time away from his family. It has meant missing his son's second year of his life. It has meant a huge amount of sacrifice. And it is his fault.

But, in everything there is a purpose. Austin and I got back in contact through his first deployment. A deployment that would not have happened if it weren't for him. We got in contact by my brother finding Austin's email address through an army network. My brother, who may not have joined the army if it weren't for him. His life was centered around building an evil empire and killing innocent lives for a purpose I will never understand, but my life wouldn't be what it is if his life hadn't been.

It's hard to look at something like this and even allow myself to think of a possible glimmer of positive reason. It's hard to admit that my life would not be what it is if it weren't for that evil, evil man. It's hard to even try to take a positive spin on something with such magnitude. But maybe it is good. Maybe the nearly 3,000 lives lost as a result of those attacks were not lost in vain. Maybe the thousands of troops we've lost over the last 10 years were fighting for a purpose. And maybe the world has been positively impacted through his demise.

There is still evil in this world. There is still terror and there is still threat. But yesterday our brave men in uniform, at the command of a multitude of leaders, took out one of the most evil forces on earth. And there is a glimmer of positivity. Maybe, just maybe, that life was used by God, despite all the evil he carried out, to lead to at least one positive thing. And I heard that positive thing breathing peacefully through his baby monitor as I listened to Obama's speech on TV.

May God bless and keep each and every troop who has served in order that we may see the fall of our attacker.

How are you supposed to feel?

I was mopping my floor, thinking the best part of my night would be going to sleep knowing my house is spotless, when my phone rang. My mom was calling to let me know I should break my no-news rule just this once because president Obama would be addressing the nation soon confirming that Osama bin laden had been killed.

He's dead. I've wanted to hear those words for years and now that they are here, I don't even know how I am supposed to feel. He's dead and yet it still doesn't seem like enough. He owes the world, our country, families who lost loved ones, and me personally so much more than his life.

He is responsible for so many lives lost, so many innocent people killed or persuaded to kill. He is the reason why we have been fighting for nearly a decade. He is responsible for ignorant followers and for educated followers taking their own lives in order to take others' as well. He is the reason some children will never know their parents, some parents will never see their children grow up. All of that is on him, so while I am overcome with joy for his death I can't help but feel like he owes more.

I want to inflict pain on him. I personally want this, and I don't know that I have ever wanted to hurt someone in that way. I want each family member who has lost a loved one at his fault to be able to inflict pain on him. But we can't. I can only imagine the gratification the man who shot him must have felt.

And then, when I realize more tears have streamed down my face tonight than have since I lost my dad, I feel guilty. Should we rejoice in death? Is that ok? I have made so many sacrifices in the name of this war, and yet I have sacrificed no where near what others have, and my hatred towards the war has centered around the fact that there are people in this world who rejoice in death. There are people who want to see our country stumble, suffer and fall when they have never even met us. How can they want me dead? And to try to hide behind the name of religion- how cowardly. My faith teaches me to pray for my enemies, not hate them. Pray for them. So how can I be joyous now? How can I celebrate his death while also praying for him and for his evil followers?

That is a struggle I will allow myself to navigate through tomorrow, though. I won't worry tonight about my guilt for feeling joy. With plenty of work left to be done, I am able to feel some sort of peace in my heart knowing that the sacrifices my family and so many other families have made over the course of this were have not been for nothing. We have this great accomplishment regardless of the work we still have ahead of us.

So celebrate with me as that evil son of a bitch is dead.

Oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave, O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave!


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